with a heavy heart he said:
"i never meant for it to go this way"

you keep breaking
your unspoken promises
the ones you make with your eyes
every time you smile

in your shadow
i see roses bloom

i have so many words to say about you
but i dont know how to put them all together

a world like this
was never meant to hold you

your absence
is like a wound
made by
the moon

it sounds
rather bold
but i'd like to marry you

if i held your heart
in my hands
i would kiss it
and hold it to my chest
i would give
you mine
and all
of my time
and i wish
you'd hold
me dearly

i will bathe you
in my starlight
like the stars
bathe the soil

i can't sleep
but i don't want to

her heart was filled with rocks
stones of many kinds
a heart so very heavy
she was running out of time
she needed his love
she needed it now
her heart was so heavy
it weighed her down
it hurt to walk
it hurt to breathe
she still had
things to see
she loved his eyes
and his lovely dark hair
whenever she saw him
she couldn't help but stare
her lips ached
they ached for him
a taste of his love
a taste of his skin
she was so weighed down
she knew she'd drown
in pretty blue eyes
and locks of dark brown
she couldn't help
but obsess over him
such little time
lights growing dim
i need you

and it hurts
and i dont know what i did wrong
did i do anything wrong?
of course i did
because im stupid
and selfish
and
stop
stop
stop
you're not
i mean
im not
but neither are you
im sorry
i want you to be happy

im sorry
i am so ******* sorry
im sorry for the way you see things
im sorry that i thought that maybe i was the only one who understood you when nobody else did
im sorry that i was wrong
im sorry im blaming your illness on you
im sorry for feeling like im about to cry
im sorry that you wont read this
im sorry that you dont understand how ******* great you are
im sorry
im so
so so
so
so
so
so
so
s
os
soso
sososo
soso
so
sososos
os
oso
s
soso
­so
sorry

I could look at you
All day
Your pretty blue eyes
Dark curly hair
And that dripping-with-sweetness smile
The way you trace your lips with your pencil
All I ever wanted
In one body

Take my heart
Rip it to shreds
Tell me lies
Make my cheeks go red
Taste me and spit me out
Voices are so loud
They say
Love me
Love me
Love me
Throw me against the wall
And love me
Give me your fake love
I promise that it'll be enough
Your mouth on mine
Let's not waste time
Love me harder
Love please
Love me more
You sweet little tease
I want more
So close the door
Show me what you can do
Take my heart
Rip it to shreds
Love me harder
Till I'm dead

my hands are cold
and my eyes are sore
and i don't think
i can take it anymore
my lips are chapped
and my energy is sapped
i'm tired
and weak
and i can't find what i seek
all i want
is to be
snuggling with you
right next to me
but my lids are heavy
and my body aches
im so tired
of making mistakes

This sort of dream
Is classified with an interpretation of heaven
The one with you
Holding my hands
And looking me in the eyes
Lips close enough to touch
I wish I could have your love
This kind of night
Could be classified with where true love begins
With fireflies
And moon reflections in your eyes
Skin soaking in the moonlight
Dancing until sunrise
Dandelions dreams
And unstitching seams
I wish I could breathe you in
This sort of magic
Could be classified with
The way you look at me
The sun lighting the clouds
Speaking out loud
Hands around my waist
Obsessed with the way you taste
I really wish this was real

Tonight
Is dark
My breath
Is shallow
I should sleep
But I'm not ready
Ready to face my dreams
The truth in my nightmares
To be honest,
I'm scared
Scared of my own mind
Of what's inside my head

what is this
this binding force
why is it here
to torment me, i suppose
leave me
i say
but it seems like the only ones who listen
to that demanding command
are the people i love

Poem

You are bliss
Definition of euphoria
Taste of never-ending perfect
Oh, how I wish you were mine
A kiss from you
Melting me
Into a pool of warm ice
And honey blossoms
Drowning me in dopamine
Flashes of adrenaline
Pulsing through my veins
Laced with sugar
And your perfume

I want
To breathe
To understand
What's wrong with me
I feel like this is temporary
This
newness
But I know it's permanent
The loneliness
I keep going
but I don't want to

Should I open my eyes?
Should I face reality?
The reality that I'll always have this feeling?
This unstoppable, overwhelming, consuming, sickening feeling of being alone?

Maybe I should just
Accept it.
I know
I know I'm gonna be alone.
That no one's gonna love me.
That I'm never gonna be good enough for anyone.

Everything
That comes out my pen
My brain
And my wrists
Unsatisfying
Just simply
Not enough
It hard
To feel proud
When its nothing
But trash

Walls I've never seen
Floors I've never touched
Slight hostility and indifference
Dance like steam in the air
Blue eyes
Refuse to look at me
My only anchor
Abandoning me
Scared
And confused
I need you here
But you've forgotten
The truth we made

Sweet
Little
******
Boy
Let me wipe your face
Stand up
And smile
Your pretty smile of grace
Sweet
Little
******
Boy
You will be alright
I will hold you closely
And tell you in stories at night
Sweet
Little
******
Boy
I promise I will love you
And I swear
On my life
I won't let anyone touch you

What, if I may ask, is happiness?

I think, perhaps, that it is not being alone

Being loved

Having someone beside you

Just maybe

When night  comes
And my common sense goes
I start to think
Unusual things
I start to feel
Strange feeling
I begin to love you
A little bit more
And it's awfully strange
But it happens every night
And I can't really tight
I hope that you
Will be in my dreams
Yes, these strange night emotions
Bursting at the seams

Don't you wish you were good enough?

"I love you"

......................................................

"Ev­eryone makes mistakes "

And I am tired
Of feeling this way
Tired
As empty
But full
Of something
Something that makes me feel
Disgusting
I am sick
Of knowing
How close happiness is
For others
And knowing
That I'll never be

The poor boy
Had his heart
Taken away from him
His mother
Didn't approve
His lover
Wasn't his
She taunted him
His mother
Would beat him
"Brat!"
She called him
His not-his lover
Would cheat him
Of happiness
"****!"
She called him
Til he fell onto his knees
And wept
And said
"I can't take this anymore"

Cherry on top
Cherry on bottom
My heart is sinking
Straight to the bottom
The crickets say
They are ashamed of me
And the mosquitos take their aim at me
Cherries are crushed
No longer sweet
Rotten and bitter
False retreat
Writing at night
Gives me strange thoughts
Cherry on bottom
Cherry on top
Outside
At night
Is messing
With my mind

I mean nothing to you, do I?
Wait
I might be overreacting
Maybe?
I don't even love you like that
So why do I want you to hold me
Doesn't matter I guess
Cause I don't mean **** to you
I can try
But I'll never be good enough
Not for me
Not for you
Not for anyone
I'm never going to be happy

When it hurts to breathe
I have to stop

Don't I?

the warm wind filled her dreams, while she dreamt of what she was missing
her eyes shined
and her cheeks blotched
the stars whisper a soft hello in her mind.
her hair gently floated,
the breeze playing with her locks
the beasts in her head nuzzle softly against her skull
tired
she watches the stars
guarding them in their slumber
collecting her crystal tears
to make a chandelier
her shadow twirls in the dandelions
catching fireflies underneath the violet sky
stitched together
as a blanket for the night.

e m p t y  s p a c e s

fill up my mind

It hurts

And I heard
Your song

"Angel
Fly me above"

You say

"Lovely heart"

And my heart blushes

"You deserve better"

And I feel more than ever

"But dream on, my darling. We will get there some day."

My heart says "Hello."
My heart wants to say "I love you"
My heart whispers
"It's nice to see you again"
My heart is crying
But it still sings for you
"How lovely you are, my one and only"
It says "Stay"
"Stay, for I have no one else"

This chaos is fragile
Inside my brain
Made up of you
And this heartbreaking pain
I need you to tell me
I'll be okay
Three simple words
I need you to say
A day
Feel empty
Without you in it
Life
Is a game
And I want to finish
"I love you"
Would be so sweet
I'm so cold
And I need your best
Lonely hearts
Don't do well alone
My heart is made of glass
And you're throwing stones

Quietly
You hold me
No words necessary
A kiss
On the ear
A hand
Holding mine
How simple
It would be
To finally
Be happy
If only
You loved me

My eyes
Politely ask for sleep
It pains me
But I must decline
I have things to do
Places to be
But I also would like
To stop and dream

My head
Is pounding
It hurts
Perhaps
I shouldn't have
Hit it
Over
  Ove r
  O v E r
   O   V  E r
O V e R
Again
Against a concrete wall

I wish I could create something beautiful

I wish I could feel okay

I wish I could be loved

I wish I could be happy

I wish I could breathe

It's new,
This
Self harm thing
But I feel like I've done it forever
It feels like
An old friend
Filling me with p o I s o n

It hurts
But I gotta do it
I don't know why
But hurting myself
Is
Inevitable

I want
To feel nothing


But I want to FEEL something

They all
...
Love you
...
In some way

So I guess I'm not special