I must admit
I'm a little terrified
To have you in my life again,
Because,
You knew me before I changed.
The person I used to be.
And I can never,
Live up to the old me,
Ever again.

The pain passes from me to you
A loss is not just a loss
It is a decaying of the soul;
It is a hole that will never go away,
A fight that eats away at you.
I never wanted anyone else to feel it.

Physical pain doesn't compare
To the type of pain I am describing.
Blood pouring from a wound
Feels better than losing someone of the same blood;
We now share this pain.

Now, my friend,
Do not cry
Or do cry.
It is okay to mourn in your own right.
He is gone,
And it is okay to feel empty forever.

I understand.

I'm the drop of water that doesn't quite make it off the leaf.
The shadows the sun's rays don't reach.

I'm a puddle in the rain that no one wants to play in.
The stain that never goes away.

I'm the grave with no flowers on it,
The reason your life is in disarray.

I'm the lightning that starts a fire,
The nail in your blown-out tire.

I'm the dark circles under tired eyes,
The sogginess to your fries.

I am all of these terrible things,
But you are the worst-
You are the reason why I cry.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough
To keep you from falling down
But how can you expect me
To hold you up
When I can barely hold myself up
At the edge of this cliff

I needed to write this poem-
It's what I do when I'm lost,
Trapped by my own mind.
I blame others for my prison,
But it is I who locked the door.

I needed to write this poem-
What happened to who I was?
The freedom, the youth.
I am still very young
But they tell me I should grow up.

I needed to write this poem-
Because I saw how happy I was,
Dancing with my toes in the sand.
I've replaced it with a nice, quiet life.
If only my past and present could collide.

I needed to write this poem-
To remind myself not to put blame.
I am happy.
And there are many forms of happiness.
If only I could taste them all.

I needed to write this poem-
Even if no one knows what it's about.
Because that isn't what matters.
I needed to purge my bad thoughts-
Before they get locked away again.

I pushed him away
Because I was scared
I pushed him away
Because he looked at me like a man should
I pushed him away
Because he listened to my every word
I pushed him away
Because he liked me

But most of all
I pushed him away
Because he was the perfect guy for me.

I see you everywhere.
I see you in the sky-
As a big plump, curious cloud.
I see you in the ocean-
Along with the dolphins and the sunset.
I see you in the mountains-
Because you loved them so much.
I see you in the night sky-
For you are now one of the stars.
I see you in the meadow-
Because the flowers remind me of your colorful eyes.
But most importantly,
I see you in myself-
And I would not care to be anyone else.

I crawled into a new life
When maybe I should have jumped
Slowly lowering myself
Into the icy depths
When I should have taken a dive
So now here I am
Frostbitten and cold
I did this to myself

You walked by and never saved me
Because I wasn't drowning
You saw me standing in the icy water
And just assumed that I was fine
But if I had just jumped
If I had only taken that dive,
Then maybe you would have seen me drowning
Maybe you would have tried to save me.

In the search of something more-
Several doors I closed
Only to be left
Locked in a room on my own accord
All entrances blocked
Telling myself I will escape one day
Except I do not accept reality-
Destined to be isolated from the world.

It's so beautiful
The flash of light
It's so horrible
The moments of darkness
And then it's over.

And that's all there is to life.

You won't understand it
Until it happens to you.
The day when your stomach drops.
It's the day your eyes become a void.
You want to cry but you can't.
When everything becomes clear.
And it's okay
To hate the world.
To want to die.
To hate all the people you once loved.
It's okay.
You'll get through it.
I promise.
But I can also promise this.
You will never be the same again.

The days get longer,
It seems,
With less and less excitement
Life becomes boring.

And the late nights cease,
To wake up for the early sun,
For another long day.
It never really seems to end.

Here I am-
Trapped in a cycle
Of my own unhappiness.
Where I torture myself.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I can't be the person
You need me to be.
I tried so hard for you,
But now I know for sure
There's only one person I know how to be
And that person is **me

I try my best at everything.
I push myself to my greatest lengths.
I always get back up,
When I fall down.
Something good may happen,
Every once in a while.
And I feel okay for some time.
But then it happens again.
I fall.
I tumble.
I crash and burn.
I cannot stop falling.
I cannot stop failing.

I used to be a bird.
I flew high up in the skies.
Raced the sunrise,
Floated through the starry nights.
Flew above the ocean
With my wings expanded.
I was a majestic creature.
It was a beautiful life,
Until the day
You broke my wings
And I forgot how to fly.

Crashing waves
The steady wind
Chirping birds
The wind chimes on our old porch
Sounds of thunder rolling into our small town
The most beautiful noises I can think of.
These are the sounds I hear when I close my eyes.

One sound is missing however.
*I can no longer hear your voice

The words slipped out of my mouth
Before I had time to think.
I'm sorry for what I said,
I know you're on the brink
Please forgive me.

Yes
I'm lost in my head
It's not that hard really
With the labyrinth in my brain
A left turn sends me to disaster
Go to the right and I find insanity
Around the bend I just might find
That happiness I lost four years ago
I'm going in circles
But I don't regret getting lost.
If I'd never strayed from the straight path,
I would never have understood
The beauty and horrors of life
I would never have known risk
I would not know what it's like
To be alive.

Maybe I'm sad
Because I thought-
I was worth more
Than
You treated me.

I heard it today.
Quite shocking,
I must say.
It wasn't forced,
It wasn't fake.
I heard myself laugh
A genuine laugh.
Welcome back.

Throughout my life,
All the adults would tell me-
Follow your heart
Follow your dreams

But what I really wanted to hear was
**You know what, Megan?
Forget about following,
How about you lead?

You started the spark
In my heart
But you never thought
It was a good idea
To put out the fire
So here I am
Left with no heart
Because you let it burn
Until there was nothing left

Let my words reach you
As your words reach me,
Let us teach
Each other lessons
Through our writing
Let us help each other
Through hard times
And understand each other
When we make no sense.
Let us write poetry.

You ruin me
You suffocate me
You alienate me
You taunt me
You tempt me
You devastate me
You cheat me
You anger me
You educate me
You challenge me
You change me

Life,
You have made me

I wore a life vest this time,
But I still feel my monsters
Trying to drag me below the surface-
Trying to drown me.
I am in a constant battle
For my life.

I'm locked in my own prison.
Stay away.
I cause myself and everyone else so much pain.
Habits need breaking,
Emotions I've been faking.
You will never really know it's me.
Because my body has me trapped.
And I will never be free.

Looking for a way.
To see the day
When everyone finds
The mask to your disguise
The day of your freedom-
The release of your demons.

I travelled place to place
Looking for something I needed
From Texas to Europe
To New York and Mexico.
I could not find it
What is this thing
I wondered
That they call living?
I looked everywhere
Carefully planning my future
But then
One day I turned around.
I saw all of my past experiences behind me
The good times
The bad times
The nights I felt alive
And I simply said
*oh.

You told me not to go back
Alas I did not listen.
Into the past I went
Both fears and bad memories
Staring at me in the face.
Things I'd wish I'd never seen
Heard-
Or felt.
They want me to stay.

Forbidden to leave
And lost in the past
I should have listened to you
I shouldn't have gone back.

Warm and sunny am I
As I stay happy
The sky stays beautiful
As I lay down for a nap.

Quite suddenly, things change.
The happiness is gone.
The dark clouds roll in.
The storm consumes me.

Oh, how quickly times change.
Sunny and bright.
To dark and dull.
As the times change, so do I.

Help me,
She said
What were you wearing?
They asked.
What do you mean?
I need your help!
I bet you wanted it.
You shouldn't have dressed like you did
It's your fault.

When did the words *help me
Get lost in translation?
Those two words turn into
Why should I help you?
When they should be,
I'm so sorry
How can I help?
I guess I will never understand.

As a lost little bird
I can confidently say
That being alone in this nest
Is a terrifying ordeal.
My mother taught me how to fly,
But I'm afraid to jump.
Will I hit the asphalt?
Or will I find success?
I could live out my life
In this tiny little nest.
It is comfortable,
And I enjoy being here.
Or I could jump.
I could find out if I can fly.
But this could also be the day I die.

It just doesn't feel right.
The weather is rainy
And I'm huddled in my feathers.
Do I still have a chance to jump
If everything feels wrong?

Yes, I believe you.
I always believe your stories.
You would never lie to me.
You always tell the truth.
I trust you with my life.

Wait, what is this?
What are they saying?
I don't understand.
You are a liar?
What is that pain I feel?
Why have you stabbed me in the back?
Friend?
...Friend?

No matter how much love
I put into it-
It still fell apart
In my hands.
Nothing but ashes now.
Is it wishful thinking-
To hope for a phoenix?

You were the one
That taught me to
Love myself.

You were also the one
Who made me feel
Like I wasn't enough.

Your sorrow is my sorrow
Why is it so difficult to love another?
I've seen more hurt in love than love
A relaxing day-
Turned into world war three
I just want to drink my wine
And maybe live my life
But your problems come first.
And you wonder why,
It is so hard for me
To love another human.

I've seen the pain of love.
I do not want that yet.

It's easier it seems
To put on a mask
And hide my silent screams
Only a few have seen me without my mask
And eventually they stopped and asked,
Would you tell me your story?
It is easier in this place
Where no one knows of my face
Distorted throughout years of pain
This mask covers my past
I don't remember when I took it off last.
But here,
No one knows this is a mask
They think they see me.

Maybe I've lost myself
I'm still stuck in your brain
Since the last time you saw me
I need you to give me back

Maybe you've lost yourself
You're still stuck in my brain
Since the last time I saw you
I don't want to give you back

Maybe we've lost each other forever
Left with only a piece of you
And a piece of me
Lost in the darkness of each others hearts
We had tried to enlighten.
The last time we saw each other
Only a glance,
Only a whisper.
*Goodbye

How long have I been
Nothing but a shadow
In my own life?
Dwelling in the darkest of places
With little light.
The old me tries to chase shadow me down.
But it means nothing.
I am stuck in a world
That even I do not understand anymore
It is a world filled with shadows.
But I can do nothing,
Until
I find myself again
In the light.

I poured my heart out
With a pen and paper
Until there was nothing left
An empty shell holding a journal.

I used to be happy.
I used to know what it was like
To feel joy course through my body.
We all did,
At one time.

Then there's the loss
And none of us are ever the same.
Pretenders, I'd call us.
We can fool the lucky few who don't know the darkness.
The oblivious-
They do not know what the world is.

The world is a beautiful, devastating mess
It takes, but it doesn't give
Mounds of dirt viciously colliding and collapsing
To make canyons and mountains.
And yet, some people only see the beauty
Not the destruction

You cannot see the destruction
Without having been destroyed
And to be destroyed,
Is to be lost forever.

*And we just keep on pretending

My heart was a mountain
So glorious and mighty
Towering above the clouds
Majestic and beautiful-
At least
That's what it used to be.
The wind and the water
Came along one day
Began to weather and wear it down
Slowly my heart was diminishing
As it eroded
And traveled elsewhere.
No longer majestic
No longer mighty
My heart is now only a hill.

The current brings me in safely
As I was drowning
And although I was deep
In the crystal clear water,
The waves coax me back to shore
Where you wait for me-
Arms wide open.

My feet touch the sand
And I run to you
Because you make me forget
About the past
About the high tide
That almost killed me.
And I am safe.

How scary it is-
To realize
None of this is truly mine.
Not these things,
Not this life.

Time is my master,
She owns it all.
I cannot keep any of it.

My words,
Like a whisper,
The world drowning them with noise.
Written on paper instead-
Where they may live forever.

Maybe the only thing
My heart can feel
Is nervousness

I watched as all those months went by
Oh my how time flies

Didn't even know when the time was right.
I didn't know I was supposed to say goodbye

You left me stranded with my thoughts
How many times had we fought?

For all those days you sat in a hospital bed
It made my heart feel like lead

They told us you were coming home
But how were we to know?

**How were we to know you'd die and leave us all alone?

Please excuse me,
Something is not right.
I look alive,
But believe me when I tell you
A part of me has died.
A piece of a puzzle lost long ago
Underneath miles of rubble
In a destroyed world
Since then I've been searching
For the last piece of my soul
Only to find I made a bigger hole.
Now I'm falling
Deep into this hole I made.
Still looking for the puzzle piece
That is burning at the center of the earth.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.
Nevermind.

We whispered into the dark
Stories of life
Because we didn't think-
Anyone would hear us.
But somehow our lost voices
Found each other in the darkness,
Embraced.

For once we didn't hear an echo
Of our pasts.

For once,
We could look towards the future.

This is the end of the beginning,
For it will never be more-
This is the end of the burdens,
You gave me to endure.
This is the end of a friendship-
That I didn't want anyway, before.
This is the end of a nice girl-
Who always opened stressful doors.
This is the end of the lies-
Because of the attention you were looking for.
This is the end of it all-
Because, I just can't do it anymore.