Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Jun 9 · 228
Looking Back
NitaAnn Jun 9
Looking back over the last twelve years
Wondering why I am still here
Unsuccessive at living or ending my life

Have there been good times?
I suppose that depends
On your definition of good

Its an anniversary
Reminders of the pain and grief
That I both endured and gave

Looking back
I am more than that
I survived - I have overcome
Oct 2017 · 692
Knocking on Death's Door
NitaAnn Oct 2017
I stand here knocking
On Death's door
I am asking to come in
Life is too overwhelming
I am ready to move on
Maybe the next life
Will treat me kinder
As this life has been hard
So I stand here knocking
On Death's door.
Oct 2017 · 632
Beyond Hope
NitaAnn Oct 2017
I am so tired..ready to just give up
Basically
Beyond hope
Past caring
Over it

Life is too hard
Every turn
Slammed door
Hurt feelings

I cannot keep going
Do not have it in me
Hopes are dashed
Spirit crushed

Do not cry for me
I was damaged from birth
Now
I am just beyond hope
Oct 2017 · 597
so this happened...
NitaAnn Oct 2017
so this happened...
it has happened before
then i can stop
but it always comes back
back to the blade
the shiny blade
it calls my name
begs to feel my skin
as it slices
red bubbles up
and runs down my arm
funny i don't feel the pain
so it cuts again
and again
making thin red lines
so this happened....
Oct 2017 · 689
Forgotten
NitaAnn Oct 2017
I feel forgotten
Nobody seems to care
Or be there when I need them

Only one to remember
Is the one who hurt me
He never leaves

Forgotten
Alone

It hurts
To be forgotten
Oct 2017 · 615
Bridging the Gap
NitaAnn Oct 2017
I know you don't understand
BUT
I have been trying to bridge the gap.

You do not know me
And I don't really know you
I don't trust you.
To have a true relationship
We are going to have
Get to know each other
On common ground.

I need a minute
I need you to understand
That this relationship that you are ready for
Is just too much to ask of me
UNREASONABLE
BAD THINGS did happen
HORRIBLE THINGS I cannot just forget.

My impulse is not to lean on you
NOT YET
You are pushing me away
By pushing yourself on me
I need you to let me come to you
As I am ready
STOP
Forcing yourself on me
STOP
Putting me in a position
Where I have to say no.

There is a huge gap
Between how you see me
And how I see me
This will take time, patience
And tremendous effort
To bridge that gap.

I know you don't understand
BUT
I am trying to bridge the gap.
I am so frustrated.
Oct 2017 · 559
Self-Judgement
NitaAnn Oct 2017
Self
Personal
Me
Alone

Judgement
Punishment
Deserved
Guilty

Facing
My
Own
Inadequaties

Self-Judgement*

Sentence passed

Only death will pay
Sep 2017 · 467
Tormented
NitaAnn Sep 2017
I cannot sleep
I lay awake
My soul is
Tormented
The past
The present
All haunted me
What I have done
Who I am
Fear of rejection
Not being enough

I long to be loved
To be better
To be enough

Be alas
My fate is written
My soul tormented
Mar 2017 · 738
Always Alone
NitaAnn Mar 2017
Always alone
Never fitting in
Does not matter what I do
I will always be on the outside
Alone and forgotten
Jan 2017 · 638
Tracing the Scars
NitaAnn Jan 2017
I have not felt the urge in so long
Tonight the desire is strong
I attempt to resist
But I find myself tracing the white lines
Over and over again

For now, I trace with my fingertip
However, tonight the desire is strong
The desire to see the shine of the blade
To feel the pull as it neatly slices the skin
To see the bright red as it fills in behind the blade
How long can I resist this urge

Now where did that come from
Look a shiny blade in my hand
I have missed you
Let me see you work
Let us make new scars
Jan 2016 · 649
The End
NitaAnn Jan 2016
She looked in the mirror
Looking back at her
Was a monster
A monster that was made
A monster that needed to be defeated.

Who would win this battle?

She is lying there
Smoking gun in her hands
Unseeing eyes stare up at the ceiling
A trail of blood and brains

The monster grins...He won this round.

She looks at the bottles
Bottle of pills and a bottle of Jack
Just take them...wash them down
The monster whispers.

She complies
Drifting off into a never-ending sleep.

The monster smiles...He won again.

She studies her reflection
In the blade in her hand
Just a few quick slits
And it will all be over.
Trails of sticky, warm blood
Run down her hands
She watches as her life
Pumps out with the last beats
Of her heart.

The monster laughs...he always wins.

*In the end, it does not matter how it came
What matters is He won.
Jan 2016 · 1.8k
Bondage
NitaAnn Jan 2016
I am a captive
Bound by the past
Unable to move forward
Constant struggle
Reality distorted
Forever marred by his love

Maybe I do not deserve better
I deserve the restraints
The beatings are mine
Cherish them
Embrace the hurt
Jan 2016 · 525
Standing On the Outside
NitaAnn Jan 2016
Standing on the outside
Looking in
Wishing...Wondering
Whose family this is
How are they so happy
When I am so sad
Do I have a place in there?
Will I ever fit in?
Sep 2015 · 1.6k
Darkness Falls
NitaAnn Sep 2015
As day turns to night
My anxiety grows
I want to release control
I am tired of fighting
Yet my will is stubborn

sigh....give in already.

*As night falls
The darkness surrounds me.
Sep 2015 · 1.0k
Voices
NitaAnn Sep 2015
I have tried so hard to move forward
I really want to be happy
To accomplish things
Put the Past behind.

But the voices in my head
They whisper and yell
Lies, and half-truths
They make me doubt.

They can twist everything
Make it seem like I am
Unwanted, unloved
A failure.

I do not know how to silence them.
Aug 2015 · 1.4k
Puppet Master
NitaAnn Aug 2015
I am his little puppet
He calls, I run
He hits, I break
He touches, I cringe and endure
He controls me

He controls my spirit
He controls my mind

I try to untie the strings
And be a real person
But each time I slip one off
He is right back to tie it on tighter.

The puppet master
He beckons for me
He wants to see me dance
I dance for him
With silent tears
rolling down my cheeks.
Wishing I could take a string and wrap it around my neck.
Aug 2015 · 535
Broken, Again
NitaAnn Aug 2015
I try so hard to not let him win
But then the letter or call comes
And I am right back there again
Under his control.

Feeling lost and hurting
Wanting all the pain to leave.

My head hurts
My heart is broken
I am a mess.

I cannot function like this anymore
I am done

He has ruined my day....again.

Happy Birthday to me
He's back.
Jun 2015 · 702
Lessons Learned From Father
NitaAnn Jun 2015
Let's reflect today
This "Father's Day"
What have I learned from him:

I learned that I am worthless
Only good for his pleasure.

I learned that people you love
Will hurt and use you.

I learned that women
Are *** toys to be abused.

I learned to keep my mouth shut and not cry
If was only worse if you cried.

I learned how to lie there and pretend
So he could get his pleasure.

I learned that I am broken
Broken by his fists and words.

I learned that I will never be good enough
For his love and respect.

I learned that I am to be seen and not heard
Unless you want to be beaten senseless.

I learned that nobody should be trusted
Everybody lies and uses.


These are the lessons I have learned from "Daddy"
Lessons I don't wish for any little girl to have to learn.

Happy Father's Day to the worst father alive.
May you rot in hell someday!
May 2015 · 638
The Urge
NitaAnn May 2015
Laying outside.
Got a shiny new blade in hand.
I love the way the sun shimmers off it.
A new blade...needs to be used.

I am actually feeling good.
But still have the urge.
The  urge  to cut.
To feel that  slice  into skin.

I am  addicted  to cutting.
I feel a rush knowing what is coming.
The quickness of the  blade.
The slight pull of the skin.
Then the  red  bubbles of  blood.
That led into a path of  red  running
Down my arm.

Initiating the new  blade.
Cutting tonight.
Not to dull a pain.
But out of a  desire  to feel it.
May 2015 · 605
Standing Tall
NitaAnn May 2015
In a few hours I will be facing the monster.
The one who took my innocence,
My childhood, my soul.
I need to take back control
I pray for strength.
He needs to pay for the hurt
The hurt then and now.
My lack of being able to function normally....his doing.
I need to stand tall
Be firm...make him suffer
Like he made me.

I can do this
The time has come
Today you pay!
May 2015 · 667
Facing Demons
NitaAnn May 2015
I am headed for a fight
Tired of running
He is always gonna win
Unless I take a stand
It is time
Only one of us
Will walk away.
Time to face the father and make him pay.
May 2015 · 911
Someone??
NitaAnn May 2015
My heart is longing
Longing for something
Or someone
To fill this void in my life.

Someone who will love
All of me
Including the bad and ugly parts.

Someone who will take the time
To learn my secrets
What haunts me at night
Who will not run away when it gets tough.

Someone who will help me
Fight the demons inside
Who will stand next to me
And hold my hand.

My heart is longing
Longing for something
Or someone
To fill this void in my life.

I am here
Where are you??
May 2015 · 550
Pet Project
NitaAnn May 2015
I am

NOT

Your

Pet project!

You cannot fix broken!
Walk away
Don't look back!*

STOP
May 2015 · 1.4k
Walking Away
NitaAnn May 2015
I am done
Done struggling
Finished trying
Doesnt matter
What I say or do
Never good enough.

I will never become
What you want.

The struggle is wearing me down
I cannot take it anymore
I am tired
So tired

Tonight
I am
Walking away.

The end is here.
May 2015 · 820
Flip A Switch
NitaAnn May 2015
I stand here
Alone
Afraid

Unnoticed
As the world spins.

What am I doing wrong?
Why will nobody help me?

I try so hard to figure this out
This mystery of life
Why some are accepted
While others are cast out

I belong to the outcasts
Unloved
Unworthy
Forgotten

I stand here and watch
Nobody pays attention to me
A broken hurting little girl
Unless I get in the way
Then it's a swift kick to the curb
Learn your place
You are not welcome here

I wish I could flip a switch
Make things right
Know how to fix the wrongs
Turn evil into good

But life is not a light switch.
May 2015 · 662
Fitting In
NitaAnn May 2015
Each day is a struggle.
Does not matter what the situation.
I never seem to fit in.
I try so hard.
I observe what the others do.

I hear his voice,
You're bad.
You're broken.


I think he was telling the truth.
I will never understand how to be normal.
How to not stand out like a sore thumb.
I am broken, bad to the core.

I want to be normal.
I hate not feeling a part.
I hear their whispers,
Feel their stares when I enter.

I hang on the outside.
Wanting so bad to be included.
Nobody wants the bad girl.
She has been broken.

**Poor broken NitaAnn
Apr 2015 · 633
Heartbroken
NitaAnn Apr 2015
I cannot think straight
Life is a muddy blur
Nothing makes sense
I just sit here
Cannot process
Try to focus
Find a purpose
A direction to take.

My heart is hurting
Broken into a million pieces
Not sure if its worth it anymore
How do I do cope without you?

I do not want to continue alone.
Apr 2015 · 506
Plans
NitaAnn Apr 2015
Why do we make plans?

We plan our lives
Out day by day.
Saying we want
To go here
Accomplish this and that.

But in reality
Nothing ever goes the way you plan.

Bumps in the road
Detours
Side paths.

Never the way you plan
So why do we bother?

Stop planning for a future
That may never come.

Learn to cherish today
You may not have tomorrow.
Apr 2015 · 32.7k
Gone too Soon
NitaAnn Apr 2015
I miss your smile
The  way you made me feel
You, the invincible brother
Me, your faithful sidekick

Why is a question I have asked
Over and over again
It has been 9 years
Without you

So much you have missed
I think about you daily
Wishing you were here

I want to hear your laugh
I want you to come ruffle my hair

You were taken too soon
It is not fair that I am here, alone

I miss you,  Jimmy!
Experiencing lots of losses in my life right now and coming up on the anniversary of my brother's ******. Miss you, Jimmy! <3
Apr 2015 · 810
Empty Heart
NitaAnn Apr 2015
An empty heart is a dangerous thing

Once my heart was full
Full of life
Full of hope
Full of desires

But then you came
You torn those away
Piece by piece
Until here I stand
Empty

Now without hope
I go through life
With no thoughts of those I hurt
Like you taught me
Use and Discard
I was a good pupil

An empty heart is a dangerous thing
Apr 2015 · 684
And Yet
NitaAnn Apr 2015
Here I am again
Facing the same
Disappointments
Hurts, regrets.

And yet I thought this time would be different.

Stupid girl
Will you never learn?
You are unworthy.

And yet again my heart yearns
Pleading maybe this time.
Mar 2015 · 1.4k
Functional...Fail
NitaAnn Mar 2015
I look around me
Everybody seems so comfortable
They know how to interact
They can talk easily with each other
They know how to treat each other.

Me, I stand here...stupid
Mute, afraid to speak
Everytime I think I have it figured out
I stumble and fail.

When did I miss the lesson on functioning in life?
Why is so hard for me to talk, interact?

Tired of failing
I am just gonna stand here
In the corner, mute
Don't mind me.
Feb 2015 · 633
Depleted
NitaAnn Feb 2015
I
am  lost
struggling
emotionally
Life is more than
I can currently handle
Nobody understands
the inner workings
of my mind
hurting
tired
me

I am such a walking mess, do not know what to think, where to turn who can I trust, who should I trust, who is real, am I even real, how to make this all stop spinning and just make sense. You say you understand and I believe that you really do want to understand but  you do no get how my mind processes thoughts, emotions, frustrations..

I have struggled for too long, I do not know another way, I try to learn, to follow your examples, to try it your way but  my mind cannot get it.

I have tried and now I am body, mind, and soul depleted.
Feb 2015 · 564
Insomniac
NitaAnn Feb 2015
I can not sleep
I toss and turn night after night
I have gone 4 long days
Without sleep

Exhaustion racks my body
I am a zombie
So tired

Why is sleep eluding me
What fears are keeping me awake

Fears of being small
Fears of my father
No

These are not the fears of present
I fear of losing you
You have been mine for so long
Can I have a life without you
Am I strong enough

I fear not
Feb 2015 · 563
Falling Off
NitaAnn Feb 2015
The struggle is real these days.
Seems like every wagon
That DT encourages me to stay on
I keep falling off of.

Come on, Nita, get on
Join the No SI Wagon
Up I hop
And almost as quickly as I am on
I find myself barely staying there
Before you know it
Off I fall
To my
Demise.

Come on, Nita, get on
Join the Sober Wagon
Up I go
And it is the same story
Barely hanging out
Soon to come flying off.

Why can I not stay on?
Does not matter what the wagon is
I am a failure at staying on.
Falling off at the smallest frustrations.

Somebody out there
Share your secrets
How does this work?
What am I doing wrong?
Feb 2015 · 699
What Ifs
NitaAnn Feb 2015
My life is full of questions
I don't have the answers
I don't know that I want to know.

What if he leaves?
What if we don't fix things?
What if I have to start over alone?
What if he doesn't stop?
What if I cannot make it?
What if this is the end?


Whose fault is this?
Mine?
His?
How do I fix it?
Can I fix it?
Should I fix it?


These are only a few of the questions
Racing through my head
I don't have the answers
And I don't know if I want them.
Feb 2015 · 846
No Words
NitaAnn Feb 2015
I do not have words
That will express
How I am feeling right now.*

Overwhelmed
Lost
Hurting
Exhausted


*These barely scratch
The surface of how I feel.
Feb 2015 · 761
This Is Wrong
NitaAnn Feb 2015
I have walked this road before
Familiar faces and things I see.

But wait...

Something has changed
Something is wrong.

What changed?
Is it me?

Things are twisted
This is wrong
I shouldn't be here.

Quickly I turn
I need to leave
The path is changing
Nothing looks the same
This is wrong
So very wrong.

I start to run
I feel hands grabbing me
Groping me as I try to push through
Crying, Sobbing

I am not going to make it
I don't know where to go
Nothing is the same
Nobody is friendly
I am lost.
Feb 2015 · 3.2k
Wandering
NitaAnn Feb 2015
I have been in a fog
It surrounds me
I cannot seem to get out
Every way I turn
Is a dead end, wrong turn
Full of lies and broken trust
Confusion as I think I see a way out
Only to be once again be disappointed.

I thought I heard you call my name
I turn this way and that way
Looking, trying to see through the darkness
I  hear you but its so faint
I don't know how to find you
I  don't know how to escape.

Something or someone brushes my arm
I jump back afraid
His laughter haunts me
Still taunting me to find an escape.

I am so tired of this aimless wandering
Please come find me
I am going to just stop here
Hurry Hurry
Please find me before he does
If he finds me first  
Punishment will be his sweet pleasure
Hurry Hurry
I am waiting
Scared and alone.

How will this night end
Will I be safe in your arms
Or tormented again in his?
Jan 2015 · 1.2k
Broken Trust
NitaAnn Jan 2015
I didn't see this coming
You know all my secrets
All my hurts.
You are now using
All of these to hurt me.
To prove that you are boss
That you are in charge.
My heart is breaking
I thought you were
My Prince Charming.
You have managed
To turn my life upside down.
I am so confused and hurt.
Why do you get to do wrong
Yet I am the one punished.
Jan 2015 · 1.4k
Parents
NitaAnn Jan 2015
I wish I had parents
The ones who were kind and loving
The ones who cared for you when you were sick
Someone who loved me unconditionally
Would be there to encourage  and guide

I am small and alone
Nobody cares
My "parents" use me for their pleasure
Nobody tends to my wounds
Nobody kisses me goodnight
Nobody holds me as I cry

Why
Why did you get loving parents
And I got ones who abused
What did I do wrong?
Pretty sure I am running a fever and slightly dehydrated been sick for awhile....just want a "mommy" or "daddy" to comfort me and love me.
Jan 2015 · 1.3k
Unraveling
NitaAnn Jan 2015
The threads of my life
Slowing being pulled apart
Unraveling
I do not know how to stop
The damage
Repair the holes
They continue to grow
These holes in my soul
Constant pulling
Unraveling
My clumsy attempts
At patches
Failing over and over
Can anybody help me?
Jan 2015 · 372
Nobody
NitaAnn Jan 2015
nobody sees my struggle
the pain which never leaves
nobody really cares
forever and always
alone i will be

i wish you could talk
you have always been here
tonight you are shiny and new
i can rely on you
to slice into the pain
make it flow red from my body
rid me of the evil inside

why did i think i could
face this without you
you are the constant
my one and only

tonight we face this together
one slice at a time
let's dance slowly
working our way to
a blessed end
nobody really cares like they say they do! tiredof the lies! he lied to me from birth about his love! nobody is gonna understand, just end it now while you still can!
Jan 2015 · 697
Playing the Game
NitaAnn Jan 2015
I have been playing the game of life
Been dealt a rough hand
Have learned to smile
Fake my way through situations
Learned to pretend I knew
Putting forth just enough
Some would say
You have made it far
Keep going
You can do it

However the end is near
I cannot keep up
The game has overcome me
Pretending won't work
I need real skills
Afraid it is too late

Game Over
Jan 2015 · 1.3k
Tangled Emotions
NitaAnn Jan 2015
Saying good-bye to another year
Wish I could say it had been
A year of healing and rebuilding
But no
Another year full of emotional scars
As I look back
I am filled with sadness
Regrets
Never thought I would make it this far
Unsure that I want to face another year
No guarantee that this new year will be better
Not sure I can handle any more
Maybe tonight I should say good-bye
To both 2014 and Nita

Bye
So long
Hope your days left are well
Don't mourn
Be happy
Live life for both of us
Dec 2014 · 7.7k
Fighting Demons
NitaAnn Dec 2014
Sitting here
All alone
Or at least I think I am alone
But really I am surrounded
Surrounded by the demons
Demons of memories old and new.

I am struggling
Struggling to hold them off
Holding my blade tightly
Occasionally swinging it wildly.

Please leave me alone
I cannot take anymore
The fight is leaving me fast.

Blood is running from
Not from them but from me
Wounds both old and new
Being torn open
The ground is red.

Things grow dim
Gonna just lie down
I give up
Let the darkness overtake me.
Dec 2014 · 638
Maybe, Just Maybe
NitaAnn Dec 2014
Maybe this time will be different
Maybe this time he will be sorry
Maybe amends will be made
Maybe I will finally get closure
Maybe, just maybe.
In less than 12 hours I will be face to face with my "father"...I am nauseous and already struggling to breathe. Each time I want it to be different, I want him to be sorry for what he did to me, what he still does to me in my nightmares. I want him to be sorry for ******* me up not only physically but emotionally.  Maybe this will be the time...
Dec 2014 · 469
Level Red
NitaAnn Dec 2014
My safety advisory system been elevated to RED

Please be aware of your surroundings at all times and do NOT leave your body unattended....but! I should capitalize that...BUT it is not always a choice. And lately, awareness and attendance to my body have not been a choice. I cannot stay in this body at night. It is uninhabitable. And I tell DT there is so much I can’t talk about. So many things that happened that I’m so ashamed of ~ things I cannot believe I did. And I don’t trust myself. I don’t like the huge blackness that surrounds me that continues to threaten me every night.

I don’t want to remember. I want to forget it all. All of it. Because at night, when the anguish and pain torment me to the point I consider taking a bottle of Vicodin, and slitting my wrists in the bathtub, it scares me. So many things that remind me of back then terrorize me now, in my present moment. And I know I need help with it ~ but at the rate I’m able to communicate about this stuff, I will surely be dead before the torment stops. DT tells me to be patient, be patient…but it just keeps getting worse and one night my patience is going to run out and I will do something irreversible.  But still he says, be patient, he says he has respect and patience and he will be here when I'm ready to talk.  But I'm afraid to speak because the truth is too scary.  I offered to draw him a picture instead.  His patience feels infinite and yet I still feel as though I am drowning and he is taking too much time blowing up the life raft.  

I feel sick. And I feel worried. The pain is torturing me and the pain meds barely touch it. It’s that bad right now.  I want to cut...it’s been a struggle.

And I feel worried. And not just for me. I have two good friends whom are also struggling and I don’t know how to help them because I feel so lost too right now. I want to help them but I don’t know what to do. Just be right here, I guess. I wish I could tell them that it’s going to be okay ~ and I could say that, but I don’t know how long it will be before we make it to okay ~ and I don’t know if I have the energy make it that far.

My Security threat level has now been raised to RED. I am safe right this minute, but I don’t know how long I can stay that way…there is no way to tell.
Dec 2014 · 1.6k
Regrets
NitaAnn Dec 2014
There are so many things that I regret
The list is longer than I can write here
Each day brings more regrets
I regret that I do not learn from past regrets.

I regret not saying I am sorry
I regret not forgiving and moving on
I regret not being fully honest
I regret not letting you in
I regret...*

Reminders of past failures
Ever in the forefront of my mind
Getting lost in the confusion
Reality that I live in
Emotional
Trying and failing
Sorry
Dec 2014 · 1.0k
Longing
NitaAnn Dec 2014
You keep chipping away
At the walls I  have built around me
I long to let you in
I long to let you see the real me.
But instead I am busy repairing the cracks
And keeping the wall fortified.

I long to be touched
And not recoil instantly
I long to be able to  share  emotions
To let you see my tears
To hold me as I cry.

I long for these things
I do not want to be alone  
here behind the walls.

Please keep chipping away
Do not give up on me
I long for the day
you break through to me.
Next page