"Are you okay?"
You ask

"Well define 'okay'"
I answer

My heart is beating
Granted, too fast

My blood is flowing
I just checked

My brain is functioning
I'm thinking too much

My stomach is active
It's angry for me not eating

My lungs are moving
I'm just out of breath

Beyond physically?
No I'm definitely not okay

The tide comes in
       The tide goes out
The sun goes up
       The sun goes down
The moon will wax
       The moon will wane
The life will live
        The life will die
The sad girl will be sad
        The sad girl will stay sad

Some things are just constant

Can you still say you're lonely
When you're the one keeping others out?

Once you're past
The initial wall around my heart

You'll find that
The only defense I have
Is a rusty wire tomato cage

And all that does
Is keep me standing

You know,
I think I'd make a good penguin

They're built for
Cold weather
Where most birds can't go
They thrive

They have to stay in their comfort zone
The cold tundra
They can't go out
Or they'll die

They watch the other birds soar
But know they can never join
They stay in their ice-filled wilderness
And keep two feet on the ground

And that is okay

I think we have a lot in common
I think I would make a good penguin

I'm not just 'fine'
I'm fine and.....

I'm fine
As in I'm alive
The 'and' is for everything else

I'm fine and...
Sad

Fine and...
Lonely

Fine and...
Scared

Fine and...
Worried

Fine and...
Stressed

Fine and...
Dying

As you can see,
That silent 'and' in
"I'm fine and..."
Is very important

Watch out
She's five steps from the river

I'm so ugly
She thinks

Now she is
Four steps from the river

I'm so stupid
She says to herself

Uh oh
Now three steps from the river

You're not normal
Someone says

And pushes her
Two steps from the river

A laugh in the back
At her presentation

Quick, help her
She's one step from the river

And as someone says
You're not wanted here

She takes the final step
Zero steps from the river

She's gone

Don't say,
"I'm ugly"
You'll insult nature

Don't say,
"I'm a mistake"
You'll insult God

Don't say,
"I'm sad"
You'll insult your parents

Don't say,
"I'm lonely"
You'll insult your friends

In fact,
Don't say anything
You'll insult something

You can think it,
But even if it's true,
**Don't say it

I'll probably start my night on here
Reading these words
Right here on hellopoetry
Then around 2 am I'll be too tired
And the words will blur
And make no sense

Next I will replay
Everything I did that day
And criticize it
What did I do wrong?
How many mistakes did I make today?

I may fall asleep
Stay that way maybe an hour
Maximum

Then I'll have a nightmare
Wake up tears streaming down my face
I'll probably sneak out then
Just to get away

Then I'll wait till morning
The images playing again and again
Through my mind

And when morning finally comes
And my mother asks me,
"How did you sleep?"
I'll smile answer,
"I slept fine"

There are some
Who are fireworks
They light up the sky
Earn lots of "ooh"s and "ah"s

Then there are the flames
The ones who light the fireworks
Their job is important
They allow the fireworks to shine
Some notice them
But not many

And finally there are people like me
The matchsticks
Yes,
Just the wooden bit
We don't get noticed
We don't shine like the others
All we do
Is burn away
So others aren't burnt

We are useful
But not necessary
We don't dazzle
And we are easy to come by

In this world
Of fireworks

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

Why is it
That every thought in my head
Is killing me?

Why do I want to die?
Why do I want to cry?
What the heck is wrong with me?

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

I'm sorry world
I didn't mean to burden you
I know I shouldn't be here
But I'm here anyways
And I'm sorry

I'm sorry world
I know I only mess things up
I know I don't belong
But I'm still here
So I'm sorry

I'm sorry world
It's not like I want to be here either
I didn't have much choice in the matter
But I wound up here
And I'm sorry

I'm really really sorry world
But no worries
I don't plan on sticking around much longer
Anyway

You're welcome

No;
You don't understand
You can't understand
You will never understand

I don't hurt
I hurt

I'm not sad
I'm sad

I'm not lonely
I'm lonely

I'm not scared
I'm scared

I'm not tired
I'm tired

I can see where you'd be confused
And no matter what you say
I know:
**You don't understand

I am not afraid
Of the great lakes

Despite their vastness
Despite their coldness
Despite their power
Despite their deepness

I don't know why
I suppose it's because

I already know my insignificance
I already know I don't matter

My heart is already colder than the water
It cannot hurt me

This pain I feel
Is more powerful than the strongest waves

And I am not afraid of drowning
In their depths
In fact, I hope for it sometimes

So no,
The great lakes don't scare me

Okay, fine
I lied
I'm not okay
I haven't been okay
Not for a long time

I don't remember what joy is
Or what it feels like
I thought I had
But then I watched them laughing
And I realized
That what I was feeling was not joy

And then I heard the teasing
The mean words
I saw the treatment they gave me
They think I'm stupid
And so do I
That's when the cuts started

Now I want to cry
No one cares
I don't care
Do I?
Should I?

I want to die
I want to **** myself
I think
I wish, in reality
Should I?

My heart is so broken
I'm so totally worthless
So my heart is for sale
Half-price only

I think it still works
I know the pain
And fear section does

The bit for joy
Is long out of use

And the piece for love
Is quite broken

But it mostly still works
So,
I've got half-price heart for sale

It used to be
That I would escape the world
Through sleep

Then the nightmares came
And now
I am not even allowed
That 'luxury'

Jumping high,
She stretched with all her might
Fingers passing inches below
The first firefly of the night

It flew deep into the woods
She chased it far into the night
But she was not afraid
Following that firefly's bright light

In fits and bursts,
It grew dim, then bright
And as it led, she fearlessly ran
Deeper and deeper, into the twilight

The night grew darker
But the firefly brighter
The girl ran on as,
The forest grew quieter

This part of the woods
She had never explored
"Come follow me, follow me"
Her beacon implored

She followed yet further
The beasts of the forest grew near
But still she followed
And felt no fear

A last turn she was led on,
Then onto a beach
A pond, long held secret
She stopped, flushed as a peach

Soon she had to go back
With her the firefly stayed
To light up her soul
And forever brighten her days

If you ask me
"How are you?"
You'll get one of two answers

Either,
"I'm fine",
Or "Same as always"

Well "always" *****
And I'm not fine

So don't bother asking me
"How are you?

Because 'always' is not okay
And I'm not fine

I am worthless
I'm about to fall
But that's okay
No one else cares
So why should you?

I am worthless
I can't contribute
All I do is waste
Waste anything and everthing
Food
Water
Shelter
Words
Light
Time
Space
Everthing I touch is wasted

I am worthless
Don't bother trying to save me
If I leave
If I die
It will be better for everyone

I am worthless
Just let me die

I've found
That once you start
Digging your own grave
There are two types of people in this world

The ones who will help
Who will grab a shovel
And join the digging
Then give you a shove in
Once you're done

And the ones who will hinder
Who will steal and break your shovels
And shove dirt back in the hole
And when the time comes
They won't let you jump in

Hey,
I know it's hard
But I need you
Please stay

Hey,
I know you've been hurt
But I will never leave you
Please hold on

Hey,
I can't promise it will be okay
But I try to make it that way
Please keep going

Hey,
You're my best friend
I need you
Please, please stay
Stay here with me
I need you

Hey,
Let's make it okay together

You tell me to grow up
To stop being a child

That I am being weak
I don't actually hurt that bad

Well news flash:
I am a child
And I do hurt that bad

Society says

Don't cry;
That's weak

Don't talk about pain
That's selfish

Don't be smart
That's nerdy

Don't talk much
That's annoying

Don't be yourself
That's stupid

I hate myself
I really do
Everything about myself
It's awful

The way I can't ever explain how I feel
Just right

Or how I am so freaking
Ugly

The way no one likes me
Because I don't fit in

How I never sleep
And cry each night

I hate myself
Totally and completely

Someone told me that this is selfish
Well I'm sorry
I'll just quit trying to hate myself
Because this pain is clearly intentional

**I hate myself

Dear Layla,

Thanks so much
You ruined my life
Congratulations
I know you tried

All those mean words
They hurt
I pretended they didn't
But they did
And still do

"You're fat"
"You're lazy"
"You're stupid"
"You're slow"
"No one likes you"

It's fine though
You can say those things
It's a free country
Just know:

If I **** myself,
It's on you

I'm sorry that I cry
And that I want to die

It's not like I asked to be this way
It's just who I am

I'm sorry that I lie
It's not like I try

It's only when I have to
To hold my cover

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want your wings
I don't want to fly

I've been dropped on my face
Too many times

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want to soar
I don't want to own the sky

I'm scared of heights
You see

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't trust you
And I never will
So just leave

To make a poem is simple
All you need is

Nights of tears
A bit of blood
A lot of pain
A touch of peace
Heaps of feelings

All you need is

Pure exhaustion
Fear
Anger
Love
Sadness

All you need is

A whole load of
Emotion

Then when that explodes
Out of your body
You just need to somehow direct
All of it onto
A piece of paper

That's how you make poetry

Dear old best friend,

I am fine without you
Things are going well
I'm fine
Really I am
I don't need you

Sincerely,
Nicole

P.S. Everything above was totally a lie

P.S. I'm so not fine

P.S. I miss you

P.S. I need you

P.S. This pain is killing me

P.S. I loved you

P.S. When I said goodbye I meant it

P.S. Tell the world I'm sorry

P.S. I'm leaving now

P.S. Please stop me if you care

Keep your friends close
But your enemies closer

It's a good rule
But here's a better one:

If you want to survive
Keep 'em all at least
An arms' length away

Because if you let them in
When they leave
And they will leave

It just might **** you

You must be perfect
Never mess up

Be beautiful
Never average

Be smart
But not too smart

Be silly
But not ridiculous

No you're too fat
Too tall
Your hair is too frizzy
And what's with the bangs?

What are you thinking?
You look like a nerd
You want to look smart
But not that smart

Idiot
You're far too quiet
Be louder
But not so loud you're annoying
You'll never fit in

Just be perfect
Don't make any mistakes
Oh wait
It's too late for that

You stupid human
You're too human
You're supposed to be perfect
It's what everyone expects
But you're failing miserably

WWND
What would Nicole do?

I've changed so much
There is sadness in my eyes
But I can't let it show
It can never show

So for each and every decision
I ask myself,
WWND
What would Nicole do?

I don't want to do that
I'm too frightened
I don't want to get up
I'm too tired

But I'm not allowed to be me
So I ask myself,
WWND
What would Nicole do?

I build a mask
And let no one in

WWND
What would Nicole do?

The laws of gravity are simple

What goes up
Must come down

But what goes down
*Keeps going down

"The heart is deceitful
Above all things
And beyond cure
Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

The bible says this
And I agree