I was advised by many women in their 30s
that I might always love you.
That I'd have to learn to ignore it and suppress it.
Well, I am.
I've been doing well.
When I think of you,
I think of what you did to hurt me.
But there are moments like just now,
when I saw the picture of you from the night we met,
where I can't help but feel.
Now the memories are flooding back again.
It's been about six months since you left,
and you're moving on.
I'm trying.
It's working, slowly and painfully, but I'm trying.

"We're trying so ******* hard
not to be a couple.
Not to act
like we want each other more than anything.
But holy ****,
it's like trying to forget how to breathe.
How can you just stop doing something
so natural that you never even learned to do it,
something just happened on its own?
How can you stop something
that feels so ******* right
and calming
and healthy
and try to find alternatives?
Ways to complete life
without doing the action
you're trying so hard not to do?
Pretending not to love him feels like
being on a respirator.
I just want to breathe again,
I just want to breathe naturally;
I just want to be his again,
I just want to be us again."

I didn't think about you very much at all today.
But I just heard the door open,
and for a solid five seconds,
I legitimately thought you came back.

There are people you've never met
who remind me of you
and that means I'm thinking about you
and chances are
you're not thinking about me

I often find my self worth fading.
I mean less and less every day.
Everyone around me seems to be so lovely,
All of the people I talk to,
The strangers on the street.
But as I sit here and wonder how to start conversation,
My mind floats away,
Mercilessly taunting me,
Just out of reach.

I feel as though I once meant more to you than I ever will again.

I feel as though I once meant more to everyone than I do now.

I often find my self worth fading.

My dresser drawer still smells like you.
That's why I always keep it closed.
I do not remember what you smell like,
I also don't remember what the hell is in that drawer.
That's close to meaningless considering
I somehow still remember your birthday,
and your middle name,
and the way you like your noodles cooked.
I hate that I have such a great memory
and I love when I forget,
because I worry you forget that I existed.
Like a bad dream you once had,
you've grown out of it.
I've grown out of you,
and maybe I've grown out of the shirt of yours
still sitting in that drawer.
I guess I do remember what's in that drawer.
I hate that I remember,
but love that I forgot
the way you smell,
because smelling is tasting,
and I could not bear to taste you once again.
The aftertaste of regret still lingers
when I hear her name.
I wonder if she tastes like me.
Like me,
the me I couldn't be.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that this isn’t the end
but as I pour my heart into this text I can’t bring myself to hit send,
the suffering of unsaid words shivers in my spine
and I’m left to lay in my bed and think of simpler times
when I could safely say you were mine and we were happy.
I wanted us to be happy but we were both struggling and still are,
in the same ways but differently.
It’s difficult to comprehend but
we both fight just to get out of bed and I can’t help but wonder
if we shared one instead of FaceTimed when we fell asleep,
it’d somehow be easier.
Or maybe we’d still be in this place,
only afraid to leave the house in fear we’d see each other’s face.
Instead I hear your name called when you’re nowhere to be seen
and am left with the reminders of what could have been.
You say I’m still yours and only need time to get your life in line
so I can safely call you mine
but there is no safety in silence when there are words left unsaid.
I wish I could reach through my speaker when you call
and say you’re feeling low, rip the weights from your chest
so we can let our worries go but I can’t and I’d still suffer.
Silently.
Secretly.
I keep saying this is fine but the words come out a lie
as I lay in my unwashed sheets and cry until I can’t breathe.
They burn my throat as I smoke another cigarette thinking
maybe if I smoke another something else can take my breath away
but when I fell for you
I found myself struggling to get the air into my tired lungs.
I already struggled to breathe from the bad habits and lack of sleep
but you changed the feeling in such a way
I convinced myself I was happy.
And you made me happy.
Blissful, content, I wanted to hold you
and realized life doesn’t have to end on a bad note,
but it came crashing back when the sun went down
and you started saying less when we’d call.
I know you never meant to hurt me,
it’s just the stresses from your head pounding relentlessly
until it bruised your heart too,
making it weary and unready for the love I tried to give.
I know I gave too much and there were limitations I tried to ignore
because I am the fool I am and still believe love is enough
but reality has finally set in that there are things we can’t control
that can make it so impossible to love from this far.
I want to better myself and my spending habits
so I can finally sleep in your bed,
but wants are different from possibilities and
until I know what’s going on
when I suddenly lose my sense of direction
and all hope of tomorrow
I don’t want you to have to try pulling me back into reality
when you aren’t so sure of what it is yourself.
So when you fall asleep tonight know you’re on my mind, too,
and I could never bring myself to hate you.
Know I hate the places we’re in and
the emptiness we feel even when others try
so desperately to fill those voids,
and the fact that love truly can’t stop it from devouring our minds.
I love you endlessly and I will never give up on that thought,
as you have shown me what I deserve,
and it’s not that it isn’t enough,
it’s just too far out of reach for me to accept.
You are the reason I get out of bed when I finally do
because despite the circumstances
I still want to believe that this isn’t the end.
That things could turn around tomorrow
and we will be happy
and not so scared
of giving each other
everything
without worry of our hearts
and our heads.

The moment you walked into the room,
tousled hair, guitar case in hand,
I knew I had to talk to you.
Your forest eyes were tired but you tried so hard to seem interesting,
and I was determined
to find my way through those emerald pines
so tightly sequestered in your iris to
your mind.
Everything was lighthearted until the drive home.
You told me we should definitely talk or hang again soon.
Keeping in mind that it was me you were talking to,
I chuckled awkwardly and waved it off.
"It's more something you'll have to follow up on.
"It doesn't matter how many times I ask to go places,
"See people,
"Everyone forgets about me.
"It's okay though. I'll see you around."

Obviously, I'm not good at first impressions.

I saw you around, here and there,
when suddenly, we lost a mutual friend.
I'd been crushing on your irish charm for some time now.
You were nearing the end of a relationship.
The most ****** up thing,
is the fact that
I knew
that I loved you
when
you walked into the room
holding her hand.

It's ironic- and kind of unnerving-
that three weeks later,
you were taking me on our first date.
Despite the location--
Country Christmas, Pewaukee, WI--
the color that was most vibrant was the look in your eyes
when you leaned in to kiss me.

Those forest eyes are the ones I was screaming to
seven months later.
Almost to date.
The ones I was begging for answers from,
on my knees in front of one of the many Wisconsin forests,
alone.
Tears stung my eyes as I hit the ground.
Your name tore at my throat as I looked at the trees
and saw nothing but your eyes.

I was tempted to run into the forest.
I was tempted to see if it would lead me back to you,
if I could finally get through the brush and find your smile again.

I wonder if I'll see it again.
I wonder if I'll kiss you again.

All I knew from the moment you walked into the room,
tousled hair, guitar case in hand,
was you were going to be a part of my life, forever.

I was just hoping you'd be my forever.

my body begs for forgiveness.
a break, a chance to run away
from this constant pain.
i'm exhausted.
maybe it's better off this way.
who knows who's looking for me.
who knows what they'll find,
i've been lost inside myself for years,
so they need to watch their strides.

I'm trying to muster up the words to say to you,
the words that could make or break everything we've built.
The words are fighting to cross my lips.
Two years we've been in this cycle,
falling in and out of one another.
A connection that has refused to die,
surviving one another's heartaches like an old friend.
It never mattered how long it was between conversations.
We always picked up right where we left,
only each time,
a little bit older.
This time though, I fell
a little bit deeper.
I can feel your sigh through the speaker of my phone,
feel your lips part as you struggle for words.
I try to keep my eyes dry as my nerves raise,
breaths deepen.
My lips are dry.
Confessions like this are meant to be personal;
confessions like this are meant to be said face to face.
Massapequa and Mukwonago do not face each other.
They don't so much as touch,
which is what makes this so tough.
Your stunning brown eyes that smile more than your lips aren't what stares back at me when I look at your name on my screen.
Only the text.
Only the arial font, black against the blue speech bubbles.
To know what it would feel like to say these words to your face would be
knowing how to make this work.
But time and money are not on our side.

When you told me you loved me,
you told me it was different.
You told me you tell everyone you love them but it's empty.
I asked how I was different,
and all you told me is the first thought you'd have should
we ever meet
would be to kiss me.
You told me the first thing you'd do
would be to ensure we were connected more than ever:
lips
to
**lips.

I dropped out of college one month in.

I quit two jobs over text.

I only retrieved half of my belongings after moving out of my parents house.

My library card was cancelled because I never returned the DVD I rented, because I never watched it.

My exes all still have at least two articles of my clothing because I told them I'd come get them. I intended to. I just never got around to it.

I started to write a suicide note.
I just never knew how to
end
it.

there are times i still feel your fingertips grazing my cheek from when you stared at me as we procrastinated our goodbye.
i feel as though when your touch finally forfeited and you left that day, some sort of bond was made.
some invisible string tied us together at the wrists, and on the days we don’t speak my fingers go numb.
i tap them and beg for my senses to wake on the tables and counters i pass, in a rhythm that matches no other beat but your heart.
i wonder if you lose feeling at the thought of me.

57 minutes.
It’ll be your birthday
in fifty-seven minutes.
I’m sitting in my bed, in the pitch black,
remembering your laugh that is still
so fresh in my brain.
If one could look inside my head,
they, too, would be in awe that you
have already been gone
over three months.

19 years.
You were almost
Nineteen years old.
Things still feel surreal,
as though you’re
to come home momentarily,
laughing alongside us
at how much we worried.
No.
I know you can’t,
no matter how much I wish it were so.

104 days.
I heard you had died
One hundred four days ago.
I was in the girls’ bathroom at school,
and was told you had passed.
I hit the floor so hard,
I bruised my knees.
I was hysterical,
yet pulled myself together
and went to class.
My teacher kicked me out of her room that day,
she said I was causing a distraction
because I was crying so hard.
I left without a word.
She found out the next hour.
She cried, too.

0.
Zero minutes, zero hours, zero days,
months, years, decades,
zero is your magic number;
you are never coming back.
I think about you every day.
I wonder how it got this way.
I wonder what the universe thought
that made it decide
it was time for you to go.
I try not to dwell,
but still see your face.
Whether I’m in Walmart,
the mall,
or even in school,
I still see your face.
Zero percent of the time, it’s you.

you cried last night.
i promised you that everything would be fine.
you looked at me with tears in your eyes
and assured me that everything was alright.
but i saw the pain you were struggling to hide
and watched your mask disappear from sight
as you told me,
"i've never wanted to kiss someone
and wanted to run away from them
at the
same time."

I see your tears in puddles,
I see your eyes in trees,
I hear your voice in the wind,
You follow me everywhere I go.
Although I feel a little lonely when you're not by my side,
I know you're always with me.
Just because I feel a little lonely doesn't mean I feel alone.

I've been losing sleep these last few nights.
Usually this would upset me,
but as I lie here awake
with you on my mind,
warming my heart,
I can't help but wish
you were instead in my bed,
warming my body as well.
I have only smoked one cigarette in the last week.
I started to realize
that you're much more addictive.
It seems nicotine is no match for love.
I've been struggling to be happy
for some time now.
But as I look back over the years,
it's becoming clear I've always been
the happiest when you were there.
While the echo of your voice through
my speakers never fails to make me melt,
I know it'll never rival the day we
fall asleep in one another's arms.
So until it happens,
I hope we can make up for it.
Every moment we've missed.
Every moment we could have kissed.
Until then, I'll lie awake.
Losing sleep again,
for the best
and worst
reasons.

December air is rather thin, chilling.
Usually, as am I around this time of year.
Somehow between endless car rides or sitting in parking lots,
something about you keeps me warm.
A promise never really meant as much
as it did when it slipped over your lips,
a hug never made me feel so protected.
You have pulled me out of this snow.
Not only this, but you have given me a hiding place.
A haven.
The thick scent of cigarettes fills the gaps
between our words,
alongside a form of comfort and communication
I never thought I'd have again.
It drifts through the air like a summer breeze,
making itself known in presence.
Making itself welcome.
For once in my life, I am not afraid of the snow.
For once in my life, I do not dread the kiss of frost
which greets me when I walk through the door.
For once in my life, I'm safe.
I have fears that you will not stay.
I don't want you to push me away.
I want to give you a reason to get up come morn,
aside from repetitive routines of
work,
eat,
sleep,
I do not want to be a routine.

Dwell
In my basement dwells the memories of you and I,
musty like your scent on late March nights,
cold like the night we first kissed.
But the emptiness is reminiscent to that of a cave.
The deeper I enter into my basement,
the more alone I realize I now am;
The more often I stop to admire my surroundings,
the more danger I feel knowing
I have nothing to help me get out
if everything around me
fell apart again.

When your hands leave mine in the late hours of the night,
I feel your touch, the scar on your palm, imprinting itself to mine,
My hands shake with the lust to hold yours.
When you leave my side,
My bundle of blankets,
The cold that fills your place
Never seemed so chilling until now.
When you stand ten feet from me,
Grinning like a fool,
I do not realize
That I am returning this gesture,
With rosy cheeks and a thudding heart
Thudding so hard I begin to wonder
If I've a medical issue I need to address with my doctor
Lovesick is a term I've only connected to heartbreak
But I feel my blood run smoother,
My breaths quicken,
My hands shake.
I do not know if it is your gaze sending chills down my spine,
Or your breath on my neck,
But all I can confirm is
You have an affect on me.
You're infecting me with a drug and my addiction is growing.
Need not worry, I've healthy addictions,
Despite the contradictions,
And you, my dear, are one.

your fan sounds like rain on a window pane through the speaker on my phone as you’ve fallen asleep on video call for what could be the hundredth time, i’ve lost count of how many nights we’ve done this
since we were 16, we have done this, year after year
the sound does not bother me though, and i do not hang up
instead, i pretend you’re beside me as i listen to your breathing
it is steady, rhythmic
it seems that everything you do, you do beautifully, it’s so hard not to stare
you make music when you speak, a pattern in your syllables imprinting on my brain
you see, you make music for a living, but my favorite songs are the way you run your fingers through your hair instead of brushing it
the way your brows furrow when reading an email
how every time you put on a hat, it’s tilted slightly to your left
the fact that each time we kiss, you always peck my lips after and smile a toothy grin
when you laugh and your eyes crinkle up at the corners
your attention to detail, color coordination, aesthetics
how you always make sure to remind everyone you talk they should drink more water,
i love falling asleep listening to you
i listen to the music you make when you aren’t even trying

Lying in bed only makes me long to remember the feeling of having someone's arms around me. It only makes me long for it to happen. But it doesn't.
I work part time and start my senior year in a week and I'm ****** on sleep because I refuse to, or I'm never tired at night.
I always sit up in bed.
I always sit up in bed.
Maybe I never lie down because I expect arms around me, but am instead met with a bare pillow.
I should probably change the pillow case.
My makeup smeared on it when I cried.
I know I'm not alone, but I still feel so lonely.
I know I'm not alone but something in me says I will be.
I haven't gotten up today other than to get my paycheck. I contemplated buying myself some clothes. It makes me a little happier.
Instead I crawled into bed and took a nap because at least in my dreams, I forget the loneliness.

As I’m looking at you my heart is beating at a rate I can’t justify
I’m dreaming of a day where you’re here and I can call you mine
Where I can trace the tattoos on your arms and kiss the spot between your eyes
Where I can hold you through the night and lose track of the time

the wind is howling, untamed aggression singing tirelessly.
distance is relentless.
it begs and screams to be acknowledged, until the day it is pardoned and we meet.
the howling ceases.
all at once it is calm, the now softened breeze humming sweetly its truest intentions.
your fingertips graze my face as gently as a sunrise, i can hear the morning doves as you whisper my name. the light you emit convinces me that all this dark was only temporary.
but as your journey back to new york ensues and i can do nothing but watch you disappear, the world around me dims. the sun sets, and i am once more met with the wind.
your scent haunts my pillows like a ghost. it caresses my face when i do my best to rest, it comes out of seemingly nowhere and i am met with thoughts of yesterday.
all at once the winds are roaring again, beckoning the inevitable world of darkness i had momentarily forgotten.
i am swallowed in their turmoil, straining my eyes for the comfort of your light.
but the sun is no longer in my sights.
this wind continues to howl, still as angry as can be, and i beg that i might stumble into the sun again. i cling to the shirts you left as though your body remains inside.
i cling to the memories of day, and when you were mine.

And i can tell that i don’t cross your mind
When you’re the only thing that stays on mine,
But it’s fine, i’ll be alright, survive,
I know that it’s just how things have to be from time to time

I don’t want to cry. Please believe me, I’m trying
I can’t get emotions across without constantly whining
I don’t want to scare you.
I need to be near you.
You’re like oxygen, you see,
I can’t breathe without you next to me,
But now you’re gone.
This all feels so wrong.
Just last week i woke beside you,
Now this bed is empty and I can’t forget your smile.

I miss the way that you’d hold me.
I miss the way that you kiss my forehead,
And my nose.
and tickle my sides, but
Now my heartstrings are tackling blows.
I don’t know.
Maybe you really don’t need me
And what you need is for me to leave you alone.
But i dont want to go.
You gave me a home.
I was lost for so long,
Found myself in your arms--
Now i know it’s where i belong.
Even though you’re fighting the pain inside,
From the girl that broke your heart, and plagues your mind
And made you want to die

Please don’t cry
If this isn’t what you need
Believe me
I understand, i just want you to be happy.

I’ll never forget you.
I’ll always be grateful for you.
But if this is the way things have to be,
Then i guess I’ll be fine.
It’s alright.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life
And until next time,
Know you that always have a place in my heart
And in my mind
And I love you.
But goodbye,
My aurora.

I used to love being alone
but now I'm starting to confuse it with loneliness.
I used to love having space
but now I'm lost in the atmosphere.
I keep eating cause I should,
but I still feel ******* empty.

To be completely honest,
I've lost track of time since the moment you left.
At 7:34 I thought it was 8:00.
I thought today was the 20th.
You left four days ago and it feels
Like four minutes.

I drove past the first place you kissed me
And I couldn't tell if my heart
skipped a beat
because of the thought of your lips,or if it
skipped a beat
because you haven't called me in weeks.