The words won't spill,
Even though I'm overflowing
Mounting pressure with no reprieve
So many things that need to come out
But instead they fill me until I can't speak

Twenty years and the birth of sound
Laid your name to rest
Forgotten and forlorn,
An artifact of years past

Supernova collapsed into itself,
Swallowing time and temperament
Perpetuating the past in an
Isolated pull of gravity

Your fame is facade
Consuming, convincing
An actress in her greatest role yet
Maintaining character until the day
You’re taken away

Everybody has somebody
And I have nobody
Welcome to twenty -
It’s awfully lonely.
“Friends first” has fallen
To lovers, and Friday
nights are spent working,
wondering, and wrestling
Self-doubt and pity.
Welcome to twenty -
It’s especially ******.

I’m bigger, but better
In all senses of the word
My old clothes,
Tight, taut, too tiny,
Abandoned for I have
Outgrown them

I’ve climbed the wall
Been up high,
Basked in twinkling lights
Told the past goodbye
Trapped in a corner
For so long, a passive
Doormat for you to come
And stomp your shoes on
In hopes that one day
It’d be me who once more
Swept you off your feet but
I have risen, I have seen
That life goes on, that
I could grow and change
And yes, my darling, it’s true --
I no longer desire
To be married to you.
Go and turn around now:
The door is open --
I’m telling you goodbye.

It was I who dealt our hand
Not fate, as you would have it
You didn’t fix me in this chair
I sit resigned to sulk and stare
Sister, sister, won’t you listen?
Close your eyes with open ears
Please let go of these falsified fears
All this time and it was I,
Please now, listen, don’t you cry,
I was driving on that night,
Foot on gas and headlights bright,
I slammed into the metal gate
It was you who quickly ran away
Pinned for crime as I’d pinned my legs
Sister, darling, I’ve held regret
But now I’ve spoken, breathing yet
Our sorrows drowned in the ocean waves
You smile and dance as my story ends, asking
“All this time, we could have been friends?”

I know not which place is worse
Calamitous inundations of
Unrelenting grief —
Or the frigid chill of
Empty apathy in its wake:
Icy, salty stalagmites
Where tears used to be

I’ve always been drawn
To the artists,
The new greats,
The aesthetes,
The painters,
The writers and the
Ones who dress
Like they’re out of
A low budget
Film from the 90s -
Chic, noir, vintage,
And just so strikingly
Unique. But I am not
Like them, and they
Do not like me - I
Am weird and aloof,
Sloppy and silly,
Withdrawn and witty,
Sporadic in art and
Thought. A nomad
Of culture and crowds,
Too deviant for them:
Au revoir.

Little girl with wide blue eyes
Dreams as boundless as the skies
Surrounded by dust and dead ends
Waltzing in a land of make pretend

Freckled, fervent and coy
Twirling past the neighbor boys
When she moves, she slips away
Lost in a smile and a happy place

Left to wander the desert dry
Alone and forgotten no matter what she tries
Looking for affection in an empty well
Fading echoes of forgotten church bells

With her reveries she swiftly dropped
A leap of faith and the whole world stopped
Warm blood and dampened grass,
A mangled foot and a binding cast

In dark days she prayed for help
Wanting to step and perform
Not ready to give up her last chance
To take the stage by way of dance

Ten years later, she's swaying
and twice as stunning as before
Sculpted cheekbones and brooding eyes
Grabbing audiences by surprise

She's reborn a star of the movies,
With a new name and tiny waist
Pretty young flapper with a striking face
The little girl has finally found her place

My heart is ripping
Thin-skinned, hot flesh
Echo chamber shaking
With an isolated wail

Blurry vision stumbling
Over bodies and buildings
It’s all the same;
I testify to all

Relent, repent
Breathe -- beat -- bruise
Boxed, stop. You’re in control--
Regress, repeat
Hurt -- maim -- abuse
A wheeze, help. One silent cry

Exercise and
Exorcise but all the noises’
The same, stubborn stones
Wrecking back and forth
Fist hammers pounding your brain

baby bottled blonde
Do you think of me at night?
As you drift into slumber
Soft — alight —

Baby bottled blonde
Your radiance transcends
O’er three thousand miles
I’d sweep you in my arms
To your soul I would tend

Baby bottled blonde
How I’d caress your appled cheeks
Kiss you in the moonlight
My tender heart — it leaks

Baby bottled blonde
It is you and you alone
My desires, selfish —
How do I atone?

-

I hate to be selfish
But I feel you should be mine
All this dodgy playtalk
When together, we could be divine?

Le nuvole mi abbracciano,
E potrei morire nel uno momento così
Dove la sola cosa che possa trovare
è la bella tocca di tranquillità

Blinded by the ring
Of a gunshot, deafening
Silence swamps her life.

What’s your prized possession?
How do you measure your worth?
Diamonds dripping from your fingers,
Or perhaps a crown of gilded spoons --
Do you adorn yourself with petals
Or proudly dress in thorns?

Dying dreams exchanged for
Fairy dust and a doting Daddy,
Dollars, drive-bys, euphoric highs:
Glassy eyes and a hazy mind
Just hellos - no goodbyes

No lies of stardom and
Starving on the street for a
Script or a role that never *******
Followed through, none of that,
No work, only play.

Days wasted are over
And sitting pretty is easy
When there’s coke and
Crime and corruption
But you’re still the rose

Growing in the play-pen,
It’s lonely when they go
The house is all to know,
Porcelain doll with her
Nose so white: do you ever
dream of flight?

Tired, ironic and
Flatly stating
Jests about
Cyanide, suicide,
Joining laughter
To subside and
Normalize pain
Or rather,
Try to --
The joke’s on them
I still want to die

Give me
black or white
All or none
Ten or zero
Misery or fun
Two stark divides
Are where i hide
No shades between
No grey
Or chrome
**** the blurs and the
Unknown-- label me
silly
Brand me, defined
Legitimate, warranted
A definite side

Two camps, divided;
On which one will I stay?
Little did I know
The road I took
Would **** me someday

She’s soft and smells like rose petals
Yet she scratches and scrubs
At blood red skin even though
It’s been washed a million times before
Tired eyes meet their match
In the silvery visage of their oldest friend

Crimson lips part, then furl
At the reflection who’s no longer a youthful girl
Auburn hair tumbling out of place,
Aging actress falling far from grace,
One clenched fist in a lace white glove
Eyelids dripping as she screams above

I am no girl
Nor boy, nor child
To squeeze my being
Into labels
Is not my style

It’s hard to breathe through
choppy waters when your
head bounces like a hopeless buoy

if only you could sink and drown instead
of being anchored to this
miserable, isolated purgatory

In a black sea
Of mourning bodies
I stand quietly in
Pale chiffon. My
Heart is dark and
Lonely, cloaked in
Sorrow as I bid thee
Time goodbye

For years I’ve seen
You suffer, lose your
Life and luster with
Each passing breath,
Our love was once
A blooming garden,
Bright and lovely
Before it succumbed to death

I retraced the hieroglyphs with frenetic precision
running my fingers along each
ridge and valley with
unbridled vigor, desperate to be heard for
words had abandoned me.
soft, glowing red --
the essence of life
playing god
in my hands.
The story, unfinished --
i hope it never ends.

Struggling not to suffocate
In the tight cellophane tent
That encases my mattress,
Gasping, reaching out but
Hand can’t break the barrier

I’m surrounded by cheap
Reflections of myself, this
Bed is their shrine -- i pay
Homage to the demons
By listening to each one
And giving them a piece
Of my mind

There’s a world out there
That i don't know, outside
This drear and bleary *****
Room that keeps me captive

Pull me into your lips
Like a cigarette,
Inhale my smoky spirals
Harsh and ashy on your
******* lungs and
Let me sit there for a while,
Charcoal fire and nicotine
Poison, I’m killing you slowly
But you want it

Golly, goodness,
My oh my!
You can’t leave yet--
It’s barely time!
What do you mean
You’re to be married?
How scary, oh --
Say, where are you going?
Don’t run away!
Look here, my darling
I cannot tell a lie
I’ve a baby in my bedroom
And he’s not a little guy!
Oh, god, he’s drawing near
Come quickly -- or else
I might become a leopard's feast!
Ah, yes-- one moment --
There you are! But
Don’t be angry, dear,
I needed you to
Drop on by. Let us go
Now, off to auntie’s
In the quiet countryside!
You might be late,
But I’ll be sure you arrive
Oh -- goodness, me oh my
We’re filthy animals, silly
So take this towel and
Rinse on off! -- Oh?
What’s that?
You need your clothes?
Oh dear, I sent them off to town
To be ironed and cleaned
Sit pretty in my robe and--
Oh! Dear oh me,
Here comes auntie!
We must hide baby
But he’s run away
Where oh where,
My oh my --
Now we’re in jail
What am I ever to say?
You see, I messed it up
Your plans, your night,
I dragged you here
To help because
I quite like -- love you!
Oh, what have I said?
What a fool am I,
I’m sorry for the mess
Sniffle, hm? Oh-yes?
You’ve something to say?
Oh tell me now, do confess
Y-you love me too?
Oh darling, this is too good
For it all to be true!
Let’s have another day of fun
But I promise, this time,
We won’t go on a wild chase!

I’m two parts a ****** up mess
And one part bitterness,
Shake me up and let me settle
In the pit of your empty stomach
(but i’ll probably make you ******* sick)

Soft and gooey, or
Hard and **** --
This delicacy owns my heart

Is it acting
or adapting?
smiling for the show
of customers:
bright, dapper,
cheery and proud -
pushing product
with a knowing smile,
words animated,
confident and collected.
once they leave i sit and
ponder, I see the stars
in their films and admire
from afar, lamenting that I
cannot act - but can I?

Have I broken your back yet
Like I pulverized mine?
I know I'm a heavy burden --
With weight I cannot leave behind

Hospitable I am
With the company I keep
They’ve settled quite well, the
Feisty little creatures --
In my mind they burrow deep

Generous I am
To the voices in my mind
Feeding them so they flourish --
Whispering persuasive hatred
With every chance they find

Gullible I am
Because I listen with open ears
Gobbling up their words in
Idolization, never questioning
Any sound that I hear

i am hungry and
always wanting to have ***;
i read and feel
i breathe and know
two favorites, one here &
one there, both appetizing
sticky sweet spoons, but
only one allows me to
indulge and say,
Mm.

Five thousand miles
Wandering the desert dry
Yearning for purpose
For some venerable way to die

Grinning gal with silver dollar eyes
Head lost in endless reveries
Searching for a way out
Blonde hair rustling in the breeze

Two paths entwine
Haphazardly passing by
Sore souls searching
Answering each other’s cry

Talking for hours,
He ignores her every plea
Mere inches between them
Each one the other’s tease

Through smoke and gunfire,
She grabs him tight
He’s gunning for the end
To go gently with the night

You’re probably sitting now
With a glass of cabernet
Sprawled on the couch
Reflecting on your day
Maybe the TV
Is humming along
Singing its song
So you don’t have to
Listen to yours.

You’re heavy with
Loneliness and those
guilty pleasures --
candies --
That you hide
A nervous addiction
Denied
Even though you write it out
In wrappers.

I know I do not fail
To flummox you
You hide it well
But I still see through
“The line’s always open,”
is the urging
Too bad I already
Blew out the fuse

Zooming fast
Zipping and
Ripping through
Brain matter

Negative neurons
Infiltrate and invade
Irrationally made
Usurp what’s real
It’s all surreal
In the most ****** up
Of ways

Down city avenues and dead ends
We unravel together,
The knots of our hearts
Tearing us both apart

Crazy ***** laughing bitter tears and
crying cruel laughter, curling like
a millipede thrown to the ground,
fragile, writhing creature of pity
reduced to sobs and shame as
one hand trembles toward the screen

skin meets glass, she punches, hard,
but the barrier absorbs her woes and
holds its rigid ground. No,
she can’t be touched,  cannot touch,
They won’t let her -- she screams. muffled
white noise to the world, no one hears,
who would care? bells ring and crash in a pounding
skull, she contemplates smearing her brain
across the glass but her neck is locked in place
poor puny marionette left to hang without a will
in a world of which she can’t be a part

We wrestled once,
through tangled sheets
You on top, I beneath
Leading lady and her little sheep

Late into the night we stayed
Secret sapphics stowed away
When daybreak hit and eyes could see
Our heat rolled off with the tumbleweeds

Does she take you there --?
Wet warm wild ride
Summer noon,
Her bed

Sipping miso soup
In lieu of a hug
Warm convalescence
Ephemeral reprieve
For a perpetual hunger
That ceases to leave

I found God
In the gaze of my lover
As we lay still on the water
In the stupor of fear

I found God
When I fled alone to discover
I was trapped with no other
Until he appeared

I found God
In my haggard reflection,
Torn dress by the ocean
Wondering if I was in the clear

I found God
Watching lost men die free,
Succumbing to clarity
Thinking my time was near

I found God
When I lost all hope
My heart was breaking on the waves
And I didn't know how to steer

I found God
In a longing embrace
Finally feeling in my place
Knowing our time was now and here

What would it take, my sunshine?
For us to thrive and climb?
I’d capitulate to god
If it meant you could be mine

Blue meet grey
In the brief flash
Of a mutual gaze
Before eyes fall back
To the littered ground
Hands clasped tight
Toes are twitching
Man and girl
Sitting in careful, practiced non-existence.

I spend what I don’t have
To feel all that eludes me
Body and mind
In pursuit of harmonious high —

The clock ticking taunts
A timed expiration of my bliss
For it won’t be long
Until I’m bereft again
Empty —
Amiss

our worlds collide,
synchronized,
day and night
you think i’d be
able to hide in a
blurry crowd

does it dawn on you,
too? you’re there and
the sunset’s hot on
my cheeks, red mess
of a masterpiece burning
and i shut my eyes
to pitch black,
praying you can’t
see me.

you’re so pretty
in the sparking
sun, cascading gentle
rays like embraces
From soft laughter.
you rise, I fall
head over heels
from the hill in
the distance

Auburn haired dame
She’ll never be tamed
Dressed up to the nines
In ball gowns divine
With laughter like song
So prideful and strong
The freedom she’ll dance
Has the world in a trance
She’s beauty, she's strength
Standing firmly in place
And her whole life she’d chance
For her name is France

i want to sit amongst the stars
silent, dissolving into space, a
still nothingness, a pair of eyes
and no more.

i want LA to absorb me like a sponge,
soaking my essence, throwing it
into the sink with all the other lost
young souls: we’re soapy watercolor
film.

i want to be an extra on a movie set,
watching in wonder as personality
after personality passes me by,
perfect and poised.

i want to dissipate into the foam
of johnny depp’s coffee, or drift
like the smoke from uma thurman’s
cigarette against her lips.

i want to be a fleeting ghost, a jane
doe in an undated photo by the
paparazzi, nameless and noir
in the grainy polaroid.

i want to be a shadow, the fragments
cast off of a shooting star - i want to
trail along until i fade.

Darling, dearest,
Come out of the dark,
And into my heart
The sun has set,
The crowds are gone,
No longer I ought to pretend
That you’re only just a friend

I’m waging battles,
Winning fights
Against my mind.
Little things that
Dragged me down
Are gently tucked and
Buried beneath
The soft loam of
Recovery. It’s fresh
and shallow, like a
Scab and you just
Love to pick around
The edges until it’s
Red and raw and
Ready to rip off my
Skin, it’s thin, I’m
Sensitive and
War has not hardened
Me enough to roll
With all the punches.
Expect me not to
Meet your Expectations
I am done trying,
Even though I’m
******* hardwired
To shove myself into



Their ill-fitting form.

You think you never
Cut the ******
Umbilical cord,
That i’m one hundred
And fifty pounds of
Walking baggage
That belongs to you.

I’m just your grown-up,
Beat up barbie doll,
With the limbs loose
And skin scarred:
A breathing toy.

You invalidate me
So you can have a
Perpetual platform,
A pedestal tarnished
By the scuffs of your
Dagger heels.