gut reactions
not indictive of how i feel
im calloused, hardened
cause it's all too real
shock factor
repulsion or appeal
you can't decide which
not that i can, either
i suppose it's an old trick
going back to the one you endeared

i am sorry
i'm not mature enough
to appreciate your situation
and you are too immature
to get out of it
both still kids,
who feel too strongly,
with longing

i am so lonely

i am too
prone to neuroticism
indecision
and using others
for gratification
at this point
i curb them
if i can

Alone
But I won't be, forever.
This feeling will go, too
Like you.

vain, narcissistic, materialistic
addicted to pain
playing around with
different sexes
and i love her
bright are the stars
dark is the sky
and even though they shine
it doesn't matter much to me

i got something to say
words that aren't mine
sweet lovely death
lovely death
one last caress
and you can
claim this carcass
another cadaver
for your collection

If it were mine-
I think of the past, time
Unpauses, and I'm brought back.
I'd never have;
Factors weigh too heavily, those
Strings that keep me attached.
Choose to come back.
Waters fall, the stream cascades
Flowing into itself
Over & over again

a lot of times
i feel i need to prove myself
constantly trying to
improve myself
and lose myself
in pursuing
maybe i need
more focus on my health

i can do it

Rest your head,
and dream a different dream.
What can we do?

Get up to run,
but no legs.
So, just tread water

Filling your lungs,
renege.
On promises you offered

Cause we're all the same;
That's the magic
The absolute splendor, the wonder

It's all mud
Messy people
Obscured in dirt
To bring you down under

I draw on cigarettes,
Doodle with resin-
Blisters on my fingers,
They all think I'm playin'.
The colors brown & red
Are escaped when I shut my eyes,
And when I turn my face inside
I'm fine with what I see.
It's not dark, pretty light-
It's all clear skies,
Even with a chance of showers
There's always a sunrise.

You fear what you do,
Happening to you,
But do it the same.

I say I need space
You throw it in my face
And show me we'll never speak again

I will always love you

I am an ethical capitalist and
A poor philanthropist-
And as for party,
I claim none.
This system is exactly what the founders warned of
Parties that pit parties against each other,
Who forget they are comprised of compatriots of the same nation.
Never swear off community
For the sake of security and comfortability
Because those that tell you that is the bargain we pay
They have shares in lies

narcissist
was scared to upset her
now i let her
despite how much it hurts
cause she's always in pain
i am hurting more now
than before
maybe i'm worse
who the hell knows

want to leave
let me breathe
but i don't
it's contradicting,
it just won't,
for sure
the cure
this flickering
spark, in my soul

you ever been shot?
so you turn to the guy next to you
and you stab him in the stomach?
that's what dating
with trauma feels like
you've sutured your wounds
till someone comes
and undoes it
soothed the thoughts that stew
till you chop in with a
couple carrots of discussion

i love the hard women
and soft men
who've let themselves fill rolls
supposedly not intended for them

What were the temples
Of the tribes, Judea
Brothels of slave Shepards
Of child lovers
And Christiandom was it's continuation, post revolt
Back it all goes back to Rome
Further back than that
To Greece
But ultimately the nomads who settled
In the land we call Egypt
These are the freaks
The monsters throughout history
Who eat of their own young and
Lay with them
Who manipulated what were the Pagans
Who continued on slavery, after the
End of its practice.
Cybele & Attis,
The cults that taught
Drugging as a tool
To manipulate behavior
Bend the rules, in their favor
Far off in Europe and since
The civil war, in America
And it was Truman's gang
That hijacked us
They have been hijacking
Various belief and countries,
For as long as there have been them.
We got back control
With some of us Americans getting in
And then they shot that young man
Going through Dallas, Texas
And ever since, it has been
Foreign elements pulling strings
Foul false Americans
Because they made of us
Of our conservative society
One of shame, one of privacy
Where normal people like you and me
Are afraid to speak out for what is right
In the face of ignorance
In the stead of savagery
They blackmailed and extorted our politicians
Right before our very eyes
I tell you, wake up
Be political, and only trust Americans
Including our southern siblings
Common people like us
Who merely wish to live free lives

Regal, reserved;
Jaundiced youth.
Reasoning mad,
The mind of an absurd,
Without Camus, with no Kierkegaard.
Knowledge gleamed from living hard,
The blurred tatters of the patchwork memory,
Loose sense of self,
And fragmented morals.
Abuses have left their scars.
I know you hurt,
When you cut yourself.

no, i care
but i have to end this
and thoughts of you
because
it's not a love you wish to pursue

Here, the wind whips
The desert sand
Into a furious haze
That blinds all in
It's vicinity

Here, my neighbor is
Dragged out and ******
And my other neighbor
Is drugged out, ******
Different burden, different labor

I pray,
On my knees
Toward the east.
I pray for change
I beg and plead,
Please

it was, first sight
and my heart was alight
my head was spent between pages
and lost in thoughts
leading a sad kind of celibate life
not that hands didn't reach out to hold
but their grip would feel loose
because only yours would be tight
wounds from abuse
stitches with a rusty needle
threading like barbed wire
i am bleeding
pulling them out
but i put them there
so i'll be alright
i've always been waiting
and feeling like a pathetic fool for it
so i just try to better myself
as i worsened

if i could do a thing for you
name it
if you have a price
i'll pay it
there ain't a thing too far flung
even give you the strings i strung
you just have to say it

i can say
there was a line
i believe i have crossed
from to which
there is never return

from henceforth
all things burn
from the fire inside
i've given turn

and i wonder
why i ever
kept it from feeding

i stop looking back
looking forward
moving in the present
turning over
my being to the moment

baltimore
i don't know what it's for
but i refuse to stand down
simply lay down, and die
ain't it hard just to live?

wish i could help you
you can
it's just not your duty
in your purview
and you extend no hand
it's like everyone else
it's pretend
so i say what they say
it's okay
i appreciate you thinking of me
it'll all work out in the end

central park
midnight
can't stand
to be in others' sight

Tread the mental waters to
Find the cave
Of hope and desire,
Of just things that are fair
And still grow in shade.
Hidden away, unless
You are brave
And face yourself.

it's all gas no brakes
full throttle
pedal to the metal
it's expansion
bigger is better
never large enough
it's big business
so many pitches
strikes are all you can expect
it's the rich
never full, ever hungry
for them
there is no rest

you'll take advantage
till the creekbed dries
crushing roses in your hand
and they would've wilted away
anyway,  you think you're so much bigger
I've got news for you
you can barely measure up
to the men next to you
you cut a small figure
and every time you open that mouth
all respect for you just dives south
***** no-good stinker

does it come out wrong for you
it comes out wrong for me
but i try to take the time
to mend what i say
into what i mean
but you never did
so i stopped
and let it all jet
out long

She said,
"I'm looking for someone,
Looking for something."
I asked,
"What is it?"
She replied,
"I can't exactly remember."
I questioned,
"How will you know you've found it?"
She said,
"It's something one can't forget,
Someone never forgotten."
I asked further,
"Well, who is it?"
She said,
"I don't really know,
But I think I've seen them before.
There's an image in my head
And an idea in my mind,
They feel innate to me."
"Are they, though?"
She didn't answer,
"I think if I just do
As my parents have done
And their parents have done,
I'll be all the closer."
I just shook my head and laughed.
"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you.
I just find it funny.
You say you're searching
For something or someone,
And you only have the slightest idea
Of what that is."
"I know, it's a bit silly."
"Why, they could be
Talking to you right now
And you would never know it then!"
"Maybe, maybe not.
I'd like to think
I would recognize it, recognize them."
"Well, you don't think
You're special do you?"
"No more so than anyone else."
"So, how would you know?"
"I guess I just believe,
I have faith in that
Hope shall deliver me.
I try my hardest
To be the best I can be,
I always try to be honest
And act respectfully.
I love with all my heart
And shelter it from nobody."

"Ah, but do you reach?
Do you search your mind
As much as the tangible world?
Perhaps what you're looking for
Can't be found
Without exploring within first.
Perhaps this is the only place
It exists.
Maybe it is a mystery
Confused with fantasy,
Maybe it is a fantasy
Confused with mystery.
Perhaps it can
Only be discovered
By any one individual.
Maybe by elusion,
Made by illusion.
Perhaps it is,
Perhaps it isn't,
Maybe you're just not worthy.
Perhaps you've already eclipsed it."
I had said.
"I'm looking for someone,
Looking for something."
I said.

"What is it?"
She said.
"It's something one can't forget,
Someone never forgotten."
I said.
"Yes, but who remembers?
And what memories?"
She said.
"It's something that can't be held,
But something one must hold.
It's something that can't be told,
But something one must tell.
It's like the melody of a song,
Like the lyrics sung.
It is only as old
As it is young."
I said.
"What is it?"
She said.

"What is it?"

Love is as to a dry well,
The heart akin to the empty bucket.
I would be convinced that this is hell,
Had I not tasted of heaven.
Is this a shadow realm?
Like mirrors' reflections?
Is there someone like myself?
Aching & longing for one to reach out?
True in their intentions?

his teeth were rotted out
but he left no time
for regret
for there is no regress
from the state he finds himself in

how it had come to this
boy, he didn't know
fervent drug use
frequenting their misuse
forget it
for tomorrow, is another day for worry

humbled by his lack of knowledge
beset, on knowing's acquisition
further than the last day
faster too
father lost himself to his ambition

were it easy, we would be so lucky
but, alas instead, here we're found
where our ground is scaffold
its tarrish glue fractured
the brown boards we walk, cracked
the whole thing creaking under its own weight
poised for collapse

It is not my people, who want war
It is these dogs from Europe
Who want to play us like pawns.
To their own ends,
They are corrupt.
They do not respect us,
Their leaders lead our politicians on.
It is not our fight, but our weapons
Off of our backs, the funds.
More money gone away to war, which
Shall never return in excess, if at all

and i am a speck of dust
and a dust mite
every aspect of the life cycle
i have seen
infinity
and witnessed
the birth of stars
their life, and death
event horizons
alien planets
out in the infinite ebony
of dark sea, space
covenants, washed with time
and gods long ago forgotten
tongues no longer wagged
i saw the tail tucked
i saw the eagle, spread
and i've bow-wowed
begging for a bone
been driven from my home
and was the one looking down
and when i was
i put my boot to their throat

Do not forget
Being shown a true face
Likewise, sides previously unacquainted.

5:30, 4:30 -
Up ever earlier.
40, 50, 60
Pages of the encyclopedia open.
All with tabs,
Of the many windows, pages, & folders.
Through the looking glass,
Roaming far & near as an extraterrestrial.

What galavants as another,
Stuck out
Always staring in?
What sparks,
What smothers?
To capture a view,
Only to envision?
Walks the tightrope of light;
Cleaving night, like rays of a beam?
Put together by others,
Yet lacks a seam?
Has power, that
Blossoms only as a flower?
Looks upon the empty,
To see something?

Who knows nothing?

Our love,
Are our hearts
Just written in the sand?
To be washed away with the tide.
Or will it withstand?
The test of time.

What will the horizon bring us?
I wonder,
Can you feel my heart?
In dawns of days gone,
In coming eves of twilight;
When I said
I shall always love you,
I meant it.
And days now start
Within a sky where there is no sun,
Within the dark of night, no stars;
Inside of me there is light
All formed from the memories
Of two kids in love, young.
Spiderwebs still entrap
Yet the venom is tapped-
How I wish I was still poisoned.

What are the point to these words?
To anything of language?
For the same could be said
Of all of which we do;
For understanding,
For that is care.
That I want to hear,
To want to share,
That I wish I were there.
To express my love for you,
What that is my love for life.
That I lived & it was good.
What I think-
There were negatives,
But I developed my own pictures.

you may not be
but i am giving up
cashing in
it's all been so much
i can't breathe
enough is enough
heavy
like scent of
rot

I take good advice
Even if I don't like the source,
Because I trust in knowledge
And in the pursuit of more.
I think for myself,
Because I cannot allow others to;
Evidently, not many do.
I place my respect, like I place my trust-
As to how I pay-
When it has been earned.

i'll do the duties
due to the son
but don't expect me to like you father
when you're bitter and mean
and ignorant, unwilling to learn
when you pride yourself in your superficiality
treating me like **** you stepped in
keep it up
we'll see who's around
in the twilight of your life

Relationships are *******
I want to burn every bridge I have,
Leave nothing but carcasses.
I have nothing left to give

cast
condemned to the depths
to look up at the blue overhead
where waves crash
gulls streak the sky,
and sun sit high
down there
in wait
to attract
the unfortunate
passerby

One never really knows the need of friends till they're alone
When there's no one to ring and not a text on the phone
No joy to be shared, no dialing noise
just a tone
Pinocchio, you're fine on your own

feel empty
after pushing everyone away
they gave you plenty
but you turned your back
and headed the other way
it wasn't meant to be
or some other saying
where you can dodge blame
loving was lovely
when i didn't need to use my head
all heart, no brawn & no brain

Love given, but not taken, is not love un-received;
You have love to give,
That is something.
Whether their heart is open
To the souls' hymns
Your words sing,
The song is never wasted-
But goes through changes,
As the renewal of spring.