sometimes i feel so lonely
i hold myself late at night
it doesn’t seem to matter how
the glitter of life surrounds me
i can’t seem to shake the darkness
that’s settled in my bones

Lately it’s felt like I’ve been going backwards
Retracing my steps with the hope that I’ll find some clarity
Falling back on old habits that always made me depressed
Getting caught up in the past when I should be obsessed with the moment

I listen to old songs and the way I hear them now
Have nothing on the way I used to
It’s crazy how we can reinterpret a melody
To conform to our current way of thinking

I don’t feel the butterflies the way I used to
And I know that this just comes with the territory
of becoming familiar with someone
But the hopeless romantic in me
can’t help but feel the loss
I want the boy to love me
but I’m not sure if I want the pain to stop

Lately I’ve been telling my brain to just go, to mentally move on
Build up my walls and bury myself away once more
But then you message me and I feel myself crawling back,
Over and over again like an unsteady person
Who doesn’t know how to be alone with their thoughts
Once they've realized that life could be different

I’m always fine when you’re gone
I used to be unbalanced with the distance
But nowadays I feel myself reaching peace
Whenever you’re not near me
So every time you come back I know that
the plane of my existence will become tilted yet again

But chasing after a fantasy will never be what I need
I need to be strong and possess some mental lucidity
I’m too weak in my soul and too tired in my bones
To be this worried about a love that doesn’t exist

So when I’m ready (and I know that soon I’ll be ready)
I’ll let myself exit this moment
I’m ready to give up, to take back what I’m feeling
This ill-hearted emotion that proximity
will one day translate to love and devotion.

And the worst thing about it
Was that despite what I told myself
I still considered it my fault
I fell so easily for those disgusting excuses
Men use to justify harm done to women

I thought of how I answered the call
Forever worried about how the voice
I use on the phone just to sound pleasant
Could be misconstrued to be
"a ******* operator's voice"

The truth is
It didn't matter what I said
Or how I said it
Nothing I did would deflect the abuse
Because that decision was made
Outside of my control

(but nothing I tell myself will stop the pain)

It's in the land of make believe
Every Sunday sitting up staring at the sunset
Wonder where you've been
Or if you wanna settle down yet
I know I'm searching for something feeble
But I can't stop my energy from being unleashed
On something that will inevitably waste my time
But I just want you
Want you to realize that
you want to be mine

Every Wednesday a total disaster
I want to talk to you but I wonder why
you put me down whenever you're around
Is this what I need? Do I want a guy
who wants to watch me become crazy?

Said I was too sensitive, filled to the brink
with pure liquid melodrama
Said I was too defensive yet whenever I speak
you treat me like a missile,
Every word comes out wrong
So let me go, get out of my mind
I wanna feel free before you leave me behind

I know how this is gonna end
And I don't want to feel that way again
so I'll leave you alone
if you leave me alone.

i can’t believe it’s been so long
always on the offense
you tell me in a million different ways
how i upset you

i’m sorry
i don’t mean to be the flaws
that you search for
i’m just a girl
trying to find peace in this world

want to be myself
before i have nothing else
but i never knew who i was
who i am or who i’m gonna be

don’t wanna hurt you
or say the wrong thing
but maybe it’s not worth it
if every time i talk to you
you reduce me to nothing

I see you
Fading in
Floating out
Startled silence
Laying on the ground

Shooting through the sky
You never said goodbye
Only said hello
Smiled when you wanted to die
Why didn't you cry when you still had the time?

Henry's in the sky, diamonds by his side
Always said they were a man's best friend
Followed him to the very end
Where the flesh becomes dust
And the dust becomes earth again

Every Sunday I feel your energy
Spread across the pews
I look for your touch
Shiver once I've found you

A ghost that no one knows
Death in the absence of memory
Wanted you but I lost you and now

You're in the sky, diamonds by your side
Suicidal lullaby
Always said the breadth of song
Would make the days grow long
But all I feel is the shortness of breath
From the thought of someone gone

Now in the gravity of night
I wonder what you'd do
Now, in the gravity of night
I hold onto someone new

The moon.
It is beckoning me.
I can hear its voice calling for me,
begging me to stay.
It wants just one more night
but I must go.
The night is not like how it used to be,
the stars do not shine as bright
as they once did.
It saddens me.

The color is being stripped away.
The air is becoming thick.
Each day, the sun fades a little more.
The glimmer in my eye, it dims.
Everywhere I look I see ghosts,
I see shadows of objects
that no longer exist.
The world is dying.
I feel alone.

And yet, my mind is alive.
The thoughts race past,
one after the other,
even as the nights grow longer.
My dreams take flight.
Every time I move I dance.
I skip, I scream, I cry.
Never have I ever held onto a moment
as if it were tangible.
As if the seconds were not fleeting
but fragments,
snapshots stolen from time.

i say
look at that gray sky
and you say
that gray sky is a beautiful hue

you say
the grass is set aflame
and we say
the grass is on fire too

he says
what's true isn't true
and they say
what should we do

he says to them
"whatever i tell you to."

everyone

villainized
victimized
ostracized
and

crucified

It happens quietly. Sometimes I don't even notice
until I am by myself late at night, staring at the ceiling.
I realize that it's not because I can't fall asleep
it's because I can't find any peace.
The thought sticks out to me because it's so singular,
it can't latch onto something else.
When I'm sad I feel tired, I feel hopeless
I feel nothing at all.

It creeps up on me. slowly, then suddenly
I am engulfed, held captive by a heart that
has vowed to hurt itself, over and over again.
A never-ending invocation of spontaneous sadness
if only I better understood my soul.
Maybe then, I wouldn't feel for the world
maybe then, I could fade from this earth.

the flag, no meaning
baseless and tattered

the president, so deceiving
no savior to intervene

my soul, quite defeating
can't bring myself to care

what is this world
without the truth

was it ever really there

every day a blue renegade
mercury falling out of the sky
solar system come
come feel me die
a star so burning that i cry
orange yellow black and why
do i hold on to relics what am i
the glow of the moon
me shapeshifting into the form of you
dark china drifting in fading out
what is the night without the dreams
echoing in the chambers of
a building that is baroque
time goes by i become confused
wrinkles ephemeral death is forever
life is so gray it threatens my soul
what can i say
each move is a play

When did being alive become synonymous with being dead?
If your body is filled with empty words and silent actions
then who are you to say that you are living?

Every day is like the last
it seems as if all the best ideas come from the past
I try to reach across the divide
but all I get is empty static moving through time.

I never said life was beautiful
I'm hanging on by a thread
The closer I get to love
The closer I feel to death

You're so lovely, my darling
If only I could be lovely for you
Patronize myself, I would never
It's just that I looked into the mirror
Realized that I deserve better

Pack up the old clothing, throw it in a box
Remove it from our room, I start the car
Back out from the drive, you beg me to stop
But I carry on, the road as my drum
My heart and the journey, two become one

I stop in the next town, adopt myself a dog
learn to settle down. Force myself to sleep
So I can fall into dreams, it isn't always easy
I'm still searching for what I need
Maybe write myself a story, sell it with my head
Leave my heart on the kitchen counter
Forget my fear and my dread

Beds still haunt me, I'm just being honest
Each picture on my wall reminds me of you
Every night spent staring at the ceiling is the most familiar thing I do
Oh, they say that there is truth in what you used to knew

Pack up the old clothing, throw it in a box
Remove it from our room, I start the car
Back out from the drive, you beg me to stop
But I carry on, the road as my drum
My heart and the journey, two become one

The wind is blowing the past back to me
The broken fights and sleepless nights
existential dread you never seemed to believe
Complicated simplicity led to our demise
Darling, accept the past and move on
Before the future is long gone

Packed up my old clothing, put it in a box
removed my heart from the room, started the car
Backed out from the drive, you begged me to stop
But I carried on, the road as my drum
My heart and the journey, two became one.

people are nice
i suppose this must be true
people are nice
yet i am never sure why they do
such nasty things, condone acts of silence
hold on to their faith as society is pushed in the ground
maybe i am prejudiced and not able to see
the strength they hold by holding onto their dreams

---

i know the world is ending,
time is happening all at once
i can feel my past in my heart
and the future in my bones
so why does it hurt to think
of the present as the past
why does it ache to know
the future will not last
why does it sting
when the present is happening
when i know in the future
it doesn't really matter

i know i should sleep
but the future doesn't foresee it
and my past doesn't behold it
and my present can't control it
when i tell myself to fold
to fade into the world
i can't let myself go

i know the end is coming
yet i am being pulled in opposite directions
one step into the shadows
one step into the light
one heart on this planet
one far out of sight

i feel as if i hurt people
not intentionally, more regrettably
but nonetheless i wonder if it stings
whenever i move farther away every
time i'm pulled closer to someone or something
it hurts for me, though i'll never admit

i hurt people, and through this i hurt myself
but i don't know how to stop
how to make myself well, if my
state of mind is stuck on an unreachable plane
then how can i rectify my past
how can i redefine my mistakes?

i dreamt once that the world was against me
but in the end i discovered a mirror
and in that moment i realized
that i'm really just against myself

tearing every inch of me apart
piece by piece
until i've lost the different halves of me
the days go by, i lose myself a bit each time
oh, where does it all go?
where does your body go if you never return home?
---
people are young, that much is true
but i know for once that i'm older than you
and when i look into your eyes
i see my fears reflected back to me
the fear of dying young and living too old
because dying when you're young reaffirms your dreams
and dying when its all said and done gives you a legacy

who is my soul? i may never learn
could be built from the shadows
on planets far away from earth
could be constructed from the cracks
chipped off of asteroids,
a visual representation of the void
i'd argue that it doesn't matter where
each part of me comes from this universe
---
i want to glide along a cosmic wavelength
feel myself move through multiple dimensions
if space-time is a continuum then why am i stuck
in a vacuum, forced to live a life of singularity?

You are the thing that you want to be

Slow motion heart attacks being thrown into an ocean
Nonsensical lyrics describing nonsensical emotions

But I love it

HOLD UP
I'm sorry but did you just feel this moment?
Feels like heaven on earth
Like a dog giving birth
A woman discovering her worth
Or maybe I'm just messing
Ditropan has been ******* with my head
Tearing up my heart

Take another shot of Desmopressin
Counteract it with your depression
Sycophantic helplessness
I wanna engulf myself in eternal recklessness
I wanna drown myself, oh no

Girl, go eat your Oxybutynin
Then go find yourself a beautiful Cuban
Marry him before it's too late
Because he might not ask you for a second date
That's the just the way it goes,
Close your eyes and watch it go!

Why does every symbol you give meaning to correspond with death?
I'm never sure what to hear
Everytime I climb the ladder I feel a part of me is getting sadder
Perhaps I'm just afraid
Afraid of being asleep when I no longer believe in my dreams
I keep reaching, reaching but I'm too cynical
Time has a cyclical nature
one second I'm fine and then I'm not and then it circles back until I forget which feeling I started with

Oh well, that's just the way it goes
Sometimes you choke on Cipro
Sometimes you choke on Cipro

We
were
so
close
to
our
first
female
U.S.
president

Yet
here
we
are
now.

Music moves through my body
Like I move through time
Day in day out
Moving through life
Seeing the sunlight
Drown me in rays
Tell me, honey,
Am I a part of your days?

If dancing makes me tired
Then I wanna dance all the time
Accent my nights with the skip of a step
And the stomp of beat
Tell me honey,
Am I a part of your dreams?

when i laugh
it's not because the
sadness no longer exists
i've just gotten better
at masking the pain

what am i supposed to look for
your face or the door
what goes past the rooms unseen
is it the truth or something in-between

i want this house to flood one day
but i dread the sense of drowning
so if the truth pulls me closer
to the edge of the abyss
then let me jump off
for death is a bliss

Everything I see feels like the past
The lines in your face remind me of
your youth. Simple times
filled with hopes and joys and
dreams that were still worth reaching
Now, the dust has settled and the day
has come when the future
becomes the past and
your soul turns to stone.

police
brutality
breeds
mob
mentality.

how
do
we
fix
the
world
before
the
next
fatality?

I've never felt as young
as I do in this very moment
Dancing through the seconds
that strike, one after the other

Throw my hands high
Because my heart is soaring
Reaching for the sky
The sun is so bright!
It blinds my eyes

But its gonna be alright
The pain turns to peace
I turn to stone turn to dust
turn to earth and turn back again.

only in death do you see
the impact you had on
many different lives

so I implore you
stay a little longer
take another step
become a little stronger
take another breath
don't give up yet
it's gonna be ok

it's gonna be ok.

I don't wear clothes
I wear things
Strewn across my body
A symbol of the things I love
and the things I hate
Stretching and morphing into
something I'm not and everything that I am

When I'm tired and exhausted
I look in the mirror
Then look away
The truth is hard to see
Even as I blink
it doesn't erase from my memory

I walk alone
Walk until my feet give out
Or until I give in
I was never that strong
Or willing to never give up

When I was scattered in my youth
I thought of myself as a mighty Aztec warrior
Invincible and filled with power
But now that I'm older I realize that
Our eyes don't let us see the world for what it is

A cold, desolate place to be
Filled with seven billion humans
Just biding our time

tick ---
--- tock
tick ---
--- tock

Until our death

i'm so bad at falling asleep

love isn't a destiny, it's a disease
festering deep inside of me
manifesting in every part of everything
taking over the blood of my weak being

love isn't the beauty of a stolen lover's kiss
it's the reconciling of the moments eternally gone amiss
stuck in the the past life, true lover's heartbroken kiss
what did i do to deserve this?

i wanted to think that life would be perfect
the farther i drifted away
but the moon always rises at sunset
and i could never get away

as long as the stars are out
reminding me of the days
i'll never be able to run
or take away the pain

i've always seen the clearest
when i'm lost in my dreams

What are you thinking about
I just wanna know
I'm not gonna sit here
Creating rhymes from the fears
When I'm all alone

Are you thinking about
the way
time can fly by too fast
seconds float into hours
float into days long since past

You thinking about
me
thinking about you
thinking about the absence of us
the non-existence of nothingness

Thinking about
feelings
That never come to fruition
But if the thought was there
then what's the difference?

About
endings
That come before the beginnings
About decisions
That create too many complications
About moments
That never see existence
About hearts
That never reach repentance.

People come and go
just like the rivers flow
So what happens when
the rivers all go dry
Is it the day
that we all die?

Too mean for the Angels
Too nice for the Devils
Hovering in the land of inbetween
I can't help but see what is meant to be unseen
It's not a mistake
It's a miscalculation of human proportions
I don't want to fall into the desert late each night
I'd rather die by the heat than by the quiet.

it's hard to keep going
when i could just keep sleeping

I can't find peace
The pain is a silence
That breathes inside of me.

Sometimes I feel
like a useless mass of space matter
Clumped together by ideas long ago tainted

I just do not understand
How the universe could be so against me
when I am the universe

A storm haunts the summer night.
The thunder cracks and makes you shiver,
Making your muscles tight.
Flowers begin to wither.

The thunder cracks and makes you shiver
The lightning takes your breath away.
Flowers begin to wither,
As fear lingers and stays.

The lightning takes your breath away,
Making your muscles tight.
As fear lingers and stays,
A storm haunts the summer night.

What is a rose?
A delicate flower of kaleidoscope proportions
Silent, deadly, susceptible to wind.
What is a human?
A disease flourishing with noble distortions
Lively, healthy, *perfectly bent.

sometimes I just want to run away
my thoughts aren't beautiful
but they're honest

It's Friday
It's pay day
It's time to go get me
Another AR-15
So I can go shoot the breeze
You can't tell me that it's wrong
The 2nd amendment has been around way too long
For you to croon your gun control song

Don't matter what you've got to say
When I've got the NRA on my side
Supporting MY life
But don't worry
If anything, you should be proud
Because the NRA says
No Regulations Allowed!

I don't get why you're so upset
I studied gun safety once
Eight years back
So I got your girl Teresa's back
No, like, I literally just shot her in the back
There's blood everywhere!
Don't scream, I'm telling you because I care

Oh, don't look at me like t h a t
Accidents happen all the time
I'm perfectly capable of handling this gun
You're just out to take me rights
And steal my fun!

Uhm, but forreal could you watch your tone?
I know you care about Teresa
But what about how I feel?
My masculinity isn't set to "criticism permitted" mode
It's on "gun control prohibited" mode
Say anymore and I'll have to go

I'm not gonna lie, the second amendment makes me come alive
Even as other people continue to die
I guess you could say I'm a real guy's guy

Anyways, just because Teresa got hurt
That doesn't mean that gun control would work
Why don't you just consult the CDC
You'll see, they'll side with me
And, no, it's not a funding thing
It's a freedom thing
If anything, you should be proud
Don't be shy, come along now
Support the NRA
No Regulations Allowed!

Double edged simplicity
I get caught up in your vicinity
Soaking in your misery
But running away is a luxury
Never afforded to people like me.

A blow to the face
Settling new, falling from grace
Where is your innocence?
Strung out, hung up by your recklessness.

The blood, chilled in my veins
I try to keep going
But nothing feels the same
What happened here?
You had my joy
But now I'm only filled with fear.

What happened here?
You had my world
Now, I'm hardened from the tears.

She was young
And never saw the world
She's been hung up
Left out to dry
But still she picks herself up
And carries on
Even when the tears are falling
She continues on 
Moving through her lives. 

Because without the movement
Comes the failure
And with the failure comes the hatred
She's not just a girl
She's the current sweeping away the pain
The earth moving, unsettling 
A stab here
A chip of the heart there
She keeps on running
But ends up nowhere.