Distractions?
Am I right?
Cuz ***** isn't enough,
And **** is too much.

The past few days
Have been pain

Pain in my heart
In my head
In my chest
Shallow breath
This week has been nothing but tiring
I feel like I'm sleep walking
Stumbling into class
Not participating in friendly conversation
My friends come up to me
Ask me
Smile at me
I'm just in my own little world
I don't want company

I want sleep

I don’t know if I’m really losing weight
Or if my self image has just become
Even more distorted
Collarbones
Ribs
More pronounced
Stick out  
Thighs
Arms
Shrink
But is it all in my head?
Do I just perceive myself as smaller?
trying so hard
Not to take up space
I could live under my bedroom floorboards
And still have room
For you?

Elegant fingers.
Picking apart.
Light beams
Shining above.
Apple trees.
Listening to.
Buzzing bees.
Diaries.
Life stories
Poetry

Eyes are the window to the soul,

But what if,

You don't have one of those?

Every day
I have to remind myself of the bitter parts
To keep from drowning
In everything that I miss

Somewhere amidst the mess
We kept ourselves afloat
We played house
We moved in
We fought
We joked
And I look back at it
The same way
You watch destruction
And flames
I see it now with an unhealthy
Fascination
And an upsetting amount of fear
You were all I had
And you were never even here

When she asked me what happened


I told her that the night ran out of love


That love was not made for people like us


That it was not a privilege
Not a magic

I could dabble in.

All these so called friends

But no one's really been checking up on me.

Part of me wants to scream that you don't even know me
How could you?

Split
Cut up
We're all crazy

But lately
You've all been getting engaged and married and having babies

And honestly?
I don't care.

I don't know you

You don't know me

You never wanted to.

You only like the idea of acting like family
That's why you execute it poorly
Because the reality
Is that this **** is messy
You are not willing to move past it

Do not get angry at me
For being done with your fakeness.

Nothing scares me more than failure

Except maybe success

Getting everything I ever worked for

And it still not being enough

Little boy inside
Fight, fight, fight,
How hard?
But, then you don't have to try
Just pretend
You have dry eyes
No eyes
Because you can't see
But you can smell
I smell ****
That you don't need
But can't just be
Tobacco free
Can you?
How hard did you
Get HIT
Knocked out
Your guts
One night
Every night
Fight, fight, fight,
In the time with no light
Scared little boy consumed by
Fright
Fight, fight, fight,
Glasses on your face
An outcast
GOOD, GOOD, LITTLE BOY
GOOD ,GOOD, LITTLE TOY
Sit There
Share
What you don't
Have
Fight, fright, fault,
and Then There was
A
CIGGARETTE

Shaky hands,
As you lift the,
Glass to your lips.

If you breathe wrong you waste ****.
That's what I've learned at least,

From you.

Stealing kisses,
Under moonlight.

We don't need drugs,
We're high off life.

Adrenaline pumping through our veins,
As we silently,
Quietly,
Run up the road,
Bare foot,
Holding flipflops,

So your mom doesn't hear us,
Running away from the house,
From our demons.

Only we exist,
In this nightly world,
Darkness surrounds us,

But its not scary,
Its comforting.

Heaving chests,
Lips connect.

We're tired from chasing a feeling,
Out of breathe from running away,

And i'll always have you,
Nothing can take you away.

Its summer, and we're teenagers,
And we're stupid.

We're getting married one day anyways.

I don't like being alone.
Rays of kitchen light,
Beaming down on lime flavored tortilla chips,
With mild salsa,
That's still,
Too hot!

Or cheap tea,
Flavored with lemon and crystalizing honey,

I do not like being alone,
Stacking,
Molasses cookies,
On my shaky finger tips,

I do not like being alone!
Shaky, shaky,
Three,
Round plates,
Stacked on top of one another,
And I'm not saying I have a standard,
eating disorder,
But when I am depressed,
And,
Alone,
I just,
Don't,
Get,
FULL.

No I don't think I'm fat,
I love my body,
And I'm not over weight,

But my stomach,
Is the new home,
To the black hole in my mind,
It's fine,
I say,

You don't know how many plates today,

And it's not every day,

But I find myself stealing snacks,
The way people steal kisses,

Enjoying meals hot or cold,
Instead of going in the snow,

For if i lept into turning waters,
Like people leap for love,

Or if my mind,
Got that black back,
Transferred from my stomach,
You,
Wouldn't be the only thing crushing.

Counting calories when I'm bored
Analyzing fat
Comparing flatness
I am the queen of obsession
So quickly
So easily
And then it is too late
So I don't let myself think about it constantly
I try not to
But I do
And all my friends say I have the flattest stomach
But when I look in the mirror
All I can see
Is how my thighs are thicker than last year

I have connected pain with reward
That if it hurts its healing
That if I'm hungry I'll improve
The red is rising with no ceiling
Keeping low to the ground
Not taking off my shirt when I kiss you

Crying with no sound
Not letting myself miss you

Processed sugar is a no
But I am so cold


All the time.

All that stupid poetry
Makes sense to me
Tell me everything
Lose your shirt
Like your dignity
Get an answer out of me
**** me with poetry
Inside
Like that pain
Behind your eyes
Tell me why
I don't
Or did
Or do
Mean anything to you
***** me
Over
**** me
Over

Push me
Closer
Tell me why you couldn't love me

But you could **** me

Over,

And over
Again.

Criticize
Fantasize
Tell me
Why

**** around
Don't make a sound
Choke an answer out of me
Lose your mind like your
Virginity

I can tell
You didn't give it to me

**** me with your stupid
Melancholy poetry

Tell me why you didn't love me

Tell me
Why
You do now
You can't have me.

I don't like cold technology,
I'd prefer bulky computers,

I don't like kindles,
I prefer books,

I prefer blue eye shadow,
To contouring.

I,
Was born in the wrong time.
I wish life was like the 80s,
When children still played outside.
I like old 'scary' movies that aren't scary at all,
But today's 'horror'
Is,
Not even laughable.

I wish I could've watched Star Trek the original series on tv,
When I came home from school,

Or at least seen the original Star Wars, in the theaters.

This generation just doesn't do it for me at all.

pink satin shoes,
i've wanted,
false;
needed,
since i was six years old,
i craved the bruises and the blood,
that comes with pirouettes
the hot blisters,
bubbling with possibility,
the possible pain,
that comes,
with my first pair of pointe shows

Are not shadows in windows
But whispers of lost things on the late drive home

Seeing myself walk the side walk down the empty street
To your house
I still remember the inside

But we're driving
Not walking
I'm watching
Not existing
Another dimension

And it doesn't matter anymore

I'm not scared of the promises sewn into the carpet on my Aunt's living room floor
I hear them occasionally in a song
Or a joke
And I think about how maybe they could've been real

But I don't have proof
No photos
No witnesses
Just a letter I never sent
A poem unwritten
Blood on the pavement
A candle not burning


Anymore.



Not haunted
Just

Observing.

When's the last time you had sweets?
Colorful
And cold
And teeth rotting material,

When's the last time you had me?

The actual me,

Because I've known you for years,
And you've never known the real me.
Around you i'm quiet,
I'm kind
I'm never kind
And that isn't me,
I can't even be sarcastic
But I'm always overdramatic.

You're friends,
With the person I no longer am,
Not that you took anytime to get to know me but,


When I start to act
Like my actual self.

If you don't like that person,


You can give up, sugar.

I'm not saying you made all the bad stuff go away!
I'm just saying!
You made me not care if it was there...

There was so much wrong in my head

I'd stare at the ceiling, lying in bed

Trying to figure out why my brain leaks out of my ears if I hear a certain song or
why when the sun hits me just right I get triggered for too long or
why in all my relationships I couldn't move on or
how the ******* priest thinks he can preach to me saying daddy never left and that's why you love buying Christmas trees

Family

A word that fits weird in my mouth
a word with a different meaning behind it than everyone else

they say blood is thicker than water but they both run in the river after you jump...

hold the edge of the bridge

hold my hand

feel my ribs

look deep

jumping was never in my plans but death felt like the option at the end of the tunnel for me

just exist

don't get ******

let the love wash over you
let the fear and drama drive you

let it make you want it so much more

I knock on your door twice

I used to dream that it was his but then I realized he, wasn't it.

God, fought so hard, never did anything but kick up sand now I'm trying to fit the love of my life Into my 20 year plan

it changed so fast sometimes I feel my love lag he's moving onto the next episode and I'm not passed the intro..

buffering

That's all this is, is buffering.
And if you wait long enough.

You'll unfreeze

trust me I know,


and I never trusted anyone but me.

Lovely broken bibles,
Tearing at the seams,
Holy words unravel,
Praises hide the screams.

me and God took a hiatus

I found someone to blame.


I miss my man in the sky,
Most nights,
It was nice,
To have something to stand for,
Someone to look to,
An example,

A father.

Me and God took a little break,
For a long time.
When I was 9,
Where was he?
Goodbye house,
Goodbye parents,
Goodbye dreams.

I went to churches that preached hate,
And lost someone I loved,
To wicked, wicked drugs,

where was he?

I tried to find him in my heart,
I feared he'd fled,
I didn't know it was I,
who chased him out,
I didn't have him
Because I didn't want him.

We were on a break.


Then i got dizzy,

Randomly,

I made a lot of trips to the emergency room my 13th and 14th year of living,
Spent most of my time on hospital beds I began to memorize the E.R. nurses faces,
And which shifts they worked.
I became so familiar with pain,
And not being to breathe,
And medication,
After medication,

WHERE WAS HE?

now I am past most bad days,
And no longer need drugs to keep me sane,
But every once in a while I feel my faith flicker.

When I felt him the strongest this year,
I was in the middle of a field at 2am.
I was with my best friend,
And we were lying down,
Looking at the stars,

I stood up and felt so small,
So insignificant,

where was he?

I felt like the world could have swallowed me whole,


I felt that way when I was 9,
But I was on a car trip that would change my entire world,
I felt that way when I was 12,
But I was on a roof.

I hadn't felt this way in years,

It reminded me what it was like to want to die;


But I didn't.

Ah,

*there he is

I hate starting over
Because all I can do is bask in the failure

I kissed summer goodbye and it gave me ******,
That *****,
I bet it kisses all the teenagers.

I am exhausted from trying to keep myself alive
Anyone making it harder is
In the way
I will not hold onto you
If you are not willing to stay
That’s why most people
End up far away
It’s not worth it to me
I hold no gravity

DO I LOVE YOU OR AM I JUST USING YOU AS A DISTRACTION FROM ONE OF THE MANY ISSUES I FACE CONSTANTLY
NO
I COULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU

COULD I?

the street you walk down,
dim lights on every corner,
its dark out,
It's warm out,
You prefer the street
After hours,
You prefer the world
After hours,
When it's
Quiet outside and there's finally peace,
You prefer your body,
After hours,
You prefer your mind
after hours,
When you sleep then nothing,
Hurtful matters,

And you lived,
Happily,
After hours with me.

They
Their
Them

Impersonal
Personified
Don't care

What
Why
Where

How could I
how could you
Why the **** did I?

.....

I grew weary

I understand you
Is what I told myself over and over
But never truly could see
I love you
Is what I told myself over and over
But never truly could feel
Never knew what it felt like
I just assumed the mind games and the conjoined pain
Was something like it

If it hurts its passion
We've all played that game
But we know the ending
Yes, the ending
Stays the same
No matter how many times
I replay it in my brain
I realized it wasn't ok

I'd love you like I love,
Summer,
And a warm breeze,
I'd love you the same way I love rusty old swings,

I'd love you like grass,
And  trees,
And love you like holding hands,
While we walk on the beach,
I'd love you like,
Entangled feet,
Under soft blankets,
With the tv casting shadows on your face,
While you laugh,
Oh God I would love to make you laugh,

I'd love you like thrift shops,
And old photographs,

I'd love you like summer nights,
On the roof,
Or in bed watching movies,

I'd love you like I always would,
Forever,
Never waver,
I'd love you like all these things,
Like warm coffee on cold fingers,
Or sunsets by the lake,

I'd love you day,
After day,

Like the ice skating rink,
I'd love you like, the song,
Temporary love,
By the brinks.

And I know I am young,
And you're miles away,
But there's a feeling here,
That's making me stay.

And I'd love you like this,
And i promise I would

Please let me darling,

I promise I could.

I have tasted freedom in many different flavors
And none of them were as sweet as everyone claimed they would be

Part of the act of escapism is getting to leave when the house starts burning

Who knows where the flames came from?

Who knows if any of it was love?

This house is not a home
I stare at these walls
Grab more clothes
Hug my mother
And leave again

I have lived so much of my life in borrowed space
You would think I was not welcome in my own home

But this house is not home

And if I could swim through the troubled waters you would never see me again

I look around and this house is still on fire
There's scribbled lines on door frames
Next to children's names
And the same plates they used at their wedding

There's
Whispers
And drafts
There's pain and flashbacks

This house is not a home to me anymore

Maybe it never was.

I asked you what it was like,
And if you think it's love,
Nothing you said made sense to me,
So it probably was.

I had a dream

We had a story

But when I woke up

Nothing was written


And that bothers me.

I can see it in your eyes
A little twinkle that soon dies
Your whole life
Attempting to be
Right
For one night
Your knuckles bleed
There final plead
You read
Escape your world
His world
My world
You think
About those
Big blue eyes
You'll never know
What they hide
Secrets she will
Carry to the grave
Wedding Bells
Chime
my secrets,
will die with me.

So I thought I was depressed again.
Which is like,
Totally confusing because I was depressed last week and I shouldn't be due for another 'episode' for at least three days

Turns out I'm not depressed
Just severely ill
But its funny how I mix up all the symptoms now
Like being tired all the time
Or the headaches
Or the lack of appetite

So this was really confusing to me,
Cause I'm a girl who likes to eat,
When I'm healthy,

And mom kept asking me if I was okay,
Over and over
And I kept saying yes, I'm fine..
Just the usual.
Mom says I'm a little more pale then usual
A little more tired looking
And I say "wow thanks mom, like I totally care about appearances right now" and I laugh

And she doesn't

I only realized I was sick when a doctor told me I was,
Which is completely different from being depressed because the same doctor tried to tell me I wasn't

Sooooo confusing

So I'm actually sick physically for once?
Not just mentally.
Ha,
Isn't that funny.

Breathe,

I have so many reasons to be alive.

Breathe,

But I get tired.

Breathe,

I don't think I scare myself anymore.

Breathe,
Just,
Breathe


quiet car rides,
On starry nights.
Warm seats,
Cool air,
Mildly,
Unwashed
Hair.

It's late,
And,
I'm tired.

But.
Im.
Still.
Alive.
And.
In.
My.
Own.
Time.
I,
Might even learn,
To enjoy it.

I'm not quite fixed yet,
I'm still a little broken,
But I refuse to let my pain go unspoken,
Some days are better then today,
Things don't always go right in everyway,
I'm not quite happy yet,
And I think that that's ok,
Because I'm always fighting,
Every single day,
I'm not quite sure yet,
But, I think that i'll be soon,
I think i'll know exactly what I want,
And i'll love it too.