It's the fraying nerves listening to passing sirens at three am
a long day spent distracted by the ringing in your ears
the hum of of your heartbeat like an alarm bell when you need sleep
drowning when you just want a moment of peace

A persistent companion,
darling anxiety

I'm just a shell

Made up of components that sound pleasing to the ears

Sweet words scribbled on napkins in cafes
Fleeting memories in photographs hidden away

Small enough to keep in your back pocket

Small enough to disappear

Never one to stick around
No reason to stay

I was a little crazy at 19
when we met on the back streets in the city
dancing dizzy through the crowds
when I drank too much
and you told me it didn't mean anything
even when we couldn't stop

I was a little crazy at 19
but the summers counted for something
because I saw you in the sunlight
I saw you
and it made my heart stop
somewhere near Hyde Park
in a moment we'll never get back
and I wouldn't change that

I was a little crazy at 19
in a way we all tend to be
but I miss feeling like I didn't know who I was going to be
or where life would take me
before everything just faded to grey
and wanting anything more became a haze

Falling out of love with you feels like survivors guilt
Like growing pains

Echos of teenage dramatics
Forever etched into the bark of trees long felled

The bittersweet sting of irony

The grass isn't greener
Out in the wilderness with no path to follow
No north star to guide me home

No sense of freedom to speak of
No new day, fresh start, weight lifted

Falling out of love with you feels like the worst thing I've ever done

Thinking about you ***** me up these days
like missed alarms in the morning
watching the train leave
spilling the coffee you really need

It reminds me that the best days have gone
passed by in a baby blue haze
in parks pretending to be absolutely anything
but who we are in reality

It feels like a wake up call at three am
that everlasting love doesn’t exist
in the cold of the city streets  
outside of the movies we used to see

Growing up and growing apart
With nothing to show for it
but a handful of memories of sparks
and stories about how it starts

Now I’m tired and feel old
walking past the street we first kissed
wondering if losing love is romantic
or if there is something I’ve missed

We talk like strangers
bemoan the weather
the traffic in the city these days

Everything we should say disappears

All the messy feelings
the late night meetings
sharing every detail of our days

In the spaces in between
we forget each of the last ten years
we fade from each other

Is this falling out of love?

It felt like a film

Those rose tinted days in the city
the rush at Liverpool Street
running late on my twenty first birthday
waiting on the circle line
in the cold winter sunshine
I remember coffee in the tiny cafe
when everyone turned to look at us laugh

It felt as if the world made sense
as if we’d found the place we needed to be
tucked away in a corner sharing stories
as if we’d known each other forever
like soul mates made of the same star
I knew I never wanted to leave your side

It’s strange talking about work and the weather
as if we didn’t spend almost a decade
wrapped up in each other

Somewhere out on the water
talking about forever
as if it was just another Tuesday

You were always trying to teach me how to sail
but I never really listened
still I was in love with your voice
and the way you’d stop to kiss me
when I complained about the cold
till it didn’t matter anymore

Sometimes I wish we’d never come ashore
stayed out there where time didn’t matter
and nothing changed

We could have disappeared over the horizon
into the proverbial sunset
we would have stayed golden

I still sleep on the right side of the bed
add sugar to my tea in halves
keep my keys in my coat pocket
with notes of the things you said

I still wonder what you'll think about the mess
and all of these bad habits I have left
because I'm not myself anymore
just a version you kept in your head

Being in love with you feels habitual
Like living with a ghost

Kisses on the corner of Blue Boar Street
Walks in comfortable silence when we both should have just gone home
Coffee breaks to talk about philosophy

Old rituals like old friends

It feels lived in and familiar
In the best and worst way

It feels like I should have learnt from every past mistake I've ever made

Listening to love songs feels okay these days
No wistful wondering what went wrong
No hangover from waiting to move on

Long gone are the broken memories
of first kisses and that very last fight
Rings on the kitchen table, boxes by the door, suitcases and all

Dust gathers on the photo albums
The love notes faded and folded away
but the words still remain
Etched into jewellery with all the dates

Somehow it feels ok
Learning to let go
Learning to live in a whole new headspace

I know all of your jokes
the stories you tell after a few beers
how your voice sounds at 4am
when you haven’t slept all night
because we had a fight
and you just want to make up

I know that you’re scared
of turning into your father
or coming anywhere close  
but I also know that you won’t

I know the day we met
I knew that I had to know you
but now that’s all gone