i still cry every day. but this time, the pain hits me at one minute before midnight. as thursday starts to bleed into friday i remember our days and i get so so scared that they’re over.
midnight comes. it’s tomorrow now, it’s the next day, and i just want to cry until my heart is hollow. i want to get punched in the chest. i want to cry cry sob for hours until i can never ever cry again. i want there to be an echo, so as to prove that my heart is empty.
it’s not empty.
there’s so much love in there, babe. i still love you so much that it hurts to breathe. what’s the point in life without you?
i’m scared that you’ve stopped loving me. that all this effort i’m trying to put in so that we can be together, so i can love you without pain, is for naught.
i love you more than poetry, more than myself. i would tear myself to shreds and i would never write another word if it meant that i could have you again, if you could take me again.
i want to stop crying. but i don’t want to give up on us. sometimes this is more than i could handle. ian, my biggest fear was life without you and now i understand the reason.
as much as i smile everything inside of me is fractured into little fragments my bluest oceans are murky my skies are cloudy my future is dim. this smile is a coverup a defense mechanism.
no, everything is not okay. no, i am not doing better. no, i have not and will not stop loving you. no matter what they tell me.
i can't. it's 12:15 in the morning and i wish i couldn't feel my heart anymore.