Hour 20:
The white walls soffocating me,
I'm a walking zombie
and a hero wannabe.

The background sounds
beep, beep, beep
and I just wanna sleep.

I have a worried mother
whose child has fever,
and a not-so-hurt drunk driver
that tonight became a killer.

A 40 year old that's been coughing a few days
and thought of coming to the ER at 4am
because, hey, they are probably not so busy anyways.

I like my job,
and I love saving lives,
but God knows I have to put in order mine.

A heart has stopped in bed number nine,
chest compressions and meds don't make it beat,
I don't want to, but I gotta call it.

A teenager needs stitches,
she's making a mess,
apparently her scar is more important than anyone else.

A few more hours and I can go home,
time is passing slowly.
*Hey, look! There is the sun!

It's been two months since he died,
I don't think about him everyday,
he comes back in flashes and I can almost hear him laugh,
and it gets hard to hold the tears but I do anyway,
I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and continue with my life.

It's not just missing him that hurts,
I think what keeps me sane is that the last thing I told him was
"'Congratulations! I'm so proud of you and I love you, see you in July"
But what makes me mad is that right now is July, and that promise fell through.
There's this logic part of me that knows it was not my fault,
that reminds me he was sick,
that he was trying his best, that he was taking his pills,
until one day he took them all.
There's this other part that keeps wondering what if?
What if I had called him randomly?
What if instead of July it had been May?
What if I had asked again how he was doing?
And what hurts the most I think, is that I'm a doctor, just like he was; I deal with life and death and pain, and I couldn't cure the pain he was feeling inside.
And I don't know if he knows that he took a part of all of us,
that killing himself killed us too.
But even when I hold back the tears because he is gone, I cant hold back the smile because he was part of my life,
and I guess that would've made him happy.

Only my pillow knows of the late nights staring at the ceiling, of the silent tears rolling until tiredness knocks me out.
Of the scenarios I plot that most likely will never happen.
Only my pillow knows because my diary is hidden under it.
Of the dreams where you realize its been long enough and come looking for me.
Only my pillow knows and doesnt get tired of the same subject everynight, only she gets what I feel and stays in silence while I weep.
Only my pillow knows I hit snooze cause I want to keep dreaming of you. Only she knows that every morning you are my first thought.
What my pillow doesnt know but my car stereo does is that everyday I try to find music that doesn't remind me of you, that I fake a smile as long as the day lasts until I get back home to the only one that knows the truth.

Please, let me stay with him.
Let me keep him close.
Or at least promise me we will reunite.
Promise me that wasnt the last kiss,
Cause I dont know if my mind will keep it clear for a lifetime.
Promise me I'll hold his hand again, cause I doubt I can find something to fit between my fingers as well as he does.
Please, if you choose to set me apart from him dont make it long.

yeah, yeah, you say you love me.
but do you really LOVE ME?
the me that gets mad,
that raises her voice too high.
The one that gets insecure more often than not,
that makes everyone believe she is strong while crumbling down inside,
the one that really needs a push but won´t ask you.
Do you love me when I get tired before we go out,
or when I get sad and I dont know why?
Do you love me when I get serious and out of no where I start to laugh?
I know it´s complicated, I know I´m not an easy job.
And I ask too many questions but I have to be sure,
that when you say you love me, you really mean love.

Don't call him first; if he calls don't answer right away.
Who made those stupid rules anyway?
They say men are all about hunting,
how will I do that when my desire is the only thing I'm struggling?

And don't kiss on the first date,
maybe hold hands but you gotta make him wait.
Well, I dare you to do it.
I dare you to look into his eyes and not sink into them.

And you can label me all you want,
you can call me easy to get,
but I'll never wonder what if?
that I can bet.

He left.

So I got scared of life,
of the future,
of everything coming so fast, so hard,
of the fog that doesn´t let me see past next week.
And when the tears exploded all I could think was how much I needed you.
I drove to your house,
against that superstition that nothing good happens after 2am.
And you opened the door, and your arms,
and I opened my heart.
The only peace I´m feeling these days comes from you.
My strong and steady.
And you say I don´t know how strong I am,
but I say you don´t know how strong you make me.

Three months ago we said goodbye,
not knowing if we were going to see each other again.
Three months ago I was aching,
hugging and kissing you until the sunrise,
not wanting to let go.
Three months ago you erased my tears
and said "see you soon."
Today I´m packing,
and I got an airplane ticket ready for next week,
today is me who says to you
"see you soon"

Right now we could be happy together,
or miserable, or both.
We won't find out until we actually are,
let's end this,
let's open the box and see if it survives.

If loving you is a sin,
let the gates of hell open wide for me,
for the only heaven I want to know
is between your arms.

I'm sorry for not being enough for you.
I'm sorry that giving you all that I had was so little.
I'm sorry for not being what you needed,
for loving you in spite of everyone's opinion.
I'm sorry for believing that we had a chance,
for trying so hard to be the one.
I'm sorry that I can't stay around anymore,
for getting tired of waiting for you,
I'm sorry that I'm giving up.
I'm sorry for crumbling down every night that I don't hear your voice,
for counting the days since I saw you,
for being unable to hide my sadness behind a smile.
I'm sorry for knowing this is the best for me and still wanting to run to you.
I'm so sorry that this is hurting me so much.

Would you stay a little longer?-
                              and you flash that smile I love,
                              and your eyes sink into mine as deep as the ocean goes.
                              The sweetness of your lips takes me by surprise
                              while gravity shuts down.
                              My heart tells me this is home,
                              I think with you I could go to the edge of the world,
                              there's something about you that makes me feel safe
                                                                ­   and warm
                                                                ­                      and timeless.
                             Don't even ask again.
Sure, I'd love to stay.-

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
The worst thing that could happen is not even that bad.

Spanish

Creo que no he sido lo suficientemente clara contigo,
tal vez no entiendes cuando te digo que te quiero.  
Pero te quiero, aunque no suene asi.
Mis te quiero se escuchan como *buenos días,
duerme bien, te ves muy guapo hoy.
Mis te quiero se sienten,
cuando te acaricio el pelo,
cuando te rozo con las yemas de los dedos,
cuando te acomodo el cuello de la camisa,
cuando te beso un hombro entre risas.
Mis te quiero no se dicen,
se muestran en las horas que paso arreglandome para ti,
en las noches se me han ido escribiendote,
en el remolino que siento dentro cuando llamas para decir que ya vienes.
Mis te quiero no son directos,
pero estan presentes en todo momento,
y si mi boca no te lo dice con palabras
te lo dice en cada beso.
Pero si no es suficiente para ti,
permite que te lo diga, de frente,
sin dejar lugar a dudas.
Te quiero.

English

I believe I haven´t been clear enough with you,
maybe you don´t understand when I tell you I love you.
I know I haven´t been direct,
and you are not a man that goes in circles.
But I love you, even if that´s not how it sounds.
My I love yous sound like good morning,
sleep well, you look handsome today.
My I love yous are not seen by everyone,
they are felt when I caress your hair,
when I touch your fingertips,
when I fix the collar of your shirt,
when I kiss your shoulder between laughs.
My I love yous are not said,
they show in the hours I spend getting ready for you,
in the nights that have passed me by while writing for you,
in the twister I feel inside when you call to say you are on your way.
My I love yous are not straight,
but every moment they are there,
and if my mouth doesn´t tell you with words
it tells you with every kiss.
but if it´s not enough for you, let me tell you,
face to face, with no place for doubt,
I love you.

If you are willing to be with me be prepared to deal with my insecurities and bring stick and stones to destroy brick by brick the wall I've been building around for all these years. It will take time and it won't be easy, but I promise I'll put all the effort in me to help you inside.
I'll try to put behind the past and give you my trust, but you gotta understand that after seeing only for me for so long it will be hard to start thinking of WE instead of I.
There will be times when you will want to run..
     ..please don't.
Other times I'm gonna get scared..
     ..don't let me escape.
I can assure you everything will be worth it, because once you get thorugh that thick layer you're going to met me. The real me.
The girl that was hidden under anger, sadness and fear; and that girl has the biggest heart in the world, it's not new, it was mistreated and has some dust.
But once you shake the dust and stop paying attention to the big old scar on the side, you'll realize it still works and it will give you more love than anyone thinks possible.
So if you try your best to get inside I will try my best to open the door.

I should be more excited
but this is all too scary.
My parents are proud
and I'm thinking why?
Why didn't you stop me when I was 18?
Why did you support me all these years?
Whenever I needed anything, you never said no.
How come you didn't think this through? The hurry that I'm now into.
You are so happy.
Don't you see I'm terrified?
I'm don't feel ready for the real world yet,
and there you are, taking pictures of it all.
I should be mad at you for putting me in such a stress;
for never letting me give up.
You should've let me quit when things got hard.
You shouldn't have told me that I was capable of everything.
But whenever I had doubts you were there to erase them,
and now here I am,
starring my life long dream
and this is all your fault.
I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'll never be able to thank you enough.

I'm being faithful to nothing,
to a memory,
to the ghost of what we never had.
But letting someone else sleep under these sheets,
hold me like you did,
feels like betrayal.
So I rather go to bed alone,
       cover my body with your shirt,
                and if I try hard enough I can still smell you in it,
than let anyone else erase with their touch the prints of your hands.

How the first time I saw you I taught you were the most perfect being I had ever seen.
How I started seeing all your flaws and they made you real, and attainable, and human, and even more perfect.
That you have the softest eyes and the truest smile.
That now I have songs that I love (not even love songs) that make me smile because of you.
That there is not one single place I've been since I met you that I don't think could be better with you next to me.
That I've kissed so many guys, that I've touched so many lives, that every one is so different from you, that some may even be a little bit better than you, that I've failed every time I tried to replace you.
That I admire you, that I respect you, that if I ever have a little boy I wish he could grow up to be like you.
That I still get nervous before we meet, that I check my make up when you are not looking, that you make me calm, that you make me remember to breathe when my head is spining a thousand miles.
That I've learnt to love you in the distance, I've learnt to live in peace without you even if I wish everyday to be with you.
That I'm happy giving you my heart, even if I dont get it back from you, that I know you love me, in your own way, and that I'm complete (almost) just knowing our paths crossed.

NFL season and 49ers games.
Twins.
Dark clothes.
The cranberries music that you so shamely confessed you liked.
Rock festivals and when 80s pop is played in night clubs cause it's the only way you will stand up and dance with me.
Buffalo wings on our first date.
Zombie movies although we've never seen a movie together.
The rooftop outside my apartment that you hated cause it didn't let us watch the sunrise.
That limited edition beer we tried together and both disliked.
Random attacks of laughter, silence and my bed.
Big streets and long rides in my car and that it only takes 10 minutes to get to your house.
Watching buildings and streets get constructed because I've never seen Engineering the same way since you explained it to me and the passion you put in your career.
The sofa at one of our friend's house.
Yellow pick ups and blue Jetta's.
The space between my fingers.
Small eyes and your dad's smile.

I really dont know how to put what I'm about to say in a way that sounds like poetry without leaving stuff out and I think this is an important issue that must not be left to interpretation of the reader (like poetry does).
I wrote a poem almost a year ago (its down here somewhere) about a friend that commited suicide (I will call him R from now on) and even though I still think about him constantly this past week he's been more in my mind, I dreamed about him last week and woke up in tears and then I heard about Kate ***** and Anthony Bourdain, I talked to some friends and they were thinking more about him these past days sooo.... background story.
I'm a doctor, I'm a resident. I'm lucky enough to say I have a lot a good friends some of them are my med school classmates, R was one of them.
After graduation we all pursued doing a residency and thankfully we all got into what we wanted, most of my friends, including R, got to stay in the same city we all studied together, which was nice because most of their families lived there and they didnt have to pay rent and stuff like that.
A few months before the residency program began R called me and said the most shocking thing, he confessed to me that he had been diagnosed with depression during our third year in med school and that he was doing well enough that his psychiatrist considered he didnt need medication anymore, but was going to keep an eye on him in case he needed them again, he had been off the medication for 8 months by the time he called me and this were his exact words after he said all that to me "I know I'm not okay, and I know this because I have everything I ever wanted, I have friends that I love, I have an amazing family, I have the career that I want, I got accepted into the program I worked so hard for and still I think it would be better to die, and it scares me a lot" I talked to him until his mom got home so I knew he was safe, the doctor gave him medication again and he was good to go. Two years passed and then he decided he wanted to go into Neurology and he got accepted into the most important hospital in the country, that was in another city so that meant he had to live on his own for the first time in his life, and get another doctor there, I called to congratulate him a week before he left, that was on February, we made plans to see each other in July.... he died in May.
Why do I think this is important?
1. My friend didn't look sad, he was always smiling, he gave the warmest, longest hugs and when he told me he was sick I was shocked that he had been going through this for three years without anyone noticing.
2. He was very aware of his disease and he knew he had a lot to be happy about. So this proves that it can happen to anyone and is not about feeling sad for a certain situation, like getting bad grades or having a breakup. Its not something you fix by "focusing on the good things".
3. Another friend was feeling weird and she told me she was trying to "shake those feelings off" until he remembered R and decided it was best to seek for help, she was diagnosed with anxiety and started getting treatment.
4. Another one told us he was feeling very bad, like if he was not being himself, and that he was thinking about going to a psychiatrist, because he was scared of going through what R went.
5. I miss R everyday and he left a huge hole to fill, and there are so many things that remind me of him and that I wish I was able to tell him right know but at least he opened the eyes of the ones that were close to him and made a few of us do and internal check up and actually pushed others to get help.

My message for you who read this is dont be ashamed of asking for help and dont make others feel ashamed, encourage people to know that the mind gets sick too, just like the heart, and the stomach and any other ***** in your body. R knew people loved him, R knew he was lucky to have the life he had and still his mind and his depression made him think it was not worth it to keep on living.

If I had a time machine I would always set it to the same date, August 3rd, 2012.
To that sunny afternoon when I was oblivious of who you were,
to the exact moment when you casually came out and opened up a beer.
I wouldn't change a thing, I'll just relive the couriousity I felt towards you and how nervous I got when you sat next to me.
I would go back and try to figure out why I decided to stay up all night with someone I had just met
                       and I would do it all over again.
I would still show up the next day to my 24-hour shift without a minute of sleep because I knew then I had hit a breaking pioint,
                      where there was going to be a different me before and after you.

Please, make it stop.
Stop this pain,
stop this hopeless hope,
stop the love.
Fast forward to a time when I won't think of him
(or when he'll feel ready to be with me)
Make me understand that I cannot have everything I wish for
(or him that I can make his deepest wishes true)
I don't want to keep living out of flashes and moments,
I don't want to keep worrying about the definite end.
I don't want to kiss him and leave wondering when it will happen again.
Give me a sign of what to pray for,
because I really don't know what to ask for when I get on my knees.
Do I keep praying for him to realize I am the one or for me to realize that he may not be?
How can I convince myself of that?
(how can I convince him?)
I bet no one would believe that I felt he was special since day one,
that I saw in you whan no one would see.
And then you smiled, and then you talked,
and you named all the reasons to be who you are.
And just when I couldn't stop picturing my life without him,
he comes and says he is happy alone.
That he is not ready right now,
that he does not want me, nor anyone.
How do I compete against that?
There's no other woman,
there's nothing to fight against but himself.
He says he doesn't know how to think in plural anymore cause he's been alone for so long,
well, so have I,
c'mon my love, react.
We can learn together, from the basics if you want,
from writting each other notes and drawing hearts on the windows of our cars.
So, what will it be?
Do I give up or do you give in?

Little by little
you fed me up,
and those imperfections I though charming once,
now I notice them more and more.
And I still think I am the one you should want,
but you are definitely not the one I need.
I deserve so much more,
and if you don't grow into it, I'm sorry.
I can't wait around any longer,
there's a whole world ahead of me.
Good luck and goodbye.
I'll cherish you all my life.

With love:
         -The one you had and lost.

I hope the tears you shreded one day
nurture the flowers that will blossom from your scars.

sometimes I wish I could hate you,
I wish I didnt remember everytime you've been so nice, or every tiny detail you've had with me.
I really wish that whenever I list your pros and cons I didnt throw it away when I realize how long the second one is.
I really, really wish that all of those times I tried to move on had worked.
I wish you'd never kiss me.
I wish you didn't look at me with those eyes, I wish I had witnesses to prove I'm not imaging it when you get all sweet and charming.
I wish I didnt cry everytime I realize you will never decide to be totally mine.
I wish you weren't a priority, because right now I should be worried about my future, about passing that stupid test in september, but the thing that worries me about failing is not that I wont be a surgeon, but that I'd have to go back to my hometown and leave you.
I wish I didn't, but something deep down tells me that you are THE One, it might sound obsessive, but God knows I've really tried and since I met you I cant picture my future self without you.
I dont want to love you anymore.
I read good things come to those who wait, then that they come to those who work for it so I did, that nobody said it was easy they just promised it'd be worth it, but how hard should it be?
I so much wish I could hate you.

The mistake was building plans of sand,
not preparing for the wave that could destroy it all.

I feel we are on the edge,
so take my hand,
we´ll jump from there.
Tame your demons, heal your scars, cure your loneliness with mine.
Shut your eyes, I´ll cast a spell,
let me kiss your fears away.

I miss writting
letting words flow.
I miss the rush of catching all the ideas when my hand was too slow.
I miss the need of putting on paper what I felt,
of having to stop everything before I could forget.
I miss feeling inspired by the smallest thing,
a song, a phrase, your voice, your hair.
We took different ways
and you took away my words
but I kept all the love.

You were my best mistake.
I would never talk bad about you.
You were my purest, biggest love.
Even if we were never meant to be.

What is wrong with love is that it doesn't think, it feels.
At some point you'll be in love with the most mistaken person; the *****, the player, the most unatainable people of all, a tragedy.
A tragedy only worsened when you do get them, because you'll only share a glimpse of life, the most beautiful and magical for you. But how brief that enlightening time is by no means proportionate to the agony of the dark days ahead once they are gone of your side.

So you come and casually tell me that you might leave,
that foreign places are waiting for you far away from me.
But you go mad because I ecourage you to go,
you say I don't love you enough.
But who am I to stop you?
Who am I to crash your dreams?
I fell in love with you while you were free,
because you fly wild and high,
I wouldn't dare to keep you in a cage,
I wouldn't dare to cloud your happiness with mine.
And you still ask if I love you?

You are the reason I listen to love songs at 2am.
You are my favorite flavor.
You are in every choice, in every chance.
You are the laugh I want to hear every day,
the arms I want around every night.
You are my light.

Distance was supposed to make it easier
and it only brought us closer.
It´s been months,
but this love is strong against all odds.

I wonder if you miss me
if you think about how it could have been different
it North wasn't so far away from South.

Tell me, do you remember
any random night drinking with your friends
and still wish I was there next to you?

Does the smell of whisky and lilies
reminds you of me dancing at 3am like no one's watching
back when it didn't matter that our days were counted.

It was short but it was strong,
two months of somenthing real,
just enought to never forget.

Before you my future was a blurry extension of me that I failed to complete.
I imagined myself getting married to someone, having a daughter, taking her to ballet and giving her advice for college cause she would be a doctor like me.
I imagined myself wrapping presents for Christmas, going to my parents house for the Holidays and celebrating mothers day.
And she would have my smile and be boyband crazy like me and she would grow up with The Beatles and I saw myself teaching her to ride a bike.
But after you (and for the first time ever) my dreams changed and now I can´t see myself getting married if it isn´t with you. I don´t think about the wedding anymore, instead I think about the crazy mornings running around the house, trying to get our kids ready and making coffee for both of us, because I know you are lazy in the mornings and I have a tendency to let time slip by when I´m watching you sleep.
That daughter I dreamt about now has a little brother, because I want somebody to look exactly like you, and play football like you.
I still see myself wrapping Christmas presents but now I see you next to me trying to fit into a Santa costume.
And we would have Christmas at my place but New Year´s at yours.
And maybe she doesn´t like medicine but architecture and I will not only buy her Operation but also tons of Legos.
I can still teach them to ride a bike, but it will be your job to teach them sports. I´ll take care of Biology and English, but Math will be all yours.
The beatles are still the music they´d hear growing up but I promise they will watch every NFL season wearing tiny red jerseys on the sofa next to you.
For the first time my imagination of my future doesn´t stop five years from now, it not only covers my career.
Meeting you gave me a perspective and showed me all those invisible parts I didn´t know I wanted.

...and just when I start believing
that I might be fogetting you.
I see you randomly burst into a dance in the middle of the kitchen,
and you cut apple bites for both of us,
and they taste so sweet,
and you are making me laugh,
and then I get home to realize
I don't even like apples...
... or so I though.

I'm afraid
that if I push too hard
you'll run away,
and if I stay still
you will forget.

At this point in my life,
when nothing stays the same more than a while.
At this point when everything 5 months from now is a blur,
the love I have for you is the only thing that stays the same.
I made myself promise something,
you wont be a priority,
but you wont be prohibited,
I can't keep myself from you,
It hurts more not seeing you.
I'll live now to the fullest,
I'll call you when I want, kiss you when I want, hug you all the time.
I wont keep myself from you, cause if there's one thing I'd regret more about losing you next September is losing you right now.

He was lightning and she was thunder
            Always following.
Like Fall after Summer,
           And falling was all she could do.
She was the moon,
           Hidden inside the night,
watching her lovely sun shine from a far.

When tears come streaming down your face
and the world crumbles beneath your feet,
know that my shoulder is always there for you
To ease the times of grieve.
When you feel hopeless and just want to stop
I'll be the light that guides your way
and the breeze pushing your sails.
I'll show you that you're not alone
because your company is my love.

The days are going faster lately,
I'm keeping myself busy with work, and chores,
and reading, and noise.
I listen only to the electro music you hate and stay away from the songs you used to sing.
I find myself not thinking about you every minute,
and I also find myself unable to rest, unable to stop, because I'm scared of drifting towards you..
The days are becoming easier,
but the nights are still the worst.
When the lights and sounds are off and I get to feel the empty side of my twin bed, that's when I wish I could erase the past month without you, thats when I wish I could time travel to the day I met you, to our first kiss, to our first date, to the first time you held my hand, I wish I could time travel to the sight of you. I wish I could stop crying, I so deeply wish and pray to stop loving you. And then I pray a little harder for you to love me back.

I've been awake for almost three hours while you are still sleeping, and I realized two things.
1. You are really lazy.
2. I'm so in love with you that I could lay here next to you for three more hours and my time wouldn't have been wasted.

He was fire,
she was rain.
He was warm, he could burn her,
she would flood his thoughts anytime.
Anger made him burst,
she gently washed his flames away.

My first thought when I saw you was "****!"
I knew from the begining a tornado would hit,
I saw an entire life unraveling before my eyes.
I didn't know when or how
but I predicted myself a mountain moving love.
I tried to look away while I could.
But you sat next to me and asked my name.
I got lost right there and still can't find my way back.

12 texts,
15 missed calls
and one visit in the middle of the night
and I still don't believe you.
The only thing I see when you speak is
that those same lips now begging for forgiveness
where kissing her.

I want to forget you,
politely and looking back on how good our time together was,
thinking that it was just not meant to be.
Don't start changing now, don't make me hate you.

I tried to forget you with someone else.
but when he smiled (and he did it often)
I remembered the serious face you have most of the time, like you are analyzing what surrounds you, taking in every detail and how your smile is like a shooting star, only to be seen once in a while.
And I forced myself to kiss him,
foolishly thinking that would keep you out of my mind, so naive to think I could take out of my head someone that lives in my heart, and that those strange lips could fill the void of not having yours.
I came back home. I broke down once again.
This morning I picked my pieces and put them back together. My lips that kissed you, my hands that held you, my eyes blinded by you, every piece of me that has had you and glued it all to go out and try again.

In my mind you will always be safe ground,
and while I´m away working the night shift,
wishing to quit and run back home,
I´ll remember how you kissed me
and I wont be alone.