Welcome to the home of the free,
The land of the divided

Welcome to a land filled with greed,
The one-percent who have the need
To silence dissent, keep those below them
Complacent in a system that favors money
Over ethics and honesty

Welcome to a nation full of deceit,
Land of misinformation and misery.

Welcome to a nation where the wheels
spin propaganda for a leader.

Welcome to a nation where a leader  
Forgoes democracy and takes a page
From a communist and dictator,
Crowning himself King of the ages.

Who needs dignity when you've got vanity?
Who needs honesty when you're a liar?

Welcome to a nation where truth doesn't matter
Welcome to a country on fire.

Divided, we stand, divided we fall.

America the Beautiful, America the tall.

Who will be there to save us all?

Look at the streets crumble,
They were just fine.

Now look at you,
The cracks in your face tell me
You can't hold it together,
One more time.

Savage world,
Bitter truth,
It'll do no good to whine.

But it'll do no good to pretend
You're fine.

So you found that
Life isn't fair,
It's full of secrets and truth,
A hidden lair,

That I could still never hide from you
Because it was always there.

Love had its affairs,
And you had it all,
The bitter truth reveals a broken man,
Trying to stand tall.

Trying not to bend,
Or break, or fail,
A man doing his best
Not to crumble like the streets,

And continue to lose it all.

Salt in our wounds,
burning, bleeding

the pain’s not
not enough

but it’s hard to
believe

wounds can’t
heal until

we’re finally
set free.

refusing to believe
we’re still here

falling, tripping
into our own fears

ever-present but
not really here

only existing,
and living
in the afterlife.

reaching the light,
chemicals collide,

we’re one step
closer to the other side.

One year since your passing,
I didn't know I still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Unlike the other lives lost in years past,
Yours cut me deeper than the rest.

Like watching an older version of myself,
Carry out a wish I could never fully attempt,
It left me mortified, scared I may follow in your footsteps.

Months later, dreams came and went.
I'd often wake up, wondering why I'd envision myself
Jumping off the Eads Bridge.

I never thought I'd be having these thoughts again.

They say history repeats itself.
But I promise you: I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I won't become a part of the past.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends
but here we are

Starting over again.

It used to be
simple then,

Relying on us
relying on you.

Now it's just me,
Wondering what could
have been,

And just trying
to get through.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends,

and I'm writing
to let you know

I'm okay with
being friends,

As long as I'm not
left alone without you.

Ruthless, a little
cynical, hellbent on
suicide

It's over before it
even begins tonight.

Cause a scene and
simply explode,

Hurt the ones around you,
the ones you already loved,

Lose them like dominos, falling,
one-by-one, it's almost
appalling.

Place the blame, but you know
it doesn't work

You've tried everything
and they already know,

This shade of blue doesn't
look good on you,

What is your true calling?

Do you know what you want
out of life?

The signal never connects,
and blood rushes to your head,

Alert the others, tell them
you've reached the end.

It's over before it even
begins,

You begin to cave
and shamble

Can't hold it together
So you explode and
explain to them

How much you
fight.

How much you try.

Nobody cares.
And you're in denial
Again this time.

It's hard to believe,
that at the end of the day

No one cares and
no one will believe you,

They'll only see
You when you
make an effort and

See the other side.

Over the past few months,
I've realized nobody is perfect.
Not even myself.

I've realized it's okay to fumble.
It's okay to fall.

It's okay let my emotions
Get the best of me.

It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to be sad.

And I've realized
It's okay to slip up
And fall off the tracks.

I know I'll get right back on the path,
And head towards the direction
The direction towards redemption
And the acceptance of self,
Instead of seeking approval from others.

I know I've made mistakes in the past.
And I've made mistakes in the present day.

For far too long,
I've lived my life,
With a cloud of regrets
Hanging over me.

I can't let the past or present,
Dictate how I live my life.

To move forward,
I have to learn to love myself,
Instead of seeking love from others.

I must learn to forgive myself,
So I can forgive others.

Life is filled with trial and error,
We're all trying to find ways
To find solutions to problems
Instead of trying to fix ourselves.

Today is the day
I work on fixing myself.

I can't live my life
Focusing on the past.

It's time to enjoy life.

It's time to move forward.

Two years ago,
and it felt like

I failed from the start.

I didn’t know where to go,
I didn’t know who to believe,

nor did I have the foresight to see

when one heart bleeds,
there’s another in need

from falling apart.

I spent every day wondering,

will love find me and set my soul free?
Or is this the life I’m destined to lead?

All I’ve wanted is to love someone,
and keep myself from falling apart.

But time is a long-winding road
that leads me to doors from yesterday,

and it’s up to me to get up and make my way
to a door filled full of brighter days.

Two years gone by, and my world’s in a haze,
I can slowly see through the smoke

when I hear you call my name.

Let it out and
Don't be afraid
To cry.

Let it out,
Because surviving is
Hard enough

When all you
Have is yourself
And you're trying

Your best to stay alive.

You say this is the end
Of your story,

And somewhere along the way,

You've convinced yourself
You've written the last

Chapter.

But it's not what you pictured,
It's not a fairytale story,
A happily ever after.

Things never go the way
You planned it.

Now it's pure survival,
And you're fighting every
Day to live another day

And not take the easy way out
And simply end it.

Lift the needle
From the record

It's time we
Settle this

Because if
We keep playing
The music we
Call life

The grooves
Will distort

And I'll be
Stuck

Scratched and
Endlessly spinning
On track four

Aching, and yearning
to progress
My way past you

I seek to find
My way

To a new track,
Titled
'A New State of
Mind'

But I can't
Seem to get
Out of this
Current state

(You played me
This time)

Not knowing
how to stop

I'm stuck in a
Loop

Forever stuck on replay

(I just want a
Day

Where I'm not
Dying inside

I just want to
Be fine today)

The diamond needle
Digs deeper

In the grooves
Making the vinyl
Weaker

And all that's left
Is a shell of myself
In this preserved state

Lift the needle
From the record

I'm tired of being
Played on a broken
Speaker

The months fly by,
And my heart longs
for your touch again

Something as basic
As human interaction,
Now gone right before our eyes.

Hindered by a pandemic
We try our best
To keep each other safe
and to keep each other alive.

It's like our life is playing by like
A movie on the screen.

Separated by choice,
Out of necessity,
We fight to stay alive,
In a world taken over by the virus.

The pain cuts through every day,
And I fight hard to rise above the waters.

It's getting harder to stay away from you.

My heart still longs for you after all this time.
And I miss you terribly.

I understand we must stay apart for now,
But I don't know how long I can last.

My emotions are like a sinking ship.
I'm fighting to stay afloat.

Without you, I'm doing the best I can,
To keep me from drowning in this sea of despair.

Tired of feeling
so down and sick

Tired of having no
hope,

Time has done nothing
but break my soul

For once,
I’d like to take
control.

Spent the past year,
Spiraling down and falling
flat on my face

Reliving the past,
Life in disarray.

It’s time I
pick myself up
and figure out

How to conquer
My life and shake
this doubt.

When I woke up,
From this fever dream
It still felt like yesterday.

Drinking coffee,
Looking up to the sky

And smoking
happy little cigarettes

You still haunt me,

It’s true.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you

Stressed, another ****
Summertime vibes, and
I’m feeling low.

I don’t know
What to do.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you.

I can’t tell,
What’s up
From down

And the people
Around
don’t understand
Or how it’s come to

There are days,
Where I feel numb

And there are days,
When I feel alone

I hope one day,
I’ll get out
From under you.

Self-inflict, inner conflict,
You have yourself to blame.

No sense in looking to
Someone else when

You can’t even look
At me,

Almost like you’re
Ashamed.

Was it something
I said?

Did I go too far,
Or did I tear us
Apart a little more?

When the world
Isn’t easy, we both
Try to avoid and hide

And argue
Who is right.

There’s no space
For resolution
Or compromise.

So we dance,
One more time,

And pretend nothing
Ever changes
And remains the same.

So continue to avoid
Looking me in the eyes
And take my hand.

There’s no compromise
Without a little pain
Time and time again.

So let’s dance and
Tip-toe on thin wire

And let our hearts
Set on fire

One last time.

Here we go again.

Another poem focused
on the past, focused on
sins.

Another stanza of a
pain so deep inside,
that there’s no way out
from within.

Days go by and it never left,
Depression, obsession, and
a little possession,

It’s demonic,
and not right.

But suffering
never ends.

Breathe. Inhale. Live. Die.

Smoke and mirrors,
all the time.

Here we go again.

Another poem,
another line,

Written and signed

By the artist who lost
the will to live and survive.

For far too long,
I kept my emotions bottled up inside.

I kept telling those I love I’m okay,
Even though I’m falling apart.

When I got that call on a Sunday night,
I did my best to keep it all together.
But the cracks in my heart started to bleed
And I couldn’t take it any longer.

I’ve lost my sister,
My friend, my father and now my brother.

I went my entire life not telling them
I’m sorry or how much I cared about them.

It seems life has a way of reminding me time is short.

I don’t want to go through life regretting everything.
And I don’t want to lose anyone else without telling them
How much they mean to me.

My whole life is filled with regret
And I know I can’t change that.

All I can hope, and all I can do
Is to be a better person
And right my wrongs, tell those around me
How much I love them.

It took losing someone
…to make me feel again.

Rose-tinted lenses
Have you lost your senses?

Watching on
projector lenses

Memories,
once vivid and clear

Now muddled,
from years

Of damage done

You lost your senses
This time around.

But you’re not
One and done.

Remember when
You convinced yourself

To live in the now?

(Here is now,
Now is never tomorrow)

But life threw you down,
And consequences lead to reality

You ended up stuck
in the past year

Lured in by promises
That allured to failures

(Forgive yourself for once
And be your own savior)

You feel the
tensions surround,
And you’re backed
In a corner

Your eyes see red,
The lights go out,
Another page-turner.

Welcome to the start
Of a world war
Never won

You come to and
Hide in the battlefield
Afraid to say your goodbyes

Afraid to ****, or be killed
Once protected, now vulnerable

And still
Your heart grows cold,
Hard like steel.

You want to claw
Out of the trenches
But you’re too scared
To lose.

But you know,
In order to outrun your demons,
You’ve gotta outrun them, too.

you can’t say
you’ve lived

until you’ve
truly tried.

you can’t say
you gave it your
all

until you’ve
given everything
you’ve got

and fight.

[…]

years spent,
paralyzed

tired of myself,
everyone else,
and all the lies

i spent my days
wondering,

will
somebody help
me

before i meet
my demise?

neon sunset,
fade to black,

black and white
silhouettes dancing,

overexposed memories attack,
reminding me of a time

when i was barely alive.

(somebody help me
before i meet my
demise.)

two years in,
i can imagine

a life without
you in it.

for too long
you held on
like a ghost,

a hellish prison.

never letting go,
never setting me
free.

but i learned to
move forward
without you.

i learned to
break the chains.

like a dream,
a wake-up call,
a realization:

how many times
do i have to
hurt before

i’m accepted
for who i am?

Little lonely ghost,
Sitting there all alone

What's got you in
Your head?

The world may be
Burning, but know
I'll be your cover

And protect you from
Burden.

Little lonely ghost,
It's okay to feel
Less than okay.

It's not your whole life.
It's just one day.

Little lonely ghost,
Don't be afraid.

Just know that
I'll protect you until
The end of my days.

I said I won't let my demons haunt me
And every day, I lie to myself
Saying I'm getting better.

I address the problems
That only seems to affect the surface.
I ignore the underlying issue,
that I refuse to bring up from my inner hell.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
That monster that wants to destroy
Everything in its path.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
The monster, who's an addict.

I try to keep the beast away,
And somehow, he tempts me.

I've been sober for years,
Yet there's one voice in my head
That tells me to stop resisting temptation.

The monster in my mind,
Tells me, "Just one more time."

I want to run away.
Yet I can't seem to escape him.
Not this time.

The monster is always there,
In my head, haunting me.

I won't let him win.

Dear diary, it's been two years since I last wrote to you.

I'm still an addict,
at least in my head.

My self-destructive tendencies,
Fed by the monster who wants me dead,
Will lead me down a dark path,
If I don't do something now.

I'm treading a fine line.
One misstep and I lose everything
I fought to live for.

One misstep, and I lose the ones I love.

I can't let him win.

Dear diary, I can't take this anymore.
I'm finally admitting that I need help.

Lay the first strike
Because you just
Want to cause a scene

Once so gentle, serene
You kept taking my
Energy  

Taking all the weight
Pushing on my shoulders
You kept on crushing
Me

I don’t know who
Gets to suffer worst

Because I'm out of breath
And I'm nowhere near first

And where are you?
You’re nowhere to be seen

You’re hiding,
Complacent, living like

Everyone owns you
Every explanation

Even if you
Never gave them  
Anything in return

Simmer down,
Because karma’s  
Gonna get you first

Treat people without  
their worth

And they’ll be the ones
To leave you first

So lay the first strike,
I don’t wanna hear  
Any of it  

You’ve taken my energy,
But not everything
Is gone,  
and ripped in pieces

Simmer down
Because karma’s
A silent enemy,
That doesn’t
Give up, no.

There were times when
I looked up to you

There were times when
I thought I had a brother
Who gave a **** about me.

Somewhere down the road,
Emotions veered off course
And you became another stranger

You became a stranger to me,
and everyone that loved you.

You turned into a monster,
Drinking down your emotions,
Morphing them into hate

You were mad at the world,
And angry at everyone around you.

You resorted to violence,
because that was the only time
you felt you could get your point across.

You abandoned your father,
Your son, your daughter
When things didn't go your way.

You moved, you started a new family.
And when it went south,
You decided enough was enough, taking your own life.

You lived your life
With the notion
that everyone was against you

It was you against the world.

No one would listen,
No one gave you a chance.
No one believed in you.

I gave you a chance.
Your father gave you several.

You abandoned your kids,
and they still came crawling back.

Your sisters didn't give up hope,
and you still believed you were public enemy number one.

Now that you're gone,
It's almost like you've abandoned us again.

There are no more chances to make amends.

In spite of that, there is room for forgiveness.

I forgive you for leaving me.
For leaving your son, your daughter,
Your father, your mother,
And your sisters behind.

Your demons got the best of you.

I won't let mine get the best of me.

I forgive you for everything you've done to me,
And those who loved you.

I won't forget you.
And neither will they.

I have to accept you're gone.
You're never coming back.
There's nothing I can do
to bring you back to life.

I have to accept it
and move on.

They say to not
open old wounds

When the heart
is longing for
something more

What else do you
have left to lose?

The world is spinning
slower when your world
comes to a halt.

But I want you to know
it's not your fault.

Emotions are a roller-coaster:

The ups and downs,
looping around until
you've reached your stop.

There's no set destination,
and you've got nothing
but your imagination

Leading you places,
you never thought
you'd go.

Just take it slow,
and everything will
fall in place.

It's not a race,
just take it
at your own pace.

So, when they say to not
open old wounds,

And the heart
longs for something
more,

Don't be afraid to
open new doors.

losing a significant other
is like someone
losing their own life

you separate from
mind, body, and soul

Nobody helps you,
And it's like being stuck
in permafrost

Your spirit ends up lost,
Clinging to nobody
And you grow
weary and tired

Because you're sick
of the same old story.

It's like going through
the five stages of grief

But it's never in order, completely.

There's denial,
Anger and bargaining
with yourself.

Convincing yourself
And others,
That it's alright

But alone,
you suffer in silence
And are at one with
depression.

After some semblance,
Life lessons, trials and
tribulations, you desire
hope and acceptance

But today isn't your day,
And the chain of emotions sway.

Just like the pendulum on a
grandfather clock

You swing back and forth,
Hoping that time
just stops.

Life's greatest mysteries
Are hard to understand.
Some question life after death,
Others question the past.

The greatest mystery to me
One I can't wrap my head around,
Is how you fell in love with me.

I'm impossible and stubborn.
You're understanding and patient.

I'm self-destructive and tear myself down.
And when I'm near my breaking point and falling apart,
Somehow you're always there
To pick up the pieces and put me back together.

You see right through the walls,
The walls I built around myself.

You look past my flaws when I can't look past them myself.
You tell me I'm perfect just the way I am,
When all I see is a monster hiding underneath.

I don't know how someone like you met someone like me.

And I'm grateful that you've given me a chance to be with you.

Because of you:
You gave me a reason to believe.
You gave me a reason to fight,
and to conquer my demons.
You gave me a reason to exist,
When I didn't want to live anymore.

If love is the greatest mystery,
I don't want to question anything else.
I'll spend a lifetime decoding
The messages to spend a lifetime with you.

You talk like you own me  
But the past is messing  
With your head.

A long-standing crush,  
One-sided and so  
Destructive.

You've fallen in a  
Pit of despair.

Instead of focusing  
On yourself,

You left me broken  
And bruised

And I don't know  
What to do.

It's got me feeling  
Hopeless

I'm lost and  
Confused,

You're getting  
Under my skin.

I didn't ask you  
To bleed for me

Your focus  
Is so obsessive

I'm one step closer  
To the edge of  
Cardiac arrest.

I only wanted to  
Live and let go,

But you're still  
Stuck in the past,  
Stuck inside yourself

Not making any effort  
To do better and rise above  
This and help yourself.

If time heals all wounds,
And time is essential
when it comes to love

Why, after all this time,
Do I still love you?

It's been months
And I can't get you out of my head.

We went different ways,
and now it seems
I'm doing everything I can
To hide my feelings in plain sight.

April went to September,
And September went to December,
And I can't bring myself to tell you
How I really feel.

I don't want to lose you
And I'm afraid you don't love me
The way I love you.

They say time heals all wounds.

How long will it take,
Before I get over you?

took a dive and hit the deep end again

oh, where did it all go wrong?
(where did it all go wrong?)

it’s hard to pinpoint, or start,
i caused so many problems

(i feel so hollow)

all i know is destruction is my adrenaline
and

i don’t want the high to ever end.

i don’t want to feel.
i don’t want to heal.

so give me the fix, and let’s pretend,

because all i’ve got is sink or swim,
survive, and hold on,

because this wire has frayed,
split apart

and took a nosedive
headfirst into the heart.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

i took a chance, now star-crossed

the fire in me, once strong,
sways and flickers,
before going dark.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

the wires are crossed,
the messages aren’t clear
and

habits die hard.

the question is whether i can quit this

or will i dive headfirst
into my own sins?

clouded by judgment, lost within,

can’t say i didn’t give my all.

i just find it easier
just to give in.

As the seconds turn to minutes,
The minutes into hours.
I move along the fibers of time,
Hoping I'll make it through the day.

As the days pass by,
It's getting harder to
Convince me
That I'm okay.

I tell myself:
It's only temporary.

But this sinking feeling
Comes in like a tidal wave,
Crashing over me.

Some days I feel
I can conquer the world,
Other days I feel
I'm not good enough.

Sometimes I feel I'm not fit for this life.

Everybody makes mistakes
but all I do is ***** it up.

Just when I think I'm okay,
There's a constant reminder
I'm living under a guise.

I'm not happy.
And I'm not okay.

I crash under the stress
And crawl back in my mental cave.

I feel like I'll never be good enough.

I feel like I'll never succeed.

I hope one day I can break free,
Of this mental torture consuming me.

I didn't mean to start
the violence.

Something inside
me broke, and

I came alive.

Releasing the anger
within,

Knowing no matter
what I do, I can't win.

Can't please the detractors;
scars have barely faded,
and look at what they've created:
a walking disaster.

Basking in the fire,
the walls keep closing in on me,
and the flames keep climbing higher
and higher.

The anger rising,
a tide of fire,
the monster inside,
tired of the lies
and neverending disaster.

Remember a year ago

When I was
Caught and
blindsided?

Emotions clouded over,
And I struggled every day.

Days I spent crying,
And it took me a while

To realize it was
For all the wrong
Reasons.

There’s no need
To keep the weight
On my shoulders

But I let it keep me
Down,

Back into
Familiar ground.

I kept diving deeper
Until I finally drowned

Back into the past

Before I took hold
And turned it all around.

Vision seeing double
The light inside,

Flickering
And fading

I realize if
I don’t do
Something
Now

I’ll spend an
Eternity in trouble.

It took a miracle
To wake me up

It took a miracle
To recover

I’m ready to move
Forward, separate
And sever

The past forever

And move on with
My life

Carefree.

I have my doubts,
Dreamin’, always
In the clouds.

But dreams aren’t
Reality, and already

It feels I’m lost in
The shadows.

I only wanted
To be part of
Something,

I only wanted
Everything and
In-between.

But life is about
Battles we pick
And choose,

And already,
I feel I’m going
To lose.

Doubt in self,
Everything and
Everyone else.

Already pulling
Me under, right
Beneath my skin,

My heart is bleeding,
For all the wrong
Reasons.

People come in
My life for a reason,

Some last a lifetime,
Some leave before

The change of the
Seasons.

But doubt persists,
And already I know
How this will end.

I still have my doubts,
Always dreamin’,
Always in the clouds,

I'm always
Running for cover

And riding the storm
Before the rain

Enshrouds me
In the darkness

Before I have a
Chance to recover.

Years have passed
And I finally see
With my eyes open.

Years of misery,
Tears, enough
To cry at a funeral.

I was in a comatose,
Waiting for someone
To bring me to life.

You were the one
I wanted and

You were right there
The whole time.

And that’s when
I knew,
At that moment,

Everything
Would be alright.

Back then,
We both went

Our own paths,
Made our own plans,

But somehow we
Crossed paths.

And now, loneliness
Is a feeling that’ll
Never last.

Years have passed,
But I can finally
See,

You were the one,
Meant for me.