and I hope catching a glimpse of what you can't have is worth losing what you already do.

There is a vast depth within me,
strange and inexplicable
even to myself...
No words exist to explain
the truths that lie there.
Only pigment and brush
intuitively composed
on blank canvas
by hands none other than my own.

strange how a very real moment
later becomes a less tangible memory

time passes and our memory fails us
(what color shirt was he wearing?)

tiny little moments become representatives
for longer spans of time

a phase, or an age
comprised of only a handful of images,
plus the smell of burning candles and vanilla frosting
always plants you right in the middle of your ninth birthday party

quiet
restless
stirred by words
that poke between ribs
filled to the brim
with resentment
what does happiness taste like?

is it sweet?
or is it bitter, like a low realization
that you get what you pay for
time spent
money wasted

the present reality
or the parallel universe
where everything you wanted
exists

who am i?

It sparked my interest
caught my eye
the glittering deception
of a living lie
frozen and captured
where the light shone far too bright
and blinded me
looking back, it was brief
everything I thought he wasn’t
has caused me so much grief

my chest heaves
from poor health
or heartache
it’s hard to say
what I do know
is the weight
of your absence
feels heavier today

a heart is wild
a beating, throbbing beast
held prisoner by the ribcage
hardly contained
within this bony enclosure
ready to leap
right out of my chest
and consume you

Your pain keeps you company.
You let your demons come out to play.
You wear your anger as a coat of armor.
And then wonder why everyone runs away.

do you know
that strange, inexplicable feeling?
the one where you did nothing wrong
yet you are filled with guilt?
or the one where you came back
after having the time of your life
and now everything feels
sad and lonely?
like our soul is trying to tell us something
that our logic hasn't quite figured out yet.
pay attention to that little feeling,
that little voice inside you,
that's always there but it never shouts
it is always soft and quiet, gently nudging
kindly reminding us of our untapped emotions,
if we learn to feel them deeply
we can begin to know ourselves.

i may grow
from a crack in the concrete
but i still grow

as difficult as it may be
i will not let the weight
prevent me from blooming

life has seasons
and I am not a flower
I am a tree
with changing colors
shedding it's leaves

If I could find the words to speak
and say them without getting weak,
it's all right there inside my head
thoughts just jumbled up instead.
Give me a chance to write them down
and I'll describe my world without a sound.

though you and I
have yet to travel
very far on Earth
through the night sky
I’ve lost count
of all the stars traversed

It’s a strange feeling.
I can prove that heartbreak is a physical condition,
just let me tell you
that everyday I wake up with a
heavy feeling in my chest
and I’ve begun to realize that it’s my heart
frozen over from your cold words. Your icy hands
have gripped around what was left of
my love, taking it so deceivingly
destroying it so effortlessly
leaving me so empty.

the pain doesn't go away
it only grows deeper
becomes buried
and from time to time
resurfaces, often when
you least expect it
when you're washing dishes
or driving home
your thoughts wander
to hidden memories
and before you know it
your eyes fill with tears
you try to wipe them away
and push these thoughts aside
but why would you want to forget
something that you care so deeply for?

There are countless stories
living, breathing in my bones
begging to be freed,
piercing the unknown.
Each day conjures a tale
that plays out within my mind,
a world that seems so real to me,
who knows what I may find.
My subconscious divided
between this world and my own;
A thousand lives have settled
and made myself their home.

I cannot explain
the radiating darkness
this tiny frame holds onto...
Like a black hole, small and dense
consuming all light surrounding.

A collapsing sun
once brilliant enough
to light up a solar system
now disappears upon
the event horizon.

Almost is a word often used
with negative connotation
Synonymous with
nigh
nearly
not quite
When the thing you strive for
is just barely out of reach.

"He almost caught the train"
"She almost fell in love"

In this case, it's different.
What I would give
for an almost right now...
"It was almost too late"
"She almost didn't make it"
"We almost lost you"

Time is wicked
I don't understand
there is either not enough
or too much
and today too much
time has passed
since I last saw you
hugged you
stood in the same room as you
and now without notice
you're gone
just like the time
that has passed
and we can never get back.

I tried to bury the hurt
deep, deep inside.
But it returns to haunt me,
because I buried it alive.

I looked upon the night at my family of stars
My brothers and sisters burning bright
illuminating a dark sky with their beauty
My mother and father who brought me here
a twinkle in their ancient eyes
from long ago, taking form over centuries of history
All of my family's universal energy
flowing together for their descendant, me
to have an opportunity to breathe
to exist for a fleeting moment
in the greater eternal scheme

she burned every bridge
because the heat from the fire kept her warm
and the danger of the flames were better than emptiness

she burned every bridge
and sank every ship
before she realized she was on an island
alone.

On occasion you can find me
lost in lonesome corridors
cleaning bones out of closets
wandering down winding hallways
with faint and foggy memories lining their walls.
Amongst boarded up, locked doors,
few remain open, awaiting guests
in the dusty space I have yet revisit.
I wonder how I wound up in this haunted home...
My home in fact, though I often don't recognize it

I write novels in my head before I fall asleep
I'm sick of making promises I never meant to keep
I always climb the mountains that are far too steep
I'm in over my head, I'm in way too deep

You opened a door
I wanted to keep shut
and now the things
I feared behind it
run loose and wild
dark thoughts take hold
multiplying, spreading
a disease I cannot cure
This darkness engulfs me
and your hand is just
barely out of reach

The anticipation of spring's arrival
knowing that it seems far but is closer than we think
That's what makes winter beautiful
We see everything die, the cold settles in and overstays its welcome
We begin thinking it will stay winter forever
and then the sun thaws out,
a little green plant pushes it's way out of the earth
and it says, "it's not the end, it's a new beginning."

Perfection is overrated,
we use this word all the time
to describe people, things, moments
but this description is inaccurate
We all know nothing in this world
is perfect in every way
Eliminate this word from your vocabulary
Replace it with: real, beautiful, honest, true
You don't want to be perfect
You want to be wonderful, beautiful, mistake making YOU.

I wish I could put
these moments in a jar
and whenever I am lonely
home would never be too far.

He was absolutely everything,
and that was far too much.