I hate routine
and even though
I hate it,
with all my guts
with all my life
with all my veins
and I have been
saying it
for as long
as I have lived
I am still
doing it
embracing it
enduring it
for almost
two years
I have been
out there
every single
weekdays
from seven to six
without fail
except for
those days
where I cannot move
or think
and sometimes
it stretched until
eight, nine at night
and there were
few times
where it stretched
to ten, eleven
close to midnight
and I have
to go out again
the next day
to do it again
to force
the cycle
and to force
myself
to jump over
the hurdle
just to get
a bowl
full of noodle
and I believe
it is the best
of all routine
that able
to be served
to the human
of all layers
of all levels
of all stratums
that are
desperately
in need of
a life.

So if you
ask me again
why do
I hate routine
please allow me
to ask you back
after all that
I have gone through
How can I not say
that I hate routine?

26/4/14

I wanted
I really
I really, really
wanted
to write
something
that is so
beautiful
something
that only
an angel
could think of
something
that blows
our possessed
crooked minds
away
something
that could
captured
the heart
of thousand roses
and rhinos.

Noting
on what I
am doing
at the
moment,
lies are
here
to stay
to feed
to satisfy
those with the
precious
unperturbed
untortured
minds
to congratulate
them at
the end
of their
endless quest.

The polemic exists
when the full circle persist;

The space in between?

A mess that you don't have to clean?

A question of what could have been?

The questions are valid
for the idea is not obsolete.

This ideation
with any prevention
or without
any encouragement
will still be an ideation.

The proposition
to vanish
and disperse
the entire town
within this state
is nothing more
of an eternal insult
to the intelligence
of any insurgency.

The resolution
to establish
and entertain
an institution
is nothing more
like an immolation
committed by those
who are severely loyal
on the day of a funeral rite.

The confession
of his excitement
towards his own
destruction and
epidemic distortion
is nothing more
like a random fly
dancing gleefully
to its own death.

This ideation
with any prevention
or without
any encouragement
will still be an ideation.

24.5.2014

If I let myself be myself,
then this world will never
have a case of ****** theft
if I let myself be myself,
then I will never be myself.

As the water runs off the tap,
let it flows, let it glows,
tornado, tornado.

If I ever be myself,
then the book would never
have met its owner off the shelf
if I ever be myself,
then what else would have left?

As the mother falls off the map,
let it shows, let it grows,
innuendo, innuendo.

The cut is temporary,
unlike woes.

But arrows
reside deep in the bow.

Love me
if you love me.

If you love me
why don't you
come here
and say
"I love you"

and we
can start anew.

Age
shall not
worry me,
nor the years
condemn.

I yearn
for an existence
that goes beyond
everything,
and nothing
deserves to bind me
and dethrone me
from my own
plateau.

I deserve
every single breathe
that I heave,
and there is
nothing off me
that you can
steal.

We left our hearts
in the graveyard
and now you ask
for a new start,
well isn't that
sounds like
the funniest part,
when all the doors
and windows have been shut.
Still you have the guts
to pick all the pieces,
all the shards
when you are not
even a wildcard
in our hearts.

Go away, die in lake
go away, rot in hell
you leech, son of a witch.

The                         failings
of


mainstream media

is a bless
                to the society.

Into the night
we stand still
and hold on tight
whatever we feel
unless it is right
we foot the bill
to reverse the tide
overflow overflow
change the world
so that we can grow.

It doesn't feel right
when the neon is too bright
and instinct is out of sight
give me a rollercoaster ride
before you hold me tight
push me with all your might
but when it doesn't feel right,
it doesn't feel right.

George pleaded for his life
begged to breathe, requested
the continuity of his own existence
before the lynch with a knee
on the commemoration day
of many lives that have burned in vain
violent resistance on detention
a fabrication out of desperation
when all they had was the sick joy
of seeing an innocence in pain
fell silent and motionless
once and for all,
and he too, has burned in vain.

do not let that be a fact.

Eric waits, and now
George too.

I regret
looking at the sky
with bare eyes
leading a choir
after a failed heist
tailing the stairwell
that goes to nowhere
throwing the sand
into the vast thin air
plucking the pear
from the dying trees
closing the doors
from a pack of wolves
storming out without
leaving a single trace
rocking the balans chair
to lock the innerspace
watering the rotten
and yellowish plants
yelling at all of
the bare shadows
watching the paint
goes dry and shy
aching at the sight
of tender butterfly
wearing the tremors
out of the dying luck
punching the weight
by a hard-boiled spate
quelling the thoughts
of the spinning bolt
flushing rapidly
the medals and stature
tumbling over the concern
amid the immense fear
visiting the old memoria
out of angsty melancholy
drawing out the crowd
out of fiery intimacy
dragging the woven sack
to the stuffy warehouse
questioning the pride
of a bleak posthumous
ripping the joy through
the thorny interrogation
piling the myth over
the existential desperation
pinning everything,
everything on a single thing.

There is a wall,
in every telling truths.

I ignored the final call
to the promise land,
and I shall be celebrated.

lights turn on,
and it wakes me.

I want you to know how it feels like to be in my shoes, just like how you wish that everyone can feel the same as you and despite all of the feelings in this world that are generated by the same kind of source; love and hate, kindness and cruelty, sadness and happiness, we still fail at agreeing on the only great fate for us as we are reluctant to determine what is really right for us and therefore, in return, we can never leave our mark in any era, any generation that we are in, for the failure to avoid our will to consume from the deep within will ensure that we will endure another war, another famine, another epidemic that can only be undone by us, by having the empathy and love towards one another.

lights dim,
and it shatters me.

It is not impossible
to find joy in pain
when things are
getting sensible
for all of us
to feed a ploy
that will always
play and return
to the initial point
over and over
again.

Tell me
who does not
ever feel
joy in pain?
a veterinary
a mail carrier
a sous chef
a sommelier
a taco vendor
a groundsman
a pilates trainer
a football quarterback
a fast food chain worker
a ship captain in Somalia
they all have tasted
the wine of delight
while they have been
wounded severely
every single day
when they woke up
in the morning
from Monday to Sunday.

As for me
I’d rather
blow away my mind
by blowing
few rolls full of life
before I take
the paper
and detach
the pen cap
from its body
to start writing again.

I am
just
a kid.

a kid
that you
have to
beat.

beat meat, beat meat,
beat meat,
today is
your turn
for a treat.

terus
tenggelam
dalam
kisah silam
kekal
bertentangan
dengan
kisah hadapan
sudah
menjadi resam
penuh
dengan harapan
pencarian berterusan
mencari perlindungan

apakah erti
pendewasaan
apakah erti
kemerdekaan

satu batang tubuh
katanya penentu
jaya atau buntu
kekal tunduk patuh
menjarah sesuatu
diam membatu.

Kudos to Kaepernick.

I just cannot drown all my beliefs and ideas, even if it contradicts my flesh and soul. When I heard that not standing up to the tune; that has always succeeded on sweeping all of the messes underneath the sad reality, to be deemed as subversive, I know that Rosa would definitely clench onto the seat tighter than ever.

Kneel, my friend, kneel.

To drag our body out there, all over the precious hills and fields, while acting as if the scale has always been set fairly beneath you all this time, will hurt you more than myself. How can a mere matter of things decide our future, our destiny? We shall shape our fate, you shall shape your own fate, and to be judged on the perception biasedly built in the name of order for thousands of years, is a situation that should not be endured by anyone or anything in a tiny dot within this vast universe.

Kneel, my friend, kneel.

And for that, I cannot stand proudly and profess my love to you as of now, even though I will always wear my heart on my sleeve for you to see. To be cheated, to be manipulated, to be deemed as surplus, by those at the tip of the plateau, that cunningly asked us to forget all the tangles and wrangles for the love of this sacred land, while unashamedly distribute everything off the land, off the ocean amongst them, is the last thing that we should allow to happen. I am one of those people that are not able to put on the mask on top of our meant-to-be honest faces, to say hail to the thief is worse than the eternal grief. I have never dreamed of burying the hatchet with them, not even for a second and if I ever do it, I shall be condemned and dismissed for forgetting the roots, the fons et origo of mine. To love you does not mean to stand still to the soulless melodies, to love you does not mean to bow down to the meaningless piece of cloth that has overseen countless infiltration and bombing over the years.

Kneel, my friend, kneel.

To love you is to fight for the rights of many, by any means, even by not standing up. When black is no longer the symbol of miserable, filth and calamity, we shall then breath with ease, stand on our feet and fully embrace the real meaning behind all those majestic words.

Kudos to Kaepernick.

We are all
part of this folklore,
that lead us to the only door.
There is only one single war,
and we keep asking for more.

Burn the flowers,
lose count on the feathers,
veil bought and dropped,
**** all the mobs.

Bomb the tomb they said, bomb the tomb.

I might lay the wreath on the innocence
on this ill-fated day
but in near future day
we will lay the wreath on the ignorance
on one fine day.

War should've been given a miss,
But life, life is a promise.

You burn the box
and set the ring of fire
you tame the fox
and set up the wings of desire.

How can I walk away?

Let me in.

Maybe
I am just too young

And
I don't possess an iron lung

But
I am definitely where your heart has sunk.

I am indebted
to this life,
for giving me
the meaning
to the
whole context
despite
the meaninglessness
of it.

For its inexistence,
I am just
going to be
another stardust
in a vast, darkly sky
above the raging sea
in every cold, empty night.

There is no
debacle;
just a set of
uncertain chronicle.

I am tired
of putting on the shirt
because it reminds me
of the unwanted chain
before the imminent dawn
plucked bouquets
torn down curtains
ripped out blankets
burnt book covers
broken empty cups,

because all that
are just signs of a show
that is about to be staged.

Looking for the words
the exact words of prayers
in several agnostic pages
with untidy, scattered phrases
- blindfold yourself like
how you're used to all this time.

In the backyard
of your six feet layers
of loneliness
interrogate the dogs,
like when you breathe in
the happiness.

Assemble
all the words.

Lament.

Express yourself
like how you make love
to the dark, feverish heartache.

It is
not precious

it is just plain ludicrous

and full of atrocities.

Lose it, lose it
before
you thought
you can


feel it.

Our love disregard the feeling inside us.

Just like the hitman, just like the cosmonaut, we are looking for the holy grail which is disputable after all, while everything that adores and devotes itself to us slowly fades away.

We serve the alternate illusion of eternity despite the struggle that love faced in fulfilling the well, that will never be well.

What is in there?

I don't
remember
or
can quite
understand it
whether
all this
will drag me
into hell
or heaven
whether
all this
will lead me
to the tip of
the sky
or the edge of
the sea
whether
this is
a true love
or just
an honest obsession.

But
every single
morning
when I wake up
with you
in my arms
as I stare
deep from
the end of my
fiery eyes
to the end
of your
flowery eyes
there,

I knew it.

I just knew it
and
I deserve it.

I've poured
half of my juice
inside the glass
on top of the table
when the nature
came calling.
So, I went to the loo
expecting the juice
to wet my throat
and work its magic
few seconds later.

Turns out
the cat had climbed
the table and
accidentally kicked
the glass
while reaching
for the fried pomfret
under the cover
which I never noticed
the existence of it
while I was away.

I have lost the word
to describe
the situation
and I have lost my mind
over the situation.

22.6.2014

Apa yang ku mahu

Hanya ku yang tahu



Biar ada datang membelenggu

Akan datang angin menyatu



Lari,lari pergi saja diriku

Jauh ke puncak aku tetap berlalu



Aku jiwa lama termangu

Bosan, letih jadi diriku



Kerna ada saja yang rasa tahu

Lebih dari rohku.


16 April 2012

There was a cotton candy
wrapped with a bleeding ham
on my spineless lap
the lady luck smiled at me
while handing me
a burning, fiery horseradish
and while I'm shaking
at the point of receiving,
I felt free and relieved.

I took turn
ramming it up my mouth
one by one
pieces by pieces
yes I did, I did
sado masochism
Sade barbarism
but it felt nothing
out of this world
I felt at ease, I felt at home.

I bit my lips and wanted more.
but nothing could have
satisfied me,
and I always knew it.

I command myself to do so,
so do I.

maybe
it is
about
to end

but
you always
know when
tomorrow

begins.

Maybe it's for you but not for me, but who knows?

When will the time stop and give way to the paradoxical space that will shove the soul out of its life, eventually?

Tend to think that the archetypal white collar worker is what you should be before you delve into the reality?

Jumped into the ripest chord of a void song, and you found nothing but truth and perplexity?

Threw yourself into the wilderness but you are still deprived of happiness, only peace, filled with emptiness?

Crashed the mental into bi-polarizing set of uncertainty and sanity, driving everything towards the ravine of confusion and misinterpretation?

Dropped the last sweat of joy and contentment before you discover the eventuality, pessimistic value of the whole context?  

Until the ultimate full stop appears, will you understand what is the whole story is all about?

Put a mirror
in between us
and you might
not see yourself at all.

I
won't
mourn
over
my
eventual
demise.

I
just
want
to
keep
in mind.

I
am
done
with
lies.

Walking
out
of
thin
line.

Running
o­ut
of
time.

and tell me
how it feels like
returning to the suburbia
walking past couples
eating chilly popsicles
from each others’ hands
while kids fall on the pavements
not a worry, not a melee
as the first full moon
overlooking us
beyond the double pulses
built at the epicentre
witnessing all of the
wild, harsh river flows
that taught us life
I am not the melodramatic aristocrat
you are the forgetful, envious plutocrat
will you make it through January
when I still linger with December?

you would know that only answer.

My dear,
you are the greatest of them all.
You don't have to worry that
the chimney is running out of fire.
You are the most powerful and
the most efficient gasoline
needed for in me, for your presence
and companion I will light up
the whole world,
You never left me in
bewilderment and perplexity
all you did was making me
lament at the thought of
the complexity.

22.5.2014

well,
it depends.

it depends
on how you look at it.

the anger that
branches in you are meaningless.

the frustration that
rests deep in you is meaningless.

the desperation that
is trapped in you is meaningless.

all of it might poison
you, but you, you are still you.

you are still here,
out there, existing and surviving.

it does not matter
why or how you are breathing.

because you are
just a future ground zero.

and you are still around
pondering over the possibilities.

and performing
at this grandest stage ever
is the proudest achievement
of your life.

We are just running away
or after something
if it never turns dark
from right to left
counterclockwise
the beast is still
tough and wide awake
the latitude means the world
is not in a linear desperation
to feed the temptation
of failure and destruction.

So you thought
that you can run
away,
escape from
all the misery
pain
and tragedy.

You give your best
you try
every option
of escapism
that available
upon you,
you thought
everything will
disappear
once you move away
from the place
that you stand.

But,
you are wrong
those things
won't simply
go away.

Never.

Such a
disappointment
I have placed
myself in a
confinement

and

lurking for hope
in desperation
is no longer
part of the
only question.

At which point, does a man realized
that he is everything but a human who he thinks he is?

I am asking for your permission
to allow me to cut open your abdomen
so that I can pull your intestines
before your eyes and display it
just like the fish and the hen
at the daily market.
You may chew and taste it on your own
before you digest it,
and figure out whether
it will grow again or not.
Never mind, I had enough of this blood smell
so I am just going to ring the bell again,
and I am asking you again:

At which point, does a man realized
that he is everything but a human who he thinks he is?

With money
you are happy
with money
you will act silly
with money
you will not be lonely
with money
you do not need this body
with money
you can always be free
with money
you don't want to be
anything that you can be.
with money
nothing is left for you to see.
but with money
you cannot buy the empathy
and with money
you cannot buy
your sanity.

What kind of world it is,
if half of it is satisfied in isolating the rest of it,
happy at letting it to be in
the dark over the whole idea, situation, and vision.

Even looking at the rest of it
invokes the other half of distrust and disgust.

Corrupting the idea
of a united world is the biggest treason committed towards the creation of mankind.

O, you are a success.
You are a living success.
You are a success,
that have unearthed
the chaos and unrest
in the minds of a generation
from baby boomers to millenials
from the east to the west.

O, you are a success.
You are a living success.
you left a lasting memory
and unshaken legacy
filled with utter hypocrisy
and bureaucracy
shrouded with the cry
of everlasting demand
and accomplishment.

O, you are a success.
why should you be worried.
You are a living success.

While you sat at that corner
singing all your praises
over the cosmic and summer

I was at the other corner
listening to the words of your
worry and wonder.

I must have loved you
like how I adore my paracosm,
like how I need a microcosm.

I look
past
your
own past,

and you
should look
past
my
own past.

Despite realizing that,

We
are
made
of our
own past.

Pengenalan itu satu
pengajaran
pemastautin dalam satu
perubahan
tanpa pengenalan
segalanya tak berpermulaan.

[Untukmu di Langkawi, 26 Jun 2018]

Beratus-ratus retakan kaca
tidakkan pernah imbang neraca
betapa berat hatiku menunggu
detik-detik tak berpenghujung
beribu-ribu detakan hati
takkan pernah akan ku lari

biar Bukowski dengan kebuntuan
biar Rimbaud dengan ketidaktentuan
akan hanya ada dirimu dalam
laci yang penuh dengan kepastian.

Berbatu-batu kau ke utara
begitulah rasa ini terawang-awang di udara.