Every time somebody invades into my life
They eventually become a piece of me
They grow inside me
having quite a nice time.
But when they leave
they take away a piece of me
which I never get back!

By now I have lot of missing pieces
wondering where it would be...
seeking my missing pieces
in and around...
But I found none..
Finally I'm left with nothing
except empty pieces of mine..

My mood swings to & fro in motion
And I cry, smile, eat, laugh and so on.
I have been away from it for sometime.
But now mingling again
Knowing not it's good or bad.
I have been away for a while thinking
if it wouldn't make me mad.
But I was wrong, no matter who leaves me
and how walks in.
My mood swings never stays apart.

A special being
she misses me every
now and then
A tiny tot she is,
but what a maturity
sometimes more than me!
For one glimpse of mine,
she waits days, sometimes weeks
but when she catches a sight of me
her smiles appears more fuller
like a rainbow
after a heavy rain..
& her killer eyes,
killing all the pain
out of me!

Negativity is bad

I know it, you know it

Whole world knows it.

But it kills.

To every positive side,

I see a unique negative side.

Affects me in every way.

Basically I do not care

My absence won't make difference

Each step I take

I feel I am backward.

Yes, suicidal I feel

But I try to overcome

Burning every other bridge

I always feel,

No one needs me

And my purpose is fading.

There are highly talented people

What is my need

It's sad that many saw talent in me

But I saw little which kept on diminishing.

I love my family,

I love my friends- one or two.

I might not say bye

As it might be disturbing.

But I am lost and

no more feel the urge.

As a child I always liked bridges
never knew why..
I grew up
& still I fall in love with bridges..
to see the unknown connection between all of us
unknown faces and glances but never finding us
I still love bridges, but now I know why!

People walking out
I walk out too
I seeked other people
Few to talk to
Few just to comfort
And another wanted me
May be my body.

But none were 'You'
I missed you
I seeked you
And no replies
from you!

What are you made up of?
You show your extreme care for me
But never tell me I love you
I waited for seasons
Still do, thinking whether it's just
A friendship or something beyond that.

Today is the day when i stopped waiting for you.
I stopped glancing at different devices that you will let me in one more time.
I stopped every other illusions of you turning back into reality.
But that doesn't hinder me to love you back.
I cannot see or feel your presence
But you know what?
I have a power to imagine
Imagining that I'm loved.
No more I desolate myself to find me alone
I have you within me.
Call me crazy but I bet I'm more loved than you are in reality!

A new year
A new dream
A new me
A new you
New everything!

Let's ditch the old
And let's all be a
wonderful
shimmering light
Fulfilling new vision
to a limitless heights!

Why to express
For whom should I
create it for?

I liked creating cute forms of art.
No, not anymore!
It's has always been a mirage
My life might turn cute,
If I visualize it that way!

But anyways,
I didn't understand
untill now that

"A mirage is never real!"

Why to even make art?
Whom to express to?
And for whom?
It doesn't even
Matter!

I write no more
to feel what I feel
as I feel nothing
to write & feel!

I know what exactly I need
But can't go beyond
To reach.

Few times it seems
Out of hand
Trying to grab it

But what an oasis
kind of a feeling
There! it seems..

But
when trying to get reach closer
There is nothing!

I used to wait
longing for someone
to love me all over again!
Longing is hurtful
if no one ever
shows up at all!

But....

Now I wait for myself
to wrap up my each day's task
and be me, just me
whom I would caress
with some love
and finding my love
in everything I do,
I write, read & paint each day
& that's where I feel
This is what I was meant to be!

People were playing two truths one lie,
We had to figure out which two are truths & which one lie.
They were thinking out in their minds which one to tell,
But i was thinking which one to hide!
Someone said they peed on pants, kissed some guy, dated a smuggler so on and so forth it went.
Finally it was my turn.
I had to speak up which I never ever do whatever is inside.
I can't say I rode on an ambulance with a person who was about to die,
can't say I loved men who were into other stuffs,
or I have smoked, drank and danced with a stranger.
I can't tell whether there is anything left in my life except work and a little bit of creativity inside.
I can't tell I was bitten by a white huge swan because I was running behind her at that time.And I love walking down the streets alone at midnight.
I can't tell all these so I kept quiet.
So I kept on thinking for a safer option and said I had never climbed a hill,
I hate reading books and I love using Facebook out of which all three were a lie.
I see people they speak up and never care a bit,
Whereas I'm here trying fit in!

How days goes by
And I feel a little less
Of the pain suffering or love
Everything feels nothing now
A part which used to ache
Now nowhere do I belong

The moment we think
somebody is close enough..
That's where the mistake lies!
They were never that close
to see through us..
leaving us with a scar!

Where are all when I need them?
Don't worry dear, you won't find them
rather you are on your own
get that straight as early as possible.
And
trust yourself that you will figure all out
until its end!

One after the other
I keep finding a substitute.
A substitute for love,
One by one they leave
To create a new mess
out of the old,
making me
colder to fold!

One by one
they venture into me,
a life to fulfill my dreams
A new dream I see,
To love each of them
Whether they stay or leave!**

10-06-2017

I asked you to walk away
I was suffering from the fact that I mattered so less in your life.
I could see all the warning signs
But with you, I felt so happy
You were my best accident
And my best escape.
Never would I like to change anything
From the past cherished memories of ours.
But I guess,
I bring chaos to every normal thing.

I suffered a lot by loving you
And craving for your love
I could feel your affection
But never was it love.

I see you free now
May you find a being
Who brings less of chaos
And more of joy into your life

For my love,
I could only write poetry about
How fabulous your we were
Both in day & night
And each time it was magical
With all the shimmers around
But I guess magic too ends after a while.

Hope you are always happy
It's hard to let you go
But you know what?
It's harder to not able
to show my love at all.

All my poetry
Spoke about you
Our friendship
And blooming of love
Which I once thought was true
But one sided love
Was all I could figure out
To be true
Now no more Poetry
No more laughter
No more cracking of jokes
No more eating out
No more night out

Let's me come back to my soul
And love myself on my own!

Its' autumn,
time to let go
But please come back
with newness within us
With your love
May be not the same
But with more of bloom!

Let all the hatred, anger
fall off within winter
And you and I become anew!

And we bloom
during spring
With our love
with more passion
and rekindled
Within us
To be inseparable!

Let us be anew
With our love during all seasons!
Will be waiting for you.

Time overlaps every other thing
awaiting to fulfill to it brim
I hope longing at the stars & later at the bright sun
Hoping to empty my heart & mind!

On the boat
of passion
& dispassion
keep them both side by side.
Hold on to passion
most of the time
to fly high in windy weather
but when needed rest,
hold on to dispassion tight
to release & fly!

– 17th May, 2017

Highlighting to my past
Exactly a year back
From now...
My break up took place
with the most beloved
person of my life.

A year later
In quiet moments
Revisiting & reviving
visualising it
To be tormenting more
Unable to adjust
One's emotional state
of being!

But now I can see clearly,
How I missed all the
red warning flags!

A burning fire melted me
To mould me fiercely
I screamed silently
With each passing day & night
I ran back to and fro
Not knowing where to go!

A lesson for life
He taught me to take a different route
Walk the path all by yourself
And to go with the flow
No matter how slow.

And this is how,
I became *me
A me, who
flew back every
other new way,
To find him in nature
& Through solving
life's struggles
With each passing day.

Rushing through everything
as if I would cease to live
at any moment
burns me out quite often.
Now its time to pause
not to look back or front
Just to be
but nowhere around..
for a while I guess
let's see how it will be!

Hi dear
perfectionist anxiety
A monster who craves for me
I said I no longer love you
You make my life miserable
To reach to a point
Where I belong nowhere.

Believe me,
I never love to be
Release me
I am better off without you
I would love to be free
Let me go, please!

Three days without a phone
And I realized
Nothing has gone wrong
Everything is as is
Life goes on
People move on
From new moon to full moon
Leaves falling and growing again
A tea in cold quiet winter evening
Made more sense
A tormented soul though
With more and more hollows
Realized how I crave for love
Buried myself into books, blankets and cried out as much as I could
Remained quiet
until I found my inner soul
Reaching to me to love thyself.

*Love is found within after all!

This would be my last message to you
And no, I'm not gonna die.
I just wanted to say few things to you
Before its too late to even say bye.
It has been exactly 5 months today
That we broke up,
And sorry that I couldn't forget dates to make up my mind.
I am sorry if I have wronged you in anyway.
You have always made me happy and brought smile into my face.
And sorry that I couldn't make you happy once or twice.

I still wish I was not so weird then atleast I could have been your friend.
After you left I changed myself completely.
I fear no more. I chase no more.
I am more of an individual now who can live life alone.
I am independent like I was never before.
More than anything I'm me who is curious about everything-
Art, writing, trekking and most of all uncertainty.
Me - weird and broken a bit.
But thank you very much for bearing with my darker side for a year or so.
My most precious moments exists with you.
You told me to be away from you which I will always do.
Sorry that I gave you a tough time being with me.
You always deserve the best.
And after all, I was just a wild flower among all the roses.

I would explode anytime and I cannot give
the special place to anyone like I gave it to you.
And That emptiness within me never goes away
but I am happy that atleast I could be with you for an year to say.
I still wish If I knew we would have never meet again then that very day when I saw you I would have loved you like my last.
Life is uncertain and that's how it should be lived-
To see all the beauty and love like it will be our last.

The possibility of the unknown
Is like a fruit yet to be tasted
either sweet or sour
unknown it will be
Until & unless dared to be tasted
for knowing its richness
for a better insight
of the soul!

– 28/06/2017

What's the best way
to celebrate one's birthday?

To throw a party?
To cut two cakes -
One for birthday, another for promotion?
To be with loved ones - called a family?
To cherish oneself and make goals for future?
To teach art to the less privileged children?

Yes, I did it all this time!

The best of everything was the part
when I taught art to the less privileged children
But to my surprise,
These cute children taught me
more than what I could teach them!
It was- how to be happily happy with minimalism.

I spent two hours of my birthday
With them
Teaching them art
And it was so awakening,
Their happy expressions of art
Made me more happy.

They gifted me that day a smile
Which was unconditional
Few were orphans,
few children of a single parent
With less of money
but more of heart!

Their smiling aura
Amidst all odds
taught me how to live
and be happy minimally!

All the trails
In my life
Taught me to be true
True to oneself
It's not always the depression
Or loneliness that pesters you away.

It's the love for oneself
To be created with tender hands
And to realize that it's okay
To be with oneself
And celebrate days to come
With a shield in hand
And a smile never fading away.

Relationship after relationships
begins and ends quite often..
Each are are superbly selected
not by money or humor or any other thing
except the mystery they hold..
I am a curious lover,
I seek mystery in each of them
until one leaves,
I seek for the same substitute all over again!

Unknown
unexplained
unanswered
more than that
its the waiting
that kills..
whether to wait or to leave?

Cafe at midnight with a friend,
brewing a fresh freedom of life.
cold coffee, lemonade with ice.
Chilled minds but unspoken words around.
Not knowing why is it so difficult to utter a word
and it only happens to be a sigh!
Empty chairs and a group of people inside.
me, my friend but with not a single word
staring into the phones
only thinking why is it so difficult to start our talks
after a so called time being along!

Surrendering to the quietness
Of the soul beneath
Dancing to the steps
Naturally taken aback
Go with the flow
Don't look back.
The racing mind and me
jumps off a cliff
doesn't stop
It's racing to win the race.
A race which takes us to nowhere
To many unanswered queries
Why mind?
What are you racing for.
Relax, have a drink!
And learn to enjoy
The beauty in every pause
You and I take for God sake.

Ever wondered what raw beauty is?
I feel it now, I understand it now.
I don't like sweet people
All coated in best sugary dips
Like the artificial flavoured ones.

Rather I prefer now the raw bitterness
At least it's not coated or artificial
It's raw and honest
No matter how much it hurts
At least it is what it is
Love to taste the raw bitterness
With beauty within intact in it.

You might fall
But get up to crawl
Don't stay down too long
For you have a poetry or a song
To inspire the ups and downs
Of life of a weary soul.

I got a sand timer
30 seconds it counts
with a fascination on my face
appeared all across.
My colleagues said keep it with you
which made me way too much happier
than I could actually show..

My childhood fascination
of possessing an hour glass
preoccupied in my mind somewhere
but remains on hold..

How sand counts the time
flowing from top to bottom
Time flies we all know
but gazing at the sand timer
as sand flowing down like water
is a complete bliss
which stays unmeasured
at times!

Love seems in the air
makes me fly every other day
but unexpressed it remains.
The silence of it
chokes me amidst the laughter
and the time we spend.

A girl should keep quiet
and wait for the guy to confess.
Trying to be a girl
but don't know how long?
How long shall I wait
and shut my feelings for you?

What is it for
you are keeping quiet
either you are taking advantage
or waiting for the right time..
But for how long shall I wait?

Our office building
Is in the maintenance procedure
Lot of cracks and paints are out
So those are being fixed

How?

Cracks are made
to be more cracked
To fill up the whole
crack from beneath.

A thought sparked -
our hearts too, cracks
or breaks sometimes.
Let’s break it more
to heal it from beneath
and to be whole
filling up with love.

– 17th May, 2017

When things go haywire
Get in touch with none
Except your God
You will feel awaken
And not a loner anymore.

Be where you are
Treat yourself just right
Love yourself
Even though things aren't right.

I promise
One day it will!

I miss you once, twice and thrice as you remain away.
I know I am difficult and won't tell you to understand..
I wish I could let you inside my mind that
how much it has been through..
I can't blame you for treating me too well
But understand that I hardly get treated well.
I am accustomed to roughness, quite opposite to my nature.
Sweetness makes me doubt,
I was once tender but now I have lost of all me to depart.
I won't tell you to understand,
As I too can't understand myself too well!
You remain away, that's okay but come back once you are calm..
Its been a while that I have spoken with you well.
Hoping that you will bury your anger beneath the land,
And be back with your ever cherishing smile.

I was never in good terms
with myself
Since I hit puberty
Why?
I had no answer to it.

But during my early childhood
I loved being with me.
Then what happened to that 'me'?

Somewhere lost..

Why?

Again I had no answers to it!

But I only know
That I went out in the midst
of harsh reality
In search of comfort & security
But hard luck!
I searched in wrong places
Only to find myself wounded
Again and again.

Until now, I was in denial that I exist
But now I am seeking for myself again
Trying to find that
comfort from within
And not outside.
Figuring out to be in better terms
With my own self.

Finally,

I am mildly in love with myself
With my silence all over again.

A destroyer, fell in love
With all it's heart
It loved everything around
But it forgot
That love destroys her
More than it destroys others!

Let us shut ourselves
give 'us'
some time & space
for weeks, months
& think.......

and return back
when you are
whole!