i'll paint stars on your ceiling
to keep you close to heaven
even heaven wasn't enough
to make you want to stay
if you want hell's fire
i swear i'll burn hotter
i'll give you so much love
it'll wash your sin away

don’t rip my heart out of my chest until the swallows are choking on their hallelujahs.

twelve year old girls are popping pills; mommy’s medicine cabinet, vicodin to numb the pain. slitting wrists is out of style so they smoke instead, slow motion suicide that is nothing but a human way of escape. self sacrifice is sin unless you can make it look like an accident.

mommy and daddy think i am innocent but i’ve lost my sense of self awareness, i crash.

babydolls drool on her pillow tonight, their chests are ripped open and their eyes are gouged out. baby lucy doesn’t want to meet little bear, she’s already met the beasts in her mommy’s heart that beats at a rapid speed even when she’s sleeping. mommy is weeping.

it’s my party, it’s my party, i’ll **** well cry if i want to.*

my mind is not twisted, it’s just a little hazy, so i’ve forgotten who i am. no one knows how crazy it can get when your parents toss you around like a rag doll maybe i’ll bleed out all of the drugs that are swirling inside me.

smoker's cough
cough syrup
syrup on pancakes
pancakes flat on the road
road signs
sign language
language is power
power-puff girl
girl with a flat chest
chest full of secrets
secrets of lovers
lovers kissing
kissing goodbye
goodbye for now
now or never
never leave
leave me alone
alone on a sunday night
night whispers
whispers like autumn
autumn weather
weather for sweaters
sweaters unraveling
unraveling thoughts
thoughts on peace
peace and quiet
quiet down
down the rabbit hole
hole in my head
head of the household
household of disfunction
disfunction in my brain
brain dead
dead serious
serious situations
situations avoided
avoided my problems
problems with me
me and you
you are nothing
nothing much
much different
different sides of the world
world keeps spinning
spinning like a record
record speed
speed dating
dating yesterday
yesterday is gone
gone with the wind
wind on my skin
skin deep
deep water
water bed
bed of flowers
flowers in my hair
hair so brown
brown like mud
mud pie
pie filled with cherry
cherry red
red blood
blood oath
oath by the river
river fishes
fishes swimming
swimming in tanks
tanks in the desert
desert people
people without purpose
purpose
purposefully making up my mind
mind your mother
mother knows best
best man
manly faces
faces i can't remember
remember this?
this is where i say no
no thanks
thanks for the memories
memories erased
erased the words
words caught in my throat
throat full of tears
tears on my cheeks
cheeks of ruby red hue
hue of blue
blue
blue
blue skies
skies are falling
falling in love
love you more
more than you ever loved me

my hands and heart are calloused
from writing out our story
from living out our story
god knows
i breathe so much love for you
and it lives within me
and right now it's messier
than before

it's angry
it's painful
it's jaggedly soft and a whispered
prayer
are you there?
my love, are you there?

you may give up on me
but my knees are scuffed
because i've been praying
on concrete.
that never used to happen before

i've this carpet burn
from sleeping on the floor,
because the bed
is a mocking reminder
of the softness of your skin
of you love
of you

i'm a sinner, and you know it
but i felt so holy
when your lips touched mine
the way they did

i miss you
like an ocean misses the shore
i will always be trying
to reach you

my heart's still in your hands
it's in your hands
i always melted in your hands...

the world is spinning backwards.

you look me in the eyes
pull my hand to your mouth
and graze your tongue along my 3 fingers

my mind is spinning backwards.

you planted this seed
and i swear to god, as she is my witness,
i pray that you return to grow it.

my heart is beating backwards.

i am a million wrongs written in braille.
don't touch me, or i will be seen for what i am.
even though i don't know what i am.
so i guess it's best
that you leave me alone.

nothing gold can stay

i try my best to ignore the fact
that one day,
i'll see my first laughter line
a sign
of my own body rejecting my laughter

the beautiful are
the ****** in this land
we call earth

This.

You.
Me.
Us.

It feels like I knew you and everything you are
Before I even met you.

I feel so comfortable when I'm with you.
Like every moment I spend with you
Is more than just a moment.
It's all I ever wanted
And flawless and mine

You are really so much to me and
I don’t think that anyone could get how
You make me feel as if I am
Better than I am.

But nothing lasts forever and
I know this better than anyone.
With my tattered heart's edges
And my abandonment issues.
I know that despite your promises
You will leave.
And I can't stand the thought of being without you.

Not being able to hold your hand,
To hear you tell me you love me,
To get those texts from you
That make me lose my mind.
And make me feel sane all at once,
It's my nightmare.

I know that despite what you feel
Right now, one day you'll see
The beasts in me,
And you will leave.

Babe,
I love you.
I love you so much,
More than anything in the world.
But nothing lasts forever
And you will leave
Eventually.

But for now,
I'll just put you inside of my chest
And hold you in my arms,
Because at least one of those places,
You can't leave.

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words?
when all that’s left hurts.

in this thrifted sweater
and black and white floral skirt

in my soft and faded yellow
and on those pastel clouds
with my daydreaming eyes

i wanted a cheap ticket

you see,
i wanted a one way trip
to heaven
so i could stand protected
so i could stand behind
the holy gates,
bathing in gold light.
in my sweater,
wrapped in light
and safe.

little did i know i’d feel safer that day
that i’d taste some of heaven
in that sweater in late november
with your arm interlaced
in mine
like fate
had planned
for that to be
the moment our stars
aligned

you were a sunbeam
my sweater was security
and your arms beheld the stars
of the heavens
to me

and can i tell you something?
they were all
so
*yellow

i.
haunted houses. we are haunted houses- skyscrapers touching the sky with our fingers, holding dreams in our palms, praying no one looks inside of us, through the windows.

ii.
inside lie broken people, staring out, looking for someone to see them, but still lying by the window.

iii.
when one pane of glass is all that keeps us from falling, it's easy to break the glass and jump. that's how i fell for you. (you know, reality hurts.)

iv.
somewhere along the way those dreams in my palms were used to wash the windows and the lost soul inside of me sees everything in a dream colored tint.

v.
i never wanted to be broken, or haunted, or in love but things happen and here i am, the person inside of me no longer inside of me. no, she fell too hard and broke too easily, for the beauty inside of you couldn't catch.

i want to undress your words with my lips
with your hands placed above my hips.
our mouths in this messy bedroom dance,
and all of this love in my hands, your heart in my hands-

i can barely stay calm when you look at me like that, darling.

the gold flecks in her eyes
are so much like fire,

he doesn't remember what it felt like
to have my icy fingers on his spine.

the gold flecks in her eyes
burn so ******* bright,

he is forever blinded
to all displays of my affection.

my ice, my burning charcoal eyes,
my dark, dark, dark.

i needed his light,
i needed his warmth to melt my walls.

but he needed another fire,
to burn like hell,

and feel like heaven.
what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

and what he doesn't see is not there.

i'm constantly reminded
of the love i tried to coax
from a blade.

it reminded me
that i was real.

that no matter how empty
i felt,
i could still feel something.

i got more love from a razor blade
from broken glass
shattered cds
(anything sharp as his wits)

than i ever got from him

and yet somehow,
i'm still clean?

maybe because both of the loves
weren't real.
no matter how alive
they made me feel.

those skeletons you sleep with
are all half alive
but you've still got that half dead
look in your eyes
those skeletons you sleep with
aren't the type you can hide.

the scars on my wrist don't mean i wanted death, you see.
it just means this life wasn't quite bright enough for me.

i never
believed in forever
but you make me
want to
be proven wrong

you make me feel
like a lunar glow
like light
like something to
look at

i don't want it to end.

i want you to
zip up my
backpack
on the way home
and call me cute
and clumsy

and say i sneeze
like a kitten.

and i don't want it to end

if i was a dancer, you’d be the music, making me feel what you are in every bone in my body, holding me down and lifting me up with every note within you.

can you feel it?

this love is a whisper and a scream at the same time, and everything about that is perfect. your eyes meet mine and they are an intergalactic reminder of what it really means to be. with you i am. there is no want to be, could be, trying to be. i just am.

i am yours, i am happy. i am healing. i am beautiful. you make me feel beautiful in every way, and not just because you say i am.

you are the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind as i fall asleep.

i am always looking for you when i enter a room and when i’m not, i’m wishing you were there. when i walk into any space,  you are the first and only person i see. it’s like those scenes in the movies where everything blurs, and the two lovers are the only ones in focus as their eyes meet from opposite sides of the room and a love song is playing.

can’t you hear it?

this love is a slow jam and an alternative rock love ballad all at once. it’s the tingly feeling i get inside when you say you love me, and the look on your face when you think i’m utterly ridiculous but also quite funny. it’s our witty banter and the way you always make me smile like some sort of happy idiot.

you are a galaxy with an infinite number of stars. but somehow, i know i can always count on you.

i've tried to separate my soul into several pieces of dust and scatter them until i can't feel anything at all, including love for you. i picture myself far, far away; maybe some place close to where you are now, or maybe in a void where everything i've ever said loses all its meaning.

what a wonderful day that would be.

we are always busy trying to pretend we never knew each other, but i haven’t forgotten. at least, not yet. i was everything when i was with you, but you seem to prefer that i become a faded version of that person. life is not something we are promised tomorrow. but we weren't promised it yesterday either.







i'm afraid of the future, of growing up, and losing touch.






none of it matters, though.








nobody cares enough to tell me that i'm wrong when i'm not and lull me into a false sense of security.









goodbye.
goodbye.
goodbye.













goodby­e.

i had faith in you.
i loved you.
you were my home.
i believed we were meant for great things.
but instead of making us great again,
you'd rather make us hate again
so all my faith,
all my hope
is lost.

to the monsters under my bed//

i see all of you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. you whisper at night when i’m wrapped in blankets and my toes are cold. you say things. you creep into my mind and whisper tainted words that are not sweet nothings, but bitter everythings. i do not dream. i become my fears, shattering mirrors so i do not have to see them. i don’t have to see myself.

you are these battle scars, and the reason i am ashamed of them. you are the soft melody with harsh words and you’re on repeat. you’re ******* relentless.

when i was younger, you stayed in my bedroom and came out at night to taunt me. you’re everywhere now. your insults are the godforsaken soundtrack i’m living with.

living. what’s that mean? i sometimes wish i could carve strength from my bones, and wear it around my neck. i slide in and out of the present. no one notices, and the only relic that i bring from this time travel is an ugly one.

i remember being touched on my upper thigh/hands on my face/fear/living in the eyes of the sun/nothing. i remember nothing.

i hate you.

i hate the taste of damp salt. i miss the key to my heart being copied and handed to those who wanted to explore it. i don’t miss the house parties held there by the undeserving. the mess left. the cleaning process. attempting to heal.

some days i awoke and all of your eyes were staring into mine. it did not feel like looking at the stars. it felt like a glimpse of hell. a swear word. a sea of red.

i see all of you. but that doesn't mean that i accept you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. and you’re not just under my bed.

careful babe, i'm wasting away
i'm knee-deep in dreams i let fade away
before the days were gone.
would you believe me if i said
that i didn't mean to?
falling in love felt like falling into place
and with you i feel at home.
i've never felt safe i've always felt anxious
drowning in yesterday and all of the what ifs.
what if i faded into you
on a sweet night in october?
you'd be too young and i'd be old enough
for no one to care
if i felt the weight of the world
on my shoulders.
spit me out and call me baby,
drain my faith and let me go,
even though
you said you'd never
be like everyone else
and lie to me.

there we go, all our echos
fade into the dark.
voices and lights glow in the blackness
of this room
like the love we made in our hearts.

here i am, my soul is naked,
it's standing before your eyes.
i'm wearing my favourite colors
as my body fades into the light.
don't forget about me baby,
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

hand in hand, all our pain
drifting to somewhere else beyond here
lifting our heads while our spirits
are six feet underneath
the places we feared

here i am my soul is sorry
it's wilted and damp in your hands
i'm just a silhouette
and i need you to understand
don't forget about me baby
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

i spit out a fever and inhale a disease. there isn't much to see other than the time we let go to waste, the lovers we still forgot even with their faces always on the refrigerator. what you can not see is not real, what you can not touch isn't either.

in this endlessness,
i can't stop the raging fear;
it's a hurricane.

you don't know what you want to get out of me and i don't know why i look at you and see everything i've ever wanted. maybe it's those eyes, or the truth i sought to find when you called me beautiful. rushing, busy, busier, i go everywhere and nowhere but you're still on my mind.

flimsy tragedies
still fall from bending backwards.
how did we get here?

head over heels is an understatement i fell, heart out of mouth for you. i threw up my heart and my head spun around like a carousel. i was the clown and you were the ring master. sometimes you can't tame lions. sometimes the lion tames you.

i bleed beautifully,
fell in love with ideas,
hoping for the man.

blood-stained melancholia
whitening strips for her thoughts
black
diffusers for her insides

you can make tea out of
the anxiety in her stomach
but no amount of honey
will make it sweet

waiting/sunrise/flushed cheeks/bliss

this is
where two points collide/
where a body meets a soul/
where that gold tint in the skyline
is a reminder of how a past lover’s hair
appeared in the sunlight.

this is the place where the sky falls;
sun, moon, stars, and clouds
hit the ground. they crash
and they burn.

the ocean spills out so many gentle words.
but like love tokens in the night time
they mean nothing when
what is done
is done.
we are what we are.
scarred and unmade.
messy and undone.

what is holy?
is it the way you hold your lips,
or the straightness of your spine?
the glistening of skin in the moonlight
or the kiss of sweat on your forehead?
or is that just human?

when did i ever
stop being able to tell
the true difference?

in this place where
our points collide
and our stars align
something
slants in our sky
and it falls/flies/forces itself
upon the horizon

inside our rear view
is something we’ll forget
leave the past behind

and the stars,
they shall follow.

shriveled cells.
(if you need peace of mind,
i can give you a piece of mine)

oh wonder.
(hold still. i'll kiss you in
the rain and you'll be beautiful)

nightmare before christmas.
(you are a lot like someone
i left behind- who are you?)

jelly beans.
(sweet, sour, and lifeless.
don't you ever...)

daisy chains.
(you're going to be something new
i just don't know what else to say to you.)

watching people fall
in
    love
always makes me
so
    sad.

because true love is no where for someone like me.

you say you never gave me aught. i find this funny, because you gave me confidence before you gave me heartache, but both of them you gave to me. i try not to sit and wonder what if? what if i was there for you when you were at your worst? would you really have loved me?

nothing but late night whispers as misterwives covers that song about wendy.
wendy grows old, her window will close, and peter will still never grow up.

ready, set, stop. we don't go anywhere, although i'd love to go everywhere there is with you. i'll be a mermaid- my hair will be wet, my soul soaked in misadventure. i'll let you duck my head under for as long as you want, and if it kills me in the process, you can swallow these jelly beans whole.

my jelly bean soul will be with your gummy bear heart, and it will be pretty.
your smile is so bright it glows in the dark- i wonder where it's gone?

this ultralight beam is carrying me home. home away from home. home away from the heartache, and away from all of the things i lost when i thought i was in love with you. i lost a part of myself. it's still over where you are. singing songs i want to forget.

i've been spinning like a record, seeing you in the city, in the red of stoplights.
i once said i'd wait for you there but i'd rather float face down in the water.

i.
my love for him sometimes
was like a whispered secret

in the dead of the night:
quiet and careful.

other times it was a violent
thrash of the tongue,

hands clinging on to the highest
tree branch, afraid to fall.

(afraid to say goodbye.)


ii.
in hindsight i am sorry for trying
to save myself from getting hurt

by you.

i only shattered my heart
in the process.

iii.
(goodbye, ghost, i'm sorry
that i loved you so.)

(goodbye ghost, i'm sorry
that i let you go.)

you, my love are a work of art. a modern masterpiece. i look at you, and i can’t believe someone like you ever loved someone like me.

my love, you are softness personified. your eyes, your hands, your smile, your mouth, your eyelashes. but over all of that is the way you care. you act like you don’t, but with me? you always care so so much. i love that.

when i’m with you i feel so many different things at once, like:
at ease
in love
blissful
happy
loved
important
beautiful
and so very soft

you make me feel so soft and pure. like i am painted in one singular, elaborate, brush stroke. like i was sculpted from clay. like i was made from the crack in god’s ribs. like i was born from a quiet thunder and the tentative pitter-patter of summer rain. like the trees whispered me until i emerged from the soil. like i am a moment in a beautiful infinity.

i saw a brighter light alongside an endless colour palette and a supernatural glow when we first met. i saw it as a sign.

i love how much you’ve trusted me. from day one.

how on our first date, i learned so much about you. how i wanted to give you my everything from that moment on. how i knew. for once i knew.

i love that i made you better. that i brightened your life. that i am your best friend and that you ******* love me.

my love, if i had only one wish, i’d wish for us. i’d wish to be bright with you for as long as any star burning in the sky.

you, my love, are such a ******* galaxy. and i want nothing more than to be one of your stars. or a planet. or if you’d let me, a solar system. i just long to be a part of you the way that you are all of the good parts inside of me.

never mind,
i imagine him saying,
you know i lied.
you were never that beautiful.

he called me stunning and i wanted to say i loved him.
i wanted to say there was no mortal above him.

goddess, he said.

--

i'm seventeen and unfulfilled,
running from myself,
but however fast i am i still can't
get away from this place, from me.

self-destructing souvenirs in my head
why won't they burn away already
there's something empty about this bed
and my heart is growing heavy

--

i don't want to treasure you.
diamonds are always cutting me to shreds,
but they're never on my hands
pretty boys, they never take me to bed.

they just say hello to say goodbye.

naive. used to think that the world meant well and that everyone deserves a second chance. i no longer think this but i would still give you a second- no. i don't know how i feel. i'm falling in love with he who is not you and there's only one thing holding me back. it's the thought of you as i am caught on reverse constantly falling when i'm trying to soar out of this place. i wanted to be ejected into outer space, and i was holding on to my tongue in cheek. oh the irony.
      seconds last lifetimes.
      i'm trying so very hard.
      at last, you will mourn.
2. certain. i'm with someone new, and now i'm so scared. afraid. wary. trust and love and lust are all dangerous i've learned. you grew daisies in my brain and then, you watched them wither. he grows roses where our flowers had died. but now i know nothing. i am unsure of anything but the fact that i am leaveable.
      how easy you changed.
      poisoned. a broken promise.
      twisting in the dark.
3. bold. i remember when i told you that i loved you. or something like that anyway. i threw up the butterflies in my stomach when you called me beautiful, and i couldn't believe you were (almost) mine. i talked to you like you were my everything because you were, now there's someone else and he's almost got me to want to be brave again. i wish i was brave again. for me. for him. but not for you.
      i'll light the candles.
      the glow is surreal and bright.
      blessed be this lady.

one side of me,
it still loves you.
my baby blue ford-
my ride or die,
i'd live for you,
if only for you.

but he
he lights up my world
where you only have made it dark
but god i'd take the darkness any day.

but his light,
makes me feel like i have
the ability
to do
absolutely anything.
'tis a wonderful thing
or at least it almost is.

and the dark you give
only makes me feel
like i've failed.
the choice should be easy.

but my heart
is hurting,
unsure of the choice.

although either of you could
be completely out of reach

i don't know.

i. i've been praying all week for my shaky bones to harmonize with the crash of the city downpour, but right now they just yearn to collide gracefully with the strong bones of someone who has yet to learn the meaning of 'rhythm'. i ask myself, staring out at the rain, "what does it mean? to conduct an orchestra of chaos? of thunder?"

ii. i've been praying for this grief to be good to me, to solidify my roots, to ground me & make me the version of myself that i couldn't be when my heart was still at its fullest. i can't stop begging for loss to be what makes me before it breaks me.

iii. i've been praying for an autumn angel again, to remember how it feels to be so fragile beneath the cool & careful touch of another that i can't help but shiver / revive / shrivel / fall / die. (one more fallen leaf lain to rest among the others.) maybe this month i will rest again, my ghosts whispering "suddenly" or "finally", knowing it is all the same.

You can’t be real
you hold me until we fall asleep
I just hold still
when I wake and you don’t
You call me baby,
and I never thought I’d like that much
But I think that maybe,
that might just be enough.

oh my lord, i am so ******* in love with you.

I don't want to feel this way but everything is darker dark darker
And everything you say to me shatters my heart and soul
And everything you don't hurts even worse

my love stands on rooftops with a megaphone. it screams at the top of it's lungs to an endless melody. it's everything i am and everything i want to be.

my love tells him to stand still for a minute, it tells me not to think for a minute. it says that we can be so much if we just do and stop waiting. my love is the feeling in his throat when he tells himself that he is finally too far away to think of me. i know, i know.

my love does not care for his past. it holds his previous days in its hands but its the big spoon to the little spoon that is his future.

my love is a light in the distance that he can somehow touch with the palm of his hand. it's warm and soft and careful and it'll reflect into his eyes the next time he looks into mine.

my love doesn't wean or wane, it remains a full moon, so next time he looks up at the sky, remember: there's always a reason i am alive, and when i met him the reflection in the waters, the pull of tides, they showed me why.

our once upon a time was
lost on hopeful memories,
dancing in the midst of
the things you wanted to forget.

i want to see you undo it.

my dream-stained heart is in
love with you
my heart races with your
head on my shoulders,
replacing the weight
of the world.

i want to see you undo it.

high voltage in your artsy
fingertips
like a sweet lullaby.
are you okay?

i want to see you but you're not mine.

you can’t run away from me.
i’m the fate you can’t escape.

one day in a smaller city and you
forget that where you came from was like
a small town too.

small cities with big houses,
and rich folks with richer spouses–

is this the american dream?
because i never dreamed of this.
not really.*

all the lights are dim here.
streetlights, table lamps, and stars.
they all are just bright enough to overthrow
darkness, but not bright
enough to give anyone hope.

but the houses are nice,
and everyone drives an energy efficient car,
and it’s all quite nice
if you look you don’t look
behind
the curtains.

one day in a smaller city and you can’t
forget that you are small too.

i still cry every day.
but this time,
the pain hits me at one minute before midnight.
as thursday starts to bleed
into friday
i remember our days
and i get so so scared that they’re over.

midnight comes.
it’s tomorrow now, it’s the next day,
and i just want to cry until my heart
is hollow.
i want to get punched in the chest.
i want to
cry
cry
sob for hours until i can never ever cry again.
i want there to be an echo, so as to prove
that my heart is empty.

it’s not empty.

there’s so much love in there, babe.
i still love you so much that it hurts
to breathe.
what’s the point
in life without you?

i’m scared that you’ve stopped
loving me.
that all this effort i’m trying to put in
so that we can be together,
so i can love you
without pain,
is for naught.

i love you more than poetry,
more than myself.
i would tear myself to shreds and
i would never write another word
if it meant that i could have you again,
if you could take me again.

i want to stop crying.
but i don’t want to give up on us.
sometimes this is more than i could handle.
ian, my biggest fear was life without you
and now i understand the reason.

as much as i smile
everything inside of me is fractured into little fragments
my bluest oceans are murky
my skies are cloudy
my future is dim.
this smile is a coverup
a defense mechanism.

no, everything is not okay.
no, i am not doing better.
no, i have not and will not stop loving you.
no matter what they tell me.

i have no idea why you still make my heart pound out of my chest
just by saying "hey"

i.
the taste of blood in my mouth is becoming a lot like the twinge in my ankle. it's my own fault, it used to concern myself and others. but i'm learning to live with it. i'm learning to adapt.

it's really not fair
those ocean eyes drag me down
into their whirlpools.

ii.
there are times when i want to smoke. nicotine rubbed into my fingertips. clutching my lungs until the day it lets go. that day will be the day the rest of me lets go with it. finished. done. better. sometimes i wish i was a habitual smoker. that can't possibly count as sin.

i used to defy
gravity like a full moon.
i'm dreaming once more.

iii.
you can leave. i'm saying this because i don't want you to, and i know you don't want to. but if you think i'm okay with diving into a land of "i don't ******* know"s, maybe i can convince you to stay.

i used to believe.
magic. love. nothing is real.
i'll break my own heart.

iv.
i'm gripping the rope that is the possibility of us us us us. us in america- everything is worse here, but i'm here, don't you want to be too? i'll be a girl. the perfect girl. short skirt, long jacket, and a mask of a face. full of unheard whispers, and sweet simple suggestions.

*i'll leave america.
i'll find you somewhere i'm not.
i'll be submissive.

i've been told you're the
company you keep, and
with that being said,
i'm glad i've been keeping yours.

the more i get to know you,
the more i feel like there
are layers to you
that are soft,
and gentle,
and worth discovering.

i'm full of shadows.
the circles around my eyes
are stamps
of the love i left
behind, but somehow,
you make me feel like light
like a lunar glow
like someone.

there's something special
about you, and
i can see it in the contagion
that's your smile.
the way you say something
and i want to join in.

you're one of the few
people i don't mind
having to look up at.

when i'm with you
i don't mind feeling small.
because it does not
equate
with feeling insignificant.

no, around you i feel safe
you say my name and i feel
important. there's a little light
swallowing my shadows
and it exists because of you.

this life is a slippery *****
of mistakes and fears,
and i don't own much.

you make me
forget
i've ever wanted
to share with anyone
else.

because for the first time
in ages
i feel
like someone.

i. (lights)
paper lanterns
floating through the sky
halloween evening.
stars.
street lamps.
you are, you are, you are(...)
(bitter tastes are filling my mouth
but the acidic poison makes my tongue glow
glow glow in the dark.)

ii. (mathematics)
one plus one is two.
a real number.
me minus you is an imaginary number.
(it doesn't exist, but someone created
a way to make it exist.
i'm forced to exist
without you
by the rules of life.)

iii. (truths)
******* hell.
you are a baby bottle boy
and i'm a pacifier princess
we can't both be in the same place
at the same time.
*(maybe i'm wrong)

you used to write my name in stars
every time it left your mouth
you used to pull my soul apart
made me feel like i’d drowned
then you resurrected me
you perfected loving me
like it was an art
and so i had to write you down.

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words,
when all that’s left still hurts?

the moon is just simply a rock
without the sun to make it glow
and as the hands are ticking on the clock
you are all i know of home
i thought you needed me
please don’t leave it be
you are my every thought
the singing of my soul

i’d sung song after song
about the how your hair was so long
the way i’d felt all along
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted tunes,
when all that’s left of our love’s a tombstone?

i moonwalk, halo skewed and shredded.
sleep talk, mouth twisted, heart burning.

i am not an astronaut or an angel
or a small child- not anymore.

i used to be ethereal with stars in my eyes.
i used to be young and full of promise.

(promise me you see the gold
promise me you won't go blind)

i fall forward, my face buried in imagination,
i haul the sword, to cut this heart in half.

i'm not a soldier, or a courtier
or whole, i never was.

but i used to be ethereal.
oh!

i used to be, i used to be, i used to be...