i. i've been praying all week for my shaky bones to harmonize with the crash of the city downpour, but right now they just yearn to collide gracefully with the strong bones of someone who has yet to learn the meaning of 'rhythm'. i ask myself, staring out at the rain, "what does it mean? to conduct an orchestra of chaos? of thunder?"
ii. i've been praying for this grief to be good to me, to solidify my roots, to ground me & make me the version of myself that i couldn't be when my heart was still at its fullest. i can't stop begging for loss to be what makes me before it breaks me.
iii. i've been praying for an autumn angel again, to remember how it feels to be so fragile beneath the cool & careful touch of another that i can't help but shiver / revive / shrivel / fall / die. (one more fallen leaf lain to rest among the others.) maybe this month i will rest again, my ghosts whispering "suddenly" or "finally", knowing it is all the same.
i wrote this last month. cathartic writing is what i live for
Wings of darkness float my way I am the ocean, a sprawling black mess But I still can't sea Harsh orange rages on forever Words are scattered like puzzle pieces that won't fit Colours unravel whether or not I want It's too much, trying too hard to be victorious The whispering, the endless laughter, it's driving me to a pit Pain takes flight as a member of a controlling fleet Embracing the full fury of a blackened spiral To slowly drag me away to a chamber of scorching heat Everything feels so painful, yet I don't stop it Because it's glorious For one moment, I feel triumphant Soon the feeling will drag me under with it But to hell with long-lasting pleasure Serenity Happiness Wings of darkness take me away
Sorry to disappoint But I'm starting to crack I took on too much Now I'm slipping Tired eyes, tired heart, exhausted mind I wish not to bother you With my melodramatic problems I do not want to be here now I want to be free With my poems to keep me company At this point I don't think I can promise anything I'm sorry to disappoint I'm sorry
And the wave is crashing Oh here comes another Well, this is no fun at all To think of it! That I wouldn't be a sailor. Oh and again. Up we go. Rile me over ocean Drown me once again. Is this how it ought to be? My existence has a purpose - But only to suffer. And it crashes! A downward spiral for sure now What is this cause? Oh lofty emotion may the waves take you And me both I could do with drowning I really could Before another wave hits harder still Bring me the calm of the depth below
This is an excerpt of my minds rambling. My mind's voice is often quite sarcastic - so it should be read in a melodramatic kind of voice
There was a spark that made me smile It put me to sleep when time could not I wished I could ignite that spark that puts life in me
When I found the spark didn't notice my reaction I was near the edge prepared to step off How could a spark acknowledge my being A spark isn't alive, it's just a result of 2 things, 2 people, interacting That's impossible
Just like you and I are impossible
When the spark, the only spark, died... My palms covered my face because it never breathed, for it was never embraced, or born