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CarolineSD Mar 20
I love you more than the infinite Curvature of space and time
More than every star in the sky
More than all light combined,
As much as the auburn
Sunset of your eyes
Touches every corner of my soul
When   you    look    at    me.

I love you deeper than the rough-cut Canyons of the
Colorado River,
Deeper than the heated core at the
Center of the earth,
Farther than galaxies expanding,
E  n  d  l  e  s  s  l  y,
And more than every diamond
Deep in the ground

is worth

The universe and its natural elements
Are miraculous and magnificent,
Part of the mysteries we may never Understand,
And yet; somehow,
Something that feels stronger and
More beautiful
E  x  i  s  t s
In the small space between our hands,

Your fingertips interlaced with mine
Your enveloping warmth pressed
Against my skin,
Inside
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eii-RNzqHQ
Nothing but everything,
I fall into you tonight.
Mar 13 · 267
Catch the Rain
CarolineSD Mar 13
I am clinging to you like a steady rain into my palms,
On my knees, in the damp ground,
Putting my entire soul into the act of
Never dropping our love
Never letting it fall like something that is not treasured
Beyond all measure.

Your touch cascades across my face like
Rain in August, when it is
Still warm, and honest, and true
And we are bathing in a storm that is immeasurably beautiful,
Exceeding words, exceeding all of our attempts to define;
To contain it.

Our love rushes like a torrent of wild rivers to the sea
And we are blind to its source and where
it leads,
So, I am here grasping at water as it seeps through my hands,
Trying to control that which I never can.

I don’t want to lose you.

I don’t want to lose you.

I don’t want to lose you.

These doctors come and go
And the testing was good and did not show the worst
Malignancies,
And if we monitor and test and treat
and treat and monitor and test,
I may never have to watch you
Fight for your life in a
Hospital bed.

And yet, as I sit in each, cold waiting room
I know
There is only so much we can do to break the flow
Of the rain,
When the skies open up and say,
It’s time to go.

Still, I will hit my knees in the flooding ground,
Arms locked tight around your neck,
And I will tell them, firmly, and without end:

No!
No!
No!

.
I will fight forever for my husband. Fight for his health, his well being. Fight against a system that wants to brush people off. Fight for diagnosis and treatment. Fight against time. A losing battle for all of us. It becomes more real when a loved one has a major medical issue, but I will never give up. In sickness and in health. I will be steadfast through all of it. Wesley, I love you more than every star in the sky.
CarolineSD Dec 2023
She ran until she felt only the deep burn of harshly inhaled and exhaled air raking across the exhausted pathways of her throat and lungs; until she started to see dark spots flitting in and out of her vision and her legs felt like numb pillars of concrete.

She ran on and on with small branches and sharp thistle grabbing at her arms, legs and face, leaving a sense of rubbed sand across her exposed skin.

She pummeled forward, ignoring the death of all feeling in her body, ignoring her heart’s desperate thudding, ignoring the throbbing of blood in her temples screaming, “STOP!” She deafened her ears to her own body and ran on and on, ignoring the dank, putrid mud that kicked up onto her calves and thighs.

She ran and ran and ran until, like a figure underwater, her legs ceased to yield any force against the ground and she sank, floating down, down, down to the black forest floor, first knees, then hands that could not hold her, and finally, her head thudding against the ground with an explosion of stars and the undeniable sense of giving up.

It found her soon enough. Breaking through the thick branches by the old river’s edge, it stood on four trembling legs, panting and salivating. Blood, it smelled blood. The scent was overpowering and beautiful beneath the thin skin of the gaunt little girl. She would be a meager meal, but it was desperate.

Its eyes shone yellow and ravenous through the falling dusk. The others soon followed in a rough pack of visible ribs and gray fur falling out in clumps and eyes dulled from starvation; whimpering and sniffling, too weak to gather their voices in song. The cold night reeked of the memory of wolves once strong enough to howl across the valley, a rising and falling chorus, breaking from the forest to the stars.

Alas, it was all but gone now, along with the morning birds and the great bodies of bears, motionless and decaying like ancient boulders within the belly of the woodlands and the rock-strewn foothills.

The girl was still conscious as the pack began its desperate feasting on barely more than bones.  Everything was barely more than bones, and feeble breath now, and the light that dimmed in the girl’s eyes was barely more than the snuffing of a weak candle. Everything was giving up.

All that remained on earth was red. The red. The RED. Across newsfeeds, and newspapers, and on people’s lips and endless posts on Facebook and Twitter: The RED. By the time it flew across the web, across the world, in people’s questions and conversations, it was already inextricable; already incurable. It came bit by bit. It came like venom, or repressed rage, or revenge, or justice, or Holy War. It came barely perceptible or visible, until it was everywhere and in everything, and by then, it was too late. By then, we were unredeemable.

It began with genocide and our blindness to it; the tipping point of humanity, when the sun-clad holy spirit, the Great Spirit in all things, bowed Her head and wept vast galaxies of tears, tears like falling stars, like the sound of space and time collapsing, because She saw. SHE SAW.

She saw little children with broken limbs, with bones jutting from knees, and skulls crushed like shattered, fragile flowers; little children in the arms of screaming mothers, little bodies piled upon bodies, bloodied and battered, and held up for the world to see, as if broadcast across a slideshow in the sky, and SHE SAW,

She saw the Leaders of Great Wealth and Great Power, turn their heads away and feign blindness, and from their lips SHE HEARD THEM SAY, over and over, “collateral damage.”

And She watched as the Great Leaders learned that they could horrifically, indiscriminately, and brutally slaughter the masses of little wealth and little power, as easy as culling stray dogs.

She saw that there would be no CONSEQUENCES, only “consequences;” consequences like the protests of hundreds of thousands of powerless people, or the boycotting of corporations, corporations owned by the Leaders of Great Power and Great Wealth who sat on their fat offshore bank accounts and outlasted the masses.

The masses needed food, the masses needed shelter, the masses needed healthcare, and the corporations controlled IT ALL.

Eventually, the masses would capitulate. Eventually, they would fall in line. Eventually, they did.

And that is how the Great Spirit in all things, the light of all lights, the wind through the stars, the essence of being, the sacred web of all things, began to tremble, to fall apart, to weep, to release the grief we should have ALL felt for our own cruelty, for our own capitulation to darkness.

She did it for us,

Weeping RED, a tinted light, a bitter water. Slowly, we felt it, tasted it, smelled it. We began to watch the slow dissolution of being. Leaves fell and never returned. Fat shrunk on our bodies and snow melted to rock, to pebbles, to sand, to sand in the wind, blowing away. We are called back to the beginning.

Dissolution in the red tears of God.

I watched the desperate wolf eat his very last meal. None of us had very long. He peered at me with hollowing, haunted, yellow eyes, but he had no more will to run, to fight, to ****.  The cruelty of his last hunt could not match our own cruelty to one another. One was born of desperation and hunger; the other of greed.

Greed ended our Great Dominion, and it will never return. Now, I lean my head against the giant body of a Ponderosa Pine; a pine that is yellowing and dying. I look out across the wild cliffs into the reddening sky. I have little energy left to stand. We are fading into nothingness. I ask a final question to the void below:

Grandmother, spirit of all things, heart of all hearts, the light of all lights, the wind through the stars, the essence of being, the sacred web of all things, after us, after we are all but a light and scattered dust, is there a bright dawning beyond this dissolution, this nothingness?

The wind carries a gentle voice:
"Yes."
Nov 2023 · 438
Dream Baby
CarolineSD Nov 2023
You said you saw our baby last night,
The one we will never have;
Our dream baby.

I was holding her
Against my shoulder
Blanket pulled up around her little head
And I turned to you and said something banal,
Like grab the bottle from the fridge, darling.

And we have found each other beyond
The years of babies.
You have yours and I have mine, already,
And they have all reached the far side  
Of dog-tired  
Midnight dream feeds
In a cedar rocking chair.

You and I have both already been
There;

This continent we will never walk together.

But I feel her now,
Our dream baby,
In everything.

She rests there in the gentle way you caress my face
As starlight plays across the blankets.
She clings close to your laughter,
Curled inside your fervent and unrelenting
Belief in me.

And in the mirrored chambers of your hazel eyes,
When I am laid beside you and softly
Humming my mother’s
Oldest
Lullaby;
It is there, I can feel her smile,
Our dream baby,

A love beyond ages,
A sacred creation
Between your soul and mine.
A dream my husband had the other night. We won't have our baby, but we have created, so entirely, something sacred.
CarolineSD Nov 2023
“So there stood Matthew Arnold and this girl
With the cliffs of England crumbling away behind them,
And he said to her, "Try to be true to me,
And I'll do the same for you, for things are bad
All over, etc. etc." - Anthony Hecht

All I have ever been,
Is a girl
With the heart of a flower
Red in the hurricane winds
Red through the dust
That disguises the slaughter.

I can still see the bodies,
Red on the broken streets,
Red on the surface of the sea
Red on the plains that are rapidly darkling

And the ignorance is markedly
Growing.

The children bleed out in Aleppo,
in Gaza, Darfur, Yemen, Caracas, more;
Tiny bodies pressed between bricks
Like little flowers crushed in hard bindings,
Or innocence impaled on the blades of
Savagery and shame,

Like so many
Crucified prophets.

The puppeteers of these armies are

Irrevocably  

*******

Heartless;

Yet, let the wildflowers bloom
Reclaim the humanity that is ours to
Own. I command my heart to open like a sunflower to the moon.

We can’t ever give up.
We must keep standing
For all who are falling, kicked down the cliffs on bleeding knees,
Crawling.

Dig into the dust;
Plant a flowering heart in these arid crossings:

Grow here

Bright fields of compassion.

Let them bloom red,
Like our open hearts
Beating for our sons and daughters.
Redid this one in light of current events. Breaking my heart on a daily basis.
Jul 2023 · 954
Honor
CarolineSD Jul 2023
I speak with my own voice,
But at my shoulder,
An unconquerable army,
Quiet, ready.

And that army is his heart.
#forwesley
CarolineSD Apr 2023
Millions of years before you and I and us and all of this…noise
Smog-laden cities and
Urgency spoken between mothers and daughters
And lovers in candlelit cafes on the backstreets of New York
and the arrondissements of Paris.

Long before entangled masses of roads and seaways and Boundaries imagined in the sky
Birthed kingdoms and countries and fidelities,
People kneeling under colored flags lifted high and prominent
Above a world created only by the insatiable torrent of the human Mind.

Long before us.

Before any man
Measured time.

Back

In the quiet

Moons before a single footstep of monster or man trod
In the primeval night,
Deep in the silence of fire and ice,
Of primordial tundra frozen and burned.

There;

They emerged,
Languid and light in the depths of the sea.
Tentacles twisting  
Through the untainted currents of endless and pristine
Precambrian oceans.

And there they pushed through the waters of time
And waited.

And there they were satiated on the ebb and flow of the tides
And the cries of ancient sea birds across
The open waves.

Long the earth’s first and peaceful creations
Abided down below.

But we have fed them our venom
Born of angst and rage
Leached from our endless need for control of all things
And they have grown fat on the chemicals spawned
From our own greed
Trash thrown across the meadows of the deep.

And they feasted on our poison and grew mammoth and strong
And one bright day broke high above the surface of the waters
And reached down with tentacles bright as the sun’s rays
To illuminate all that we had done
And left us strewn across the land

Stung

Humbled,

And vanquished.
The start of a collaborative art project with my other half, inspired by humanity's destructive nature and a War of the Worlds aesthetic.
CarolineSD Apr 2023
With my head tilted back and laughing
Because we’re singing along
At the top of our lungs
Tiny Dancer
In the frozen food aisle
With my heart just beating wild
Because you wrap your arms around me
All warm and tight
And tell me how beautiful I am
Though we’re pushing a shopping cart
Under fluorescent lights
And you don’t care who sees or who knows
How much you love me
And with my fingers outstretched against the wind
Flying down the highway
With the windows open wide
And we are singing again
And you never tell me to be quiet.

Late at night
When the bright,
Desert sunset of your eyes
Still cuts through the half-light
You let me spill my heart
Softly against your neck
And your words are like
Warm gems pulled from a treasure chest
In a child’s dream.

And this is how I love you
All open-hearted, safe, and
Free.
More to come.
CarolineSD Apr 2023
When all the diamonds of your laugher
Have fallen to the sea
I will step off the northern cliffs
And drown
Just to bring them close to me.
More to come.
CarolineSD Feb 2023
I am safe here,

With your inked hands tracing up and down my spine
And my cheek tucked against your neck,
The fan above us undulating in dark space
A whoosh, whoosh repeating
With each breath you take and

The music lightly plays and plays.

You tap the drumlines against my
Shoulder blades
And hum softly
With your face against my face

And I am safe.

And you tell me
“There are not enough words
To say
How much I love you,”
And it is like my heart falls right
Through my skin
And I say I love you
Again and again and
Again.

I curl up and let you hold me like a precious gem

And until the unseen end

We are safe.

It is only time that will betray
And only time that can wrench you away
And even then I will fight each dying day

And like your seeking hands along my spine
Under blankets streaked by a
Distant moonlight,
I will seek you across the river to the other side
And hold your spirit

Safe

In that

Forever night.
Wes.
Sep 2022 · 1.7k
Detachment
CarolineSD Sep 2022
Detachment
Is the ultimate form of ecstasy,
Or so it is said.
To cut loose the veins that thread
From eye to heart and hand
From child to father
Through plots of earth
Across memories
And gardens
And cities
And lands

To exist alone
An island
Strong
And eternal.

Tied only to the whims of
God.

But my love,

I cannot

I cannot

I cannot

Here in the gently,
Drifting dark
I cannot feel where my breath ends,
And yours,

It starts.

You have fed my soul like music

And I will starve without you.
If only we were vampires, I would still love you every single day with the desperation of mortality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyiEJaf-IzE
CarolineSD Jul 2022
Every night I am here
In this quiet darkness,
Reaching out for you.

And you move into me
Like water
Like moonlight
Like gentle things that never force
Or abuse.

How strong and beautiful
Is your love for me,
As if I have never been used,
Like fire to the wreckage
I have been through,
Steadily erasing these wounds
Like new meadows
Across decimated bones;
The scorched forests of
My soul.

We are building something lush
And beautiful,
With the strength of red woods and
The eternity of the sea,

Something as real as our children's Laughter echoing across the sands
Of this sun-soaked beach.

There is nothing but hope
As far as I can see
And your brave vulnerability;
Your unfaltering belief in me
And all that I am, and was,
And could be.

Wesley, I will love you forever and I
Will hold your heart in my hands,
And I will hold you together

In the same way
That you hold me
Like the rarest treasure.

Every day I can feel

The way that we will

Forever

Heal

Each other.
It only took me forty years to find you.
May 2022 · 733
Hands Made for Music
CarolineSD May 2022
Play me like a bass guitar
With your hands
Made for music.

Brush me with your artist's touch
Along these invisible scars that used to
Hurt so much.

Just,

Hold me forever.

Draw out my smile
Like colors on skin
Like a drumbeat that tells the melody
Where to begin.

Heal me again and again
With your hands
Made for music.

You said I steady your mind and remind you of all the reasons why
You can believe in yourself.

My love, know that I
Will always lift you up,
And hold your hands
Made for music.

I am falling like the most beautiful Refrain
When you tangle your fingers
In my hair and
Whisper my name.

Every day, there is a song being written,
Chords that rush across a
Never-ending rhythm.
It is the story of a boy
With the heart of a musician
And a girl
Who will love him
Forever.
Wesley, I love you.
Apr 2022 · 1.6k
Inlet
CarolineSD Apr 2022
Every bend of a mountain stream
Has an inlet somewhere,
A little warm corner where the
Currents churn slow
And soft
Across the water worn rocks.

And notice how the river's things
Quick darting fish and splintered
Sticks all come to rest
For a moment in the rhythm of this Gently swirling space
That gives freely of her embrace
Before everything goes drifting on and
On to where it is supposed to go
Waterways to the raging sea
And beyond.

And I am an inlet.

I do not know how to turn cold and
Resist each time
Love comes close.
No, I reach out to gather and to hold.

But yet, it is always only passing
Through and like the gentle bend of a Mountain river, I must let go.

So it is
Every time
I find myself alone.

Sitting by the banks of a
Rushing river
Listening to the whisper of the water That sounds like

Ghosts.
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.
-Johnnie Cash
Jan 2022 · 1.4k
Enchanted Spirit
CarolineSD Jan 2022
She strikes the keys with shaking hands
Letting the tears spill out
Trying to capture everything she is scared to lose;
To paint him
Or her
And this star-filled night
Before it dies
Before it dies
Before it dies

But, beautiful one,
The glory is not out there for you to grasp
Like sand through broken glass.
You are not subject to the magic of the muse
Or the heart-tones of his laugh.

Your magic enchants these forms against an ordinary
Gray horizon.

The light was always yours.

The exquisite power of your words is yours
And not ours to dictate,
Nor to own.

What we see bled across the paper
Isn't just the majesty of the things
You love,
But the beautiful mystery of your own, tremendous spirit and its
Giving capacity to love
Coloring an open tundra.

So write on, poets,
As you feel compelled by the music of your soul
Write on and never let anyone demean
Or control
The visions that are yours,
Built and translated through the glory of your own
Enchanted
Spirit.
I always thought the magic came from them, but suddenly, I realized,
it came from me.
A letter to myself
A letter to you, poets.
Nov 2021 · 1.6k
Spirit Boy
CarolineSD Nov 2021
All is quiet and
All is still
And the thick curvature of these hills
Rolls on against a starlit November night.

Spirit boy
Draw me in
Hands gentle as the midnight wind
Caress the contours of my chest
Like earth against my skin

Or flames that lick
And bend.

You are born where mountains begin
And your soul is both stone and sky
And quiet laughter ringing through the infinite galaxies
Of your eyes.

Spirit boy
I can feel
Your heart is beating

Wild

And I am pressed against your wildness like a desperate tide

And I will spread and rise and crest and break
Against your hardened precipices like the raging river
Against the rocks.

And when
From the highest perch above the valley
The
Hawk
Takes
Off
And the untamed horses run

I will grip these sheets and scream

And lose my breath
When you press into me,
Trembling,
Like a heavy mallet
On the sacred drum.
I have known you long and not at all, wild one.
Nov 2021 · 954
Razor Edged Hands
CarolineSD Nov 2021
Now the winter reaches in with
Razor edged hands,
Clasps the browning leaves
And yanks the last remnants of
Summer down
To the chilling ground
And I am like a forgotten August sunset
Dripping tears of crimson and gold
Along the gray horizon
And the earth is shifting slow,
Turning away

From a love that could have been

If there ever was an eternal summer
As gardens set deep within
The Misty Mountains
A certain holiness repressed
Beneath the depths of impenetrable glacial walls.

I have called for your voice across the frigid tundra
But it is as lost
As it ever was.

The songbirds cry

And oh, how I have known them long
A little girl
Reaching for their hearts behind the ephemeral whispers
Of the song

Winter’s fog descends like burial cloth  
And they are gone.
Nov 2021 · 734
Them Damn Beasts
CarolineSD Nov 2021
Them **** beasts
Hunt our cattle
Picking out the weak.
Go get your rifle, son.
Go fetch your boots.
Those *******
Look best skinned
And ******
Across the bed
Of this old truck.

I nod along with them.
I plod along with them to get the guns;
Isn't this necessary,
After all?

But inside my soul
I feel a dark night spreading
No, not sinister
But sweet.
The stars above like scattered drifts
Of snow spilled in the wind and crunching under
Loping feet.


And I am standing on a narrow ridge
And listening.
Hidden like some ephemeral thing,
Like sweetgrass burning in the wind;
Listening.

And I can feel them rising.
I can hear them crying,
A ghostly sobbing.
Falling on my knees
I call them.

To the draw they run!
Run!
Like so many mothers clutch their young
And all the warriors toss their guns
And still the cavalry descends,
Run!

Across the creek and trailing blood, she runs.
Singing her howling song, she runs.
Howling her death song, she runs.  

And in one last act of desperation falls.

I see them drag her carcass up the draw.

And in the truck, they’re laughing,
Humming, slapping knees, and spitting,
Like some celebratory release.  

In my head, a single phrase:
Them **** beasts.
Bringing this one back How we slaughter beautiful things for our own security.
Sep 2021 · 668
Bare
CarolineSD Sep 2021
With such cold rigidity some are able to carefully build these walls
And I try to imitate the craft,
But alas, my heart is far too soft.

When darkness falls, gently, across these open plains of
Windswept grass
It takes nothing but a single breath to
Lay my spirit bare,
Fingers of the starlit night reaching into the wild
Tangles of my hair.

And how easily I let these barriers
Fall all the way
Down

All the weight I’ve carried upon my shoulders dropped,
Just like that,
Just like a soft and silken gown
Strewn across the cooling evening ground.

And how I also crumble and fold,
How these painted walls
They do not hold

Because I am not afraid of love
And I beg the floodwaters to roll like raging
Oceans whipped by cyclonic storms
And I bend into the breaking of the stones
And my heart is screaming
Let them fall!

No, I do not try to cage this eternal seeking of my soul, so

Let them fall

Let them fall

I will always turn towards the sunlit warmth of love,
Arms reaching forever out
Though it may be better to arm these walls,

I will always let them fall.


I live breathless and free in the breaking.
That's what love feels like
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRGGUd3m/
Aug 2021 · 5.3k
Stardust Core
CarolineSD Aug 2021
Though she once,
At the moment of her birth,
Shone with immeasurable light, 
Unadulterated, unremitting, unashamed
Breaking the barriers of time and space
Wide-eyed emerging into that very first day
Unwrapping the shadowed arms of the other side

Though she proclaimed
I am here!
Like the brightest star,
Speaking with her spirit alone

Having not yet lost
The language of God

Though she was at that moment
Lifted into her place
Embraced by vast, light-laden arcs
Cast just right
A speck of hope within the wide
Galaxy of life

Though she emerged bright
And sure,

She fell

She plunged through a darkness that stole it all
Light years of cold
Voices that battered the
Stardust core
Of her soul

Until one day
At the edge of some endless abyss
She turned and tried to find her own star amongst the farthest
Reaches of the night sky,
Eyes seeking in the black,
And at last perceived the faintest glow,
A tiny spark from so many, many years ago,
A remnant of a little girl she once knew.

But the pain is just too far
And the cruel wind slaps at her reaching arms
And so she just steps back and lets herself fall
Away

Away from the light.

Away from it all.
For my mom, for me, for all. How the darkness can carry us so far. Away. I still believe we were born of light, once.
Jul 2021 · 724
I cannot ever truly love.
CarolineSD Jul 2021
I cannot ever truly love but
Fail. I call out now to silent graves.
Prayers cut rivers down my face and
I ask them to rise, rise, rise,
Spread fragile wings and fly!
Lift, like vibrant monarchs against the sky,
But the stars are a deaf glory
Across a moonless night
That cannot speak,
And these tears they only fall,
Dropping heavy and useless to the floor.

I am bleeding from the very tributaries of my soul,

Cry these words out into the stillness of the room,

And I thought you might hear.

I hold your picture to the beating of my heart
But there is only silence
And the endless, imperceptible wall.

You are just too far, too far, too far.

I am an utter failure;
Calling out to ghosts who were
Never there at all.
Jul 2021 · 2.0k
Storm-whipped
CarolineSD Jul 2021
I let this wilderness excavate my soul
Hard edged rain thrown from a raging sky
Cuts quick across the exposed contours of my neck
Hair gathered and whipped across my eyes
And I will kneel in this dirt and beg to
Be stripped down to the throbbing core
Of what it is that
We really are.

A crack of mountain thunder
Vibrates along my spine
And the wind even bends the tallest bodies of the pines
Who reach their trembling arms high
Above the cliffs
And I am still clutching at the darkened sand at the edges of this
Storm-whipped lake
Heart beating wildly, half-afraid
Of the violent power of this wild space.

But here, finally, in ecstasy,
Like one released,
I find that I am face-to-face
With the missing pieces of my soul
Cut off in jagged edges
From the day that I was born,
And it is only in the presence of haunted,
Exposed wilds
Sometimes high in these cliffs,

And sometimes in someone’s eyes,

That I find myself again.

And so, like one who is often blind,
I extend my hands out into the darkness
Fingertips aching to find
Another spirit that is formed of mountain storms and
Rages wild.
Is it a blessing or a curse to always feel the rushing
of love beneath it all?

"There's a craving that will never come to pass
There's a hunger that will never cease to last
There's an aching that lies deep within my soul
For the promise that someday I could be whole."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCxQiJtmSGk
Jun 2021 · 1.2k
Ceremonial
CarolineSD Jun 2021
There is such thing as a healing round.
I won’t explain in detail as
A person does not speak of
Sacred things,
As if to assign form to what is
Better left
Shifting through the wind
Like the breath of God.

Better left to those whose
Ancestors passed down the songs
That shall not be sung in winter.

But I will speak of the
Splitting of my skin
At a feather’s edge
Bone whistle call,
Walls dissolved
And all the grief came pouring out.

Bent over, arms clutched across my Chest, sobbing now,
Tears wet the earth.

I finally allow in
The presence of my mother’s death

And a broader mourning
That I cannot define.

There is such thing as a healing round.

I am walking now
Footsteps quiet on the cathedral floor,
Faces in stained glass
Watching from lofty spires of marble and slick, gray stone.
Do their eyes follow my small, hesistant form?

I do not frequent churches and prefer to come alone

To enter a silence
In which all of the suffering
That this world
Has ever borne
Hangs heavy
Suspended in the resonance of
Great, imposing halls,
Vast oceans of sorrow, and here too,
Something that carries and lifts;

Perhaps, the love of God.

Heal us and forgive us
In our blindness
Take my hand and show me,
Again, the sunlit road
Where we can be found.

There is such thing as holy ground.

The water knows
Rushing between the rocks,
Between the wild, greening cliffs
Where gently a little Robin flits
And perches on the tangled brush
Beside the shore.

You belong here, she sings,
You belong
You belong

And there is such thing as holy ground

Always within it beauty
And a great sadness looming

And how is it that so few can trace the outlines of its form
Beneath the skin,
But you can
You can
You can?
Jun 2021 · 1.4k
Blue Lake
CarolineSD Jun 2021
By the shores of an alpine lake
Newly thawed
Sun bright and full of an early summer’s
Hopefulness
I watch the goslings waddle
To the lapping edge of the water.

Their mother eyes me, but
Notes that I am
Not a threat.

And I am not a threat.

I tell her softly that she should pass
And I will not throw rocks
Or chase her off
Like so many do
As if we have some greater claim to this
Blue lake
And the evergreen forests
That surround it
Than all of the wild things that quietly adjust their days,
Trace a slightly wider arc,
Around the cacophonous noise we make,

Before slipping quickly up, up and away
Into the thickness of a wilderness
Rife with ponderosa pines
And a crisp silence
Broken only by the wind
And the bird songs
That are the first to speak
Of the winter’s end.

And I prefer to listen
And look often
To the farthest contours of the foothills against the sky,
Borne away from even my own voice that
Seems to demean the purity of things
Free and
Wild.

And time,
A gentle drifting
Like a body on the surface of the lake
Drawn out to the center when
The tide is just right
Pulls me away from these cities we make
Inside our minds
To justify the way we think our lives
Mean more than hers;

Just a mother leading her young ones to take a drink,

And I will never stop her;

The spirit of honest things.

No, I hand her my heart to take to the center of this blue lake
And let it sink like a rock to the dark,
Cool depths where it belongs,

From whence it came.
Mar 2021 · 883
Every Fiber of my Being
CarolineSD Mar 2021
And there is the stillness of the endless sleep
Tucked deep beneath the winter’s snow
Curled within the thickness of the earth
Released from sadness
Released from pain

Released

Released

Released

A consciousness freed to slip
Back into that vast ocean from whence it came,
Just like the way that stars exchange their lives in one,
Final dispersal of glorious light,
For the welcoming silence of a galactic night.

But then there is this cry
That falls and cuts hard and long right down the inner backbone of
My soul
And how it screams,
“No!”

And how in one, single moment, I know with such clarity that

I don't want to go.

And I can barely hold all of this love
In my hands
And I grasp at it while it overflows like a raging river and I am
Clutching at
Each precious memory,
Soaked in the undeniable surety

That I love all of this more than I could ever say

And I want to save each fractured second of it all;
Tiny arms around my neck
Mommy goodnight
The way the snow glints off the distant, highest peaks
As the new Dakota sun begins to climb
And the way I can snake my steps along ridges lined with conifers
And find the highest rocks,
Climbing to where the hawks glide below
In the open spaces above the cliffs
Where the alpine slopes roll and roll
To horizons made of crimson sunset and gold.

And I know that this is home;

Like the first notes plucked of the most beautiful chord,

Or the way my breathing ebbs and flows
Like a gentle river that the painted mountains hold
In a quiet grace
When I lay my face
Against your chest

Or every time I hear your voice.

And I want to hold on
To all of this
And I don’t want to let go
And how can I ever rip the very fabric of my soul
And just fade away,

Let go?

Every fiber of my being screams out “no!”
There are times that slap me in the face and make me realize how soul shatteringly much I don't want to lose; how desperately I love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wriI9cCCfXo
"I began to hear my name
And silence in a hurricane
The dust was leaving from my veins
Like some forgotten border train
Carried to my home again"
Feb 2021 · 980
Not for this world.
CarolineSD Feb 2021
Within the expansion of time and space
Are designs of such grace and fragility
That a minuscule slip in the balance of cosmic,
Nuclear forces,
An imperceptible alteration of the alchemy that is creation
And there would have been nothing and no one to speak of
What it is

“To exist.”

Yes, there is some kind of faultless synchronicity,
A precision fit that
Holds all of

This

The exquisite symmetry of our spiraled, star swept galaxy.

And yet,
Among all of these elements, these forces, these pieces and
Fragmented masses
That seem to find a beautiful, celestial

“Fit,”

I cannot say the same for my own spirit.

I do not think I was well-made for this world.

If there is a home,
A warm place to actually rest
A lighted space in which my heart will not race
And continuously break
As things of substance reveal a mundane emptiness;
The charade behind this endless parade of life,

And when I kneel between the silent pines,
Just by the rushing brook,
And I think I can hear God speak,
If there might be a time that this voice would actually break
Through the deafness of common day,
So that, just once, I could maybe,
Truly understand what it is trying

To say,

And if I could just push the veil away and curl up within
The kind of love that stays;

Then, maybe I would think that I was made by the same forces of Creation that wax and wane the tides;

That beautifully align

The stars.

But right now it feels like any home is very far

Away  

And while, perhaps, there are spirits made just for this place,

I do not know if I belong

Anywhere

At all.
"As you tune your radio, there are certain frequencies where the circuit has just the right resonance and you lock onto a station...Oxygen can be formed by combining helium and carbon nuclei, but the corresponding resonance level in the oxygen nucleus is half a percent too low for the combination to stay together easily. Had the resonance level in the carbon been 4 percent lower, there would be essentially no carbon. Had that level in the oxygen been only half a percent higher, virtually all the carbon would have been converted to oxygen. Without that carbon abundance, neither you nor I would be here."
- Astrophysicist, Hugh Ross

Isn't it funny that within all of the grand design of the universe that created worlds upon worlds and the very possibility of life, sometimes we can feel so ill-fitting? :(
Jan 2021 · 1.2k
Jerusalem
CarolineSD Jan 2021
A dark sun pulls heavily within
These long minutes of isolation
A vortex opens
A chasm in the lungs
And it makes the abrasive air thin.

I am breathing shallowly like one
Feral thing caught in a trap
Nowhere to run
And thus forced to rest right next
To the parts of myself that I hate
The parts that can’t escape their own
Internal blankness
Though they faintly remember how to sing or

The remote and shadowed trail to Jerusalem

Call me home
There is music in the bones of the forest
And the wild reeds are dancing on

The banks of Babylon  

We should not fall and
Lay our desecrated souls across an altar of darkness;

No, if you listen very carefully at the precipice of dawn,

There, where the mountains lift the thickened fog into a brightening sky

There is still the quiet drum of hope
And the flutter of so many unbeaten hearts
Like butterflies reborn

Dancing

~
Inspired by this uplifting song out of South Africa. To me, it brings a sense of finding hope, finding a home for our worn souls <3 The words are in Zulu and mean “Jerusalem is my home, rescue me, walk with me, do not leave me here, come with me, walk with me” and these little dancers are a dance crew from Kampala, Uganda <3<3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euOJw3v7R6w
Dec 2020 · 905
Wind like Rain
CarolineSD Dec 2020
I could say that it is burning in fire
Churning in great waves of charged ions
Like those which lift in monumental drifts from the surface of the sun;

A solar wind within.

I might succumb to the raging of the flames
Turn my face to the sky
And tremble beneath fingers that
Dance like the northern lights
Across the tundra of my skin.

My heart might thunder like horses born of fire
Hooves drumming across the curves of space and time,
Along the arching of my spine
Pressed to your chest.

Or is it not flame at all,

But a wind like rain?

My hands falling across the contours of your face
And how some memory of sadness cascades inside my soul,
Like in some forgotten time,
I lost you before,
And how I can never lay close enough
And the rain it falls and falls and falls
And how I tuck my cheek into your neck

And I just want to stay.
Dec 2020 · 594
Patterns on the water
CarolineSD Dec 2020
I remember letting my fingers trail through the cool
Surface of the water,
While the canoe
Skimmed and skimmed
Across the inky stillness of the lake.

Quiet and the sun not yet fully risen

Patterns on the water drawn with my fingertips
And then quickly receding
Back to glass

The world above all dawning blue
And the loons
Begin to call

The stars fall back last,
Giving up one by one to the gentle brightening
Of the Adirondack sun.

Still now, I walk with my fingers gliding through the lake,
Grazing the hidden veil.

There is something deeper here.

I reach one hand for the depths and the other holds the shore,
And I am somewhere aching along the surface
In-between them both.
Initially inspired by a memory of when I was very small, canoeing with my dad on one of the lakes in New Hampshire.
Nov 2020 · 511
Hopeful Little Thing
CarolineSD Nov 2020
Flying on an old wooden swing set
Green paint peeling off the sides
Sunlight descending through the spaces between the leaves
Thick on the branches of the old oaks
I never thought I would
Leave behind

She’s kicking high now
With spindly legs
And tipping her face upside down
Laughing like a child
Should
Laughing though life would
Place a sadness in the world
Little by little.

I walk through the edges of the garden in a different time
My voice is hers and mine.

I will always love you
Hopeful little thing
Trusting that these ropes will hold forever
Looking back at four walls that will never crumble
But they did
And they do
And you knew, you always knew.

And if you could only hold onto one solid thing
And if you could just be bright enough to save every one

And isn’t that why you were always smiling?

Such a happy child.
Such a happy child.

And I want to tell you it is ok to stop smiling
And it is ok to let the swing fall down from the sky.
And it is ok that things die right there in the middle of the light
You try to bring.

I like you anyway
And I love you anyway
And I will swing beside you
And hold your hand and we can lay back our heads
and laugh and laugh and laugh
And maybe that will finally

Be enough

And I can forgive myself.
to the inner child..what would you say?


"I will always love you how I do
Let go of a prayer for you
It's a sweet word
The table is prepared for you

Wishing you godspeed, glory
There will be mountains you won't move
Still I'll always be there for you
How I do
I let go of my claim on you
It's a free world
You look down on where you came from sometimes
But still you'll have this place to call home always."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OapxMsZHNkw
Oct 2020 · 738
Back to where I began
CarolineSD Oct 2020
Holiness is there where the druidic
Shadows of the pines rise straight and tall and dark against
The languishing light of day

Fire streaked across the sky
And all the peaks beneath
Graying into the silence of the night

Treading the needles underneath
And how the orange-red remnants of the sun push through the
Empty spaces recessed within the forest's soul,
Motionless bodies of the conifers solemn like
The standing stones of old

And dusk comes in quiet through the timber now

And there is no more hiding,
No more striving and trying,
Just the gentle truth that

We are all dying

And this forest,
Climbing wide across the ravines into the mountains
Holds me without possession

And it would let me go
Like the yellowed leaves that scatter on the earthen floor
Like the last glow of the evening sun
Touching canopies of crimson and gold

And there is this letting go that feels like home.

Like I could reach across this void and hold my mother’s hand
Like these cliffs might drop to the open moorland of the Isles

Where the ghost of my father stands

Like I am pulled back to where I began,

Like the way that it feels

Each time I lay down in your arms.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaAW75FhDeI
Sep 2020 · 242
Escape
CarolineSD Sep 2020
Leave.

Toss clothes like fluttered wings
In this bag.
Throw just one ******* my shoulder and
Go.  

Roll the windows down and amp up the music so loud I drown
Out the static of sadness that never ends.

Find the narrow path that no one takes
In the valley by the headwaters of the lake

Won’t even scan the brushland for snakes,

Just walk

Away

Can’t make it right anyway
Can’t make anyone stay
Can’t fill up their world with what they deserve
Tried to play every role but I’m really

Just
One
Girl.

Wonder what it would feel like to find the serrated edges of the rock on the top of the highest cliffs and just

Step off

Wonder what it would feel like to tell the world to *******?

Wonder if I can walk high enough to leave half of myself
Underneath the glory of the ridgeline
Stamp her shadow down with these boots and

Rise lighter

Less encumbered by the pitiful way she cries
Walk the rough trail that cuts straight up the rocks
Stand on the top
And let the sun
Burn the guilt off
Melt my heart right there on the mountain

Let it go

In the currents across the river washed rocks
Carried away to the nadirs of the sea
Where there is no special place for tears

And the whales leap up and breach the waves

And everything that ever mattered lifts in the arching spray and

Evaporates.

But I am just a girl
Knees in the cool dirt
By the forest’s edge
And I’m not dumb enough to give it all up
Yet

And there isn’t really any blade to this hurt
Just a dull ache
That falls away the further I follow the river
Through the quaking aspens
Along the pine framed cliffs
Into the sky.

I can leave it all behind
For a little while
Toss this canvas bag onto the rough ground
Turn around

And walk into your waiting arms.
is it ok that you've been my safe space for so long?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpPSBzGEklE
Sep 2020 · 2.1k
No More or Less Than Love
CarolineSD Sep 2020
So many voices yelling and echoing and cluttering up
Every heartbeat with dissonant commands;
Discordant rhythms
That give chase, pulse racing wildly ahead,
But I can never escape because the speaker is

Myself.

Who taught me these monologues of doubt?

I’m trying to find some dark corner to crawl into
And hide
From all of the should be’s
And didn’t you’s
And what if’s
And why aren’t you good enough to
And why can’t you just fix everything
And why aren’t you strong enough
To just live
And not break at every streak of light
Surmounting the dregs of night when the morning returns again
And still there is a feeling of falling
And not knowing if you should reach out and hold onto something,
Or not?

And so you just grip your coffee cup as if it were
A solitary rock
In the middle of
A storm-whipped sea
And I really just need to wrap myself around
Something that is made of clay
And dirt,

Drag my spirit through the veins of the earth,
Where the cut-banked canyons rise into a
Reddened western sky  
And release the broad-winged birds to flight.

And everything is quiet

And I know my worth:

No more or less than the brush along the shore.
No more or less than the darting shapes across the river’s floor.
No more or less than the dusk,
Than a gentle touch across my face,

Than love;

No more or less than love

And how it spills like water over rocks
And moves like music through the blood

And how the morning becomes quiet
And I am
Just
Singing softly to my children,

I won’t give up.
Jul 2020 · 622
Weightless Space
CarolineSD Jul 2020
I like to still my heart in the lake,

Turn my face to the turquoise sky
And let each mountain rise along the shorelines and I am

Suspended in weightless space;
A resting place between sunlight and a blacker deep.

I turn my cheek to the caress of the water's
Firm hands that
Permeate my heart with love.  

A wild, alpine forest rises above

And

You are the only one

Whose arms

Around my soul

Will ever  be

Enough.
Jun 2020 · 187
Child Soldier
CarolineSD Jun 2020
The truth is that, sometimes,
I can barely remember your face,
But I always recall happiness lightly skirting pain;
A smile like a masked animal of prey,
Every interaction,
Laying heavy like a thick shroud of strain,
Pulling the corners of your eyes into near total exhaustion,
Like one who guards the boundary lines of a village at war
And the shifts never change.

You were a child soldier
Innocence obliterated
Soul stolen at birth
A tiny form placed at the frontlines,
Armed with nothing,
Not even a choice.

And they made you fight without mercy
And you took more than your allotment of bruises
Standing there in front of your little sisters with your fists
Forever clenched
I remember you said you conjured your strongest self
When they came to **** the babies.

You tried so hard to be the savior
But you were a child soldier
Fighting giants with monstrous darkness in their hearts
And how they ripped through your tiny body and tore
All of your selves apart.

Yet, still you loved me,
From somewhere good that lay untouched
Beyond the broken mirrors of formative years
Fragmented in your blood
And how they would suddenly reflect a memory
And cut,

And how I tried to heal you with my
Child’s arms around your neck
And how it was never enough
And how I wore your blood,

How it lays now upon my skin,
And how it feels like pain

And how it feels like love.  

I will carry it like armor
And I don’t blame you for giving up.
For my mom, whose childhood was a war zone. I love and miss you :(
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbOWVwpCT8k
Jun 2020 · 1.4k
To give up.
CarolineSD Jun 2020
The great arms of the cottonwoods release fragments of
Themselves across the evening sky,
As if the edges of clouds could
Lift from the flutter of leaves
And drift out and away,
As if giving up fragments of oneself
Is soft and easy,
Like the bend of the river
Around the greening banks
On a gentle summer day.

Like giving up is not brutal
Or bones cracked on the cold tile of the
Bathroom floor
When you can’t even do this anymore
And there are tears laid around you like bright
Flowers of pain
Spilled and wilted and dried up again
And you curl into yourself
And simply wait for
The end.

There is a giving up in that roughness and there is a giving up in
The radiance of the sun
Emanating from the warm rocks at the edge of the cliffs,
Lifted off the backs of the verdant hills,
And there is a giving up that is a gift
And not an acquiescence.

And thus it is,
Like the river’s edge,
I give up this familiar space
To the flooding of the rains;

Take the banks of all I know
And allow their swift erosion
Down to the vulnerability
Of my soul.

I give up the strongholds
Of dread
And cast these crafted layers to the edges of the stars

And I won’t give up the openness of my heart,

Or the way I can see so far
Across this wild, limitless wilderness
Of hope,

Or how it grows
Within the shelter of your hands.
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0
Jun 2020 · 119
To ask why.
CarolineSD Jun 2020
I'm so tired of being afraid
Of trying to control the world so that
No one that I love gets hurt.

I can't do it anymore.
God didn't bless my hands
And people die even though I whisper a command:

"Please, don't."

Don't take them. Please don't take them.

But my voice is mute.

I relinquish it all, creator of all things. I'm nothing but a speck of
Dirt upon a distant shore.

What more, what more, what more?

You take all you can imbibe and we
Are nothing but an aside to your
Great appetite.

Take me.

Take it all.

I'm done being afraid. Come at me and I'll hide in these

Great hills

And everyone will forget me

Like it is our destiny to do.

And I'm done trying to save a world
You discard still, and still we are nothing,

But ash within the dirt
And the birds come first
To watch us die.

And it is the sky that claims us.

And I will not dare to presume that I am important enough to ask,

Why?
May 2020 · 326
Still
CarolineSD May 2020
Chaos permeates
And there are too many voices
Lamenting and screaming,
And there is fear like a great machine churning
And there is death and an eerie
Grinding of gears that feels
Somehow driven
And managed,
And I feel pushed upon it and carried to where
I don't want to go.

But, yet

Out in these canyons, beneath the rough granite that rises
And the great pines that ****** their arms into the sky,

There is peace by the river, still.

Walk along beside it
Through the thick brush that hides us
From everything beyond just

This moment and

The current pushes onwards
Speaking only in healing tones
As it spirals around the rocks
And over hidden waterfalls, flows
Down, down, down.

And there is shelter here in the
Deafening sound of the wild water rushing

And there is peace by the river, still.

Out here, it is life or death,
And you don't always get to decide which, so

Lay your body at the temple of the mountains
And give up all of your questions.

Just free fall into the wind beneath the cliffs,

Into nothing and everything and

I love you, still.
May 2020 · 205
Rendered
CarolineSD May 2020
What purity is rendered from the wreckage of these days?
Hearts torn asunder and splayed across a dying world;
A world that falls like dreams do
When the light hits hard across the room.

And I want to hold something heavy and cold,

Like the smooth stones at the base of the current’s flow,

But I am grasping air

And my breath weaves a river that dissipates
Like the memory of snow
Across the western peaks
Before the harsh rays of late spring
Melt these sculpted constructs down to nothing but
Granite and bone,

And the scintillating potential of the soul,

Like a wound that festers,
Or is rendered,
Into something mercilessly scarred
But somehow, more beautiful,
And whole.  

In the breaking, there is death,

And I question whether that is all there is.

Sometimes, the breaking never ends and all I see is a failure to save her. The darkness claims her over and over again in my mind and
There is the sharp absence of a savior,

Anywhere, here on earth,
Or later,

And it certainly wasn’t me.

So, is that what this life will be?
Or can we render light from the wreckage of these days,
If we were to drop down and crawl on bended knees
To some higher place

Where there is redemption in defeat

And a new life
Fresh and green
Sprouting from the remnants of our own humility
In which we must now anchor

Everything?
I don't want people to break and die. I didn't want to lose my mom and not in the way that we did. I'm sorry for all of this suffering. It seems, sometimes, that we will be broken of our arrogance one way or another, even the arrogance that we have some kind of right to live. And I wonder if there will be something better born or rendered in humility, or if there is nothing at all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gl8QkttWs8Y
Apr 2020 · 263
Heavy
CarolineSD Apr 2020
Where will I ever lay this love down
Like the mist above the mountains
That gathers and suspends within the waking sky
Until at once
The sun rises
And it falls
Like a child into her mother’s arms?

And the valleys
They rest
Quiet and calm
Sheltered within the soft fingers of a curling fog

And my heart
Is just like that

Heavy with the condensation of love

Held aloft by a darkness that refuses to rise
Thirsty for the first faint tendrils of light

That I may then, finally,
Release this love
And let it lie

Down

Thick and soft and warm,
Curled around the valleys

Of a heart
Like my own.
Apr 2020 · 130
Fade in Place
CarolineSD Apr 2020
Three children and I am
Their only hope.
Closed borders have cut us off from every relation of blood
They have ever known.

Shelter in place
Ripping apart the supports we once relied on.
There is no world now
But us.

There are these walls,
This patch of ground,
And me,
Between them
And the chaos outside.
I am the barrier
And I am also the provider
The teacher
The soother
The only pillar that didn't fall.

And I am holding it all,
Piecing it all together
With tired hands.
I stand alone
Broken and strong
Taking one more step
One more breath
One more minute
In a life that has become
Very small;
So small that I feel it might just
Disappear.

I fade in place
And still conjure one more day
From an infinite emptiness.
Mar 2020 · 162
A Sinister Wind
CarolineSD Mar 2020
There is a sinister wind

Everywhere.

Like a rippling black sheet,
It slinks beneath the currents of the air

And wants in.

It wants in my lungs.

It wants in my heart.

It wants in the very molecules that bind us together

And tear us apart

And it will consume the soul of the world
And it will destroy the spirit of the poet
And render our warm palms

Cold.

A frigid wind that inflames and then

Decays;

That whips the corners of the earth
And rips apart
The hands that pray.

I want to cast it out like a bad omen
I want to burn this sage and scream

Leave us alone!

Leave us alone!

Leave us alone!

Surely we are bad and we have sinned
And there are those who live in greed and let arrogance win,
But these ones with the kind eyes
And a lifetime of good deeds left behind,

What have they done?

What have we done?

We are just trying to love
We are just trying to live.

Forgive us and be done with this

Madness.

Be done with this black wind!
Let the darkest recesses of the universe breathe and draw it back from whence it came

Never to exhale again.


Please, God,

Please,

Let us live
Let us redeem

Everything
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ph_vHgeSl7I
"
Mar 2020 · 172
Scaffolding Made of Sand
CarolineSD Mar 2020
As the normalcies of life splinter and fall away like ice
Brushed from a window pane,
There is no place left to look
But in,
And there is nowhere to run.

There is no sea of peace
Except that which we return to
Inside, within.

I lay my body down beneath an imagined sun
And feel the textured sand against my skin
And pretend that
This darkness outside will end

And in this way, I can hold their little hands and claim that
The life we knew before will begin again,

But the truth is,
It may get so much worse,
And we may be called to carry far heavier loads before these
Tides reverse.

So, cling tightly to the inner worlds;

The rest is as scaffolding made of sand,
How quickly it fractured and fell to the ground.
Mar 2020 · 215
Pieces of the Morning
CarolineSD Mar 2020
Just a simple girl with a simple heart
Trying to hold the pieces of the morning together
So that they do not fall apart.

The way the ocher light filters through
The bare limbs of early spring
And casts a faint glow upon the hardwood floor
Where my cat curls into herself and sleeps
And the steam lifts from my coffee cup
And the distant highway purrs.

Ridges thick with pines line the horizon
And somewhere a northern train trundles the endless tracks,
Sings into the wide, Dakota sky
And calls the dwindling stars out to die against the light of dawn.

I hold my own
Here in this western valley where these reckless dreams are reborn,
Laptop open, words upon the page,
Three little children not yet awake.

Will I keep them safe

If I speak these truths into the emergence of the sun,

If I spill this simple love across a blank slate?
Feb 2020 · 113
Erosion
CarolineSD Feb 2020
Like the banks of the Colorado River eroded by the wind and the water and the whipping rain of the western skies,

All temporal things slip

Away

We hold what we can.
Resolute boulders break the flow,
Try to arrest the water as it goes
Rushing on towards the eternity

Of the sea

Only temporarily are these tangible things owned
Bodies clutched close
As if we could hold back the wind with our fingers,
But as the storm gathers and lifts the sand from the cliffs

Only the memories linger

The sunset falls outside my window
And all that was
Is left to dwindle to a trickle of a feeling
Of a ghost against the redness of the sky.

One must learn to look inwards

Because these outward landscapes of mothers and fathers and sons and daughters

They fly

And these moments are like the shadows of birds
Across the waters of the western plains;

Here, while the dying sun remains,

And gone.
Feb 2020 · 181
Slip beneath the sheets
CarolineSD Feb 2020
Slip beneath the sheets of all that is a façade
Layered on to reinforce the thickness of the skin
So that wounds within
Are not brushed by
Light or wind.

There is pain in the airing out of spaces unchained
Within the heart;
Yet, there is an aching for just that,

Like a lost soul out on some wild and dusty road

Craves the stars

Lead me to soft hands
In the dark
That deftly release the buttons of my shirt
And slip inside
To pull me into a breaking
That shatters and unites

The soul with God.
That is the true power of love.
Feb 2020 · 613
Deciduous
CarolineSD Feb 2020
I am deciduous
Verdant and tender
Alive in the resonance
Of your voice.

I will tremble in the winds of summer
When the night’s cool edges
Ripple the leaves against the sky

And I

Am awash in a hallowed rhythm.

I crave a sacred touch
Like wilderness
Like music
Like pulsing rivers of blood
Flooding my veins,
Like the greening of forests
In spring.

My leaves sing
When skimmed by the rough edges of your fingertips
Dipped now into the crevices of my hips and
I will bend like a sapling in your palms
And I will lick the sun

Until the gray of winter falls
And there is the inevitable return to earthly things
Trapped a deciduous being
Always longing for
Realms that are evergreen.
Jan 2020 · 201
The Grace to See
CarolineSD Jan 2020
The night is a broad canvas
And the mountains emerge along the edges
In serrated silhouettes.

A black ribbon highway lies ahead
Splitting the snow-brushed open spaces that
Glow faintly white
Under a yellow moon.

And here, I will forget

All that rests behind.

I will give up these thoughts of
Not being enough
And let
The great painter brush
My soul into the very center
Of this wild
And forest-laden place.

I will rush along the snow-touched pavement
To the darkened bodies
Of the hills

And a love that
I can feel
In the atoms of the air.

It is born of wilderness
And winds
That tumble from the high rocks
And bend the grasses only to rise
And begin again.

It is born of narrow roads
At higher elevations
And hidden, rushing streams in places
Where I walked along the banks
And held your hand.

It is born of my children’s laughter in the
Orange-red sunrise of the morning

And it is born of forgiveness;

Forgiveness for what is forming on the canvas of a life
I have washed clean

And it is born of finally allowing myself the grace to see

The beauty of it.
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