I’ve seen honest faces before.
They’re usually attached to liars.

Truth is still absolute.
Believe that.
Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined.
And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

In my thirty two years of life I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turned out the way i wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure.

I don't know a lot about life, and I'm nowhere near the realm of perfection. But If there's anything I've learned it's to not to be bitter over life’s disappointments.
You will come to a place in your life where you will learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, with rainbows and talking unicorns.

But, when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair that is sometimes just life....
Remember it’s only in the black of the night that you will see stars. And those stars will lead you back home and where you need to be.

You're never forever lost, although it may feel that way.
You've just lost your own way.
So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall on bruised knees, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

I chose to look at the positive sides of things...
For instance, maybe you’ll get everything you wish for.
Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.
Who really ever knows where life is going to take you.

This road called life is a long one and in the end, the journey is your destination.

Lie awake at night.
Think about your life.
Is this the life you choose?
Always running, always hiding from the truth.
Will you ever be different?
I know I was only a game, and man, did you play me well.

It was all just a beautiful lie.
I was perfect in denial believing your feelings were real. That we were real.

How beautiful it was to believe all those moments that took my breath away were not real. How beautiful it was to believe you loved me. And most of all....How beautiful is reality when it all sinks in, that all this time I was being fed a beautiful lie.


Its time to erase this place painted with lies.
Erase all the pictures you painted of a love you said was real.
I'll be just fine.
I'll Hide behind an empty face.
I'll move away from this place.
I'll forget her face and the one you chose to take my place.

I'll move ahead, swift feet will carry.
Force distance and put miles in between us...

I know I'll forgive myself someday. When I can accept that none of what I felt or believed in was real. And on that day when my heart drifts back to you... Ill be able to forgive you too.....

Someday...

What would your husband think about you leaving? Any kids?

"I don't have a husband anymore.... And no, no kids...there's no point anyway."

What?

"Loving anyone or anything.....
Feels great at first, but it always turns to crap. I know the truth about love.... Its a hell I'll never get out of alive."





No one does......

As I drive home winter still falling and still heavy all around me.
I'm calm, collected, and happy.

I know there will be silence after I've greeted my whining dog so happy I made it home.

I'll watch a movie same as always.
Not boring at all.
I'll prepare a meal and eat happily alone.

A hot bath will come next.
Lined with candles and bubbles that last.
The smell of lavender will fill my nose and my eyes will soon close.
I'll indulge in the hot steaming water letting all my worries fade away.

Because after a long day whose to say being alone wasen't just what you needed.

A family.
A bond.
Having the same goal.
Fighting the same fight.
Fighting poverty.
Within in the US.
We are men and women.
With a passionate heart.
An empathetic heart.
We join hands.
In this journey that
Has just begun..
To save the world.
One, block...
One town..
One community..
One state...
At a time..

We are Americorps Vista!

Why is that one day I want to hate you so much...
But then I find myself thinking about you and realize that could never be true..

Why did you have to be so cruel?
Why did you have to lie about everything?
Did you really think I'd never figure everything out?
Was nothing between us real...


Why couldn't you just love me?
Why couldn't you be the man I believed you could be?
Have you really no heart?
Have you really no realness to you?
Or will you always be out there with ulterior motives?

I can only pray that one day you realize the depth of my love and how real it was.
Despite your lies..
Despite your actions..
Despite your other plans that never included me..

I only wanted to be apart of your life..
The light in your life...
But you never gave me that chance...
Or perhaps as I've thought about it..
Maybe it wasen't up to chances because as it were...
I was never one...

Maybe you'll find someone you actually love someday..
And I hope you choose her and keep choosing her until your final breath on this earth...
That's love..
And That's how I felt about you...
It was always you I chose...

Picture me..
Standing on a sandy beach..
Wind picks up my hair in a dance behind me...

Picture you..
Coming up behind me..
Wrapping those big arms around me..
Standing cheek to cheek...

Picture that...
Smile you love so much spread across my face..
Picture me snuggling my behind into you.


Picture this..
Seagulls, soaring above us..
waves crashing against rocks...

Picture...
the mist from the sea falling upon us...
Picture..
The sun setting..
Painting the sky with pinks and blues..
Dipping into the sea...
Letting night become new..

But don't forget to...
Picture me..
The girl that loves you..
And needs your love even if its just for this timeless moment..
Even if its just for a second..
On a sandy beach in Malibu..



Forever yours

Stop setting yourself on fire for people who will sit back and watch you burn.

How am I suppose to spend another Christmas without you?
Watch the snow fall gently without you?
Decorate a home filled with Christmas cheer without you?
Drink cider and make snicker Doodle cookies without you?

How am I supposed to enjoy my favorite time of year without you?

No mistletoe kisses.
No cuddles by candle light.
No seeing you in my onsie.
No holiday cheer.

I wrote Santa a letter this year...
Asking for something unobtainable..
It went unanswered...
Just as I figured.

So I'll drink egg nog by the fire.
Sing holiday songs.
Eat cookies with milk.
Enjoy snow flakes on my tongue.
I'll try to enjoy a little bit of Christmas even though you're not here.


I love you.

Albert Camus once wrote, “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”
But I wonder if there’s no breaking then there’s no healing, and if there’s no healing then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?
Could I avoid it.. At all costs?

Sorry I'm late.
I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes, of not being here.

Oh insomnia,
Won't you go away.
Someone stop these thoughts.
That continously circle me.
It's true, I crave sleep.
So much more than you.

I wanna slip deep into a dream.
Where a faceless lover consumes me.
In a forest perhaps with nothing but green forest beauty, all around as far as the eye can see.
Where he lifts me up and brings me back down.
Where his lips graze mine in a unforgettable true loves kiss.
What a sap I am, always dreaming of such an unobtainable thing.

When do you think it happened to you?
As a little girl, when you were five?
Maybe even six or ten?

Well I was eleven when it happened to me.
I was first captured by the romantic gesture of the little mermaid and her prince rescuing her and living happily ever after. Then eyes glued I watched them getting married.
She's in that big beautiful dress and her hair and shoes are perfect.

Till this day I remember my eleven year old self saying to my mother, "I want that more than cookies and sugar."

Fast forward I'm 30 and divorced.
I confess, my heart is still that naive little girl.
That wished for a prince, to sweep her off her feet.
To save her from danger and keep her safe.
To love her to marry her and live happily ever after.

But instead I married a villain who took everything from me including my heart, and there's not much of me left.

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I'll never have the prince on a white horse, who saves me for wicked step sisters or that octopus crazed person.
I'll never wear that white dress or...
Or the shoes that match.

Silly me...
Who was I kidding.
Fairy tales don't exist.

Distance..
You know?
That thing I put between us.

Distance..

It saved me..
From you..
That forced wedge?
I could finally breathe again.

Distance..

Woke me up bran new.
No more knowing that your nearby.
No more pretending to be alright.

Distance..
Was my answer.
It's what I needed.
Its what
Freed me from you.

Distance made me realize I could do so much better without you.
and it also made me see the man you'll never be.

I feel like I've fallen away into myself.
I crave distraction.
I'll take it willingly.
Give me two jobs to work.
I'll smile and say how bout three.
Give me romantic movies to
watch,
while I write poetry.

I don't care if you believe in me.
I'll show you what I'm made of times three.
Because I'll take anything that'll distract me from these thoughts.

Failure...
Defeat...
Worthless...
Mindless...

She's nobody worth saving.

Thats fine.
You'll see.
I don't need your boat to rescue me.
I'll swim to my own horizons.
Even if the waves carry me out to sea.

Your words will never cut me.
Or cause me misery.
Because I'm responsible for my own happiness.
Not the kind you tried to make for me.

I'll never understand you..
How can you look at me that way..
How can you be so mad?
I tried to tell you..
I tried to explain...
You say you understand..
But then you push me away..
Giving me the cold shoulder...
I know you're frusterated..
With me..

But like moth to a flame..
You always come..
Back to me..
Your touch is so gentle..
Your heart is so real...
You'd never purposely hurt me...
I know what you feel is real.

But I tried to tell you..
Im ****** up..
I'm black and blue...
I told you..
Love does not live here..
That ***** don't even visit..


I looked up into your eyes..
Bared my soul..
And told you..
I love you too..
But..
I had to go..
I had to spread my...
Wings..
And fly..


I know you promised me forever..
And I know you love me still...
The only thing I ask...
Is let me find me again..
I'm sorry it's selfish..
But for once in my life...
I have to be...

Ive let you in my world..
You saw first hand that it was...
all red and orange engulfed
With flames..

I tried to tell you...
There's nothing left in me...
but ash and a heart thats been burned...
Way too many ******* times...


So I love you...
Be patient..
Be with me..
But let me go...
Even if only temporary...

Why are some days harder than others.
Why is it that today of all days it got a little harder?
Why of all days did I think about you and cry a little harder?

Maybe it's because I finally see you for who you really are.
Maybe its because I finally realize everything you said, did and felt was an out right absolute lie.
Maybe its because I finally realized no matter what moments we had shared together and no matter how special I thought they were...they actually weren't...

If you asked me what killed me more... I wouldn't have an answer.

How the **** do you tell yourself it wasen't real?
How do you tell your heart..
It was all a lie?
The love was all just onesided?
How do you tell yourself you have to forget?
You have to move on?
That even though your heart might be breaking....
His isn't...


Love has cursed me...
And so have you.

I'm glad you can walk this earth without feeling anything.
Never loving anyone.
Never feeling the excruciating pain of a broken heart.
The kind that  paralyzes you.
The kind that leaves a permanent mark on your heart.

I ******* hate it.

Its hopeless to dream.
I find everyday that passes...
That statement bares more truth than dreaming about hopeless fantasies.

Maybe I grew up?
One could only gather.
Maybe I stopped giving a ****?
One could only ponder.
Or maybe it was the ice berg of truth that pierced through me...
Ripping my seams of dreams and love and my very naive fantasies to pieces.
One could only imagine.

Or maybe it was when..
You woke up one day...
And realized..
No one will ever love you as much as you love them.
People rarely if ever change...
Some people can't see their path of destruction... It will always be your fault...
They can never genuinely admit their wrong.
And they'll never come back
And lastly..
You accept..
Love is the scariest thing in this world and some people aren't capable of loving you as much as you love them or deserve.. No matter how much of yourself you were willing to give...
And that's just the way it is.

It’s funny...
There are nights...
when the crickets sing and the breeze at night is warm..
I find myself craving you..
Your touch.
Your kiss, that stopped time.
Passion that engulfed my soul.

I miss a lie.
Because you were never real.
And neither was your love.

Sometimes I pretend you’re real.
Kissing me with such passion it lights me up like all the stars in the sky.

I've known you since I was sixteen.
I remember our walks home, laughing about everything and anything.
You were my best friend.

I'll confess I never thought we'd be more than friends.
You've made that clear..
Once in the past.
But then you go and surprise me, with an unexpected kiss.
Its clique to say, but you simply took my breath away.

Feeling nothing but winters cold glow in my heart, for months..
All it took was the feel of your lips against mine, and like the sun you melted me away...



I'm conflicted...

My minds gone half crazy trying to figure out why you did it.
Why'd you cross that invisible line.
I wonder if it's worth me holding on.
I'd to hate walk away from you as if this never existed...
But what am I to think after you've gone and changed things between you and me.

Happiness comes in many different forms..
In the company of good friends,
In the feeling you get when you make someone else happy.
Or maybe it's in the promise of hope renewed....

I keep telling myself...
It’s ok to be happy...
And I guess its because..
I never know how long my happiness will last...
××××××××××××××

Sometimes
pain becomes such a huge part of your life...
So huge in fact, that you just expect it to always be there...
because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t...

But then one day I felt something else...
Something that felt wrong only because it was so unfamiliar..
and it was in that moment
I..
Realized..
That...
I was...
Happy...

I saw the devil in my dreams last night.
It was terrifying but he was there.

He smiled at me, teeth sharp, dripping with nothing but lies and other people's torment.. I cant forget the dark fire glow of his eyes starring back at me.

I finally asked..
"what do you want from me?"

And with a snicker and a smile he finally says to me...

"How does it feel to be a punchline in your divorce?"

Everything around you quickly fades..
and,
as soon as you open your eyes and realize the truth behind those words...
all you can do is cry...
Cuz in this instance the devil wasn't telling a lie.

She didn't walk away because she didn't love you.
She didn't walk away because she was weak.

She walked away because she loved you so much, but she knew that she would lose herself and every bit of strength she had left fighting for you...

All you ever wanted was a free ride.
I see that now...
All I ever wanted was your love.
You gave it all away to start a new life.
I guess what I could give wasn't enough.


You left me cold....

Who am I?

I am...

Sensitive..
A day dreamer.
A believer in romance.
A lover.
A fighter.
A risk taker.

I am...

Empathic.
I feel people's pain.
It is a gift and a curse all the same.
I see light and darkness in people.
Love will forever be my weakness.

I am...

A woman with curves.
My eyes are a forest green.
My hair is curly, bouncy, and never stays in place.

I am...

Shy.
Sarcastic.
Stubborn.
Loyal.
Devoted.

I love.

Pizza.
Puppies.
Scary movies.
Watching the sun set over snow covered mountains.
The sound and smell of rainfall.



Yes I am me..
As simple as can be.
I cant pretend to be something else.
I'm simply Chelsey.
So please..
Take me for me..
Day dreamer,
A
Lover
And
A fighter...
But nothing...
More.

I am me.

He says,
"Do you love me?"
I tell him...
"Only partly, I only love my bed and my momma, I'm sorry.
I even got it tatted on me.

Sometimes when I'm alone..
My heart likes to **** with my mind and play movie stills of nostalgic ******* I have no patience to entertain anymore.

Actually...
lately when this ******* occurs, I replace it with the hell my heart tends to forget.

Like bullet points...
Sometimes its phrases.
Sometimes its things you did that were absolutely ******.
Or on that rare occassion where I start to miss you...
I simply use the last words I heard from you and that seems to do the trick.

You remember dont you?


I was desperate and afraid of losing what we had... Because I still believed you loved me..
Isn't that hilarious?
and I most certainly loved you...
So I reached out to apologize, face to face and I'll never forget what you said to me...
It makes me laugh now, because its pure evil but its like a ****** up tattoo thats never going away...

"My girlfriend wouldnt appreciate us meeting up."

It killed me at the time...
But its hilarious now, because I was your wife...

But its okay, and finally...
So am I....

I stopped missing you...
I stopped wondering what you were doing...
If you were sorry.
If you missed me.


It took me so the **** long...
I mourned you like you were dead...
But now when someone speaks your name, or I hear your car outside my window...
I'm indifferent and I never understood the meaning of that word until.....


I repeatedly, repeated that small little phrase to myself.

Isn't that crazy?
that's all it took....

And like magic...

Surprise!!!!!
I don't ******* care.

Every tear that ever formed in my eyes...
Everytime I'd entertain a memory of you.
Everytime I'd hear your name and feel as if I'd gotten the wind kicked out of me.
Everytime I'd drop to my knees because I couldn't bare to live without you or what you had done to me...

It finally just stopped burning inside me...
There's nothing left for you here my dear.
No old photos to mourn.
No more desperation.
Its gone up in flames and i'll never burn for you again.

Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…
To those who hardly think about us in return...
That are also sometimes so un deserving...

×××××××


In
My experience most people don't recognize the significant moments in their life...
While their happening...
They grow complacent...
With..
Ideas..
People..
Or things...

They start to take them for granted..
And its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from them...
That they realize..
How wrong they've been..
How much they really need it...
And lastly...
How much they really love it.

People never change.
They just become more of who they really are.

You'd never guess by the fake smile...
I wear during the day..
That there are still some nights..
That still linger with you not far behind..
Where my dreams are out of reach..
Where sleep is nothing...
but a hilarious joke..

So I stay up..
Wide eyed..
With nothing but time that's not even on my side..
  Where I have silent conversations with God...

I'm no longer mad at him...
For our brutal end...
No more blame lives in my veins...
He took my pain and set it to the side...

Everything of yours is gone...
Except for the last memory you left me with...
That still has the ability to haunt me from time to time...
Still so permanently stained in my mind..

Where you took me by the hand..
Where you pulled me close..
Where my body welcomed and followed..
Your every command just like each and every time..

When you pressed your lips against mine..
and I got swept up like the tide...
When I was so engulfed by your sea of lies...

So blinded by what you convinced me was real...
That our love was real...
That I never saw it coming...
That devastating blow by your own hand..
Where you took that knife..
You had been holding this entire time..
Waiting for just the right time..
To..
Shove it straight through me..
Turning and leaving me on a dime..


I'm sure you could imagine me...
A ****** mess clutching to my bleeding chest..
Drowning in a sea of sorrow you left Behind...
You know..
It's that exact moment..
Where your heart breaks in two..
You experience a pain even words... Could never fully explain..

It was there for me in that moment.. That I felt myself fading..
It was then, in that very moment..
When your thoughts become crazed and rationale cannot be found..
When you're about to give in to.. Anything that will stop the pain that is living inside...

Almost succumbing to my pain..
I closed my eyes...
I whispered to the only man I knew would understand me at the time...

God...
He was the only thing that saved me that day...

So..
If you ever get around to knowing him One day...
Ask him...
Ask him, how I really felt that day...

I can picture it now..
Forgiveness and understanding in his eyes..
As he says to you..
"She loved you in ways you'd never understand."
"She loved you to the best and fullest of her hearts ability."
"Watching you walk away to her, was like a repeat of each and every goodbye, but all at once."
"She fought hard, and fiercely for you.
"She gave more to you than you will ever know existed inside her."

Now this is just me venting.
So, however this may come across,
I love my best friend.
But sometimes I don't agree with the way you do things.

You may think that I don't know **** about life.
If I'm being honest that's how you always make me feel.
But you should know by now that I don't lie to my friends.
I don't care how much you may want me to tell you what you wanna hear.
I'm just not the one.

You may have not had real friends in your life.
And it's kinda sad that I have to do this...
But hi, I'm what a real loyal friend looks like.
Surprise!!!
I would never steer you the wrong way.

So I listen to all your concerns.
I listen to you vent.
I listen to you cry.
And when you have no options or ideas on how to change certain situations in your life.
I am there every single time supplying you with them.

And you have an excuse for every single thing I suggest.

So naturally...
I've grown upset.
Naturally I'm frustrated.
Naturally this has ****** me off.

You think you know best about everything, and if that were true I don't believe you'd actually be in the mess you're in.

So For the millionth and final time, let me tell you this...
You cannot just expect your life and your situation to change by ******* about it.
To get something different, you must do something different.
If you want your situation or your life to change then you need to be willing to do something you've never done.



But what the hell do I know.

Maybe, just maybe,
you're going to be the one that saves me.

Call me crazy.
****, Call me what you will.
But I think karma is really real.

Live a life full of wickedness.
**** everyone over.
Lie..
Cheat..
And steal..
Then repeat.
And do it all over.

Don’t forget to play the victim.
Don’t forget to smile.
You’ve put on a real good show.

You’ve played the part so well.
You’ve played them all so well.
You think you’ve won.
But nothing lasts forever.....
Because karma’s a bad *** *****.

Wine at my lips I listen to KillSwitch.
My curse was your song to me.
I blare it so **** loud my ears begin to bleed.

The lyrics circle me.
They lift me off this ***** floor.
Bringing me back to our memories.
Back to where our hands bared that wedding band. Back to a home of intoxicating kisses and a passion others only dreamed of.
Back down to where I felt at home...

******* it,
Why did I have to listen to this song.

I just wanted to know you.
Even in the tiniest of measures.
In the most innocent of ways.
I just wanted to know you.

You made me laugh.
You lit me up like all the stars in the sky.
And although it was brief, and even though you may think this is corny,
You woke me up.
I felt there, captured in a moment.
You made me laugh.
And I hadn't in months.
I was in a daze it was too much.
But you shook me right up, right out of my depression coma.
And that is simply why I had to know you.

There are a million ways to die.
But only love can **** you and keep you alive, long enough for your insides to wither away slowly and then die.

Life is but a game they say.
You can use it to your advantage they say.

But I'd say that's just a lie.
Because no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm always going against the grain.
Picture the wind screaming and blowing as hard as it can, and I'm steady struggling against the winds hand.
Picture me trying to get to solid land, swimming and swimming against life's current.
Picture wave after wave crashing over you.
Slowly drowning your plans.
Diminishing your determination to succeed.
Crushing your courage to stand.
Bashing any hope you thought you had in you that would stand.

Its maddening.
It eats you away.
All you want to do is stand.
To succeed in this life and perhaps the next.

But then life throws its ugly head back and laughs.
Because its got bigger things planned to ruin all your ways to stand.