If I have ever told you
"Ily" or "love ya"
Then you probably mean alot to me
Its one of the hardest things for me to say
Even when its meant casually
Because Ive been rejected so often
That Im kinda terrified to be rejected again

Creak
She froze in fear as
The floor boards beneath her feet threatened to crack
Her eyes darted from left to right
Looking to see if he was near
Before walking down the passage

She was extremely light on her feet
As though throughout her life she had nothing to eat
Her protruding ribcages confirm that
For someone who was shaking with fear
For someone who was malnurished
She seemed to be doing alright

Step
Creak
Freeze

Step
Creak
Freeze

She could see the door
The reflection of the door handle shined towards her
The light seeping through gave her too too much hope too soon

She began to sneak faster without freezing
When all of a sudden
She feels an ice cold breath on her shoulder
She froze
And that would be the last time she could freeze again

Im dying
Emotionally and physically
I dont think I want to live in a world without her
Shes my bestfriend
I remember sitting in her kitchen for hours just listening to her life
She would tell me of black and white tvs, ehen you had to scrub floors on your knees
She taught me that hard work is worth it
If she leaves
Ill miss her hugs
Her talks
Going to her house regularly
Her "i love yous"
Her baking
Ill even miss the thick fog of smoke that clung to the walls slowly turning her own home into a haunted home.

I can feel it in my chest

When I see her face
When I hear her name

If her face was mine
And my body was fine

Would you pull me up when I sink below the two metre diving line?

You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around

I still worry about how I look 24/7
I still feel like crying everytime Im in large crowds
I still choke up when I have something to say
I still need to speak up
Because you could'nt hear my voice from one foot away

But Im getting better
Its hard but Im getting there

My random out burst of anger arent helping though but thats barely under my control

So dont taunt me
Dont make "oOoOo" noises after I've gotten mad
Its not my fault
And if you dont understand then maybe you should stop making me feel like ****

But Ive gotten better
Suicidal thoughts are a thing of the past
And Im so glad they didnt last

Ive gotten better
I can control my tears now
I can control the way I act most times

And I guess its for the best
That I just forget about the rest

Headaches
Come in all
Shapes
Sizes
Forms

Headaches
Come and
Go

They are tempory

Your pain
Is tempory too

The key to happiness:

Healthy eating
Getting enough sleep
Having supportive friends
Having kind friends
Having something to challenge you
But not something that will
Stress you out

At the end of the day
If you have all these things
But are still unhappy
Then it may be time for a change

When the sun rolls her eyes
A soft whisper reminds him
You’re home free once you lay inside

Barbed wires and lilac thieves
He's cloaked from head to toe
The Promised Land saws at his knees

Raising her head, she cries
Only not for stars or dreams
But to fill as though she is ten, not five

It’s the destination, not the journey they say
Preaching as though you don’t have soil to stay

Listening into the black and white picture screen
Ripples draped in red
They are not called she, he, only thing

Stripped of
Care
Consideration
Left less than animals

Tell me again why you believe this man covered in cloth
Is any less than the man who hides behind a rock

You ask:
Whats wrong
Are you okay
Tell me

As though you're actually interested in my emotions
So I tell you but only to realise that once you've heard you want to hear

You
Switch
Off

Leaving me feel exposed and judged
I just told you something very personal to me yet you don't say anything?

You don't care about my feelings
You just want to
Know
Know everything that goes on

Because by nature you're a hopeless gossip
You don't even have to act

That's why I can't trust you one bit
And neither should anyone else

All I need is someone to lean on
Im sorry if that drags you down
Maybe you could lift me up
Well if your strong enough
We could even take turns
I just want to know someone cares
It may be annoying
But ive been told im worthless my whole life

Im just scared
That one day
You really wont care
You will realise im worthless
And leave
Just like everyone else did

It’s been two months
Two months
Since I
Heard your screams
Wiped your tears
Held you close
Two months
Since I gave you
Up

You begged
You pleaded
I had no choice
She’s your mother
I’m sorry

I've cried more this week than I usually do in a year

Need to harden up

I try to grab your attention
But you just shrug and turn away
I try to smile at you
Be a **** to you
But you don't seem to care
Just stuck in a world of fear

Im scared
So ******* scared
That you're not okay
That you say you're fine
Simply to keep me away

I don't understand
If something's wrong
Then talk about it
Or draw about
Just please, please don't bottle it up

Its weird to say
but I love you in a mate kind of way
If anything were to happen to you-





I don't know what I'd do.

Breathe like the sea
Whisper like the trees
Dance like the wind
And let your journey begin

I see the way you look past me
Through me
Over me
And around me

As though I don't exsist

But thats typical
Of course I don't exsist
The only girls that catch your attention are the ones that catch your eye

Im not pretty
I get that
But sometimes I just wish that I was

"Noone cares unless your pretty or dying"
Well even then, people turn away from the dying.
Even then, pretty people are abused, used and thrown away.

The truth is
That noone cares unless theres something in it for them.

Life isn't about finding yourself
Its about creating yourself

Maybe
Just maybe
If I looked better
Maybe life would be easier?

a crowd of seagulls
they orbit our head
not waiting to be freed
only waiting to be fed
they aren't fed
shine isn't food

a crowd of people
they orbit our world
not waiting to be fed
only waiting to be freed
they aren't freed
shine isn't wealth

I can be painted
I can be decorated
I can be destroyed
Or I can be taken down
Piece by piece

You can try to get over me
But you'll never be able to walk through me
You can talk but I wont listen
You can ask but I wont answer

I can look nice
I can look plain
I can look destroyed
I can look like nothing but a pile of bricks

It just depends on how you treat me

I know what its like to almost die
To think you're going to die

Its not scary

It just makes you feel numb
Like the type of numb when you've had the ice pack on for a tad too long
Or when you sleep on your arm

I think what made me most afraid was the constant reminder

Rise and fall
I would breathe in and out
Hearing myself slowly die young

That was what frightened the **** out of me.

I love you
I can feel that you don't feel the same
The same way you can feel someone is watching
How can you convince me?
You simply can't
You could love me more than spring loves  bloom
And I'd still be looking for hints that it's still winter

Purpose
We all have one I suppose
What are you here for?
Love? Madness? Money? Sadness?

Well Im here for the adventure
No, not jumping off cliffs
But to live each day not knowing what will come next
To improve, to upgrade
I feel as though Im also here to help, to heal but also to break and destroy
Because sometimes we are the lesson
To someone elses journey

We all have a purpose
Its just up to you to make it

When you smile at me its like you've shot me but with medicene instead of a bullet

Drama
Chaos

Raised with it
Raised for it

I want to be kind
I want to have a sweet mind

But forever I will always be what my parents raised me to be

Im an artist that specialises in masks
I can make you see only what I want you to see

My masks vary in shapes and sizes
Tough
Sharp
Happy
Smiling
Doing fine
Doing great
To block you out
To let you in

I control how people see me
Thats unless they know how to take off the mask

I guess all you can do is hope for the best

Have you ever seen a diamond?
Its cut and rough
Imperfect
Yet still as beautiful as ever
Just remember that

I know its weird
Like I should've gotten over it months ago

But I think Im still in love with you

No, I wont do anything about it
No, I wont say anything about it
But I will always care
And I will always be here

Another one
Another person dying
Another story
Another smile
Another tale
I dont know if I can cope
I feel as though Im not even drowning anymore
More like allergic to oxygen.

Preparing dinner
Tying a knot
Swallowing medicine
Running a bath
Driving a car

Tools to live with
Tools to take life with
I want to block out the difference

You
Me
Everyone else
We're always changing
Evolving
Learning
And growing

But forcing a change is different
Forcing a change can be great or cruel
Because what is natural
Shouldnt be tested.

I feel ugly
I feel horrible
Im honestly such a mean person without ever wanting to be
I want to smile
I want to be kind
But honestly Im breaking inside
I honestly want to fling myself off a bridge
At least then Id stop hurting people
At least then I could join my nana and grand dad

But I couldnt and wouldnt
It would hurt too many people

So I guess I just have to continue waiting until my lungs take me
Which shouldnt be too long v.v

Feeling completely and utterly drained

This world is like a beautiful nightmare
There are flowers that bite
Kittens that swipe
The prettiest things can be the deadliest
I guess thats the same with love

I want people to look at me
And see someone strong

See someone funny
Beautiful
Graceful
Radiant
Happy
Loving

Instead I dont know how Im seen but I know at least they dont see someone beautiful.

Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******

You know what hurts me?
So ******* much?

Is that the last time we properly talked
It was about my lungs
About how Im scared of young death

I trusted you enough to tell you
I trusted you enough to let it out

But not once.
Not once did you ask me how I was doing
Not once did you check up on me

And it hurts
It hurts
So much

That I could've died and it wouldnt have effected you at all.