My mind is playing tricks
flipping into reverse,
all is static,
I'm frantically sadistic.

I'm on the grind,
****'s grinding my gears,
you say my name like it's sounds I made up
even in our sheets we're ****** up.

The rat race isn't a race,
but a triathlon
we aren't athletes,
we're just dragging our feet along,
no ping to life's pong,
this is a poem
'cause I can't write songs.

A worn out girl
beaten daily
by her dad
brother
boyfriend
fiancée
husband.

All of them.

The weight of the world is on her shoulders.

Like any other day.

i will always regret
the words I didn't say
more than the words
I did say.

We flew to Las Vegas
and Atlantic City
a lot in our gambler years.
Walked down the Strip
or Borgata
bathed in city lights
pumped up on drinks.

Lester got snatched
for counting cards,
Derrick went away,
drunk driving,
we don’t care
we just keep drinking
and keep losing.

Practicing poker faces
at the table
makes it easier
to lie to our wives.

And we don’t talk about our kids
while at the tables
or in the bar.
College funds gambled away
or spent on prostitutes.
We know we’re
letting them down.

i was hopeful
but you made me lose hope
i hope
you know that.
hopefully,
you do
'cause i can't tell you.

nine years old
such a beautiful girl
sparkly eyes
long, dark hair
and still haven't lost her
zest for life.

she gets tucked in at night
and is sung a lullaby
everything is quiet and happy
but only up until this point.

in the eye of the storm,
her covers are ripped off of her
her pajamas torn apart
her face is filled with
tears
sweat
fright.

****** in the dark
she sings him a lullaby
scarred for life
devastating
and who would have thought
it was her brother all along?

Keen little neons
playfully jump around, colliding with her mind
and she sits there, legs crossed, her ***** aroused,
but it gets doused as the Wall Street pinstripe type walks by
she utters a sigh, looks at the sky, the ending's nigh, and it's night.

Skyline looks pretty
beams and lighted apartment block kitchens and real pop-up ads,
them keen little neons,
her eyes flicker like those hanging lights in horror films,
perpetuate fear, the skeletons are in the clear.
I told you, you schmuck, the end is near.

he jumped off Golden Gate
they never saw him again.

cracked his skull on the pavement
the boys kept kicking.

blood spilled everywhere
suicide note too soaked to read.

he arrived to the party in a Ford Escort
he left it in an ambulance.

My thinking is in bold,
but my words in lower-case.

She dreams in italics,
but,
unfortunately,
speaks in CAPITALS.

You stood there
wearing your hurricane dress.
And all that swept across my mind
was how the gale would clash our bodies together.

After-party, the people were firmly rooted
bored, long-winded.
You were in the bathroom stall on the second floor
blowing me away,
blowing me in gusts
and launching a chilling breeze
down my spine.

Years later, the sweet tunes
clanged by the wind chimes
reminded me of you
wearing your hurricane dress
leaving me breathless.
Before you stormed off.

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer
I know you well,
we go a long way back
you wanted to **** my mum,
starting with her *******,
and then fondling my dad's *****,
wrecking homes wherever you go.
Who's next?

We build rays to keep you out
what are you all about?
You like those children, too, you pervert.
Cysts, cysts, cysts,
he who will be kissed,
will be missed.
Who's next?

People blow on your cigarettes
while you **** the life out of them,
cutting their hair off, sending off moans.
Listen to their groans.
Why do you wanna see their bones?
Who's next?

Hey, *** me a smoke
I can't smoke my lucky one.
Could you ******* it, too?
We didn't last in the long run,
but I used to ******* you.

*** me a smoke,
I'm a broke bloke
What's your attitude about?
Don't *** me out.

My grandma won't hug me
she thinks I stink
My mum bugs me
when I get too much to drink,
I think.

My friends think it's cool
we stand in the bike shed behind our school.
The girls are looking,
I just wanna look good.
Can you please *** me a smoke?

Hanging in space,
suspended in nothingness,
tiny little cubes
with rounded edges
glistening brightly
like bulbs;
they're moments.

Some moments are nice
and some worth writing about.
The best moments **** time;
Earth spins slowly,
your bones tilt
your guts twist
and then it's over
like blown-out candles
just like that.

The tiny little cubes are snapshots,
they capture the moments
and they won't shake them after they come out.
The cubes are collages
of your entire life
of the feelings you've felt
the experiences you've had
and your love wrote a cute note at the bottom of the picture.

The tiny little cubes go unnoticed
by most people
but you.
However,
the moments still exist
as long as there are someone
to remember them.

So, I sorta broke away,
colliding into the moon to prove
that you're my number one.
Wipe your tears because I'm here to
promise that I'll always be around,
if not,
I'm near you.

I waltzed with the sun
and mingled with the stars.
always behind bars on Mars,
trapped by your stun gun.
I was the center of galaxies,
oddly enough,
you were the black hole
and seized control
and you made me slip

down to Earth
I smacked my head
and you said,
"Try ******* off instead".

it feels like
the only thing connecting us
these days
is my ****.

now, kid, I know I haven't been the best
man to guide you through life
I've tried my best
succeeded
and failed
but I've tried my best.

I loved you
I miss you
it's been almost a year
I hate the gap
that you left behind.

You were so amazing
always nice
kind
giving
funny
the best thing I ever
brought to this world
you always lived for yourself
and yourself alone
but you helped others
to live their lives to the fullest.

I just took some sleeping pills
not too much, just enough to see you
I miss you so much.
But I wonder,
who'll take care
of your mum and sister
when I'm gone.

The
Life's amazings
you've got so much to live fors
people love yous
are too much
I'd rather go out wildly
or by botch.

My defences are like chewing glass Skittles;
they're too brittle, my mouth full of shards
I'm spewing blood by the yards,
while switching wards;
I've tasted the rainbow,
the flavour was like ****
blow after blow, I've taken all the hits.

sometimes
silence speaks louder
than words could ever do.

if altitude
is determined by
attitude
I'm in my grave.

every morning
betwixt and between
will they fill my place
with someone else
or am I given one more day?

go to school
I see my friends,
walking over to them
I know what they're thinking

there he comes again
such a loser
why do we bother?
**** him, I hate him
let's freeze him out

but when I get there
they're always smiles and chuckles
always cracking jokes
at the poor disabled kid
and I'm laughing with them.

I wish this loneliness
would leave me alone.
I am legally blind, a metaphor for my state of mind
I like to keep people at bay, say, do all people carry dismay?
I look at her *****, it's like a potent revolver
Warm, wet, scratched, and half-seen
I wish I was a problem solver.

dozens of lamps on a string, flashing
bass and **** yous hurling in the air
"Cheese".
fifty applications out, no cashing
cold apartments and lots of life's not fair
"Cheese".
lotta pills in my veins, teeth gnashing
at this point, i just don't care
"Cheese".
brother comes out, plates smashing
parents won't share a prayer
"Cheese".
walked outside one night, two guys dashing
bones cracking and small tears and a big tear
"Cheese".
eviction, no help, no compassion
just another Kodak moment
**Say "Cheese".

Flames behind me
the smoke blinds me
the fall in front of me
don't wanna jump, not for the life of me.

We've all hit our expiration dates
Johnson dangling, entangled in a wire
he's 68, he was about to retire
a burnt child dreads the fire
and he's a lump of charcoal.

Up many storeys
the planes hit precisely.
News helicopters flying and taping
there's no escaping,
the fire's approaching.

I need to jump,
no slow death here.
Here we go,
Geronimo!

Fire caught me in my fall
God's doing his roll call
pain in my legs as the ground comes closer
I move quick, I cannot breathe, my lungs are squished
Did I tell my kids I love them?
No, but I wish.

When I was around her
she pulled the colour out of space,
tore the fabric apart, left no trace.
I knew her
inside out,
upside down,
forwards and backwards,
she called the shots,
but I shot the calls.

She liked her anemone,
it was her friend to be
it was buried, caught in a sea
of nettles, but she ripped off all the petals
as easily as
time and space itself.

Take that girl back
to her house;
through dark tunnels and
crooked path systems.
Take her back.

She kisses you
a reward for her knight;
silky cashmere satin challis kiss.
Knocks you out.

Peel the kiss off your lips
fold it
and store it in your heart;
and even though it feels like
your heart grew three sizes,
there's not enough room for it.
Just hold it.

Walk through the drizzle
back home, not paying attention to
the ***** on your shoes
the lack of cigarettes
the upcoming exam
(you're *******).

Unravel the kiss when you're old
sitting in your rocking chair;
do you still taste the cherry lip balm?

trapped in loops
reliving the same days
over and over.

the same sights
the same thoughts
the same actions
round and round
we go.

if we get through
today
our dreams will
definitely come true
tomorrow.

Outside, heading eastbound
It's getting warmer outside,
sun is shining, sky is blue.
It all feels right.

Out for a few nights,
music is so loud
colours going everywhere; blue, green, yellow, red, purple;
kaleidoscopic
I wanna dive in
and swim
I miss the tropics.

Pain all around
shooting following shooting
I'll work it out
distant chatters just
filter out into choruses
and phase out.

Ringing in my ears
nose bleeding
memories fading
no more colours
just black

**...

the hardest part about not drinking
is how quickly that number of days
can be
ruined and
reset
just by cracking open
one beer.

she waits on the streets
ready to meet the one
walking up and down the avenues
hopefully to run into a pleasant man.
but they never are.
always *******
gross
crude
what money does to people.

every week
she gets her allowance
from the one she calls "daddy"
and most of it is wasted
on cheap beer and
cigarettes.

as you read this
she's making dollars
in a squeaky bed
in a basement
and she's only fifteen.

Golden Gate Bridge,
pathway between two worlds
the bay's own graveyard.

A young man named Kevin
on the rail, talking to officers.
Shifting
from side
to side
a leg in both worlds.

He had lost all hope
odds were stacked against
life had doled out too many lemons
and he leapt.
Ending his own pain
and sparking everyone else's.

Hello,
Welcome to the other side;
lust over love
we struck a dead note and
we're capsizing your boat.

You're lost
coughing and wheezing;
shivering and freezing
come through the smoke
and to the other side.

School's out
forever;
it's all pills and heels
blurring faces and nightlife lights.

back home
we talk past each other
and always about other people
in our circles.
we only care
about ourselves.

back home
we have a small garden
eight feet of space
nice and well-kept
shielding out the concrete reality.

back home
we smoke so much
we've forgotten the taste of fresh air.
we smoke until our rooms get blue
and our lungs black.

we smoke to **** time
and ourselves.

back home
not only smoke fills the air
shouts
shrieks
screams
and happy pop tunes
endlessly on the radio.

Great time
lots of wine
you left, I'm in bed.
Butterflies cartwheeling
and then I crumble.

Making memories
family members
people I enjoy
I smile and feel warm
and then I crumble.

Night out
having fun
cool summer night
just a speck of amber street light
and then I crumble.

Long life
loving wife
sitting in my rocking chair
still got all of my hair
and then I crumble.

looking around
in the room
she flashes her teeth
and winks to the crowd.

the pursuit of happiness
is a rough one
every boulevard covered
with pastel-shaded
houses.

nothing is real
no nature, no oceans, no sky
everything is just
tinsel smiles and plastic kisses,
just ikea boxes pinned to the walls
for decoration.

i used to love the smell of her
on my clothes
i used to enjoy her hair
pacing in front of my eyes.

but
everything collapsed
worlds colliding
people make mistakes
even the people we love.

now i'm more in love
with our memories
than with her.
but in the end
we all become the person
we swore we'd never be.

wistful
rhymes
with wishful.
both are
central
in my life.

Los Angeles
Griffith Park,
June 2009,
we got out of our concrete cage
and into the untamed wild.

We tried to escape the amber streetlights
because they polluted the sky;
twinkling stars
winking aeroplanes and
startling skylines
covered in the midnight blue.
I walked with you,
in lockstep,
we avoided the cracks
in the pavement.

We found a quiet place,
just you and I,
the sky cleared
and I didn’t want to blow my cigarette palls
into the sky
as I feared
they would block your view.

Doing escapades
is just not enough for you.
You make sequels
to previous mistakes
and just like films,
they get worse and worse.

i miss people i've never met
their imaginary faces stick to my eyes
relationships i could have if i was there
at some point
stuck watching them unfold without me on the t.v.
i miss people i've seen on screens
no flesh and no bones
only heartless machines

i miss places my soles didn't even scrape
taking busses people suffer through every morning
daily routines i'll never have and apartments i can't afford anyway
i miss being in coordinates
kissing the skies on buildings
taller than they come here
geotagging myself where i see myself
not on my bed
tilting nights colliding with my head

today i wrote a masterpiece
but for a status update on Facebook.

it's hard being full-time in love
with a part-time lover

you're howling at the other girls
in the bright moonlight
hunting them down
******* their carcasses.

then returning
kissing me goodnight
being ever so still.

I'm over you
but you keep appearing
under me

life’s such a film
independent b movie
badly written
poorly edited
dialogue all too real.

starring me as the main character and
I am the producer
director
script writer
cameraman
and I plug it
to every Fallon out there.

and … scene
after his struggles,
the main character filters out
not in a blaze of glory
but noose in hand
rat poison and
Johnnie Walker on his breath.
He didn’t want to end up like his mom
but look at him now.

Silence teaches you how
to be afraid of your thoughts
to love the voices
to hear static
to enjoy the crackle
to be sinister.

Silence teaches you how
to welcome pain
to inflict pain
to be perverse
to poison.

Silence teaches you how
to lose yourself
to feel the snaps
and the booms
to harm
and to tap and shiver.

the one. three words:

"I.

     love.

                you."






(we've lost touch)

passing by on the streets
talking
cracking the same jokes.
but it's not the same.
it'll never be the same.

sometimes i wonder
how many people
I’ve talked to for the last time.

sometimes I wonder
how many people
I’ve hurt and how many
I have yet to hurt.

sometimes I wonder
how many times I’ve passed
the person I’ll marry.

sometimes I wonder
which of the people I love
will die first.

sometimes I wonder
when I’ll die
and if that will finally
make me happy.

je voudrais faire un câlin à toi
mais tu pues comme l'innocence
d'une clope.

ma mamie encore ne parle pas
à moi.

Society is no fun
imaginary responsibilities weigh a ton.

A pro status quo preaches,
not voting is a sin,
you sucker punch him,
you like punching suckers like him.