****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****.
Oh, ****.
I'm ******.
Everything's gone to ****
I can't even think straight.
Why now?
I have mid-terms tomorrow
And I can't even think straight
I am alone, so alone
It's all ****** now
And I am so, so alone

Sometimes I find myself staring up at the sky 

When the sun is crawling behind the curve of the earth

And I wonder how anybody could ever believe there isn't a God


But then when I am huddled in a corner 

Crying until I cannot breath anymore, feeling so alone

I wonder where is my God

I do not know what to do anymore
I'm just existing in my life, not living it
What will happen to me if I keep doing this?
If I keep on this track, tomorrow will be two years passed

I have no chance
Of redeeming myself
So why even try
Why not just sink into the oblivion I am all too familiar with?

Into the abyss that is my mind
Slowly drifting further away from reality
And with it, hope
Then, once I sail off from this world mentally
I can physically

It is all a matter of time

How can one fully comprehend human emotion?
There is no way to detect whether we experience each affection the same
Or, in reality, if we perceive it in the same notion
Some feel more intensely; so they claim

But you can sight those people out of the crowd
The ones whose emotions are so far rooted, so in depth,
that they are filled with pain and are typically not loud
They sit in the shadows observing, all while trying to conserve their mind's breadth

Right there, did you hear it?
The moan of all the sorrows of the world
Do you hear the cries of despair?
Help, help them, that's all they ask for
Saving, that is all they need
And oh, how I wish I could liberate them all
For I know their screams
I have seen their pain
Because it echoes in my own head every night

I stopped taking the medicine because I want to return back to a place where I have the ability to take my life
Because even when I'm "doing fine"
I still would rather be dead

I can never make eye contact

You see the eyes are a portal to the soul 

And seeing someone’s soul can be freighting 

Especially when they don't want you to see it:

The light

The dark
The anger

The happiness 

The sadness

The life

The death

The longing

The emptiness 

The truth

I don't look into people's eyes 

Because their soul screams at me through those small apertures

Here I am waiting, wishing for this fog to lift

The light has been stolen from this visage

And day turns to eternal night as this world makes a shift
With the disappearance of hope and life in this image


And how I weep and how I sob at the thought of what awaits 

The deep, dark depths of all I've longed

Has now mend the wounds that throb
And uncovers the truth that has me wronged


Maybe the darkness will be the glue 

To hold me together, to give me false life

It is easier and kinder to myself to just give in to this wind that away blew

All my sorrows and worries that cut like a knife

As I drift in the middle of this body of water

This vast abyss reminds me of our time on the earth


The waves unpredictable 

Yet you can see them coming


The sun cool at first

But then grows hotter

These people that either give you hell or give you help


This storm of bad fortune

Makes the waves grow taller
And the people grow smaller


As they go away to their shelters to leave you at sea

Because when this place is at it's worse

That's when you are left alone 


That's when you must fight the wind and the waves all by yourself 

To get back to where you belong

I discovered this:
One cannot snap the cord between the heart and the mind
without losing their sanity
Because if the heart tries to correct the brain
Then the human will fail
And if the mind tries to correct the heart
The human will fall apart

Dead
That’s how I am
That’s how I live
That’s how I know
Of the people who roam this ground
Who feel the same as I
All you do is look in their eyes
Then you will surly see
The distance
The dimness
Set there
And you will now know
Of the people
Who roam this ground
Dead

Living lives two places wears my soul to thin.

It's getting to be too much; my eyes don't moisten anymore,

as I run from the monsters lurking in the floor
Of my beaten heart 

that's been ripped apart



All these voices inside my head 

Are enough to push me off the edge


And as the fiery sun slips over the curve
,
and rays of golden sunlight grow dimmer; I observe

:

The deep ocean of the night
Grow with no light


And the shadows come alive

bringing monsters as they dive


Into the window and through the door

Out of their hiding places returning nevermore


As I tremble, and I shake 

because I know I'm in their wake
Once again I dread this time

But I secretly enjoy their company
And that is my crime

I found a reason why I might be in so much pain:

I feel everything very, very deeply

Emotions, people, and places overwhelm my brain

Everyone else lays unconsciously in there bed
Peaceful or fearful all the same
While you sit in the floor staring at the walls and the ceiling
Wondering about everything and everyone and every every
3 o'clock in the morning is for those of us who need more time
Time to think
Time to take a break from reality
We live more life this way, intending to or not
And maybe that is why we die young
Maybe that is why we seem so much wiser than our age
But somehow it makes us the most alone people in the human race
Nobody to speak with but yourself
Nobody to console in but yourself
So we sit
And we sit
And we sit
Thinking
Pondering
And dreaming a life away while you exist in your own at sunrise

I lie through my teeth every time I go to her office
Every time I sit in the middle of that gray couch with pillows on top and blankets all around
I isolate, still, even in this place, from all warmth and company

At first I could not fool her from what I was feeling what I was planning
But now she believes me
All the lies that slip through my lips and into the small cozy room
I would be lying if I said I didn't look forward to our meetings
Of course how are you to trust me now that you know my secret

My therapist is the only person who I feel comfortable around, without guards
And even then I do not ask for help
Even then I do not tell the truth

You see all I am focused on now is destroying that thing in my life that is destroying me

Smash its head in and break its hands
Beat its brain until it can't stand

To burn, to make it break and bleed
To deprive it of food, water, and sleep

Destroy what destroys you

Too bad that thing is me

Do I believe there is love?
Of course
Yet it is hard to say that I have experienced such a thing
And in that it is just as hard to try and justify to anyone that there is, in fact, love

I do not know what is sadder: That I have not experienced love or the way I am responsive to it

I know who I am supposed to love
But it is no love that I can tell

But this is the truth:
I know of hate
Hatred I believe in
Hatred I am all too familiar with

I suppose I could be so enveloped in my own self-hatred
Comparing all other things to me that I love almost anything and anyone

So from my conclusions I extract this:
Because I participate in the deepest and most strewn out of hate
I know that it exists
Therefore, love, comparative to my involvement in hate, can only lead me to an assumption:

If hatred exists, then so must love

It's so bad again
It's getting so bad again
I can guess but I can't see
I am so fearful of what is to come
But I can't tell a soul, no, I can't tell a soul

Why can't I?!?
I deserve that, just like everybody else
Don't I ?
Do I not?
Maybe I don't

Of course you don't look at yourself, look at the life you have lived

You go through the motions
You laugh at people's jokes
You exchange a smile when needed
Hell, you might even feel a connection to someone
But you can't ever get close
That's the Golden Rule

You can listen to all they say and comfort them
But you, yourself, cannot be comforted
You've learnt the lesson and played the game
To make such rash decisions
Others first, never yourself

You are forever with accompanying, making you completely alone
You are a friend to all, making you the friend to none

It's all coming down again
The walls that I had started to build have fallen
And I am left with nothing but utter contentment as I gaze across the rubble
I study the wreckage and discover it is not similar to the past
There were no people involved nor consequences amongst the debris

This time the loss was internal
This time it will be kept quiet
And this time it will meld to the depths of my heart and soul to create the person I will become

And I will rebuild again and again,
Constructing new walls to form new cities that either will be torn down or built up

Sitting
Waiting
Watching
The walls melt around me and I am left in its puddle of creamed colors
The floor is weak beneath me and it moans with threatening cries
This room I've built is falling apart
The only shelter around for miles is quickly being reduced to rubble
And all I can do is sit there
Waiting
Watching
For it crumble down once more

Doing better and getting better are two different things

I can't even write anymore
They took away my brilliance and wit
All imagination that swept me away from this earth
With the prescriptions and tossing of heads to begin and end a day
The days not exceeding any sort of progress or regression
Idle
Stationary
And never moving
They said they would rid me of the thoughts
I did not know they meant all thoughts
Shallow
Flat
Numb
Until I have a moment of clearness
When I know I never would have wanted it the way it was now
But, instead
I can't even write anymore