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270 · Mar 2018
One Day Only
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Today I am healthy
Today I am happy
Today is a good day
I won’t let the past matter.
No matter how much it hurts
It doesn’t get to touch me today
It might have the gaping jaws of a monster
But it doesn’t get to eat me alive today.
Today I am alive again. I will hold that.
Here's to happiness, I hope you have it.
270 · Mar 2018
Mirror Me
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Where there is hope
There is some faith
And with just a little faith
There lies possibility-
For huge miracles,
For great achievements
For a brand new sense of home.
At least that’s what Mom told me.
She said, look in the mirror
And if you see something,
You’ve got hope.
Only problem is I hate mirrors
They always seem to show me scars,
Even the ones below my skin.
I’ve never felt faith, never seen hope
It just doesn’t work like that, I think.
Mom always said all we need is love
And I’ve got love in my heart,
But not the beauty she promised it brings
I can’t stand mirrors- so full of scars
The one thing I can’t hide my scars from-
Mirrors.
They glitter in sunlight,
But then they go face to face, toe to toe
With a real person.
No, no, no.
It’s so different,
They’re cold and mean, always hurting
And watering. Always somehow ugly.
Mom said if you look in the mirror
And see something you’ve got hope.
Maybe she meant if you have hope
Despite what you see in the mirror,
You know you’re really strong.
Mirrors. I hate them and all their scars.
Full poem can be read here:
https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/mirror-me-7f2397234d4
265 · Apr 2019
Monument
Brianna Duffin Apr 2019
What you gave him was something

So monumental you naturally forged it

Into something unforgettable.

You’re not fireworks on New Year’s Eve,

You’re the Big Bang- Life illuminated.

There aren’t words for that known

To a monosyllabic tongue like his.

But, nevertheless, he wanted something

And you gave him just what that was,

The golden egg your pet dragon begged you

Guard with your life in each waking hour-

Please… vigilance, and don’t forget, care.
Excerpt from a poem I wrote recently. Read the full piece here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/monument-15a6e5d5efdb
259 · Feb 2018
Mama Bird
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
I don’t even want to know how she built it
But my new stepmother
Is wearing
Something made out of bones
It starts as a choker, thick and resting below her chin
It snakes down to cover her like a halter top would
Well, more like a scarf
Because it covers her ******* and leaves the heart exposed
Then it keeps going down, down
And drops off around her thighs
Long thin bones loop around her shoulder like strings, a tie
And is covered by a fur coat
Draped around her
As if it’s doing any good against November’s wrath.
My new stepmother
Never was afraid of intimidation.
Intimidation is afraid of her.
And, somehow, I’m not afraid of anything anymore.
This poem appears as part of a collection. Read it in full here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/characters-we-see-a0197b3aee01
257 · Feb 2018
Great Lakes
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
I entered into a staring contest with the nerd from English class
It was a deep dive exploration of the Great Lakes
Two great crystallized depths locked on me
They mirrored each other brimming with emotion
They were a river and torch to baptize me by fire
But it was just a staring contest
And afterward, she turned right back to her notebook
Completely unaware she’d left my soul spinning
Which leaves me terrified of how effortlessly enthralling she is
256 · Dec 2020
Mars and Venus
Brianna Duffin Dec 2020
I was bleeding out, a crimson stain on a cream carpet
With a hand under my sweater you kissed it better
And still, you looked at me like I was precious.
At that moment, all I could think was, "I'm done for."
Because to love someone is never a safe endeavor
And I don't do well with those risks that take all of me.
I thought I knew you well enough, I guess you never know,
I guess when you open your soul like a canvas waiting
For another person to paint in new colors- it shows.
If I believed in wishes coming true, I'd want one thing-
To stand hand in hand with you and stare at the stars.
Point out Mars and Venus to me, and show me again-
Remind me there can be more to this life than fighting
And don't forget sometimes you'll have to fight for me.
This is a sample of a poem I wrote recently. You can find the full version exclusively on Medium, here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/mars-and-venus-e295f1ceb017
255 · Feb 2018
Big Reputation
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Big unwieldy reputation
Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.
252 · Feb 2018
His New Girl
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
I wanted to hurt her
Well, I wanted to make her feel what she had done to me
****** something precious of hers, as she had done me
Something small and insignificant
So that when she publicized her pain, no one would care
They’d say, it was just a trinket, not like it was valuable
But, oh, something worth so much to her and only her
Something that would make her understand just what she had stolen from me
Something that would give me a petty sense of victory, of evenness
I wanted what had gone around to come around,
So as she had sent pain to me, I thus sent pain to her.

I wanted to study her
See what was it about her that he desired
If not for brains, beauty, or heart
Then why did he hurt me for the sake of her?
I wanted to figure out why she was better than me in the eyes of so many
So I fixated on it without even trying and I learned more about her
And I think I understand now why he wanted to hurt me, for her sake;
I now know why I wasn’t good enough, why she was better than I was.
251 · Mar 2018
Leftover
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
I still have your jeans on my bedroom floor
I haven’t touched those gowns you never wore
And I’m stuck missing what we had before

I never understood why I can’t see you again
I still don’t comprehend why we’re back to “just friends”
And all I know is I’ve never felt so broken

I know you like everything fresh and shiny and new
But since when am I just some leftover to you
After all the raging storms we have been through

I must admit I got a bit scared earlier
But the sky was so blue it made your eyes look paler
And nice skies always make the world a bit prettier

When the storm of the day didn’t come
My mind flashed back, where’s this coming from?
I guess it’s still hard to say we’re done.
This poem appears in full here:
https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/leftover-2f2f29470cb2
244 · Mar 2018
Chloris
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
You might think you’ve found your flower
But you’ve got something brand new hitting you
Her eyes could burn down the room
So get out while you can, this is your last chance
You don't understand- you don’t know her at all
She doesn't know how to lose and she’d rather die
She'll run with your mind and drop it like a baton
She’ll whisper to only you and pull you in tight
Then trade you in for the newer one in the room
I know what it's like, I fell for it twice, she’s killed me too
And now she’s eyeing her prey and I'm just warning you
Once she gets her eyes on you, you’re done.
If you don't know who Chloris is, the title probably didn't make sense to you. Sorry about that.
238 · Jan 2018
Too Complicated
Brianna Duffin Jan 2018
Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?
This poem now appears in a poetry collection on Medium.. See it in full here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/the-end-of-all-the-endings-59796ac67ff7
237 · Oct 2017
Dawn
Brianna Duffin Oct 2017
If we weather the dusk
If we survive the dark
We are reborn each dawn.
And yesterday need not matter
But tomorrow matters even less.
Today...
Only today...
That is all that matters
So count your blessings
And be the best that you can be
Live through each moment
Only for this moment in itself.
Today, and only today
Is all we must know.
I wrote this when I was watching the sunrise last week.
235 · Oct 2017
Morning
Brianna Duffin Oct 2017
Groggy and hungover
Pounding in her head
Aggravated by the gull screeching
Lulu….. Lulu
They call her girlhood name

Same each morning
Get used to it all over again
Grappling with her self-pity and disgust
Dead weight
She can’t not hold herself back

She’s seen so much worse, in the day
Bellies torn open, guts strewn
Limbs twisted like contortionists
Heartbreakingly graceful
Rotting, swollen faces she dreams of

A man, mummified
Head held up
******* from a ****** straw
Invisible man
What did that soul see when the bandages came off


Welcome to the final decline
Still got her mind, probably
Not sure what she wants to lose first
The inevitable slide
Unfit for the task

It’s her own fault
They were her choices
But where could she have gone right
What had she to do- what she had to do
That’s all over, done, and gone now

Bloodbaths and blow-ups
She’d forgotten safety
Her ground still shakes
Run for cover
Still, everyday, everytime

Why her not them
Why them not her
How dumb is God
“Survivors guilt”
But the doctors know nothing

Solitude made for her
Broken way too much
Why can’t they let her be
Isolation… fight that war
Wrong choice then and no choice now

Desolate in disrepair
She’s in ruins more than it
The house leans in around her
They’re a good fit
It works on its own

Devil or angel
She has it back
The original vice
Good thing she’s all alone

She doesn’t know
Doesn’t want to remember
Distance and isolate
Intimacy out of the question

She’s useless anyway
What good is left
Where has hope gone?
Bloodbaths take lovebeds

She struggled
She fought
Stalemates rule
Why must she live

Good and right
Evils be gone
War is blinding
Wipe away schoolgirls

Why have hope
Why bother with love
Nothing gold can stay
Why fight a victorless war
This is about a woman struggling to recover from her experiences in WWII. She describes her morning routine in the present while flashing back to the past.
234 · Feb 2018
Family Smiles
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
I went through a point in time,
A period actually which lasted for about three months where I didn’t function,
And then I went to this animal shelter
I guess I figured I might as well do some good in the world
If the world wasn’t going to do any good for me
And it was magical beyond my wildest dreams
Because that’s where I found all these kittens
Before I knew it Luna and Sola and had stolen my heart
Later I found Starr who was known for being evil in the same way I was
So I adopted the lot of them
And they made me feel like I was living,
Brave.
But I only felt brave when I had them
So that’s why in pretty much every picture of me during that time period
I am toting at least one cat
I didn’t even like cats
Until I came to depend on them
Well... now it’s me, Luna, Sola, and Starr
A family. Alone in the world but still
Family.
233 · Mar 2018
We Were Just Kids
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
We were just kids
Still innocents
Getting dangerously close
To what’s realer than we know
We could hear laughter bouncing off the walls
When guns screamed out and friends began to fall
We didn’t know what we were doing
We never found where we were going
We were just kids,
No innocence.
231 · Mar 2018
Life Changing
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Her life changed
Only when she realized
The monsters had been
Trying to protect her
All along.
Don’t ever try
To get in and out
Of a monster’s head,
She knew that lesson well,
But don’t ever doubt
That this girl can tangle with darkness
And never break a sweat.
That’s when a new day dawned inside her,
When she confronted the monsters in her head
And realized they were foremost a shield.
And she needed a shield. Badly.
Because that’s a habit of monsters;
Be what a person needs, not what they want.
228 · Aug 2017
So Declares the Angel
Brianna Duffin Aug 2017
Hail the morning sun of hope
But may beauty stay untouched
Hail the evening stars of love
Gray days transform to pure grace
Hail the slivers of purity intact still
Let them prove the mercy shining above
Hail the cries and tears of crushing joy
Encase them, preserve the savior divine
Hail fervent whispers screaming “Hail Mary”
For nothing speaks of love like a prayer
Hail this time, kiss sorrow goodbye as she flutters away
Leaving no trace as she washes the heart with blessing cleanse
Hail the saving acts and running souls employing the disguise
Though hearts remain heavy and minds find no rest through nights alone
Hail silver and gold with emerald and peacock hues glistening abreast
For a celebration with swirling chaos is heavenly indeed
Hail the ones with invisible haloes shining to upstage the dark
For so declares the only soulful angel I have ever seen
Have endless hope and you will never be let down
Be wary of outward beauty because what is true is within

And learn to love everyone you encounter and never close your arms
Give the grace of God to the ungodly and bring sunlight through the storm
Perfect your soul and embrace purity with all her challenges and ideals
Make room for all at your table and never fail in your mercy or empathy
Jail the enemies of love and grace so that you may only revel in joy
Sweetly offer hands up, down, and around until the savior comes again
Hang a Hail Mary and hold your hands together when the going gets tough
Protect small and large souls, for all have weakness and some have not a prayer
Saints move not but do not doubt they feel human sorrow in their gentle hands
Bunch weeds to beauteous bouquets and bows make a blessing
Drag through as you may be for there is evil in a monstrous disguise
Hold love first and foremost, for nothing else might heal a heavy soul
Greatness comes down from glistening wings when the time is right
He who keeps a heavenly and holy heart ascends the stairs to a pearl
He who remembers the mother with her divine halo at his side keeps her
So declares the angel, but such sweetness breaks upon the rough touch of earth
227 · Mar 2018
Always Us
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
I can’t imagine all the beautiful places you’ll be someday
But I see that the world will take you from me, sweep you far away
I know it’ll be awhile before both my pillowcases are dry
But they’re still here if you ever want to give them another goodbye
I smile to hide the truth that I want to run to you
But I’m not happy at all, another thing you can see through
I know all about that talent and the charm you use
I should’ve known it was foolish to become your muse
Only issue is I look back on the days when the sun shone and we both would sing
And I glow in sweet memories, shining so bright I know I wouldn't change a thing
Don’t bother looking back, cause you already know what you’ll find
You know I’ll be pretending you’re not the only thing on my mind
It was always you
It was always us
223 · Dec 2017
Starlight
Brianna Duffin Dec 2017
She glimmered in so many ways,
And she hid no part of herself.

She motivated a hundred men to come running,
And she sent them running right back home.

She created a raw art form out of her being,
And she powered it with her energy.

She developed herself in a constant determination to grow,
And made it her mission to spread this change.

She dreamed up a world all her own in her mind’s eye,
And built it to reality with her own bare hands.

She blossomed from the lap of pure luxury,
And redefined everything about it.

She may have been built from diamonds, but there was more to her!
She had been fashioned from saturated starlight.
222 · Mar 2018
One Good Reason
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Give me one good reason, any at all
Why killing the silence will work this time
Then I will give this world one more chance
To not hurt me when there is no silence to safeguard
I will **** the silence, just give me one good reason to try
Every time I let someone in they cut even deeper than the time before
But if you give me a reason to **** off the sacred safety of the silence I will try
I will try to trust, to have hope, to let go of all the hurt from the past, to move on
I just need one good reason why I shouldn’t remain tucked in the embrace of silence
And I will venture back out into the world with arms wide open and the door to my heart unlocked
Give me a reason to **** the silence.
220 · Feb 2018
DESOLATE
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.
220 · Mar 2018
This Moment Forward
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Whatever happens from this moment forward
I promise I’ll always be your friend
That’s a lesson I’ve had to learn-
That I can never abandon the ones who matter
And from now on
You will always matter to me
We namaste together
And we take names together
So I can promise you with my heart
Nothing breaks this matching set.
I hold your pom-poms during the cartwheels
You hold my earrings during the bar fights
And from this moment forward
We’ll always have each other to hold.
220 · Oct 2017
Divine
Brianna Duffin Oct 2017
For her luminous eyes
Brightly expressive
Sweet name
Hold a treasure
Divine-
An amulet
Must be worn
At Heart.
Do not forget
The trivialest point
And yet!
If one could merely comprehend
Three eloquent words
Of poets, by poets
It’s letters
Still form a synonym for Truth
219 · Feb 2018
Beer Cans
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Beer Cans
I remember the afternoon we spent alone in the woods
Putting bullets in beer cans
With amber filtered through the green
As if someone had taken reality and cocooned it in spider silk, softened.
But we didn’t embrace that softness, just left it hovering in the atmosphere
Because I was teaching you how to defend yourself.
That’s how I got you to tell me about the things your dad made you do as a little boy
And  impressed you because I understood why you cried for a week after.
That’s when I told you about my parents, a money marriage with fondness on a good day.
I remember the jokes you made when you kept missing
And I never forgot how your hands trembled-
You hated firing that gun, even at beer cans,
But I wanted to make sure you could defend yourself
So you told me I had a Lady Liberty complex,
And I said no;
I had a Mamma Bear complex.
To which you replied that I didn’t have an interest in being your mother,
I wanted to be your safety and your fresh start; your guiding beacon of strength.
And maybe you’re right. Lady Liberty and the Independence Day.
I won’t forget you as long as I live.
[Rest of the poem isn’t here, but is on Medium.]
216 · Mar 2018
Something
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
All around me these people stare
And I’m supposed to impress them.
I really wish I could say something real,
Something that doesn't sound so insane
But lately, I don't trust my brain, not at all
You tell me I won't ever change- but I have
So I just keep my teeth ground together
No matter how bad I wish I could say something.
I’m surrounded by you and your friends
And you keep running your mouth at me
I have so much to say to you all
I so desperately wish I could say something
But my lips are glued and glossed
Because you’re too cowardly to see my brain
No matter what, I say nothing. Nothing at all.
214 · Mar 2018
Letting Go
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
You might think I’m still that sweet young girl
Sitting around, combing her hair, baking cookies
And waiting patiently for the blessing of your love.
But as usual, you’d be so wrong.
I’ve got a new man with me
And he’s actually by my side, giving me his hours.
He opens up his soul to me and he earns my heart.
So here’s to what we were, and cheers to you
Because staying is nice, but…
Letting go is an even nicer thing to do.

Letting each other go was the best thing we ever did
And severing all ties wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been
But I was done with how you gave love to the highest bid
And now I’ve got a brand new, golden lover in my linen.
213 · Feb 2018
Process
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
How sad, how tragic,
How tragically sad.
A girl with not fifteen summers of life
Holding a nation’s affairs on her ebony shoulders.
Such a pretty young thing,
Strongminded and headstrong.
So bright
And a truly sweet flower.
That head is far too young for that crown
But not a thing is to be done
To stop this flower from being crushed
Without crushing her petals in the process.
This poem appears as part of a collection. Read it in full here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/characters-we-see-a0197b3aee01
209 · Jan 2018
Paper
Brianna Duffin Jan 2018
My body pressed down by stacks of dictionaries and thesauruses
And people desperate to iron out my creases before they need to use me,
I lay flat against the map of the town, my cheek brushing a tree’s branches.
The paper town is pretty to perfection, all done down in diffused pastels
It’s long and tall, but it has zero broadness to its name-
A perfect match for me in those days leading up to a stint in rehab
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about rehab.
The river that flows unassumingly through town traces a line across my thighs,
Covering up with its blue murk the lil red scratches that paint my skin
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about those problems either.
The paper town is quiet and quaint on the face,
Which is good given there’s not much else to see here.
The infinities wasted here linger below like the taste of peanut butter
But anyone could see from a glance the lives frozen in one serene moment
What they can’t see, the part that’s hidden under the soil, the second layer of paper
Is that the moment is surely fading into a photograph
And slowly, slowly, slowly… the paper town is home only to pathetic paper people.
Picture perfect. Perfect picture.
I can feel my heart disintegrating with each passing day I can’t give it any meaning
And I can feel my blood boiling with each day the powers that be control me and I don’t know why
I can’t find any rhyme or reason that works for me, I can’t find a meaning to be me, or being this
I’m made of paper, blowing in the wind wherever it wants to take me
I’m a powerless slip of paper with a painted on smile fading in the brilliant sunlight I’m driving into.
I fade. I’m not even a fresh paper anymore.
But I feel doomed to be a paper forever. So I fade.
205 · Dec 2017
A Woman Named Destiny
Brianna Duffin Dec 2017
She exploded into my world,
A flame burning her way into the wildest hearts we hid
Now she embodies my world
And my children call her mama as they pull her copper curls

She was a copper typhoon,
Shattering the order to grow chaos in her wake with one wave of the hand
Now she jingles with each step
And my servants await her chosen moment to collect their pay

She was power
She is power
And she was my destiny
Destiny. How fitting.
204 · Feb 2018
The Beach Couple
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
You are so hard
Your whole body is just firmness and strength
And I love melting into you
You are like the earth
And I’m the water
I soften your edges
As I flow through you
And you are my security
As you hold me.
12-21-17
This goes along with the last poem I published. Hope you enjoy them.
202 · Mar 2018
The Shore
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
I’m not fine.
I’m not fine.
I’m. Not. Fine.
I’M NOT FINE OKAY
not fine at all.
You’d think I’d miss being happy
But I don’t come close to caring.
I was once a victim of a cruel boy
Now I’m a victim of my own mind.
And nobody cares about what happened to me
So I wonder if anyone cares about what he did
Because there was a crowd to witness
Who stood by with bubbles floating from their mouths
So now I’m a victim of my own mind and I’m not fine.
Will I ever be fine again?
I’ve been working on getting stronger, on not apologizing
But I haven’t been working on being stronger, forgiving
I’m not fine and I hate myself and it’s a cycle
I feel so damaged and I’m not fine and it’s a cycle
Will I ever stop drowning and swim to shore?

My fingers move with their own will
And little clicks reach my ears to say hi
And there are little lines on the screen now
And my heart doesn’t feel how it did before.
But I still haven’t made a sound.
I thought if I lost control for a bit
I might feel better but I'm still not fine at all
My eyes are glass holes; I can't see the shore.
This poem appears in full here:
https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/the-shore-fb577a1f2db2
201 · Feb 2018
English Study
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Part 1: DESOLATE SPACES STILL
Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.
She has class at 7:30 the next morning
Paling in importance as it looms closer, its pressure now mere hours from her shoulders
Ants crawling across the sea and she’s had her fill of  the meaningless chaos
Chaos. From ordered civilization emerges organized institution, but those incarcerated can’t be tamed
Even zombies without worth run wild within the stone walls
So when another stretch looms before the lone wolf as she breathes in freedom, she can’t care.
Slipping through her mind is only one reason to submit. She whispers his name in her mind.
Tall, handsome, sweet, and funny… just her type and he’s right within reach…
If she submits and lets herself try
Loud hints in the soft and subtle moments make her feel like submission is worth it
Left to her own devices, she’d wander forever. But now she’ll have to make her way to class.

Part 2: Great Lakes
I entered into a staring contest with the nerd from English class
It was a deep dive exploration of the Great Lakes
Two great crystallized depths locked on me
They mirrored each other brimming with emotion
They were a river and torch to baptize me by fire
But it was just a staring contest
And afterwards she turned right back to her notebook
Completely unaware she’d left my soul spinning
Which leaves me terrified of how effortlessly enthralling she is
That her eyes have such power… and she doesn’t even seem to know.
This poem appears in full here:
https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/english-study-15d428d7475
199 · Dec 2017
Desperate
Brianna Duffin Dec 2017
You are desperate,
More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be
And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour
So you pop a pill
But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need
Not nearly enough of a kick to save you
So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night
And then three, four
But then a small handful
(well as small as you can get; because no one ever needs to know you forced yourself to squeeze some of those large handfuls back in the bottle)
And then six, eight
But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore
Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle
Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom
And four from seeing your friends
But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your…  situation
But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help
And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse
You only know a few things:
You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal
You are desperate.
198 · Mar 2018
Perhaps
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
Perhaps…
The girl directly across from me now
Is the very one I was a decade ago.
She is not at all overweight
Bu will waste the rest of her life being told she is.
She is not sick or troubled today
But soon the ways of the world will take their toll, no refunds or exchanges.
And perhaps then, when she has been broken completely,
She will be depressed and overweight and uncared for.
But perhaps she will beat the system yet
And find a way to be a functioning woman,
Happy with herself, at peace with her mind.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
197 · Feb 2018
Sphere of Feathers
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
A work of splendor,
God’s personal masterpiece.
As tall and as wide as a treetop song.
White as a winter morning
But only in the center
Gray goose down on the bottom
Blue-tinged on the top half.
Extravagant enough to drown out anything,
Breathtakingly miraculous
The woman it shelters, on the other hand…
A plain creature of no spectacles, average beauty
The cape this showwoman has donned
Doesn’t match who she is.
Which makes them both far more beautiful to me.
This poem appears as part of a collection. Read it in full here: https://medium.com/@briannarduffin/characters-we-see-a0197b3aee01
193 · Feb 2018
Chuckle
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
A dark chuckle fell from his bubblegum lips
Yet somehow the butterflies in her stomach went crazy
All she had done to prompt this was ask him one question,
The minuscule and simple words of which still tiptoed through her mind:
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
She felt like saying please, but she didn’t know what she was begging him to do
Maybe she was only asking herself to erase the words still slithering like a garter in a garden
It was like she was begging herself and him not to let this be painful
But she knew in her heart that his darkness was seeping out like he was going to hurt her
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
193 · Sep 2017
To The End
Brianna Duffin Sep 2017
Ripping, tearing, clawing, shredding
No impact, everything continues
Melting, fading, vanishing, reducing
Soon nothing will remain; all will end

Streaked with blood, just a bit
Soaked in pain, more than ever
That small blotch insignificant
That horrid agony with a head to sever

Falling, crashing, thrashing, fighting
Dirtied by dust and blood and remains
Crushed, defeated, destroyed, absolved
Wailing among bones of love and life

And why must this be so
What catalyst evil had been committed
Why smash the glass, let the blood river flow
What bones worthy of being crushed and knitted

Dying, perishing, demising, failing
Only one way out and one exit left
Gasping, thrashing, struggling, failing
Striving to breathe and fighting the door

Failure looming still
With his tall cloaked friend
Stand inescapable
The pain is over; here is the end.

Here is the end.
192 · Feb 2018
Ask Me
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Ask of me if I love thee
And surely I must tell thee I do
But ask of me if we shall wed
Alas, it is not to be
For thought of love in me for thee
Is not what God holds in the cards for us
I have promised my hand to another
He is wealthy and honorable
He is handsome and faithful
He is quite kind and sure to be the right husband for me
And yet ask me once more if I love thee
And you shall never receive a negative response.
190 · Mar 2018
Questioning
Brianna Duffin Mar 2018
What would you do if I broke down on the outside
You’re far more decent than any of your friends, your peers, any of the rest
But that’s when you’re looking me in the eye and I’m perfectly in control of myself
But would you be just as kind to me if I lost control right next to you
If I couldn’t stop the tears would you acknowledge that they exist
Or would you go back to ignoring me like the rest of them did so long ago
Would I affect you in the way of humans, the one they’re all immune to
190 · Sep 2017
Nothing Else
Brianna Duffin Sep 2017
Nothing else seems to thrill me like the sight of you
But nothing seems to hurt me like the loss of you
Nothing excites me like the feeling you bring my heart
Nothing destroys me like the thinking you bring my head

Nothing else can take me over like you
But nothing can shoot me downward like you
What am I supposed to do about that?
What am I supposed to say to you now?

You know me, possibly
You ignore me, maybe
You bring out something good in me
You bring out my weak side as well

Something about you is such a home to me
But around you  I just cannot be at ease
Something about you is so right for me
But this whole situation seems so wrong…
183 · Jan 2019
Horizons
Brianna Duffin Jan 2019
You bring ineffable beauty
into a world that has never known it before

You bring infinite love
into a world whose hatred seeps through
every crack in the unending turmoil

You bring infatuating joy
into the life that needed hope’s sweet touch
to pry open the heart’s shuttered windows
and draw laughter’s tattoo over the scarring.

You bring inescapable light
into the world plunged into darkness
for when the sun jumps ship on us,
you are every other star still shining
like you see tomorrow dancing on the horizon.

And even if I’m sitting all alone in my bedroom
screaming at the voices in my own head- shush!
something about you means life’s worth living.
183 · Jan 2018
Ready For Me
Brianna Duffin Jan 2018
I like them a little bit older
The ones who can get a bit bolder
I like them a little more mature
The ones who really know when they’re sure
I like them a little bit stronger
The ones who tend to last much longer
I like them a little more fiery
The ones who can fill up my diary
I like them little bit braver
The ones who chase a bold flavor
I like them just a little more ready
The ones who are almost ready for me.
183 · Feb 2018
Daddy Issues + Man
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
There are two kinds of girls with daddy issues
Type one, who continues the cycle lightning fast,
Never figuring out she is more than what her father made her,
And ending up crashing into someone who reminds her of someone she can’t quite place
So she burns and ends up with a man who treats her no better and beats the kids just the same.

Type two, who decides to be stronger and smarter and better,
Takes what she wants to keep and gets the hell out,
Goes on to marry the kindest person she can find
And starts a family in a warm home where everyone is safe
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------
If I ever did need a man, it would be the one I’ve got
He is kind beyond my wildest dreams and unimaginably loving
He treats me far better than I knew humans were capable of treating one another
He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t threaten me, he doesn’t even yell. Not ever.
He doesn’t insult me, call me his personal *****, his little ******, his ***** or his maid
He doesn’t operate on the assumption that I’m a *****, the way so many others do
He doesn’t ignore me, lie to me, disappoint me, undercut me, steal from me, laugh at me
This strange but beautiful creature treats me well.
He thinks I’m worthy of his respect since I’ve won his love. Wow… astounding right?

My ex man on the other hand,
Is not half that man.
He was so very like my father,
Cruel and cold and calculating and charming.
Maliciously charming.
Doting on me before those public eyes
Ragging on me behind those closed doors
He kissed me, sure,
But not as often as he hit me
And he could make himself sweet
But only after ignoring me for a few days
He treated me like I was his sun.
He basked in all I had to offer and knew that was a lot
But he looked at me with frustration and disdain
And he didn’t understand, didn’t care until I had left him
When I wanted to be strong, he put on his shades to weaken me
He turned his back when I wanted flowers looking up at me
But he complained whenever I wasn’t above and beyond what he wanted
He could do whatever he wanted to me and everything below,
But I was to have no effect on his life, I was not to disobey him, and I was not to talk
I was not to talk.
We were just the most perfect couple, until I ran for no reason.
We were so perfect until we were nothing of the kind.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
There are two types of girls with Daddy Issues.
And then there's me
Figuring things out as I go along,
Just trying to build some semblance of a happy life
With my trademark Daddy Issues
179 · Sep 2017
Everything and Nothing
Brianna Duffin Sep 2017
Beauty is pain
Beauty in everything
Beauty nowhere
Beauty is love and joy
Beauty is streaming tears
Beauty is smiling and singing and dancing
What is beauty at all?

Sea life and sweetness
Fruit and flowers
People and parties
Pizzas and pajamas
Gold and grass
Love and life
Beauty is boldness and beaches…

What else is beauty?
Sparkly eyes with a glimmer
Bluebirds and ravens gliding on whispering wing
Whistling leaves in clear robins-egg air
Flaming orbs breaking over flawless horizons
Water trickling in magical notes of liberty
Is that beauty in purest form?

Where does it go when the spirit dies?
Fade and wither away into nothing for lack of life
Or become transformed as energy converts in movement
Or dance off into sunlit clouds into heavens above and beyond
Glow itself up to be borne again to some new beauty
Or reset to a new life as memory soft and sweet
Where does it go and where does it stay?
Where does it go?
175 · Oct 2017
Nervous
Brianna Duffin Oct 2017
Very, very dreadfully nervous...
Disease sharpened my senses-
Not destroyed! Not dulled!-
Above all.. Hearing acute...
I could hear all things
In heaven, earth, and hell.

Impossible to say how
The idea penetrated my brain
It haunted me, day and night.
Object? NONE! Passion? NONE!
I loved him, truly I cherished, adored, admired him
Never a wrong or an insult between him and me
No desire for his gold had my wicked heart...

His eye…
YES! It was THIS!
A vulture's eye it was
A pale grey bead
With a film over it
It fell upon me-
My blood ran cold,
So cold, so cold,
So frigid even the eye-
That very same evil eye
Which had brought me the miserable cold to begin with-
Could not compare to the ice of the doomed chambers within my soul.
And so it was!
Gradually, gradually,
I made up my mind
To rid myself of the evil
Forever.

You fancy me mad-
This is not so!
Madmen know nothing.
But how clever was I,
Oh how clever indeed.
How I wish you could have seen me!
How wisely I proceeded-
With what caution and foresight-
I went to work,
And I worked methodically
Just so, all according to plan;
I worked
Until I succeeded.
You fancy me mad,
But no, sir, this is not the case,
You do not give me enough credit;
Madmen are worlds away from me.

I was never kinder to the man
Then in the time proceeding his death.
And he never suspected it was so, but...
Every midnight, I opened his door,
Inserted a dark lantern, and ****** in my head
Very, very slowly… how cunningly- you’d laugh
Yes, you would laugh
For you fancied me a madman
And I proved you oh so wrong, did I not?
It took me a full hour to slide my head in
And gaze upon him as he lay alseep his bed
Ha! What madman could have been so wise as this?

Upon the final night, I was more than usually cautious
A watch’s delicate hand moves more quickly than did mine.
Never before had I felt the extent of my own powers
I could scarcely contain the triumph raining down from the heavens.
To think that there I was and he did not dream of it
I fairly chuckled at the idea; perhaps he heard me-
Perhaps you in your search for the madman have got the wrong mind!

He moved suddenly, as if startled
You may think that I drew back- I DID NOT!
I was too close to victory to retreat,
And so I held my courage, held it tight.
Would a madman not have been too nervous,
Much too nervous to manage all that I had, all that I did?

The room was black as the inside center of the eye,
Shutters fastened, ever so tightly fastened
So as to keep out the city night,
In my calm, in my incredible precise wisdom
I knew that he could not see the opening;
I kept pushing on, steadily, so steadily
I was about to open the lantern;
My thumb slipped.

The old man sprang up, crying out-
CRYING OUT!
I kept completely still and said nothing. But NOTHING!
I did not move a muscle and I made no sound, stopping my own breath
I did not hear him lie down
He was still sitting up, listening- just as I had.
I heard a slight groan and I knew: mortal terror
Not of pain or grief- OH NO!

This low, stifled sound arises from the soul
When overcharged with awe-
I knew the primal beast too well!
Many a midnight it has welled up,
Deepening with dreadful echo the terrors-
Oh yes, I knew it ever so well
I pitied him, although I chuckled at heart.
See! I am not the madman you think!
He had been trying to comfort himself
And all in vain-
For his prayers came too little, too late.
Death had staked and enveloped the victim.
This was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart".
174 · Dec 2017
None of Your Business
Brianna Duffin Dec 2017
Maybe I came here to die
But even if I did
What’s it to you
How could you pretend to care now
Now that you think it’s too late
So yes, maybe I came here to die
But maybe that’s none of your business.
172 · Nov 2017
That Which Stops My Heart
Brianna Duffin Nov 2017
I reach out, my arm feeling for the door
But all I feel is the vast void pressing in.
Three hundred degrees of isolation,
Sixty degrees of pain,
And five degrees fear.
Their pressure crushes me,
freezing me where I stand.
And my heart...
170 · Sep 2017
Good Riddance
Brianna Duffin Sep 2017
Dreams of a happier time
Hopes of a sweeter life
Live no more
Gone they go

Symbol of a beautiful horizon
Evidence of a gentle trying
Wasted and thrown
Never to be known

There they lie, still ******* in strings
Still wrapped as delicate pretty things
But no longer meaning what they should
Just a memory of a broken dream, no good

Never forgotten, but not at all good
So cruel and cold like winter wood
Never to become in reality the fantasy
Never to overtake comfort by ecstasy

They don’t mean a thing now
And good riddance to them
167 · Feb 2018
Cascade
Brianna Duffin Feb 2018
Your voice cascades all around me
Like bouncing waves whispering over my skin
Your little nod, the bright eyes within
They make my storm a little calmer
But I don’t know how to tell you that reassurance is beautiful to me
So I promise I won’t show you my heart
When I hear you join the boys who talk about me as if I can’t hear their attacks
1-18-18
Brianna Duffin Mar 2019
Whatever you seem to think I have
Is what you seem to want from me
Seventeen is too young for life,
But real to you became real to me
You were only interested in love
When all I wanted was space.
I know you demanded I stop running.
It’s just that I wanted to run from you.
Diamonds sparkle for people like you
And still, I’d rather not hold the cold.
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