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Jun 2014 · 766
Burdens
NitaAnn Jun 2014
I don't know why I do this, well I don't know why I do a lot of things but that's not the point. I don't know why I look at this as something I'll "get over" or something that will go away eventually like a cold or the flu. I find myself wondering when I can go on with life, not have to deal with _ or think about _ or experience this or that. I'm waiting for some magical day when I wake up and it's all over, it's all gone and is only a piece of my history. How silly of me to hope and dream that I can live a normal life free of worries, haunting dreams, shaking, and doubts. How foolish of me to forget that this doesn't go away. I have to live with this forever.
*"The familiar sting wells in my eyes and my heart sinks deep in my chest. Darkness takes over and I imagine my good-byes. Nothing can stop it; tonight there will be no rest. Images flash, too gruesome to share...such a heavy burden to bear."
Jun 2014 · 456
Little Girl, Part II
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Little girl with long dark hair
hides in her room again tonight.
Another long day has come to an end,
maybe this time she'll get it right.
Her desperate prayers have got to be wrong.
His answers shouldn't take this long.
She dials His number and recites the words,
...nobody ever seems to be home.
She looks out the window and checks the sky
...the lights are on but nobody answers the phone.
So she fixes her nightgown and crawls back into bed,
she straightens her blankets and lays down her head.
This little girl with long dark hair
will wait another night for someone to care.

Dark haired girl with eyes of blue
wakes up alone, just another day.
She goes through the motions like the day before
never thinking there might be something more.
This life of hers is as good as it gets
she "should be grateful and have no regrets."
But the pain inside just grows and grows
This poor girl hurts and nobody knows...

...it won't stop hurting. I can't make it go away. I can't stop crying on this miserable day. I keep on praying, but it doesn't help at all. I can't last much longer. Who will notice my fall? I'm screaming inside, but no one can hear. I'm dying inside, all I feel is fear. I'm so tired of always feeling cold. I'm sick of not having a hand to hold. I'm sick and tired of coming in second place. I hate closing my eyes and seeing your face. Everyone seems too busy to care. It's not like I expect them to notice or share, but why can't they look? Why don't they see that I am not who I am pretending to be. So many tears still roll down my face, leaving behind only but a trace, of many painful memories that can never be erased...

She writes these words in a desperate plea, hoping to God that someone might see.

Another tearful night but she doesn't muffle her cries
praying the Lord will take her soul when she dies.
The dark haired girl is little no more.
Looking back makes her sick, sick to her core.

...Sometimes the hurting subsides, but it never goes away. It only perpetuates the cycle that I believe will always stay. I'm so afraid to cry, to believe, admit, or even ask why. So I just doubt, second guess, and justify all of the confusion I feel inside...

In case you haven't noticed, if you don't see,
this poem is a story all about me.

...I have a secret that nobody knows
shhhh! Should I tell? This is how it goes:
Everything I am is a happy cliche--big smiles, endless laughter
but that's only today. What happens behind closed doors?
When the world gets in the way?
There's no point in screaming...nobody hears you anyway.

Raindrops on my windshield are the tears I cannot cry.
Loneliness surrounds me while life passes by.
Dreaming comes so easily because it's all that I've known.
Truth is a fairytale. I'm scared and I'm alone.
My darkest days are behind me, still nothing seems quite right,
as I sort my lost emotions on this long and sleepless night.
I know it's not just me who feels horrible inside.
I'm exhausted from always trying to expose these things I hide.
Yet, it's all just temporary--these things I do and say.
Maybe soon I will be able to heal.
Starting today...
Jun 2014 · 294
I Don't
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Am I real?
Do I exist?
Am I her?
Is she me?  
I don't want to be real now.
I don't want to exist now.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want her to be me.


I don't want to be lost and alone.
Jun 2014 · 625
Bloody Collision
NitaAnn Jun 2014
I sense that this compulsion to validate feelings will soon result in some ****** collision.

My fists are tightening and I begin dig my nails into the soft flesh of my palms. I feel desperate for instruction tonight and my brain is sending signals to my fingers to form the words to send to DT for help. SOS! Danger! But it will not be allowed. I am frightened and afraid I will hurt myself, I want to reach out but I do not know how. So there is no reason to reach out, express my fear of SI tonight. I am not angry. I feel only fear and despair of being uneducated in the ability to handle the screaming and anguish from the parts inside of me. But there is no choice but to do this alone. At this point in the evening, I am unable to say what the signed treaty will be in the end. I do know the deadly arsenal to be used in this fight, this internal war, tonight.

I have no reason to stay here and endure the endless pain that exists each night. DT says, “Nita, stay in your body.” Um, why? That’s the LAST place I want to be! That’s where the HELL is, does not he get that? Geez – this “body” is possessed, and since he would not agree to an exorcism – I am moving out each night when the ghosts from the past come calling. And if the place does not burn down or bleed out, I will return in the daylight.

I would much like to find the “Nita of old” ~ but the tide has swept her out to sea, leaving me, the new Nita, covered in seaweed. The fundamental stress is still here but now an ache edges into the limits of my consciousness. I do not feel armed to face the girl I am supposed to meet and accept.

I feel past my prime. My subconscious pulls at my arms, whispers in my ear memories…bits and pieces of that young girl who was also named Nita. I try to look away but I see her and I hear her. She tells me that she is too sick to be healed. She is emaciated, listless, naked and cold. Her eyes are glassy, she is bleeding and she speaks of vanishing. You cannot save her and I do not want too.

This is what I am reduced to each night. Screaming, fighting girls inside of me who are all vying for control. I do not care which one wins, I am not sticking around tonight to find out.

Sometimes I am scared of how much I do not want to be here.
Jun 2014 · 5.9k
Scared
NitaAnn Jun 2014
She went to bed scared last night, instead of spending hours hiding, she went to bed scared last night. She surrounded herself with pillows and blankets but it did not help. She woke up from nightmares huddled in the very top corner of the bed, shaking and scared, hugging her knees tight to her chest. She remembers the nightmares but she will not talk about them. She is too scared so she will not talk now. Everything has been too scary, overwhelming and now she will not talk to anybody. She will not and she is not allowed. But she is too scared to sleep tonight. She will hide instead, alone, huddled in a blue blanket, shaking and scared.
Jun 2014 · 559
Little Girl
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Little Girl curled up in a corner
She is scared and alone
Tears are running down her face
No one to turn to nowhere to go
Little Girl full of bruises, cuts, and scars
Wondering what she did wrong
Mother is in the bedroom
She acts oblivious to what’s been done
Little Girl unsure of what's next
Afraid to move a muscle, afraid to make a sound
She covers her face, scared of what's to come
Little Girl look at what you have done!
When will you ever learn?
Soon your father will be home
Little Girl waits for her father
He loves her in a very special way
Every night behind closed doors
He shows her just how much he cares
Little Girl curled up under her covers
Longing for someone to hold her
She hurts all over, her mind is numb
And through silent tears she says...

"Little Girl, I'm just a Little Girl."
Tears fall down her cheeks...as she drifts off to sleep
...be my friend, hold me
I am small...and needy.
NitaAnn Jun 2014
I walk a dreadfully narrow & fragile tight rope and there often there is no safety net beneath me. And as such, a slight wind will often make me stumble and fall right back into the cavernous black hole that I spent a significant amount of time climbing out of. I used to be so thick skinned, but my skin seems to have been scoured into a transparent epidermis that now barely covers my flesh. And I do not know why words seem to rip right through that now clear layer of covering and sear through the sensitive tissue beneath. But they do, and just like that, I am back in a place where I feel like I must punish myself. And I want to feel the pain externally on my body because the interpretations of the verbal words I hear resonate through me and each time the words are repeated, the internal pain increases.

And it does not stop there. The words become thoughts and the thoughts turn into internal voices that torture me and say terrible things. They torment me and tell me that I am worthless, that I will never be able to get through this, that I am a bad, filthy little girl and I deserved everything that happened to me. And the truth is that I cannot find a voice to tell me that is not true and it then feels commonsense and spot on to me. And the frightened little Nita says, “I know, I deserve to be hurt. Let him hurt me because I am bad. I will always be bad.”

During the day I manage to quiet the voices, and push them deep down inside of me because I have to function during the day, I cannot allow myself to fall apart. But every day I am a virtual time bomb that cannot be disarmed, and when the darkness falls, the device beeps and I blow up. And the reality is there is a gaping chasm between ‘healing’ and where I am right now. And frankly, I am not even sure healing is possible. And I want to give up. I work so hard to climb out of the darkness, back onto the tightrope, toward the light, only to have something else knock me back off again.

When that all too familiar wind blows and knocks me from the rope, I try to hang on. I try not to allow myself to fall completely into the darkness, the place where there is no shred of hope left. But I often wonder what it is I am holding on to, and what I am holding on for. And I do not know why I am still holding on. Not anymore.

There are too many competing voices. They all have wants and needs and I am too tired to listen to them anymore. They will never become one. They are too different to be integrated. And I am so tired. And the rope is burning through the already thin layer of skin on the palms of my hands and it hurts and I want to let go. I want to let go. I want to let go of the rope and the pain and the anger. I want to let go of the depression and the tears and the fear. There is no balance now, there is only vertigo, and it is so hard to hang on.

It would be so easy to just let go.
Jun 2014 · 3.6k
Shelter from the storm
NitaAnn Jun 2014
What do you need right now, Nita?*

Shelter from the storm...that’s what I would like right now, that’s what I need right now, dear therapist. Shelter from the storm.

I don’t doubt my determination to survive and yet here I am crying again. Crying and wishing for some GD shelter from the storm…the therapist does not question my commitment or desire to continue to work through this and someday come out on the other side. At least I don’t think he does.

I can’t find my safe place now…it was such a fragile structure to begin with, made of straw and easily blown away in a storm. But it did exist two years ago. It did. And for the first time in my life I felt understood, safe, ‘real’. My safe place was a place I could be angry and sad, and hopeless. A place I could ask for guidance in the midst of confusion; a place of encouragement and comfort. A place where I could find shelter from the storm.

But I can’t find it now! I feel like I am on the edge of tumbling into oblivion due to my own intransigence and inability to let the therapist back in.(or anybody) And I desperately need him tonight…shelter from the rain, stability in the wind, comfort in the thunder and lightning that is threatening me now.

And what is maddening to me is if the therapist walked up to me right now, with a stadium sized umbrella and said, “Nita, come in and I will give you shelter from the storm.” I still stand in the rain, wind and thunderstorm and decline his umbrella because of my fear he would just wrench it away before the storm was over.

So, here I sit, like a frightened child, on my own little island, surrounded by the storm, crying my eyes out over loss and betrayal…on an endless search for shelter from the storm.

Here I sit arguing with myself!

"Nita, you can't do it alone.  He wants to help you - take the **** umbrella!"  
"No!  I won't take it!  I don't need his **** umbrella!"  
"Fine! You stupid baby! Suffer by yourself then ~ stubborn little *****!"  
"I said take the umbrella!"


Messed up?  That does not even begin to cover it.
Jun 2014 · 1.1k
Maybe
NitaAnn Jun 2014
I am so confused about what I need right now to be OK.
To get better, stop the bad habits and get healthy.
Maybe I only need some guidance and reassurance.
Maybe I need more.
Maybe old habits are just getting in the way.
Maybe I am just stupid  after all.
Maybe I don't actually deserve to know the difference.
Maybe I am scared to let myself be "OK"
because being in crisis mode is so familiar and I'm so used to it.
I have no idea what to think tonight.
Jun 2014 · 656
His Hands
NitaAnn Jun 2014
I learned to question what love is by the way his hands felt.
The roughness that they always were.
The way they accompanied the glare
in his eyes and the smile on his face.
They way they grabbed,
  pushed down,
held down,
the way they never let go.

I questioned his love when he used those hands
to sweep my hair back
and whisper in my ear,
telling me that this,
this is how daddies show their love
as his hands grazed my body.

He was the animal
I was the pasture.

I was filled with
green luscious grass
beautiful flowers
and a sunset
that mesmerized anyone
who watched it rise.

But he clawed away at my pasture,ripping it to shreds.
He poured hot acid all over me, now I am nothing
but a wasteland where nothing grows.
A place where nothing but darkness resides.

Patting me on the *** as he walks away as if to say
"that was a job well done"
"you did good"


I did good.
I let you destroy me.
I let your hands ruin
everything that was mine,
they reached inside my soul
pulled out what makes me real,
what makes me exist.

And now I lay in this bed as an empty shell of nothing
thinking of him,
hands....
hands,
hands everywhere
crawling all over me like spiders
always searching and looking to take more
when there is nothing left already.

I was once
beautiful
untouched
a delicate rose
who just wanted
to grow and bloom
  become what I was meant to.

Then he came and cut me down
while telling me that he loved me.
I laid there dying
trying to reconnect my broken stems,
then he came again,
  cutting me to pieces,
plucking off my beautiful petals
leaving me there as nothing,
leaving me there to wait
for the wind to ******* away.

Once I was untouched
and then the day came
that he told me he loved me
his hands molded a wasteland
out of my body like it was clay.
Jun 2014 · 482
Father's Day
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Fathers' Day is kind of a difficult "holiday" for me. In a lot of ways, my dad was a good dad. We were always fed and clothed, had a roof over our heads, and have plenty of good things to remember. This might sound horrible but sometimes I try really hard NOT to think about the ways he was a good dad, because it sort of makes me blame myself for the ways he was not. I think, "he has so many good qualities, it must have been something about me." In my mind, I know it wasn't my fault, but in my heart, it's a bit more difficult to "get it."

So this Fathers' Day I have decided to try to think about only the good things and not the bad, as far is my dad is concerned. And to pretty much just try to make the day about my children's dad and other dads I happen to know who are great, even though they might not be my dad.
Jun 2014 · 529
Some Days...
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Some days...
           I just want to disappear. I want to crawl into the earth and hug the  
           ground around me like a blanket and be unseen, be swallowed up
           by mother nature.

Some days....
          I want to scream- "I am MORE."  I am more than you see. I want to
          beg someone- anyone- to see all of me, to really know me, and to
          accept me as I am- not how they'd wish me to be.

Some days...
          I want to let out the rage within me. To pound my fists against the
          pain until they are ****** and unrecognizable. I want to scream and
          cry and rage and hurt and let out the anger about what was done to
          me. I want to yell that I am no longer afraid, I will no longer hide my
          anger and turn it inward. I want to unleash the fury that lives in my
          heart, turn it against the ones who deserve it.
Jun 2014 · 5.6k
Anxious
NitaAnn Jun 2014
A
little
ANXIOUS
tonight,
oh
hell
be
honest
I
am
FREAKING
the
FU#%
out
PANICKY
cannot
breathe
lungs
a­re
tight
struggling
A
N
X
I
O
U
S

anxious...
anxious
anxious
­
**ANXIOUS
NitaAnn Jun 2014
What do you do when you've been through hell?
When you aren't sure how to cope
and you end up hurting yourself
and those around you?

Or when you feel stuck in the dark places of your mind,
not sure you're strong enough to climb out?

I'm learning that you just keep going.
Because none of it is the end of the world.

You can't undo things that you've been through,
but you can learn how to live with them
and not let them define you.

You can't take away things you've done,
but you can say you're sorry to the people you hurt,
forgive yourself, and do better.

Change is difficult, and scary.

But I think it's finally hit me that I want to change.
I don't want to dwell on the bad things,
or hurt people I care about,
or feel trapped in my own head.


The past couple of months have been killer,
but I'm going to keep going forward.

Because that's the only thing to do.
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Things I Would Ask for Help With:

...saying what I need or want

...standing up for myself when something isn't right

...managing the anger

...taking things too seriously

...thinking that when things are wrong, it's because of me

...having fun (I know, it's actually dumb that that is on this list)

...assuming that I'm not good enough


All of these things I would ask for help with -----------if I was brave enough
Jun 2014 · 934
To Stop "Telling" the Story
NitaAnn Jun 2014
To stop "telling" the story:

Means I will be facing the feelings.

Means I will learn to live in acceptance of what "is" and "was" vs trying to create my own version of "what should be".

Means letting go of the idea that others "could have" or "should have" done something different to make the story have a different ending.

Means choosing to live in conscious awareness of when I am using the "story" to avoid my reality, my "now".

Means acknowledging that I was powerless and a victim then.

Means grieving the loss of the life I did not have, do not have, will not have because of the story.

Means acknowledging that I am no longer powerless and no longer a victim.

Means finally "getting" what the serenity prayer means...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
The wisdom to know the difference


Means that I will no longer sacrifice my todays and tomorrows to those who took my past.



Means that I am finally free.
Jun 2014 · 697
When Do You Stop
NitaAnn Jun 2014
When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, *****, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kind of funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA or how much is from family problems now or how much is just from my declining physical health. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...
Jun 2014 · 452
10W
NitaAnn Jun 2014
10W
Alone
Scared
Why
Always Ends
So Tired
It is
Over
Jun 2014 · 331
10w
NitaAnn Jun 2014
10w
Reached out
Rejected
Ignored
Whiskey here
Shots poured
Now drunk
Sorry hurts too much
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Hello, Whiskey!
You have always been there
to comfort me
to numb the feelings
to make me stronger
nobody or nothing
can soothe my soul
like you manage to do
that burn you leave in
my belly reminds me you care.
the more I consume the less I hurt
why did I think I could
make this work without you!
Getting drunk to numb the pain, maybe I will be stronger tomorrow!
One shot, two, three & four shots!
Keep'em coming barkeep!
Jun 2014 · 27.3k
Rejection
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Rejected

I put myself out there

Hopeful
Earnest
Smiling

Can I go? Include me, please!

Unnoticed
Unincluded
Unloved

Hello, I am right here!

Not seen
Not wanted
Not loved

Giving up
Hurts to be left out
Tired of feeling defeated

REJECTION
NitaAnn Jun 2014
...on my self-worth:

I am worthless, or close to it
I twist my self-worth to depend on the people I care about, so the smallest, most unintentional slight is taken with too much sensitivity
I don't deserve to be cared for
I am *****, and bad
I am at fault


...on my relationships:

I trust people I shouldn't too quickly, and people I should, not enough
I am emotionally needy, seeking constant reassurance that someone cares
At the same time, I push people away, testing their caring
Relationships with my parents are superficial
Relationships with my young siblings...were strained; now, they are better, but I am still unsure about how they really feel toward me


...on my views about ***:

*** is easily used for power
*** is easily made to be about control
*** is painful and causes guilt
*** is a way to make people want and/or need you, to make them want to be close to you


...on my life in positive ways- what strengths have I gained?*

+For all my emotional neediness, I am pretty self-sufficient- I know how to run a household and take care of a family
I am compassionate and empathetic
I am not broken, even with all I have been through- this shows me that I am strong
I know how not to parent
Jun 2014 · 4.8k
A Tough Month
NitaAnn Jun 2014
It has been a tough month.
With health issues, school difficulties
and do not even mention family problems...

So there has been some triggers
  and it is just been stressful.  
I have been pretty depressed
and feeling very vulnerable
and really wanting to cut.

I feel really like I have to act like everything is fine
and cannot talk about the things that are bothering me
with the people who I would really just like to talk about it with.

Which kind of leaves me feeling
hurt and resentful and
not wanting to trust.

I feel like asking for help is so difficult
and you can only do it so many times
and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine

I do not need your help anyway -
I do not actually need anyone's help
and I will manage perfectly fine on my own.


Except that is not how it works, you do not manage perfectly fine.
You try harder at not feeling feelings
IRONIC
being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel!  
you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you,
you put a band-aid on everything you are struggling with
and act like things are OK
when in fact, on the inside,
you are screaming and wishing,
hoping that someone would hear you.

Enter more hurt and resentment
.
It is just really difficult

**I simply want to feel
heard
supported
loved.
Jun 2014 · 453
Healing Exercise
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Complete the sentences:
I am:  
so much more than I give myself credit for.
I want:  
to smile, and mean it.
I wish:  
so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
I hate:  
that I don't hate him.
I miss:  
normal, even though I am not sure I know what normal is.
I fear:  
nights, noises, intimacy.
I hear:  
the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake. ( I just struggle to believe them, but I hear.)
I wonder:  
if he's sorry.
I regret:  
not telling sooner.
I am not:  
what was done to me.
I dance:  
only when I am drunk.
I sing:  
in the car.
I cry:  
at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
I am not always:  
OK when I say I am.
I make with my hands:  
representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing.
I write:  
in my journal, almost every night.
I confuse:  
people's busyness with uncaring.
I need:  
to take better care of myself.
I should:  
think positive.
Jun 2014 · 1.3k
Why?
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Why oh why?

Nothing seems to make much sense to me anymore.

My mood and emotions are going absolutely haywire!
I feel happy, sad, angry, depressed, loved, unloved, and anxious.
I feel all of these at the same time.

How?
How does that even happen?
How can I be both happy and sad, loved and unloved,
and angry yet depressed?

I am confused.

Yesterday went downhill and I need something to help it stop from getting any worse. Obviously, what I am doing isn't helping.

Any suggestions would be awesome!

It just doesn't seem normal to me. I am all of these.

Happy: I feel like everything is going to be okay.
Maybe happy isn't quite the right word for it.
It is probably better to just say that I am optimistic.
Jun 2014 · 2.0k
Spiraling Out of Control
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Sunday I started to feel as though my life was spiraling out of control.

I know now that it wasn't.

It was just life.

Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.

I know that now.

Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.

Such is life, but I am living and learning.
Jun 2014 · 366
Questions With No Answers
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Some are directed at specific people, others, to no one in particular.

Why did you hurt me?
What did I do to deserve the things that were done to me?
I know you noticed, why didn't you make it stop?
Why wasn't anyone there when I needed them?
Are you sorry?
Do you live with any pain for what you did?
Why am I still suffering for others' actions?
Why do I feel such pain, guilt, and shame for things other people did?
Why did it take me so long to tell?
Would it have been better for me to keep my mouth shut and deal with it?
How long am I going to have to spend in therapy to feel ok again?
Will I EVER feel completely ok?
Do I even deserve to feel ok?
Do I deserve the wonderful support and kindness from the few that I trust?
Why didn't God stop it? Why did God let it start?


There are more...but I don't have the energy to type anymore tonight. It's been a rough day, I'm in pain, and my energy is completely sapped.
Jun 2014 · 303
Untitled
NitaAnn Jun 2014
My heart aches and my mind burns, but I am not going to break. You will not win. You will no longer control me. My body is numb and my soul is empty, but I will be ok. You haven't damaged me forever. You are a poison, slowly taking the beauty and life from whoever you wish- but not me, not anymore. I am standing up, putting back what pieces I can, healing the searing pain you caused. I am still afraid- to trust, to ask for help, to sleep, to be less than perfect. But I'm learning not to be so scared. It's going to take a long time to undo what you did...but I will do it.
Jun 2014 · 659
Happy and Sad
NitaAnn Jun 2014
Today was a weird mixture of happiness and sadness all at the same time. It was one of the most unusual experiences I have ever had.

It was not one of those, "I am sad. Now, I am happy."

It was more or less, "I am sad, no, I am happy, no, wait. I am both."

I don't really know if I liked or didn't like it. I think I am leaning more towards liking it.

I liked the fact that I was able to feel two different emotions at once and not feel completely out of control. I liked that it felt real. That sounds odd, I'm sure, but it felt like that it must be what it feels like when you are happy yet hear something sad and it makes your heart ache. It was kind of like that.

It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.
May 2014 · 978
I Am Struggling
NitaAnn May 2014
I am struggling.

I feel like I am floundering.

I feel so very much alone.

I just feel so lonely.

I feel like I just need a good cry. I am scared to cry though. When I cry alone, I sometimes have trouble stopping. I sink further and further down into that dark hole of depression.

It is so hard to get out of that hole. It is a never ending battle trying to come back up out of it.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that I am going to end up stuck in this pit of depression forever. I don't really think that that will happen, but that fear is in the back of my mind.

I am afraid of showing my emotions sometimes. I sometimes am frightened by what comes out of me and how I will react to what I am feeling.

I haven't completely lost hope.

I pray. I believe in God and know that He will help me heal and get through the rough times.

I have to have faith and try to get through this the best that I can with what I have and who I have to help me. I just don't want to feel like a burden, which I always seem to feel like.

Pray for me please.
May 2014 · 664
Super Woman...NOT
NitaAnn May 2014
I just now realized something.

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, research, church activities, housework,  and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.
May 2014 · 6.9k
Cut Cut Cut
NitaAnn May 2014
Anger
Frustration
Scared
Lonely
Afraid
Hatred
Loathing**
So with these thoughts fueling my actions,
I make the conscious decision to punish my body.
I feel as though I deserve this treatment.
I cut to scar my body.
I cut to release emotions I had no valve for.
I have no words or outlet for them yet.
I cut to make myself feel better; to alleviate those feelings of hatred.
Cutting is such an enigma for me.
I do it as a punishment, for being weak and "allowing" myself to be abused...
But at the same time, the feeling I get from doing it is strength.
I look at the cuts and think, *"Wow. I was able to endure that. I am strong."
May 2014 · 410
10w
NitaAnn May 2014
10w
Nervous
Butterflies
I wanna
No gonna be sick
Surgical procedures
NitaAnn May 2014
The last few months have left me with a lot to ponder. I'm already an analytical person, but I've got so much going on in my head right now that I've written, erased and re-started this entry about 10 times already because I can't seem to organize my thoughts.

I am one really $%)! complicated person. I mean I know no one is simple, but I swear with every passing day I find out things about myself that are contradictory or frustrating. Only I can manage to **** myself off without even trying.

Fear is keeping me from progressing in therapy right now. I'm so afraid that any topic I approach or old wound I open up is going to result in the same reactions I had the last time I tried. Crippling panic attacks, constant fear, cutting, no hope. I allowed myself to think about and confront things I had never even come close before, and I end up a walking mess.

I haven't pushed myself to really talk about or feel anything difficult, because this fear in the back of my mind is slamming that door closed every time I approach it. The logical side of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN?!?!", yet I'm also battling with the undeniable fact that the only way I am going to be able to heal from and let go of these hurts I've been carrying around for so long is to talk about, process through and feel them.

I want to feel like I'm not wasting my time (and DT’s). I don't right now. I hate it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel like I've lost faith in my entire existence. Like everything I do is futile. No matter how hard I work or how much I want something, I'm doomed. The world is going to spite me and give me the exact opposite.

I feel defeated.

And yet, to be even more contradictory, another part of me feels as though if I can eventually get to a place where I can let these walls down, that I will recover. It seems possible in every aspect of my life... except one.

Even though I sought out and have been going to therapy with the goal of recovering from my abuse, a big part of me doesn't believe it is possible. That no matter how hard I work or what I do, this will always be what defines me. I will never escape it. I will always be afraid. I will always be that 5 year old.

I mean, look at all I've been through over the past 12 months. I got to a point that I wanted to **** myself. I mean actually wanted to end my life. I had NO HOPE. And even going through all of that, I still feel like nothing has changed. I'm still just as afraid as I was then. Just as defined by my abuse as I was then. Why should I think it'll ever get better? I almost killed myself trying to make it better.

Then DT said something to me that seemed so painfully simple and obvious, yet brought me almost immediate hope.

"Your abuse speaks a different language."

Don't worry, I'm going to clarify (as you are probably thinking the same thing I was: uhhh, what does that mean?). The little things I've been able to improve upon with DT, like learning how to be in the moment, my relationships with my other, coping with stressors in life without cutting, etc speak one language. Certain methods and approaches work very well in confronting those things, all the while challenging me, pushing me and allowing me to see success.

The *"language"
DT used for those things was obviously not the right "language" for my abuse.

Today I feel more hopeful than I have in a very long time. Maybe, just maybe, we can figure out what the right language is for my abuse. And maybe, just maybe, I can heal.
May 2014 · 264
3 Questions
NitaAnn May 2014
This morning had a session with DT. Focus was on 3 questions that I knew I needed to answer. I made an agreement with myself that I was going to get it together and do what needed to be done... even though it scared the crap out of me.

These questions represented what I needed to be asked in order to feel ready to say what needed to be said. To say what has kept the "inner me" silenced so much lately.

The panic that rushed through my body when he asked me the first question was something I had almost forgot. It numbs your arms and your legs, but pools all of your blood in your heart causing it to beat wildly in your chest. Your breathing gets so fast it feels like you won't have enough air to continue breathing. It took me a while just to compose myself. I asked him to ask me again. Another wave of panic, but this time a little shorter. I asked him to ask me again. I sat there and thought... I stared... I closed my eyes. I told him I thought I could answer these questions if I kept my eyes closed. He asked me again:

Why are you afraid to give up control and let God take over?

(through streaming tears) He had control. He chose this for my life. He put me in that bedroom alone with him night after night. How am I supposed to let Him have control when something like that could happen again?

Why don't you trust Him?

(through sobs and tears) Because He left me. He left me in that bedroom alone. I had no one. I needed Him there and he wasn't there.

Why is it easier for you to believe there is no God than to be so hurt by this one?

Believing there is no God is so much easier. It's so much harder to think that there is a God, that He wasn't there for you when you needed Him and that you are so hurt by that.

Just like your family?

(nod)


It took me an hour to answer those 3 questions.
Free will is what it is, so God doesn't cause things to happen, but he does allow them. Stopping them negates free will. So getting myself to a place where I can acknowledge the difference is a first step.
NitaAnn May 2014
Falling apart recently,
hearing music…
seeing things out the
corners of my eyes.

Turn and look and there's nobody there. Dark, shadowy figures with the evil feel about them. Feeling tense. On edge. Mood is getting lower and lower and the only thing keeping me functioning slightly is the anxiety! Not sure what to do, what to think…trying to ask for help from friends/family because I know they can help me
but scared they won’t want to.

Stupid, stupid paranoia.
I hate this, I hate who I am, that I am this…
Not sure how to cope.

So so scared all the time,
thinking, feeling like 'they're' close…
watching…waiting…

Where is the barrier between this being 'in your mind' and 'real'?

Trying to remain level-headed is harder than I thought.
Trying to persuade myself it's not real
but my instinctual reaction is that that works with it being real.
I am so on edge...don’t know where to turn...how to cope…

Thinking about how much easier this would be if it was all over...
Self-harm…bad, horrible thoughts. Needing this…pain,
this urgency to hurt myself is driving me mad.
It is not normal to want to hurt yourself…I know that,
and when I'm feeling good, I'm able to keep a complete lid on it,
it doesn't even occur to me that it's something that needs to happen…
I know this, yet when my mood drops, it's back to my old ways, the before ways, the causing myself pain to function part of my life.

Plus, I keep having fears that I'll be possessed
and end up hurting people I know and love…
Not a very in depth fear for the moment…
but something that is crossing my mind…
What if these 'demons' are to try and get the most out of me
before I die…what if I am used to hurt others?
I almost feel like I have to avoid other people in case
I'm possessed and I hurt them.
May 2014 · 233
Questions
NitaAnn May 2014
Why can I think logically about correctly placing blame where it lies, but yet my heart tells me otherwise?

Why is it so hard for me to let go of the guilt and allow myself to really feel what is beneath it?

Why does the prospect of just touching a toe into the metaphorical pool of my pain make me feel as though I am going to fall in and drown?

Why can I not feel the anger I think I should for the man who abused me?

Why is it I can envision forgiving myself for the hurts I have caused others, but not for the hurts I have caused myself?

Why was this the life I was supposed to lead?

Why was I chosen to bear this pain?

Why am I alone and hurting?

Why does nobody see me or hear me?

Why??
NitaAnn May 2014
So 2014 has pretty much ****** 100% since it started. It's one of those things that I silently think to myself "It can't get any worse" but then catch myself because I know that's not true. Every few weeks it seems I am being dealt another situation to deal with in addition to the extreme burden I am already carrying around.

Life is so overwhelming right now I almost cannot even think about it all at once.  I do not want to trigger myself into having a panic attack. I am doing my best to take it day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I do not even know which way to turn anymore or how to even start to cope.

I really have tried to trust others and rely on them for help and support but…honestly…maybe I do not know how to do that? Am I picking the wrong people or is it me??? Seems like I am there for everybody else but nobody is here for me now.

New symptoms, worrying about what it all means…dealing with ****** healthcare…doctors not as concerned as I am…seriously how much blood is normal to cough up before I can get a Dr to give a ****! Going on Day 3 of feeling like I have been hit by a semi-truck. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I surrendered…
May 2014 · 2.5k
Finding Rest
NitaAnn May 2014
Rest can come in different forms and serve different purposes.

Physical rest is needed during times of illness and growth,
as well as daily in order to recharge your mind and body.

Emotional rest is needed for relief, processing and even safety.

Constantly being emotionally charged is not healthy,
just like constantly moving is eventually
going to end up in you being forced to stop.

So how do you find spiritual rest?
Have you ever thought that you need it?

Up until tonight, I never really thought about the fact
that there is a place of rest in the hands of God.

So many people struggle with waiting.
Waiting for God to lay at their feet their greatest desires.
Waiting for what you think you deserve.
Waiting for the life you think you should be leading.
Waiting for a sign that you are doing the right thing.
Be patient.
Wait and it will come.

Waiting for God to give you what you want the most...hardest.

Waiting to see if God's desires for you
are the same as what you have in mind...terrifying.

But what happens if you let that go?

Letting go gives you the rest you so desperately need
because when you let that go and give it to God,
it's no longer yours to wait for, to worry about.

Letting go gives you the rest that will strengthen your mind
and heart and let you grow closer to God.

Letting go will make it all the more meaningful and powerful
when you receive what God has in store for you.

Now if only letting go was easy.
NitaAnn May 2014
When I'm able to believe again,
I'll walk determined down this path again
And you'll look at a smile again
And you'll see that I'm free.

Gonna hear the voice of reason,
Gonna hear the words of God
Won't be loud, won't be loud,
'Til I open my heart to Him.

When I'm able to believe again
Gonna feel this shame diminish,
Gonna pray for God's grace to fall on me,
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will deserve it,
When I'm able to believe again.

So DT posed that somewhat obvious question for me to work on this week. What do I want to/need to believe? This afternoon it was as if God delivered the answer to me as I was driving, because out of nowhere I stopped singing to the radio and it was just there.

I need to believe that someone can love me, as damaged as I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've decided that I am not worthy of anyone's love because of how I feel inside. I know my family loves me, but they "have" to.

*But deep down I know that I won't let anyone love me until I can figure out how to love myself.

Somehow that seems like the much harder thing to do.
May 2014 · 308
Can I Do This?
NitaAnn May 2014
I am so afraid. The path I have traveled over the past 30+ years has led me on all sorts of twists and turns, stops and starts, climbs and falls and I have ended up here. At the edge of a place I never thought I'd be, a place I never really planned on being, but yet my steps have lead me here.

I feel so alone. I'm on the edge of a confrontation that breaks all my rules. You can't possibly love and be faithful to God and have such anger towards Him. Or even if you do, you don't dare admit it. You become the fake person who pretends that everything is OK, but live in constant fear that your secret will be revealed.

Every ounce of me is trying to pull myself from the edge.

It just seems too dangerous.
May 2014 · 742
Hard Times
NitaAnn May 2014
I am having a hard time taking care of myself.
I'm not eating, I'm cutting, I'm beating myself down.

I am having a hard time believing that I am worth anything to anyone.
The shame of the abuse and the weight of carrying secrets
is messing with my mind. It's distorting my thoughts.


I am having a hard time locating God's spirit in me right now.
How many challenges can I possibly face
before I crumble under the pressure?
I feel lost.


I am having a hard time wanting to keep going on this path.*
I'm tired. I want to rest.
May 2014 · 8.2k
10W
NitaAnn May 2014
10W
Jimmy
Murdered
8 years past
Still heart-broken
Love you!
Today marks the 8 yr anniversary of my older brother's ******...words cannot begin to express the pain and anguish I feel today and everyday by not having him at my side! I love you, Big Bro!
May 2014 · 869
IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING....
NitaAnn May 2014
I have chosen to write about my journey of healing, maybe through this it will bring more healing as I write out my thoughts and my feelings, and also bring insight and healing to those who have or may not have walked a similar journey that I am now just beginning.

Today as I walked out of my appointment, DT gives me a hug and tells me to protect my heart...

The thought that runs through my mind is how do I protect my heart??? If you ask me, that's what I have been doing for the last 30+ years of my life, protecting my heart, building walls so that no one would be able to hurt me again....

You see I grew up in what most people would call, a HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL family. And I had to learn to protect myself at all costs...to survive no matter what happened....and along the way I built walls, and locked a lot of doors in my heart, and I threw away the key....I didn't just lock people out, I locked the little girl inside me in....

I didn't want people to hear or see that broken, wounded, bleeding little girl inside me....

And for many, many years I have hid her behind the title of being the Sweet Young Lady everyone wanted me to be...
                        At home I am the Mommy and doting Wife,
                        At work I am the dedicated Pharmacy Intern,
                        At School I am the overachieving Student....
but underneath those titles I am just a woman who loves the Lord,
but has never allowed Him into the locked rooms in her heart, never allowed Him to heal the broken little girl who still hides in the corner and cries at night.


So this is my journey...of taking off the masks and allowing God to walk me in a journey of healing. Some posts may be encouraging while others may be full of pain and raw truth....but I am taking a step to show the world the truth, the pain, the joy, and the journey of healing that I am only beginning...
May 2014 · 662
Seeing Behind The Smile
NitaAnn May 2014
A smile has a powerful message. It relays happiness, contentment, joy and love. It is a natural reaction as a result of one (or more) of these emotions. But sometimes we use our smiles incorrectly. Smiles should not hide sadness, pain, grief or loneliness.

Not only do we use our smiles to hide our feelings, but others do the same. How do we know when someone is truly happy or is using their smile to hide their real feelings? For most of us, we don't. Obviously the closer the relationship, the more you are going to recognize the attempt to cover up, but most of our daily interactions do not involve processing the true feelings of others. So is it surprising that we take the lead from others and plaster a permanent smile on our faces, too?

Today I have realized just how much that affects how I perceive other people. Tonight I decided it was time to get back on the wagon for real therefore prompting me to attend a meeting.  As I listened to the testimony of one of the leaders of the group, and his rocky road with abuse, ****** addiction, drug and alcohol use and ******* addiction, his breakdowns of multiple marriages, abandonment of his kids and the eventual path that lead him to God and to getting his life back in order. Listening to him go through his story, break down when he talked about how abandoned he felt as a young child, how empty he felt when he tried to use *** as a means to fill the hole in his heart, hit me hard. Not 30 minutes before, he was across the room, talking, eating, SMILING like nothing was wrong. And here he was before me, a flawed, hurt and broken person; just as every single one of us in that room is.

Why do we spend so much time hiding who we truly are? Why do we feel obligated to do this? Who are we protecting from our real feelings? There is no pretending that everything is happy behind our smiles. We all know otherwise. And for the first time I realized that I can be real. I don't have to always have a smile on my face, or reply "good or fine" when someone asks me how I am. I can take off my smile for a couple of hours a week and feel safe that no matter how I feel, I will be supported and loved.

Not everyone is given the amazing gift that I am just now realizing I have received. So the next time you put a smile on your face, I hope it is because you are truly happy, not masking your pain.
May 2014 · 237
LIVING LIFE
NitaAnn May 2014
How do you tell your heart to beat again, when it’s been numb and broken for so long? How do you start living life when all you have done for so many years is go through the motions and try to survive? How do you tell people around you that think you’re doing wonderful, that inside your hurting and not sure how to find God in the midst of the pain?

I have been sort of numb to life the last few months...because the emotions became too much to bear it was easier to pretend and try to forget if only for a few moments....

But deep down inside, I really want to live this abundant life that Jesus bought for me, when He paid the price on the Cross. I really want to walk with my God through the journey of healing, so that I can become the person, He has seen me as, since before I was born. I want to believe I am worthy of love, and that I am beautiful and breathe taking to my Creator.

I know one day I will get to that place and when I do it will be so amazing and this journey I am on will have been well worth it.....

Although right now there are a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts, and many sleepless nights, and tears cried.

For right now I remember the story in Matthew, where it talks about a man who asked Jesus to heal his son, And he told Jesus, “Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief"...

So today I am choosing to say "Lord, I believe in You and I trust that you are holding me in this and that You will continue to walk with me through all of this, but I ask that you help me in my areas of unbelief and doubts...in Jesus Name...Amen"
May 2014 · 238
10w
NitaAnn May 2014
10w
Received  call
More bad news
When does it end?

Never
May 2014 · 315
Hanging On
NitaAnn May 2014
I hang on because I know I am not alone.
I know I have people who care about me.
People who listen, care, and give a **** about me;
Not the fake me, but the REAL me.
Accept me and love me despite all of my flaws and shortcomings.
You believe in me and send me love every day.

One moment at a time...
I can keep trying.
I can keep hoping.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I am doing this.

Thank you for believing in me.
Time to stop pushing people who care away, time to start trusting, time to start letting others help me through the struggle of life. It's time.
May 2014 · 225
She Listened
NitaAnn May 2014
She listened
She sat with me
She tried to help me stay grounded
But most importantly...
She made me feel safe.
She was still there the next day
Still trying to listen
And understand all of me
Because she is kind and patient.
She cares and it shows.

Do I dare...
Let my guard down?
Is it safe?
Can I trust?
I want to
I need to.
Apr 2014 · 288
10W
NitaAnn Apr 2014
10W
Still in shock
Odds of beating
Irony
Not ready yet
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