When I layed
With her body against and on my body
Her head just under my chin on my chest listening to my heartbeat
Her light brown hair with hints of red when it hits the sunlight just right
against my skin
Steady breath compared to my uneven, nervous,
Her hand across my stomach
Rising and falling
My fingers tracing circles on her back
Like I sometimes do with him
Our strong legs tangled
Worried if I move she will shift
Like a cat that has fallen asleep on your lap
And is
So warm.

When I see you
I feel so warm
Heart leaps
Come talk to me
I see you
Working at the library
Or every night at dance class
And you like that I flirt with you
And you like that I like girls sometimes
And I like that you like girls all the time

But you are slightly out of reach
Me, tied to another
You, tied to nothing imparticular
Him, I love him, but....

Tonight I push these thoughts out of my head

Tonight we are one body

More intimate than ***

And it didn't last that long.

We were in a room full of other people watching a horror movie and pretending to be scared so we could touch each other innocently...

but I'll never forget your warmth,

Or your hair

Or that couch

Or what we did there.

If I were to tell you something...

And have you understand it..

Like really understand it...

I'd tell you,

Grow up but don't give in

Move on but not away

The people that promise they'll always be there

Never stay

I will not rest until the trees outside my windows do
Their sway
I wonder what makes them so unsteady...
But it isn't really my window
Or my house
Or my bed
Just like how
This night does not belong to me
Kinda like my own head
I give away parts of me
That I refuse to need
Like love
Or dreams
I push ******* to my Lips
Inhale and then exhale
Pretending I have a cigarette balanced between them
I love the taste of cigarettes even though I know they are killing machines
I love you
Fiercely
When I know **** well
You could end me
It's like that song I heard once
Alone
But I felt less lonely after I heard it
For some reason
Ghosts haunt me
You could call obsession
Infidelity
You could call dreams
Unfaithful

You should've called me.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about my stupid lonely
You could know
That only you sit on my brains
'Wish list'
Only you fester in my belly
If you knew
About all the people I have broken to make myself appear a little more whole
Or how much growing up I did in a year
Or that January
Or that June
If only you knew
About my crazy
The kind that only makes sense to some people
But still doesn't make sense to you...
No
I will not rest until the trees do.

I've known you since I was seven,
We were both so far from heaven,

We didn't know,
We would grow.

Apart.

Abused, he was your light,
But he just wasn't right,

For you.

This is for you,
My ballad for you Bethany,

We became friends,
Our parents divorced,
Our life out of sorts,

This is how our lives are bound to go,
But i still can't let go,
You lived with us for three months,

Three months of pain,
Three months of healing,
Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,

Because blood doesn't stain sheets.

Not on my watch.

I still get little things that remind me of you,
And I wonder do you get that too?

Dear friend,


is how it begins


Without a goodbye


Is how it ends

Seasonal depression
Opens the wound
Again

Can't go Christmas tree shopping
Or ice skating
Without noticing the
Chasm

I'd give almost anything

Just to feel loved
Like that

For a day.

Sitting around a table,
Here we have your over thinkers,
Your impulsive thoughts,

I think depression's over there,
Sitting next to anxiety,

SOMEONE BE INTERESTING!
No ones talking!!!

Impulsive slides down in her chair,
Depression doodles on her arm,
Next to her scars,
Anxiety's leg bounces so fast,
Irritable claims it might fall off,
Then impulsive,
And anxiety,
Strike up conversation,
Irritable quickly joins,
And they come to quick agreement,

Humour, hugs coping mechanisms,
So that she will stop crying.
Irritable yells at depression:
"Stop sitting so near to me!"

Lonely walks in,

"I thought she was gone!"
Complained impulsive,

"I needed some company."
Shrugs depression.

They're sitting at a table,
In my brain,
Having conferences,
On how to get to me.

You ever look at a message and don't open it
Because you know if you do
You'll have to respond
And you just dont know how to



Right now

We used to say **** like
I should've kissed you

Now all we do is ask for nudes

Do you ever get the feeling?
When you know that you won't sleep,
The a certain kind of quiet,
That seems to never leave,
A pounding in your ear and a whisper in the dark,
Seem to be the only things keeping us apart,
It's 1am and here I am,
Contemplating life,
Playing it off cool,
When I'm engulfed with fright,
And that's when it happens,
Your creative juice starts flowing,
Even though it can feel quite freaky and alarming,
You reach for pen and paper,
Bleed out your so called closure,
Continue to do this,
As the days get older,
And here you are with blood stains on your sleeve,
And demons in your sleep,
It feels like one of those night perfect to stay awake

I've had bad days for as long as I can remember,
Anxiety, loneliness and depression swirling in my head.

(You might think loneliness and depression are the same but that's not true, loneliness is just a SYMPTOM of depression)

I used to have good days,
Light,
Days,
Where it didn't hurt as much,
Any more,
But these bad days come back,
And the came,
And they stayed,
For weeks at a time,
Anxiety had me mumbling,
"I'm fine"'s

(The actual act of being 'fine' is something I've never had the privilege of experiencing)

I got so many bad days,
My therapist,
(Along with my mother)
Tried to convince me they weren't,
ALL bad.

So,
I'm depressed, turned into:
The weather,
And, I'm alone,
Turned into:
Call your friends!
And,
I'm suicidal,
Turned into:
Philosophical.

I don't think you understand...

That this plan,
Of telling me my feelings aren't real,
Or that I shouldn't feel what I feel when I'm feeling it.
Isn't helping me,
Or saving me.
Because I remember being 12,
In an emergency room,
With death on my mind,
And burns on my wrist,
Being told,
I couldn't be admitted to a mental ward,
Because they only accept 13 year olds,
That, the qualifications,
Where there,
That I wanted to die,
But You were,
Just to young,
To be feeling,
What you were feeling,
When you were feeling it.

Because suicide isn't quirky.

I am a friend of indecisive,
Of misdirected,
Of **** infested,
I am a friend of pain,
I have an enemy,
Who bits my ****,
But he underestimates me,
He thinks I'm lame,
I am a friend of confession,
Depression,
Of bipolar,
Of anxiety,
You don't know who you are without me,
You become familiar with me,
You get close to me,
I'm the only thing you know,
With all certainty,
You can quote my regularity,
If other people push me out,
And your lost without me,
You'll invent me again yourself,
I am close cousins with stress,
But even closer to hate,
You will think of me In the wee hours,
You will miss my touch,
I have many faces,
Many things that keep me going,
Whether its your fear of failure,
Or you fear of any noise in the house at night,
Or Your mothers disapproval,
You weren't there for your best friend,
Why hadn't you read that text,
You have nightmares,
She's gone now she's dead,
I am best friends with PTSD
And abuse is my criminal partner,
You're scared of candles,
Scared of fire,
Because of the way you used to burn yourself,
You used to hurt yourself;

Everyone has bad days.
Some you want to take your life,

Others,
You can't believe,
You'd ever dream of it,
You'd ever think of it,
This is your last sunset,
But they never think that,
They only see bad things and i get it,
Suicide isn't romantic,
Depression isn't cute.
But my friends only think of reasons to die,
Never ones to live,
This is your last sunset,
This is your last sunrise,
Last baby's laugh,
Last tear you'll cry
And it sounds good at first,
At first it sounds so much better then Breathing;

But if you go on the bad days,
You'll never reach the good ones,
You're out,
You're the gender you've always felt inside,
You've found love,
You have a child,
You get sad to think,
That you could have ever thought that.

Stay strong.

Purple walls,
Waiting anxiously to be,
Blue,
Waiting desperately to be,
Fixed,
Holes and scars,
From you,
From me,
Writing on the wall,
Only from my insanity,
The floor is covered,
Laundry undone,
Old art projects,
Failed dreams,
And notebooks.

The bed,
Is where,
Where I like to rest,
However I'd sit there,
When I felt a pounding in my chest.
Stare at the ceiling till your eyes bleed,
Stare at the ceiling,
Till your demons flee,
The same room where,
I said my first i love you,
Where,
I meant my first I hate you,
Where friendships fell between the wall and the box spring,
And I,
Was too tired,
To retrieve them.

I slouch,
I lean,
I walk around aimlessly.

I hum,
Without realizing,
I yell,
Without caring.

BE MORE AWAKE

I'm falling asleep in my breakfast bagel,

And yawning into 2am Mac and cheese,
I'm crying in cars,

I'm zoning out,
I forgot to breathe.

BE MORE AWAKE
She's not worth it.
More harm then good,
Making more problems,
You don't need.

I knocked something over.
(I'm in the kitchen what the hell?)
I don't remember drinking tea..

Did I eat?

I feel faint,

NOPE

Run down to the kitchen,
Open the fridge,
Zone out,
Its 4am.

Close the fridge


Go back to sleep

I watched a movie
That comedically displayed
Suicide
And *******
Did I try to be offended
The whole time
But I feel like
For me at least
When you've been suicidal before
And you watch a movie
Like that
And everyone laughs
You learn to laugh along too.

And maybe
Some people
Could take offense
But that movie is a masterpiece

I learned somewhere along the way
(Maybe when I lost all faith in humanity)
That some things
You just gotta laugh at

The kids who make the most jokes about suicide and depression
Have often lived it
Dark humor
Is more or less,
Earned

And I think I've payed my dues.

I'm reading,
My third book this week,
I'm eating,
Swallowing literature whole,
One after the other,
A light snack,
(Teeny bopper, singletons)
But sometimes those stories don't satisfy.
(Poe, Cummings,)
Oh,
The list grows,
Like vegetables,
In a garden of wonder,
I wonder,
How many I can devour..
Before I explode.

Maybe one day I will throw away all the photos
Maybe one day I will wash all the clothes you gave back to me so they don’t smell like you any more
Maybe one day I’ll stop treating you like you’re dead
And I’m
Grieving
Our relationship is the only thing that’s deceased
Realistically
But god it really did feel like
You killed me

I was her,
the girl in those poems you wrote
the girl you lied to
the girl you wanted, but never enough
the girl you argued with when you were lonely, or bored
the girl you made up with just so you could do it again

I trailed you
obsessed over you
some of those poems were true
but I know they aren't about
me
anymore

Let,
The smoke go to your brain,
Even though,
We're told,
It only fills our lungs,
Cuz you just wanted fun,
For a night,

And now,
Your obsession growls,

While you try,
Not to let,
It,
Engulf you.

rumble,
tumble,
great big bear,
i know he is,
hiding there,
scratching clawing,
great big bear?
do you know where he's hiding?
where?
under the sheets,
he waits for me,
to growl and claw,
at my feet,
i wake up with marks,
all over my body.
rumble tumble,
do not stumble,
i'm too far away,
to hear you're screams,
you claim the marks aren't from him,
aren't from me,
lightning flash,
thunder crash,
hold my hand,
don't get scratched,
rumble tumble,
i watched her stumble,
she has her own bear under her sheets,
cry and ask why,
why big bear,
must you claw at me?

And some days
I don’t even want to eat
Evolutionary phenomena
Distorting my own body
Obsession with being empty
And some times
I wanna plug my nose
And have the inside of head
Cloud with deep breaths
Scratch behind my eyelids
Please
My mind is destroying me
I am desperate
I am on a life boat
In the middle of the sea
There’s isn’t that much life left in me
No one is coming to rescue me
I am alone
The same way
I have always been
Neglect hides In my teeth
My parents didn’t take care of me
My dad never said I love you  
Old cavities

Cuz I like crooked teeth,
And freshly washed sheets,
And mugs that fit well in my hands,

But sometimes that just doesn't matter,
When depression has stolen your
plans.

And I like warm nights,
And summer's on swings,
Or having a day at the lake,

But when you feel like you're dying,
All the things you love,
Dissipate.

Cuz sometimes even,
Nice teacups,
And music,
Can't change the people you hate,

Because everytime,
I look in the mirror,
I see something i,
Want to change.

I do not pursue you
But you linger still
I do not hold onto you
But sometimes we still wake up in each other’s arms
An accident that was not assessed properly
Honestly
I don’t know how this will affect us
Together, or apart
I just know I have felt alone
And unloved for a while
And I know you’ve felt the same
So with warmth I welcome you
I don’t say her name
I don’t mention the others
And you do the same
We are quiet in our shame
But seeing you brings me relief
Talking to you is still so calming to me
If we get loud enough and the room gets dark enough and the smoke gets thick enough
Maybe for a moment
We will not be worrying about who is who’s and how we feel
We will just be.

"Do not confuse loneliness for love my dear,
Because one day,
You will mean a great deal to someone,
And they will not mean anything to you".

Night
Dark
Turn off the light
I can't see your face
Touch my heart
Inches apart
Making my mind race

Over and under
Enclosed space
Not a trace
Of broken here
Nothing like pain
Or reality is anywhere near

Touch
Love
Why

Because we turned the lights off.

You can't be angry

It's not allowed

You should've gotten those feelings out long ago

Otherwise

They'll eat you up

Again.

Do you wanna hear a secret?
She says,
I took some pills again,
I sat down on my bed,
She says,
And after about 20 I looked down at my hand,
And asked myself,
What the hell am I doing?


My best friend,
Your blades are double sided,
One cuts you,
One cuts me,
While the reality is,
Just a little blurry,
One night,
When he was extra flirty,
And now your friends say
YOU'RE FAULT.


you must be ambidextrous,
Cuz I can speak for the rest of us,
While your right hand,
Shovels white suicide pills,
Deeper down your throat,
Your left hand,
Raises death,
To my lips.

They say pain,
Is a double edged sword,
And you've been shoving daggers in my mouth since we were nine,
It's about time,
You realized,
Ending your life,




Ends MINE.

Dear Josiah,
I didn't know you well,
I'd met you a few times,
I know your  siblings very well,
They're some of my best friends,

Dear Josiah,
Although I didn't know you,
i see you in the tears of sarah,
in the whimpers of grace,
in the scars on bethany.

Seeing the look on your mothers face,
Seeing tears in your fathers eyes,
A divorced couple,
Sets aside their differences,
For one thing they have in common,

They lost their  son.

Dear Josiah,
I watched your sister grow up,
i watched her try not to care,
To push the feelings out,
But tears,
And cries,
Made there way to her,

i hugged Your crying little brother,
Only ten,
who Has never known tragedy like this,

Dear Josiah,
It wasn't your fault,
But you will live on in the hearts,
Of many.
God bless