My sister is a beauty,
A photographer, an artist
And the best subject imaginable.
She is the main attraction of my coffee shop,
She’s the mainstay of Main Street.
Unlike every other woman I know,
She only carries her camera and her dignity.
And the gaze of a mirror;
Her plaid shirt, oversized even when it was mine.
A pair of tights earning their title
And sky-high leather boots, a rocker’s staple.
A cheesy beret, our mother’s bracelet.
Blonde locks like there are teardrops on her guitar.
And to complete the classic ensemble, Satan’s prized pearls:
The Cheshire Cat smile.
All tucked behind her expensive-as-hell camera.
And her phone, case with white box and black bow.
Just like my baby sister,
A photograph with a black bow.

You are a diamond
Shiny and bright
So appealing and desirable
So easy to adore.

You are a diamond
Superficial and cruel
So awful and wicked
So easy to loathe.

You are a diamond
Unfeeling and vain
So hard and slicing
So easy to die for.

You are a diamond
Sharp and poison
So black widow
So easy to fall for.

You are diamond
Colder than purest ice
You are a diamond
So evil and so nice.

You are a diamond
So many faces
Always working your angles
Acting transparent.

You are a diamond
So many colors
Always talking cuts
Acting strong.

You are a diamond
So many victims
Always roaming round
Acting perfect.

You are a diamond
So indifferent
Always in a bubble
Acting obnoxious.

You are a diamond
Enemy allied
You are a diamond
Always on the mind.

You are a diamond
Inescapably bound and tied
You are a diamond
Forever yet never just mine.

You are a diamond-
My diamond now.

So fiery, beautiful, unique and ever true
Passion burns strongly, ever purely, forever you
Like no other feeling known to man
Consumes, absorbs like nothing else can
What is a life
But filled with strife
If it has no passion to its name
For it takes passion to play the game
And how boring it must be,
Certainly not life for me,
To have no passion raging in your heart
To be that empty would tear me apart
Nothing at all like it but lust
And even that bites its sad dust
Because lust is only passion diluted with greed
And passion diluted is knocked from its steed
Far less noble, though passion perhaps not noble at all
For it causes even the bravest, strongest, smarts to fall
The best of hearts, best of brains, best of bodies, best of souls
Would set aside their aspirations, ambitions, and goals
Would bend their backs and give their lives
To feel the blades of passion’s knives
Fires of passion burning true
Fires of passion for you and me
Take a sip of eternal fire
Let it heal wounds most dire
Passion in fire
And fire in passion
Together they stand
United their brand
Forever true and eternally wild
Ever burn the fires of passion

It is dark and cramped and this room
But it is private and serene to me.
Beneath my feet the water rushes up and down, up and down
The smell of salt washing the air and calming my nerves
He would tell me this is exactly right, not to worry
The smell of salt wrapping around my shaking legs,
He would understand the way it holds me. The way he does.
The smell of salt holding my trembling hands
He caresses my fingers, plants soft and sweet kisses on them; just like this.
The smell of salt nestling in my windswept hair
He likes the smell of the ocean, he won’t mind it
The smell of salt soothing my brain with its marine tendrils of happiness, of bliss
He is a man of the sea, he’ll know why his bride came here to collect her thoughts

The ship rocks, lurches, rocks
This is nothing compared to the storms I have weathered for him
But no bride truly wants bad weather on her day
At least, no bride whose heart and future is bobbing on the sea.

The smell of salt wraps an arm around my shoulders
He is the one who gave me the words for this feeling.
The smell of salt sweeps my dress around, blowing it all over the place
He would smile if he saw this.

And the smell of salt reminds of those words spoken, years ago,
And the smell of salt tells me who I am:
“Isabella, you are my perfect bride,”
Of course, his hair had oozed the aroma of sea salt as he held me that night
My sweet sailor, always wearing sea salt
And Isabella, his perfect bride.
And the smell of sea salt, ever a guiding light.

It’s gotten to the point where she won’t speak to me
And I wouldn’t speak to her if she did
Already once I’ve tried only to be ignored
And I have decided I really won’t try again
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to see her
Not how I have no interest in hanging out
The point that I do not want to be around her
And she acts like she never sees me anyway

And yet there is not ill will
I bear none, I detect none
I want none, but I don’t know about her

She doesn’t care about me at all
And I really can’t say I care for her
What are we then
Not friends or enemies or strangers
Or are we strangers again
Can we be strangers again
After all this time, purely nothing
Not a thing to each other
I think I’d like that
Or maybe I’d hate it
Maybe both, I don’t know
But I do understand
That something we worked so hard to build
Shows no sign of itself nowadays
So it appears we are strangers again
Well, I suppose there’s a bittersweet tinge
To knowing it and feeling it

I wish I could see with new eyes
I wish I could remember what it looked like
I wish I could see what they do
I wish I could figure out what it is they see
When they look at me and find nothing

Because now it seems we are just strangers,
Complete strangers when we pass by each other,
Complete strangers when a friend needs another friend,
Complete strangers now for better or for worse.

It’s in the smallest sounds
The briefest touches
The shortest glimpse
The most fleeting feeling
The faintest scent

It’s in the loudest symphonies
The longest entanglement
The seemingly endless moment shared between wandering gazes stopped
The lasting, lingering instinct
The strongest, most pungent aroma

It’s in an informal talk with a friend
A polite minute long conversation with a stranger
A speech given
A comment overheard
A phrase dropped
A joke made
A remark pointed

It’s in the violent torrents of stinging drops
The gentlest whispers of snowflakes dancing
The beacons of golden hope shining down undefeatable
The spiraling wisps twirling to the ground from their noble perch up above
The tiny fragments of faraway life sailing on the invisible breeze from one life to another

It’s the renewal every human needs,
That once in a while of going on
That inescapable truth: we’re only human
That once every so often we accept
That everyone can only take so much

We all need something to hold
We all need something to hope
We all need something to roam
We all need something to go
We all need something to have

It’s the renewal
And it’s everywhere
It’s in our waters
And in our fires
It’s in our air
And in our earth

Everywhere someone can find it
Everywhere someone will need it
It’s everywhere you look
It’s everywhere you need
That’s what renewal happens to give.

Her heart was a secret garden
With walls to dwarf the Eiffel Tower
Mine, on the other hand, was a pebble on the beach
Completely open and natural
Her body was an oasis awarded to the worthy traveler
Displayed in the Louvre with the lights angled just so
Mine, on the other hand, was a cave on a mountain
Privacy’s abode, enclosed with ancient stone armor.
It was just the two of us alone in a hotel room
With Paris, France peering in on us.
She was the best friend I’d been yearning for,
The lover my childhood crush could never have been,
The sister who showed me how to understand myself,
And she was the girlfriend I was never brave enough to imagine.

Old souls like me may just remain present
The throwback, old days manifested
Souls with ways out of style evident
Thinking like the world is infested

Old souls slumming it their very own way
The ones who still do things like the did then
Still keeping it classy every day
People who study the ways of the men

For oldest hearts and classic souls, it stays
It’s worth the standing out, the ridicule
Doing things the good way, the way that pays
Old souls don’t make fire, we make strong fuel

Old souls who keep it always fully class
Old souls like beautifully lit stained glass

I still search for you in the boys
I mistake for bandages,
The delicate deer I mistake for lions,
The ones with eyes almost the same shade of you,
With hair just like you lips resounding your laughter,
Resembling a wisp of your smile, but they aren't you.
I don’t think about them the way I think about you
And they don’t look at me the way you looked at me.
Look at me like a piece of dead meat for the chomping.
Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
Fantacise about all the deaths you could die
Because it's so much less painful
Than the alternative you left me with.
You left me to deal with all that’s happened.
My mom laid the blame at your feet
for everything that happened that awful year.
She was on the outside the whole time-
What a luxury, don’t you think?
A luxury like melancholy poetry.
Did you know I love Sylvia Plath?
Especially that really smart poem
Where she talks about expectations
And disappointments. Disappointing.
You'll never know that even now I think
Most of us are so selfish, we can’t help but
Always, eventually, go down Plath’s path.
Even you. Eventually you. Especially you.
Every version of you except the one I know.
I don't know if you still think of me
But, boy, I sure hope you do
Because God knows I remember you--
You’re insist on dominating everywhere I go
And you turn everything your shade of blue.
That blue haunts me in everything, everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
And the pieces of me so desperately want to forget you.
But how could I forget you?
When forgetting means forsaking
And I’m not sure it’ll be you that’s forsaken
Because erasing you might mean
Accidentally actually erasing me.
Because the worst part is I lost where we stop and end.
I was so afraid of you that I gave everything
Trying to make you happy, to satisfy that appetite for blood,
Hoping in response you wouldn’t hurt me so badly
But you burned the empty pieces of my soul
And you desecrated the ashes.
Did you forget me when the room went dark?
Because that’s when I think of you the most.
Because when I go blind is when I see it all
When I can’t see a thing through my tears is when I hear you
I can see you sitting there while I bathe in my tears
Your Cheshire grin and sick laugh bordering my thoughts…  
While I grimaced and wondered if I had yet died
Your deadly force overpowered all of my NOs like a joke,
Your army all prepped and primed and ready for the show
You made yourself the atom bomb, renamed me Hiroshima
So even now I'm up all night, licking wounds, crying myself to sleep
The will in my days no longer mine to have or to hold these nights-
I wake up in the middle of the night, you know,
Gasping for air and I can never seem to breathe.
The sound of your voice, the sound of your grunt,
The smell of your sweat, the smell of your hair,
The look in your eyes, the look of your mouth
They say time is this grand solution, but I haven’t been solved.
But this is not the way to heal, not the way to be whole,
Not the way to get revenge, not the way to get justice.  
Because something horrific happened and ignoring it can’t lessen the imprint
Because lo and behold, after all this, I’m still stuck here knowing how sickly
Your friends enjoyed the show, in fear. So stupid I can’t get it out of my head.
I wish I wasn’t, how you say, “just a stupid girl”,
Wish I wasn’t a ball your grins could toss back and forth
Until it comes time to- Stop, drop, and move on
I should have shut up, listened to the song of my dying heart
You all wanted to play and you all wanted to touch
But you don’t get to use me as stomping grounds
Even though you seemed to think NO wasn’t enough
Another moment closed are my sunken eyes
As the tears gracefully crawl down my face
My body is a deflated puddle of numbness
All it knows is the inkblot of mascara tears
On my skin- and surprise, what do you know-
It’s just enough to paint a dancing mask over
The scratch running dryly down my chest,
And- oh look- it complements the purple
Of the scattered map drawn through bruises
And to top it off, red paint decorates the scene
With a knot full of knots, I fantasize about
Swallowing just enough pills
To make my pain as numb as my (everything else).
I lost my mind as I lost that war over and over
You desecrated and disintegrated the fibers of my soul
Over and over as you forced your poisons deeper inside
The world slowly went dark from the fighting and pain
And still, I scream like the wind and cry like the rain.

What is a misery that cannot be seen, heard, or explained
What is a misery far too painful for human expression
What is a misery that drives to the ends of the earth everyday
What is a misery that immobilizes indefinitely
What is a misery that surges beyond words or gestures, beyond explanation or comprehension
What is a misery at all, in fact
What is a misery but a misery?

For as long as I can remember,
the women of my family have lived
in hunger like hulking tigers in a cramped cage.
Love is quickly used up, its quality fading
from golden light into grainy shadows
flicked haphazardly across God’s great canvas.
After Love departs, nothing remains but
the splinters where we have torn away limbs
and dug holes in search of that light again,
the flecks of gold streaked through our hair,
the ones that know better than revisit our homes.
When we give up, we sit in our drab backyards
to watch the sun sink over a police state
masquerading as the ultimate state of grace.
We tuck our freedoms into bed, kiss our sacred rights
goodnight in case we never get the chance
to lead by the hand into the light of day,
and sneak back down to the kitchen for one last snack,
maybe two. Maybe more, maybe our mouths
wait in secret to transform into one bottomless pit
as we reach with every breath we take for something
we have always known and long since learned
we’ll never be able to grasp in our earthly fingers.

I thought we were friends
I thought you were true
I thought you’d understand me
I thought you’d listen to me
I thought so wrong
Because you’re a liar

You told me you were fine
So I suppose you lied
You told me you did care
Then you were never there
And now I know better than ever
All you really are is a liar

I shared my mind with you
You dumped it, then flew
I showed you my entire soul
You showed your heart to be full
And now I know better than ever
All you really are is a liar

I wanted a real bond and yoke
You wanted a dirtier joke
I offered trust and support for you
Thinking you deserved it through and through
And now I know better than ever
All you really are is a liar

Baby I know you’re infamous
But you can be my infamous love.
Baby you know I’m infamous
But I can be your infamous love.
As long as we stay in love
We can be infamous together.

Your feelings for me are an explosive scandal
They won't let you get away with it.
My feelings for you are an explosive scandal
They won't let me get away with it.
But as long as we can keep the feelings our own
We can be scandalous together and feel just fine.

Passing by an old brick building on a slow road
I almost laugh to think the last time I was there,
I thought I’d found who I was supposed to be
When I barely knew how to do anything more
Than stay quiet and stay out of everyone’s way.

I told my old soul sisters I’d see them soon
But I haven’t seen those pieces of my heart in a while.
Back then lies went down easy with a smile
And I didn’t know when everything would change
Because all the other new beginnings I prayed for
All too quickly became the worst things I could imagine.

It nearly broke me to know tragedy like the back of my hand,
But every story has its perfect ending and the last days
Were truly (almost) everything they should have been.

Looking back now I felt like I was flying through clouds
Even when all I wanted was to let myself scream again.

Eyes roaming the room of riches
Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air.
Eyes roaming round and round and round
Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel.
Eyes roaming round the room of riches
Like someone getting ready for a takedown.

And those took me down.

I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

Though this day may never be touched by the light
And though no love come to hold us this night
And though I am years from your touch and you are worlds from mine
Hold the sliver of grace that someday I’ll see your eyes shine
Even if it feels like you’ve held me for the last time
The uphill battle of love is worth the hard climb.

After all the hardships we fight through for love
We will soon be reunited, free to love
There has come a time now when we must hide our love
But there will come a time soon when we’ll return home
And when you’re safe in my arms where you belong,
Nothing will be able to tear us apart.

Don’t you love me?
Don’t I love you?
Because with a love so true, so deep, so strong
We’ve created a love that can’t be broken
And that is worth it, isn’t it, my darling
We aren’t touched by light but soon we’ll be shining.

Cross my heart and fully hope to die,
Everything about me is a lie.
We can teach one another how to soar high,
But everything you know about me is a lie.
Cross my heart… The real truth…
All I ever wanted was somebody to love me
All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free
I don’t need or even want any of this stuff
I don’t need to do or say crazy things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
God’s honest truth, I confess I am not like you;
I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last
And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing
My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture
I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know
I only act because it hurts way too much to think
I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose
I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be
Cross my heart… The real truth…
On God’s name, I swear it
I am not the person you think I am,
I’m a rock in that person’s shadow
And soon to be a rock in your show
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I cross my heart and hope to die,
These words are more of the real me
Than I have ever let you actually see
I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:
This is the truth, and it will **** me.

Big unwieldy reputation
Every time I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time, I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.

All the songs always told me
When you know, you'll know
And I know
I know that I've Done this before
But I also know that it's never
Felt
This
Right
So come on little heart of mine
Let's give this
One
More
Try
Come on you beaten golden thing
Give it one more try.

A diver, down far too deep for her own good
She fills in the blank spaces with whimsy and dreams,
Gives herself a grandchild here and a good book there,
Perhaps a batch of cupcakes to prove she has life left to live
A hike through the woods to remind her she can be strong
She’s still breathing, isn’t she? She swims down again.

Maybe she dreams herself across a river made of snow
Or transforms into a spider, crawling across ceilings unknown.
She screams from the pulpit, " be brave, have faith, give thanks"
She stands in front of Congress, telling them to get wise.
She returns to her bed, the air too clean- she’s a messenger now
Except she’s forgotten what war she was supposed to wage.

She debates going deeper, to the caverns of her treasure
Where she hasn’t dwindled any since the glory days
Where she can cast aside the constant question of how long to stay.
Uncorroded, she descends until heartache fades from view
Left in the rain for a round or three with eternity, she grins
It’s easier, she insists, to swim than it is to sleep. So she dives.

She sobs on her knees
She begs God for mercy
She has finally been broken.

She sobs and she sobs and she sobs
Pleading with her Lord to hear her prayers just once
All signs of life, all evidence of a thriving spirit within her have been crushed.

Sobbing on her knees
And saying her final prayers
She has become so broken her shattered heart beats its last.

And now all is well.
Everything is so much better now.
She wonders if any of her former friends will be sorry, but everyone knows
Everything is so much better now.

I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?

I’m not supposed to be burying my baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along

I’m not supposed to be crying this hard nonstop
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room every day
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart

How? Why?
Why, why, why?

Forward march, my intelligent young friend
Though your fight be neither fair nor just
Know you shall emerge God’s victor
Simply because you suffered
For what you knew to be right
The decks were stacked against your logic
Many upon many centuries ago
But mayhap now stand a possibility,
Just the tiniest portion of a feeble odd,
May be shaking towards favor
That this day may dawn your chance

I know you to be so very, very brave
I’ve seen not a stronger man yet
But not everyone has eyes of clarity
As you have opened my mind
Retain your noble mind
Hold your sweet mentality dear
You’ll not have it too much longer
If you let yourself fall prey to their fear
Keep your head high and be quite sure
To keep it together and collected to one
Let the pieces make a united front
And work like parts of a machine
No other way can allow
You to gain what justice and fairness seek

Remember always as well
That you fight not for yourself
But for me and for us and for your own child
Who you will love with all you have, just as I have you
Who you shall raise the very best you can, just as I have you
You fight for the future, allow for generations on their way
You fight for the past, avenge generations died in injustice
You fight for the present, for girls everywhere struggling with you
You are a united front, my grandmother and your child alike
Though many years and laws so cruel keep you down
You are our past, present, future and you fight as one

They will keep you down
Remove you from their way
Every second they can
They won’t miss a shot
To fire you down to your place
That’s why it’s your job,
Why it’s your fight to make a new one
Carve out your rightful standing
I know you can do it
You must keep that faith
And harbor it always in your soul
You won’t stand a chance if you let it go
And you must win this fight
My time is up, I’m nearly gone
It’s plain to see, you know it
I can fight with you no longer
Each step here on out you take alone
But remember I am with you:
My soul is tied to yours
My memory lives on within you
My cause and yours are one
And this cause, dear, is important
You must fight til the end
You must win at least part of your fight
So now I say to you as your loving mother
And I tell you, my loving daughter:
Win rights for all women,
Here and across the globe,
Dead, living, and unborn
From one soldier to another, I say to you
Keep up the fight
Until freedom rings for all
From sea to shining sea.

What is luck
How do you define that little word
How do you put meaning behind the overused snippet
How do you answer when someone asks what luck is

Perhaps the illustrious Lady Luck is a driving force pushing success to your corner
Perhaps she is simply a grace some people are naturally blessed with
Perhaps she’s a devil hiding in a bottle that calls you to fill and empty it just one more time

Or is she merely a little angel lurking in the imagination
Whispering tales of her own fabled glory in your ear
Does she swim like a mermaid through the blood
Settle in the bones with a poisonous push of influence
Is she a banshee with an opposite effect:
Her coming bodes well and her leaving foretells misfortune

Or is Lady Luck simply the embodiment of good fortune in and of its humble self to be true?

What is luck?
Is it represented by gold?
Is it symbolized by wealth?
Is it showcased by power?

Or is luck evidence of something so far greater?
Is it the presence of love?
Is it the coming of hope?
Is it the return of joy?

Is luck responsible for all that is good?
Does she turn gray clouds white and cease the thunder
Does she shine some favor on the poor man’s lottery ticket
Does she bring an arm of justice or a leg of courage

But can luck right this world’s assorted wrongs
And guide things towards going right more often
Or are we just fools

Are we placing the credit for our goodness and rights on a mysterious undefinable force
Simply so that we can deflect the blame for our evils and wrongs when the timing should prove convenient

What is luck but a sly sweet presence in the imagination
What is luck but friend and foe alike guiding and beseeching the mind
Can anyone answer with certainty and consistency when asked: what is luck, truly

BRMD

Jumped off a roof.
Back up: betrayal.
Dinner with the enemy,
and flashbacks to, well,
the Old Days I suppose.
Beauty and the Beast
Pervert and Pretty.
What have I missed, boy?
I woke up in all gray
Lived through the ugly day
And I found God, somewhere.
But don't mind my Spanish
and please ignore the self-loathing
until I find my cloud of white light.

Act like a lady,
Be a lady.
Being a lady means you can take it.
You. Can. Take. It.
Because all your life you have been trained by specialized warriors,
Trained to take whatever he world throws a ou
Like a lady-
With grace, and dignity, and strength, and courage.
You a braver than you know,
Stronger than you know,
Smarter than you know.
Being a lady doesn’t mean you never doubt yourself.
It doesn’t mean you will never fail.
It means that you are capable of great things,
Things like grabbing the impossible by the *****,
Looking its demons head on,
And making it just one on the long list of your accomplishments.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long just striving to breathe
And so I’ve managed to teach myself
Some people can’t be trusted
Can’t be trusted at all
I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting
So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks
And so I’ve managed to get good and things
Like running, and hiding,
Reading people and situations
I’m done letting myself hide from the light
So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust
Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.

No more fear and no more trust.
If I’m supposed to be a witch,
I will be a witch for them,
And however I want to,
I will show them what burning is.

His voice is a smooth velvety depth
Full and rich deepness like rushing blood
It calls to mind summer sweetnesses
Like ice cream, the kind you only find on a boardwalk by the tumbling waves
Like basking in soft sunlight on skin,
Cool water in your best friend’s pool
If only there couldn’t be too much of a thing,
If only depths could be infinite in safety
Because I know I wouldn’t be the first to drown
I wouldn’t be the first to fall for sunshine and get burned,
Not the second to feel home in rich depth and forget who I was before,
Not the third person to say I could tread water up to my neck and find I couldn’t.
1-15-18

Your face feels different when it showcases a swipe of lipstick.
Your hands feel different when they clutch a tube of lipstick.
You are a different woman,
Now a lady, in fact.
Instantly more beautiful, more glamourous;
A classic with added dignity, enhanced elegance.
You become the paragon of femininity,
Join the beauty icons in the lipsticked hall of fame.
You become a force to be reckoned with in the glory of womanly arts.
You become the dream of so many people, young and old, around the world.
You are the symbol of a lady, any era, any nation- you are a queen now.
You have become an artist of the highest, boldest, most powerful caliber.

More gold on her arms than in any treasury
That this state has ever known.
More kohl in her eyes
Than coal in any of the nation’s mines.
Her crown with gilded leaves,
Outshone by the melted gold on sharpened thorns,
Is one to rival the King of Jews himself.
And surely her bands are enough
To stop a gladiator in his tracks.
But it is her empire
That gives this femme fatale her magnificent pride
She cares not for her possessions
Only for her people,
For the men who ride behind her
Against anyone foolish enough to oppose.
She cares for her castle, a fortress of grandeur
And for the high court leading her world.
She cares not for shining armor
But for their knights, standing atop the walls
She cares not for her crown but for her throne
And not for any prince but her own son.
She cares for the Empire.
Her Empire.

These people are small town stereotypes
Their great-grandparents were in nursery school together
They can recount who went to prom together for generations back
And divulge every intimate detail about every individual for miles around.
I’m an eighteen-year-old whose biggest accomplishment is “server of the month”
And no family except for a four year old son no one knows about
With no history save for backup vocals in a garage band from the Bronx.
I have to turn this town into my home; do I ever get to swear off the word “impossible”?
I turned it into a swear word the day after my son was born- the one his mamma died.
Oh, god, don’t ask about his mamma. Lorraine. My angel. Born, raised, buried in the Bronx.
There’s a reason she kept the baby. Me. The rough hand I was dealt as a kid. My desire for kids.
But, as every bump on the road will reassure you, every gift comes with a cost.
And that kid- my new whole world- cost me everything. Lorraine, for one.
But now I live in a small town. I have two names: “waiter” and “daddy”.
I don’t do drugs but I do drink; once a month I get wasted. I don’t smoke, steal, cheat, or lie.
But, lord almighty, do I drink sometimes. Like I said, once a month.
I don’t know if it comes from self-loathing or mental state, but there’s no escaping it.
It’s like a rumor whispered in the window of a small town church.

I was raised in Darkness
So Darkness I became
You wanted to leave me in a world of Darkness
So now I belong only to the world of Darkness
I hope you’re happy
Because I finally am.
Cross my heart and hope to die,
Darkness is my master and my home
Because I’ve never had another
And I know comforts in Darkness.
And as for the man, my partner as I think of him
He saw Beauty in my Darkness
I saw Darkness in his Beauty
We belong together.
Which leaves me in a good place, you realize.
The only thing left is you.
You aren’t my mama, Darkness is my mama.
But you abandoned me. Big mistake.
We have unfinished business, you realize.
And I so hate loose ends.
But wasn’t that how you saw me?
A loose end to tie up?
A piece of evidence to destroy?
Don’t ever try to touch me,
Don’t even think about trying to get inside my head
It’s much too dark for you in there.
I’m not a baby anymore,
I’m a beast full of Beauty and armed with Darkness.

It was just a
“Nice to meet you”
But for once it felt genuine
It was just a
“Came for a quick hello”
But I thought it made me something
Now you’re trying on
“Good night baby”
Like I keep trying on dresses you’ll like

02:09 An angel’s manicure taps at my window
14:09 I realize I’ve turned invisible, all is pointless
02:00 I pull out a big bottle, a fistfull of angels rests in my other hand
14:00 I cry out into the crowd for help over and over, screams silent as a song
01:40 Words run all over the page like an ant army, the paper is no longer dry
13:40 I can pretend to be okay for a little while longer as long as I don’t think
01:23 Sleep has become a feather in Chicago fog, as evasive as Love, Truth
13:23 All I can think about is sleep, my mind slipping into a hopeless abyss
02:09 An angel’s manicure taps at my window
02:10 My nightingale still sings to me

Another woman has been sleeping in my bed
Her fragrance lingers in the air
Pillows the scent of her hair
Her essence is here and lively, blood red
I wish I could find out her name
I wish I could put out her flame
--
She rests peacefully
Throughout the night
Every night.
She rests peacefully
Though the day
Every day.
Nothing can disturb her peace anymore
All the pain and suffering are light years behind her,
Never to touch her again.
And she will be in peace forever
Just as they all said to her that fateful day
Rest in Peace, they told her; So she shall.

Seated with no windows
Effort to keep me structured
Surrounded by children,
None have slept for weeks
Hobble, slow dragging motions
No purpose at all
No speaking, no trying
Lay my humble head down
Attempt to slip away
Refuge in mental haven
Ignore the suffering here

Seated with no windows
Retain their control over me
Packed in tight with strangers
None of whom have peace
Seem unable to move, so weak
No meaning in their eyes
No sounds, no hands
Put my burdened load to rest
Desperately try to get far away
Hide away in nonexistent dream
Pay no mind to all the pain

This creature…
She lurks just around the corner
Her lips painted to perfection and pursed to prissiness
Her hips hosting hands, polished nails the color of Hell’s fire
Her eyes wild and dark, so full and deep, intricate curtains over the windows to her soul
Her hair cascading wild but under the chokehold of her need for control, constantly
And her entire existence… just

This creature…
She is a creature of the night, no doubt
But she is an essence of the broad sunlight
And she was designed to be the center of attention
But is simultaneously inclined to favor solitude
She craves affection, attention, validation, and such
But values her independence, her privacy so very much

This creature…
She knows no name.
She knows herself.

His voice brought back memories
Of dark rooms and broken bones.
His voice rebuilt old structures,
A whipping post with a chain.

His voice crawled under my clothes
And burrowed beneath my flesh
It brought me back to blood-soaked basements
And mattresses that were never quite dry.

His voice threw me into the closet
Hiding in a nest of dreariness
While praying for Death’s liberation
And drowning out the echoes in my ears

His voice brought back memories
Of being paralyzed more often than not
And his voice reminded me
That I will never own the body I inhabit.

You became my everything
Only you did it way too fast
And now the world is in chaos mode
Because I’m not used to being in love
And I don’t know how to be yours the way I want to be
I don’t know where the boundaries are, how to know…
The only certainty is that I love you,
And even Romeo and Juliet had that
But I don’t want us to be anything like them,
I want to keep you and cherish you forever
I’d hate letting you or our love slip out through my fingertips
The thing is, I’m not used to having a love a could hold
This all happened so fast, way too fast for me to even understand
Can you understand all this?
Here’s to our love thriving like this for a whole lifetime,
But even more importantly,
Here’s to us understanding the care and keeping of true love.

I had a teacher once-
Actually, I had him for four years straight-
Who wasn’t quite like the others.
I hated testing with him.
He insisted it had to be individual,
So he could really know everything he had to know about us.
It’s only a few times every couple months
But still, it’s a nightmare no one is ready to endure
He’d take you into a teeny, tiny room
Lock the door. Lock the windows.
Pull all the shades down.
It’s very important you be alone, in a cocoon of privacy.
And you have to make music for him;
You never know what he’ll ask for
But once he asks you always have to do it,
Exactly how he likes it.
Even if how he likes it really isn’t right.
He calls you “darling”, “honey”, “dear”
But you know he doesn’t love you like he pretends to
Because it gives you chills, and not in a good way,
When he strokes your back or touches your shoulder or arm
He always has to be making eye contact with your chest
But that isn’t why none of the boys ever have to test.
All the girls get it though, have to wait in line for it
He stretches the process out so it takes weeks to burn through all the girls
I think he likes that none of them have a way of escaping;
I didn’t escape until right before I reached high school.
But I still call myself one of the luckier ones
Because most of his girls still haven’t escaped testing.
The tests will be extra long today. “We’re halfway to goodbye”, he’ll say.
“A lot to do today,” he’ll tell them. “You can’t escape this, line on up.”
He controls what you wear and how you stand,
He guides your arms, so they only go where he wants them to.
That tiny room is a prison, and I’m so lucky I escaped.
But the story will not end as long as I’m alive.
It was a few months after I set myself free.
I was walking down the street, feeling much happier than my 14 years.
And it felt like the world was pretty and fine.
Until I walked past a group of boys who thought I was pretty and fine.
They swooped in, catcalls aplenty;
I ignored them. Outrage.
They grabbed me.
And by time I was alone again, boys nowhere to be seen,
It felt like nothing was fine,
And everyone was a predator
And it forced me to dwell on the facts
That I don’t feel brave or strong anymore and…
That I don’t know where the old me ran off to and…
And…
That I’m not fine anymore.

A true lady of mid-twentieth century perfection,
Everything about her is prim and proper:
Her soft skirt, baby blue and fresh from tea,
Her pristine blouse, white lace and tickling the neck,
Hands folded in her lap and angled to heaven.
No one would know.
She isn’t fresh from tea with Mother and Grandmother
She’s fresh from playing fast and loose
With three dead men.
She is perfection for a young lady
And ideal for a murderer
Because you’d never know what lies beneath what you see.

If ever there was a spirit divine,
One force to rule all else,
He has spoken;
He has crowned his earthly queen.
Her throne carved of stone
And her face carved with courage,
She bade the storm quiet
And all the earth knew silence.
A doe at her feet, and sparrow on her arm,
Her Excellence sweeps away the troubles
With a wave of her delicate pearl hand.
Her eyes are hazel, burning to rival any ruby.
With ears so small she hears but all.
The queen, in comfortable solitude
And Divinity.

Her lips were petals of flame against the icy fingers of her lost love.
She left a soft and sweet pinkness on her flesh
Charlotte knelt down by Lana’s casket and talked to God
Please. Please. Please. I won’t ask for a happy wife, happy life
But I really need you to bring her back to me.
Lana’s eyes remained closed. Her fingers were icicles of elegance.
Charlotte didn’t think she could climb to her feet. So she cried.
0 for 2 in terms of dry eyes in the room, Charlotte thought.
The candles all around continued to shimmer. They began to flicker
And then all the flames in the room were gone.
-----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------
Oh sweet precious flower
Whose final petal has fallen after nine decades in bloom
You’ve brought the crushed pieces of my heart down
Oh sweet precious flower
Whose withered stem returns to the earth this grey day
It is cruelty for you to leave my side now
If I shall live and you shall not
Oh my sweetest flower in the vines
Let me hold your scent, mirror your beauty,
And always remember the depth of your faith and your grace.
Oh sweet precious flower
My grandmother so dear
Whose matriarchal beauty inspired me so
And who gave so much with every breath
You shall be missed as you were loved
And honored as you were obeyed.

The diamond ring on my left hand
Sparkles when the light touches it;
And I didn’t think that anything
Could make me this happy.
But the diamonds glisten,
And in fact, I know happiness
Like I have never felt before.
It’s like my past with all is crazy troubles
Doesn’t even matter anymore.
There is only the future,
And no longer is that future only me.
Now that a simple diamond is resting with me
It feels as if nothing could be wrong in our world.

I figured out this game we’re playing
The first to acknowledge
How we used to be best friends,
Before all that stuff you did,
Is the loser.
But what happens then?
What do I get for losing a sick, twisted game
After I lost a sick, twisted best friend?
Because going through that sure gained me some things…
Turned out great, don't you think?

This game that we're playing-
The one where we don't interrupt the icy walls of silence building up,
Especially to remember when we didn't interrupt the bubbling giggles-
It's one designed to be played by two.
It's made for a pairing like us, I see that now.
And now that I finally understand it for how it is,
We have a game to play.
Bring on The Game.