waiting for my dealer on the bridge
i open my second hand copy of American ******
for the first time in two years.
i forgot it opens with the gates of hell.
nihilism is seeping from the pages
just fueling my own drug addled reality
that doesn’t quite seem to mimic ‘real life.’
itake my meds twice a day but only
in the mornings do i get klonopin,
the best drug i’ve been on since
my Ativan privileges got revoked.
i used to do Xanax but that’s another poem.
Bateman does a lot of *******
but i’ve only done that once,
and it was just parental leftovers
so i don’t know about good
bathrooms to do coke in,
but i know about popping pills in front
of the mirrors, professors in the stalls,
before class, just to keep me going.
my suicidal intent has turned into hedonism
and i am living for pleasure and i find comfort
in knowing i will die, likely by my own hand
but even then, Bateman makes one thing clear:
This Is Not An Exit.
not as sure footed as your braggadocios ego would lead you to be.
it pulls you in many directions but you can tug back sheepishly.
the pines hold you or you hold the pines.
You need not remember where you're going,or where you came from, you will sleep well tonight.
Dying dreams exchanged for
Fairy dust and a doting Daddy,
Dollars, drive-bys, euphoric highs:
Glassy eyes and a hazy mind
Just hellos - no goodbyes
No lies of stardom and
Starving on the street for a
Script or a role that never *******
Followed through, none of that,
No work, only play.
Days wasted are over
And sitting pretty is easy
When there’s coke and
Crime and corruption
But you’re still the rose
Growing in the play-pen,
It’s lonely when they go
The house is all to know,
Porcelain doll with her
Nose so white: do you ever
dream of flight?
Guess the muse.
I actually found someone I prefer more than
I would rather remember the time I spend on him
I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me
He addicts me more than
When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours
When I’m so weak
And so useless
He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and
The xan never gave a **** about me
It made me stop thinking
But it also made me stop caring
About everything and everyone
He was stronger than
He never ruined me
And the xan sure did
I can turn away from it now
But him, I can’t
I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach
Until I lost my balance and
Did me so wrong
Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that
In love with him
I didn’t want to belong to the xan
I wanted to die by the xan
Except now, he made me love this life
Made me realize that I can
Without the xan
My boyfriend tastes better
Makes me feel better
Takes care of me better
Any kind of xan I
Could ever find
— The End —