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Dazed Dreaming Oct 2018
I thought of you today...
****...
It’s been at least a year...

Thanks to Halsey...
But I can’t complain..
Music is beautiful that way..

In the sense where a song can be so beautifully written, with lyrics that depict all the things you experienced, and especially all that you wanted to say but couldn’t.

****...
(I hold back a laugh...)
This is kind of painful...
I shake you off.
My heart only associates you with pain.
I won’t let myself go back there.
But I can’t deny these lyrics.....
Because they were our story for the longest time...


I am speechless because I never expected a song to pull that ******* the heart strings of my past.
Every single word of Halsey new song without you was the same experience I had with my ex husband.. I had always looked for a song I could relate to when I divorced him and never found anything that hit my heart as hard as this song did...
Thank you Halsey!
Dazed Dreaming Jun 2018
George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

Obviously, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice, in his life.

But when you experience it yourself, what are you going to do give up? Quit? No. Not me.

I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like **** to make sure you're still alive. Because you are.
You may feel as if you're lost.
As if you've lost yourself.
But we're never lost forever.
And that pain you feel? That ache in your stomach...
That sting in your heart....
That's life.
The confusion and fear?
That's there to remind you of one very important thing.
And that is that somewhere out there, is something better, and it's not always going to be easily found or easy to happen.
But it will, and that something is worth fighting for.
Dazed Dreaming Jun 2018
32
In my thirty two years of life I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turned out the way i wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure.

I don't know a lot about life, and I'm nowhere near the realm of perfection. But If there's anything I've learned it's to not to be bitter over life’s disappointments.
You will come to a place in your life where you will learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, with rainbows and talking unicorns.

But, when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair that is sometimes just life....
Remember it’s only in the black of the night that you will see stars. And those stars will lead you back home and where you need to be.

You're never forever lost, although it may feel that way.
You've just lost your own way.
So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall on bruised knees, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

I chose to look at the positive sides of things...
For instance, maybe you’ll get everything you wish for.
Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.
Who really ever knows where life is going to take you.

This road called life is a long one and in the end, the journey is your destination.
Dazed Dreaming Jun 2018
When you're here with me, there's really no other place I'd dream to be.
Wrap yourself up in me.
Peel back your mind.
Lower your walls for just a short period of time. Tell me all your secrets, hopes, and dreams.

Tell me all the good things about you and all the bad things too.
Your disappointments and your fears.

Then as your shoulders soften and lower, and you feel that heavy weight you usually carry fade...
Hug me a little tighter, and let me love every inch of you, filling all the holes of your insecurities and all the things you think you lack.
(Explicit)

I couldn't tell you what it was...
Or what caused it...
I honestly hadn't thought about you much...
It was a first but it came in plenty.
It was like I forgot about you...
Even if only...

Briefly...

My theory is...
Yes, of course I have one...


In the wake of,
a recent devastation..
I was..
Quite vulnerable..
Teetering on hopelessness...

It was in the midst of all this,
That My,
Boss,
My Employer,
&
Friend,
Starts confiding in me for marital advice....

Seems harmless right??
I mean really...
Why the **** did I even care?

Why would these harmless insignificant things bring back so many memories.


I remember going home that evening...
Drinking wine on my little black sofa...
Looking out my window, as the rain began to sound against my window pane..

It was then, that I realized..
Something started stirring in me
...
I was missing you...

What the **** is wrong with me?

Why do familiar situations, have that pile of **** way of digging things up...
You've already buried ten feet deep?

I'm angry...

I'm ******* at myself!

I don't want to miss a man who doesn't miss me.
Whose not thinking about me.

I don't want to feel the icy sting in my heart knowing he never loved me.

How he got away Scott free.
Without pain or agony...

I don't want there to be some piece of you I always love or a special place in my heart, where you'll always stay...

Because you don't ******* deserve it.

You never deserved me...

You never indured...
The pain and agony...
You don't know what it feels like, to be suffering.

Having to go through what it feels like when, your heart gets even a whiff of something that's tied to your memory..

I hate that my heart still entertains this **** because I wanna be rid of everything that has your memory tied to it.
( I lost track of my journal entry number so this will just be journal Entry 1170 just sounds pretty.)


Sorry for the rant.
Dazed Dreaming May 2018
I know you might think life is unfair.
I know you might be frustrated and angry.
I know you feel like you can't get ahead sometimes.
I know you want fancy things.
I know you want to excel in life.
I know you may get lonely sometimes.
I know you miss your friends, all the people you once thought had your back that are now gone.
I know you may think, maybe you've had your happiness, with a man you once loved.. your first love, who took you for granted and took all your love.
I know you think there's nobody out there who could ever possibly love you.
I know there are days you doubt yourself. You think maybe this is all you'll become.
This is all I'll ever be.
Mediocre...
Living pay check to pay check where nothing in life is free.
Thinking I'll never amount to anything.


Dear future self listen carefully,

If I could I'd shake you silly.
I know life gets extremely hard, and there's nothing you can do about it....

Certain things, situations in our lives will be out of our control.

Except one thing.

Ourselves.

We can control how we choose to look at our lives. We control how we choose to react to certain situations, and the people in our lives.

So future self, when you find yourself... mind body heart and soul laying in the gutter with not even a glimmer of hope for better days, remember this if nothing else.

You are not your past, or what has happened to you there. Just because you went through it does not mean it defines who you are.

You can choose your own destiny if you never allow yourself to loose hope.

You are beautiful.
Worthy, and worthy of being loved by the right person.
You're not the ****** situation you may be in.
You can rise above any circumstance that has brought you to your knees because you are more than any obstacle or fear that has hindered your path temporarily.

You ******* got this, and I believe in you.


I love you,


Sincerely, future self
Just needed to write this
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