I got a bit high
And tried to capitalize
The numeral five

I just want to sleep

I survived to 21
Where I can finally get a nice buzz in peace
So here’s to whatever the **** is next
At least I won’t have to do it sober

tw self harm




Huh... a few quick slices of the skin
A stinging sensation
Was all I needed
To feel again

I still love you
I hate myself for what I’ve done
I can’t stand missing you
Your absence weighs on my heart
I weep when you come to my mind
I hope you’re well
I hope things are better
I... I miss you...
And I... I still love you

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

shadows cloud the deep crevices of my mind
begging for their evil to be carried out
their very presence causes pain
a constant droning in my heart
as i try to ignore them
to stand my ground
they tighten their grip
and unsheathe their swords

some days i can raise my shield
but here's the thing.
One can only hold up a shield so long
One can only withstand so many BLOWS
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
please... get out.........................
God, I'm feeling   w      e
                                                    a   ­                                     
                           ­                                       k
Take the pain AWAY

.......

or..... if you could at least let me access.....

......something..........            anything.......­............

    A        N          Y           T         H            I                N             G   !!!!!!!

././.',/,<~>?~?:;,,',;\];',./,/,/,'./,./,:::.,,;'''['[]\'\'\']'',.,.']][""--;-'';''
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\-D-'.A';,;,M./,/.,'N;,''','','',',,'N~:"~<~",;O',',';'I/^^*><S>><>/';']]E[]/.
./,w/.'h';';a''{[]t[_-s--';'',,,./'';'];]\r[::,'...e/,,';][][a][]'l.','.,'.>><,.'/.,',.]{{/',/',',)(@>~?.,,';,';';';';"";,.,/./,';.][]{{}}'\']]..'./.,/><<;'';[[==c--##!!:A./,/.,;'][[>?.;'n;.[][''[']y][.//.<<o<>[^^';.u.,'/';;\]['./H,//E++.A,'.,';R';[][..,/.M/,)=E''.//./.,';'./.,>::"<:*'[--=>?~<<';,';$/,';,;.'.

My head ******* hurts
I took a lot of drugs
And drank
And I’m ******* dehydrated
And it just hurts
But i don’t think I could be bothered to do anything about it

Laying down with a clear head
No drinks, no extra pills
Just eyes full of tears
Heart painfully yearning
And my stomach empty... again

I’m an addict
It’s obvious

It’s in the way I drink
Desperately pouring into my gut
To finally let a smile grace my lips
To mask my constant pain

It’s in the things I do at night
Phone in one hand
The other reaching down
Endlessly searching for another wave
Just one more moment of bliss
Before I go back to reality

It’s in the way I swallow my pills
Trying to will them to be stronger
Begging each extra tablet
To be just a little too much

It’s in the emptiness of my soul
The numbness of my heart
The agony in my head
And the recklessness of my spirit
I know it’s inside me
A few years and you’ll see
It’ll be quite obvious
I’m an addict

I'm a slave to these lettered keys
Begging them for another hit
If I can find just the right words
The perfect phrase
Dark, mysterious, real
I can frighten myself
By its beauty
And derive pleasure
From its gentle caress
They take over my thoughts
I'm surrounded by stories
I'm not sure what's true
But I know if I keep writing
If I allow it to consume me
It will ease my passage
Through these days

You always hear about the highs
The addicts, the junkies
Begging for a fix
Their next high on their mind

But I... I seem to have another problem
Though, don’t get me wrong
I know I’d easily find myself
Enslaved to chemicals
If ever anyone offered them to me

I am one addicted to the lows
Begging to hurt again
A *******
Finding solace and comfort in pain
Deeply needing to suffer

I search for it
I long for it
I allow my mind to dwell upon it
Because I like it
I like it when I’m suffering
I like it when I’m in pain
It’s familiar, I know it
This is home.

So it would seem
I am an addict in my own respect
Craving the intimacy of my lover
My intoxicating pain

I think I've gone and got myself addicted
To sadness, to desperation, to tragedy
Broken, aching hearts
Twisted stories
Heart-wrenching songs
Poems wrapped in darkness

I think... I think it helps
Maybe it makes it all worse
But I like it
I don't feel so alone
When I'm surrounded
When I stuff myself
With external tragedy
So that my own demons
Don't get lonely

God, I can see the pieces
They're falling apart
I bend to pick one up
Three more break off
I hide the cracks
From everyone else
But we both know
I can't hide from you
Save me from myself
Be my adhesive
To hold all the pieces
Of me together
Because my strength is failing
And I don't think
I can hold all these pieces
Together any longer

Find me a drug
To end this mundanity
I was so **** low
Until I started those pills
Then I swung up so high
Even this sad life I live
Felt exquisite
Everything was exciting
It all made me smile
It was probably fake
But I don’t really care
Because now I’m fine
And that’s the problem
I can’t stand “fine”
I’m adrift in reality
And frankly
I’m not a fan

I'm craving adventure
I can feel it in my blood
Heart pounding
Anticipating
Let's do something crazy
Just for once be wild
The mountains are calling
We can't leave them hanging
Let's go answer them

I’m afraid of myself tonight
Of the thoughts within my skull
I’m afraid to be left alone with myself
With nothing to drown it out

Mascara coats my face
I can’t move
I can’t think
My whole body is exhausted
I’m dehydrated
Shaking
My phone covered in salt and makeup
Tissues... everywhere.

tw: ummm this is rather sensitive. Read with care


Lol I’m not good
**** mental health
I feel like **** and I love it
Getting every high I can find
Anything for a little dopamine **
I could literally take one more pill
I have them. I just have to take it.
Need permission to take it
And I’d be okay for a little while
Maybe a few weeks
It won’t last but it’s a start
Mmm I feel like self sabotage
Idk. Just for fun
Cause why the **** not??
We both know this isn’t going anywhere
You’re not going anywhere
Lol
You’re not loved
Don’t you ever ******* forget it
You’ve got the mental structure of an addict
And you don’t even care
All your skills are basically useless
You’ll just be another piece of the corporate machine
You won’t make a life for yourself
You won’t be happy eventually
You’ll take drugs until you feel okay
But it’ll never ever be enough
You’ll find someone to ****
And it will leaving you wanting
You’ll make them all turn on you
It won’t be too hard now
Your life is nothing
You are nothing
You’re not dead because you’re a ******* coward
And because you know they’ll cry
Ughhh why would they cry
There’s no loss
No change
I won’t leave much behind
Your lives will be fine
They’ll be fine
It’ll be fine
You’ll be fine
I’m fine
I’m really not okay
I know that
I hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over
The whisper behind the noise
Waiting patiently for a little quiet
And it won’t leave me the **** alone
Just leave me alone ******* it
My head needs to calm down
I’ve gotta calm down
But my body is calm.
Mind is racing but the body feels nothing
Should I be feeling something??
I must’ve made it all up
This isn’t about me
Just some story
A fantasy in my head
Some world where someone else lives
A life more interesting than mine
Even if it hurts her it’s better than nothing
Pain is so ******* easy man
Bleeding is easy
But why
This isn’t in my head
This isn’t mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
I’m fine
I’m fine
What the ****
I’m fine
Why is this in my head
It’s not right
This isn’t right
****

I’ve danced around it my whole life
Ignoring it
(Trying to anyways...)
Living my life to please it
Coated in a guilt like tar
Whether I do it wrong or right
It won’t leave me
Wounds built into me
Repeatedly burned into my being
And it’s so shallow
It makes no sense
But it was passed to me
It resides within me
A restlessness I’ll never escape
A mantra endlessly repeating

“Your body will never be acceptable”

I want to feel something
Or nothing at all
But emptiness wrapped
In everything at once
Is utterly unbearable

If the opportunity arose
I’d jump at the chance.
I’d sell my soul to liquor
And consider it
A very good deal

I have no one to heal my wounds
There’s this aching in me to be seen
I want you to see the blood
Please, look at me
Look at my wrist!!
I’m in pain!
I’m injured!
And I just... just need someone
To dress my wounds

...

But I know there will be no one
And if I’m to heal
It will be alone
For no one is coming
To stand by my side
No one is coming
To my aid

Perhaps I’m so terrified
That I might still be alive
I’ll do anything
To prove myself wrong

I can feel my pulse in my head
Pounding, banging, aching
I just need a little time
A little longer
Away
From this reality

Muscles tense
Hands shaking
I can hardly move
My thoughts so fast
I can’t make sense of them
I just know they hurt
But some feel so good
I’m not thinking properly
Ideas pass in emotions
The richness of pleasure with pain
Don’t pity me
Even when it hurts
For this time,
I remember
I am alive

Emotions....
Such strange things
Why do they all feel so new...
All so exciting
Dark ones
Beautiful ones
Painful ones
Exhilarating ones
Peaceful ones
All of it
Terribly confusing
Terribly interesting
Terribly inviting

I just want to forget it
All of it
Please
Take it
Away

Why am I like this

I’m attracted to poison

If it could hurt me, I want it

I’ll crave it

Desire will burn in my veins

Because I need it

Something deadly

Something toxic in my blood

Just... just let me try it...

Come to me,
My long-awaited romance
Pull me in close
So I can feel your heart
Your breath, your flesh
Tell me I’m lovely
I won’t believe you at first
So you kiss me gently
And hold me near your body
Until I start to wonder
If perhaps
You actually weren’t lying
I’ve waited so long
Haven’t I been patient?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
Where are you, my love?
Will I ever find you?
I’m not even so sure
I believe you exist....

That’s it...
Isn’t it?

That’s why you want
To feel the weakness in your limbs
For your body to fail
To tremble
To stagger and fall
Scarred and broken

That’s why you lust
After anything that offers
Alteration...
Caffeine for shakes and heartbeats
To impede focus
Work your body until it fails
Feel it giving out
Don’t eat... count the hours...
How long can you wait...?
Let blood sugar drop and spike
Take your meds, don’t fall asleep
Feel the heaviness of your eyelids
The fogginess of your mind
As you fight the encompassing night

Doesn’t really matter
Anything will do
As long as it’s clear
You’re struggling.
You’re in pain.
You’re done being strong.
Show them
Maybe someone will notice
Maybe someone will care

And if not...
You’ve had some fun...
Gotten a bit giddy...
Abused yourself a little...

That’s it
That’s what I wanted
That’s what I’ve been looking for
You’ve got me so high...
I realize how dangerous a drug this is...
This game I’m playing...
How do I stick to my beliefs
When you just make me want more...?
I want you to hold me
And don’t you dare let go.

I love my "angry music"
As she puts it
Because it's so real
It sounds like my soul
This swelling, aching, groaning
The crunch in the guitar
Dark and powerful
A strong drumbeat
Killer bass
And lyrics that could make you weep
Or just want to scream
Something that hits you in the gut
And you contemplate
What they could mean
Every time it's deeper
It's better
And always
I play it louder

Hey what’s that?
Anticipation?
Are you excited?
How unexpected!
How lovely!

You *****.
I’m stressed
Uncomfortable
Aching
For no reason
Which makes me feel guilty
I ******* hate you
Except when you’re gone
And I go back to numb
Cold and dull
So I stare into an empty cup
That still smells faintly of a dark roast
And beg you to come back to me
Please, babe
I didn’t mean it...

Wouldn’t it be nice
If my anxiety
Could just
Leave me
The ****
Alone.

Anything
Anything at all
To feel something
Anything at all...
I’ll compromise myself
My morals, my heart, my body
I don’t really care
I just... I just want to feel something
Anything