everyone has a story and mine is painted
the color of the oceans on the bermuda coastline.
it’s so beautiful/sad/broken/much like art.
my skin sometimes shimmers like that lake by your
house in florida, the lake that knows how to dance
in the moonlight like we did that night when you
you put an arm over my shoulders and we swayed
like lovers to a song others have kissed so passionately to.
it’s funny. i saw you and i saw your story.
i saw it painted in sunsets,
and sun showers,
and tears in the rain.
you had a story with the colors of fresh bruises, and it intermingled with mine.
what if i let my soul spill out onto a canvas again?
would we be able to pretend
like this love never had to end
and could we blend our colors together
like the watercolor paints we’re made of
and transcend
above the pain and
the darkness
that envelops us
and our story?
what does it mean to have a story?
i wonder this, as i instinctively tell ours
and hope that i left some fingerpaint
on your heart.
i hope
you can set me apart from anyone you have ever loved.
i still love
you in color although my world's gone grey
even though i have to keep reminding myself that
your voice sounds like a violet galaxy
because it’s got the kind of stars i may never get to see
again.
once again i am left to watch a lover on the sidelines
and it’s like my
heart is forever breaking in the night time
and the daytime.
all the blasted time.
i’m crying on my knees
praying to a god i never used to believe
in but only a higher power could cause this bleeding
of love that i was seeking.
and now i understand the meaning in
be careful what you wish for.
and i am unsure
of what i miss more.
the purple streak in your hair,
the look in your eyes,
the embraces,
the kisses,
the glow in the dark,
the float above the ground,
the couldn’t care less,
the sounds,
of your voice,
your laugh,
your heartbeat,
the way you’d effect my heartbeat…
i had stars in my eyes, babe,
but the stars bleed
and i hardly see
anything but what we
used to be.
we used to be everything in every galaxy
and me?
i used to be,
i used to be,
i used to be free.
can’t you see it’s killing
me, turning my colors grey?
can’t you just
wouldn’t you just
please just
stay.
stay a moment while i find the right words to paint.
the right words to say.
words the color of love/fear/the bay/promise.
because i love you like a promise
soft, pale blue, and the skyline,
ever present, never evanescent and true.
i want to continue this story,
because we were so lovely
and we had so much more
in store.

come on in baby the water is warm

i'm afraid to dive,
because
last time
i lost bits and pieces of myself
inside.

kiss me baby my lips are warm

i can't, because i'll swallow
what was left of the pride
in my mouth
when your tongue
is inside.

i'll hold you baby my body is warm*

my body is a shaking
little mess,
but you open your arms
and hold me
inside.

i’m nothing but the fool
my love was on fire, your eyes were cool
and i have suddenly become your stranger
and you have easily become a traitor

and oh what a miracle we were
but oh i forgot we never could occur
in the same place
there’s not a way
please go away

stars in the sky burning like hellfire
their lights above my hurting desire
ice in the eyes my only lover
scars on my heart as you make love to her
in the dark a.m.
oh in the dark a.m.


i’ve got tears in my eyes
my wrists are on fire, i needed your lies
and i have broken my heart myself
and you have fallen for someone else

and oh what an ache’s in my head
but oh my eyes are still blood red
in the same way
they were before you came
and now you’re away

stars in the sky burning like hellfire
their lights above my hurting desire
ice in the eyes my only lover
scars on my heart as you make love to her
in the dark a.m.
oh in the dark a.m.

you have eyes full of intergalactic spasms and
a smile quiet like falling snow.

but right now, silent whispers fill your gaze,
and we're meant to be slaves
to the quiet.

i hope everything works out
for you, because i hate this too.

this hurt in your eyes it's-
this pain on your face just-
i love you too freaking much
to want this for you.

so i touch your hand,
and hug you a second too long,
although neither of us want to cry today.

just know babe, i'm always here for you.

you can find home in me,
when the one you're living in
feels like hell.

you can find home in me,
if not anywhere else.

will you show me all the places
that make you feel at home
when you're feeling out of place
with no where else to go?

because lately i've been
feeling like a square peg,
trying to fit into a round hole.

but you make me feel
like there are places
i belong.

will you listen to music with me in the graveyard
with my head against your chest,
and let me sing about a place so far
as you say you like me best?

because lately i've been
hoping for something sweet
and i felt when you held my hand.

as you helped me
like a delicate flower
over a stone wall.

will you tell my i'm worthy a million times,
until i believe in you, in that truth,
with all my heart despite my crimes
because of the love i feel when with you.

because lately i've been
thinking you're something soft
someone i could grow to love someday.

you are not the
shield you put up, so
open your gates to me.

he was not a mistake.

he was
more like
a happy accident,

for he taught me
how to
love
again.

i'm sick of being a broken toy/
a parasite.
perhaps i belong to the dump.
perhaps amongst the dead.

sometimes i think about you,
and i want to cry until i drown
in self pity and salty tears.

i've got a weak heart with a strong heartbeat
and it's struggling to remember the thrills of affection
with out the pain of shaking, and tears and wanting
to say sorry when i did nothing wrong. i put
too much pressure on myself
and no one understands how much i love you.

it's like i'm choking on memories of boys
who aren't you and girls who don't actually want
me.

it's like the world is always telling me i can't
it's like everyone especially myself knows
i can't do this ****.

i going to bed, love.

please be there when my eyes flicker open.

and maybe our time in the light will come.

there’s a place where the trees collide as if they
are making love and the hush of the leaves overlapping
is like a whisper of,
branches and plants and limbs and bodies.
maple and palm and sandalwood
and fresh air.

the roots messily fall along edges and depths
of soil
and i just want a love like that

natural like nature
quiet yet passionate
messy and thoughtful

the kind of love that is clear like a waterfall
like laughter and fish nipping at your toes
peace, sunbaths, the chirp of the birds
at the sunset bay,
where the moon tucks in daylight/

it’s like in this place,
there’s a hyperawareness of bruises
and there’s a gentle caress of the wind.
and the way your lips part at a near death or when
a song is on the tip of your clicking tongue
is lacking
numbness.

unwavering sentience
an empath spinning in a hurricane.

the best lover to is the one
that feels like home
when you
are homeless.

and i know, for
the trees tell me so.

I’m reminded late at night
Of exactly what it was like
To be holding you tight
Shouldn’t have ever let go

This isn’t what we wanted
And I just feel so  haunted
My friends could say I’ve lost it
But what would they know?

They don’t know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve  dreamt of you
So, what should I do
With this?

I see you now and then
You’re hanging with our friends
It’s like I’m hitting a dead end
Everywhere I go

I hate acting like I’m fine
When I’m wishing you were mine
And that I wasn’t wasting time
Being all alone

Wish I didn’t  know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
I can no longer look into
And I need something to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
With this?

I wish/ I could kiss/ your lips/ give this/ a moment/ to fix/ itself
I would never ask for anything else

Do you know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into?
(are those eyes mine?)
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can not run to you
(are you still mine?)
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
Don’t know what to do
With this
What should we do
With this

i kept this love for you hidden in my veins like drugs or alcohol, like you could just find it on my breath if i leaned in too close or too soon. i blink and i hear your voice/feel your touch. i blink and i can almost rewind to those sweet winter days, the spring, the summer, the days you called me beautiful. falling for you was not seasonal. it was yearlong and so heavy lidded and blissful.

i still want to grow old with you. i want to ask you, “honey, did you feed the fish?” i want to go on our one hundredth date and still get butterflies. i want to look into those beautiful eyes and know that right then, right there, i’m looking at my whole ******* world. i want to wake up with your body so tangled with mine we could be mistaken for a singular, otherworldly being. i want to come home later in the day and tell you about my day at work as i’m in the recliner and you’re massaging my shoulders. i want the purest softest love the universe can muster.

you make me sure of one thing, and that is that love transcends. period.

everything about you is a reminder of what love is to me. and i want to protect that love more than anything in the world, okay?

i don't kiss angels
but i love them until i
become one myself

i try to find a million words to match all that i am feeling,
but all that comes out of my mouth is steam.
hot air, water clinging to my breath.
i'm longing to drink coffee with you on a balcony
where everything is
beautiful, including us,
and all you can say is a cool breeze of a "thank you"

we are not angels.
we stopped doing those drugs since
dreaming can numb you.

i beg you to rip my wings from my back.
they don't remember how to fly. i've forgotten how,
since you've stopped coming to my window,
since you've stopped calling me pretty,
since you have been on my mind like a scratched cd,
and that one line is full of your words, and they repeat
over and over and over and over.

i used to be bright.
but all glitter is not gold.
this i remember.

i cant bear to even look at the stars. those broken
constellations seem so sad now
that you aren't thinking of me
when you see them.
i open my mouth and all that comes out is a swarm
of bees and they sting me into fragility
until i just break.

we weren't even what
i had wanted anyway.
so why does this hurt?

i'm probably not going to sleep.
(i know i should but i won't)

so i'll just listen
to mixtapes

and think about this flower
that's blooming,

and how the way you say my name
makes me want to hold your hand.

my heartbeat is like a quiet thunder
and these tears are the showers
that water the love-seeds in my chest.

there’s not enough color in my head
but there’s so much red and it bleeds.
my love for you bleeds,
and the roses that grow here
are covered in thorns.

i can’t hold on to them
and come out
without scars.

his eyes spill over with yellow
sunlight
and honestly i've never
wanted anything so
bad.

i found the meaning of life
in his smile/
when he says my name/
in his eyes like autumn mornings.

i was made for him.
and on good, fine, and bad days,
my love is made for me too.

i see my future in that look
he's got in his eyes.
and it's all
i ever dreamed it would be.

he's another galaxy of stars
that puts the sun
to shame.
it whispers its praise.
and i
am brought
down to my knees.

outer space is like broken english. if you lean in closer you can understand it a little better.

i wish i was with you
right now
our fingers laced
my head on your shoulder

sometimes i imagine how life will be
when you move off to new york.

will you be brighter
without me to dim you?

i see you bustling
about the big city, following your
dreams up there
while i'm chasing mine
down here

in this nowhere town with its
roots buried in the past
and its leaves curving downward.

how do i know that your ever-beating heart
will race its way back to mine?

you will be  up there
with the honey coloured streetlights
and the streets bursting with so many  lives,
that they tell their own story.
i'll be down here with the honey suckle bushes
and the pale white lights in the sky
staring down at me.

my hand will stretch for something to hold it
my lips looking for someone to kiss
my body bracing itself for the embrace
that never comes
and always goes,

you will always go
and lying alone
in bed
i hope
that you remember
to return.

you'll find me on the corner of the street,
where you first said,"'hey, what's your name again?"
if you found me alone where'd you want to be?
it'll all change but i'd still be the way that i was when we were young
and in love and free.
believe me.

i.
if i came to you with a shroud over my eyes, would you ask me why i’m hiding? there’s a whole lot of love, you used to say, and i would stay quiet, while my eyes overflowed with the least of it.

i’ve got lessons to learn, i’m trying to escape it. i’ve got a lot to grow, but i swallowed the seeds- hey. will you kiss me again? you used to tell me that the world is our constellation, that we are all dots connected. will you go? or will you craft me into your grand masterpiece, because i’m still waiting.

the best of us lies in between my sheets, in words i can’t say because they burn my throat. i’ve always been good at swallowing **** whole.

ii.
this is where it started: her lips on my neck, her hands around my neck, doors locked, eyes locked, fingers interlocked, then wandering, but then:
     high dives.

and her skin is soft beneath her t-shirt, and her eyes are heavy beneath her bangs, and her body’s weighted blanket as i lie beneath her. some bit of drowning, and i wanna swallow her whole, hold her quiet shaking in my palms, i’ve a palm on her chest and suddenly we’re
                  just gone.

so all i remember is her mouth and her skin and her, and all i want is her mouth and her skin and-

next time she asks if i’m alright, she guides my hands. she leads me to her jannah, to her atlantis. my hands are under her skirt and my eyes are nervous and she tastes the way she did when we were drunk in her kitchen and i ask her what’s okay and she says it’s okay okay. and for a moment i’m all she wants.

sometimes,
i don't know what to say.
so i won't say much.
or i won't say
anything.

i'll just
let our eyes meet,
let my skin
brush against yours,
let you see
my cheeks
burn
the colour of redwood.

and then?
and then i will hope.
i will hope
for that to be enough.

with my hand
on your thigh
and your hand
over mine.

and my heart
saying everything
my mouth
can not.

i hate this
i feel like everything inside of me
is fractured.
i am fractured.

the rest of me still lies with you.
my whole,
it lies with you.

i feel so sad.

everything i am is intertwined
with you.
and yet everyone expects
me to split my soul
and still go on
as if i am complete.

when i'm not.

when i'm broken in pieces
some of which are missing
are with you
you you you you you you you

i love you so ******* much, okay?

i can't just let go.

i don't want to lose that much of myself
when i had just found out
who she was,
and her purpose
while loving you.

i'm tired.
emotionally,
physically,
and mentally.

i've felt so much,
and used up so much energy
and thought too long and too hard
about everything.

i'm tired.
i just can't find motivation some
mornings, some afternoons,
some nights (at all/ever).

there are some things we want that we can’t always have. happiness. love. but we make it through, you know? why? because humans are resilient creatures. we are made to withstand pain, and loss, and whatever else. biologically that’s how we’re made, it’s an evolutionary thing. it’s something that happened because of our history as creatures on earth. we are adaptable.

Why does the heart go on?

this must be what
heaven feels like-
my hand is holding onto
your arm
and my head is on your
shoulder
and your hair is brushing
against my cheek
and it's soft
as we're walking.

we talk about little things
but if you felt my heartbeat
it would say everything.
it's racing with nerves
and messy feelings because
i've dreamed of this for
some time.

you know,
wrote poems, made playlists,
turned feelings into art,
because that's what i do.
but no art could come close
to doing you
justice.

i could write for ages
and still not come close to describing
how i'm bursting with butterflies and
feel like i've been brought to life and
how even as my entire body is
nervous i'm also calm as a low tide that's
still touching the horizon
it thought it was too low
to reach.

is there somewhere
you
can meet me?

(are your hands cold, are your feet colder, do you hear my voice, now?)

i don't really
want
this to end.

(not yet anyway, i've gotten too close to figuring out our dynamic.)

i can't see you.
you
have faded.

(feelings = omnipresent- i can't get away from wanting love from you.)

i keep feeling
want
and it's sad.

(it crawls down my throat making me recite the poems you wrote me.)

everything
you
need is here.

*(find me on the corner of the street where you always imagined us)

i was your blue skyline
and you
were my purple sunrise.

there are stars above me
and, my god, they shine
like nothing ever changed.

(but they’re not as bright as the
stars i saw in your eyes
or as the stars you put in mine)

i miss you more than the moon misses
the sun,
you were my sun
and i could not shine without you.

i’m not so bright anymore.
do you still adore
me?
do you still adore
do you still
do you

do you?

you are an echo of my voice colliding with the wet walls of this place. 'it's okay!' i scream. 'it's okay' you, my echo, say; you whisper like a flower petal in the wind. (it will dry up and die, just like we will eventually)
                                there are better days
                                somewhere far away from here
                                i swear - i can tell
vanilla chocolate chip is my favourite flavour of all time. the beauty of it all is equivalent to the sadness - i imagine what you'd taste like before i sleep and try not to cry. those misty eyes are not the answer.
                                so many days of
                                solitude on my beige walls
                                hanging, bitter, art
i pedal slowly away from the end. i am not ready for anything this dark. i sing every single love song ever written to the wind. she is my best of friends really.
                                *i can't get those words
                                unlodged from my aching throat
                                love's trapped there for now.

call this our moment,
no matter how broken,
heartbeats slowing-
where are we going?
call this my fault
forget how i taught
you how to breathe
is it that hard to see me?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


call me so *****
call me so worthy
pretend like you’ve heard me
say you won’t hurt me.
call this the end
tell me it’s all pretend
that there are no feelings
is it easy to stop breathing?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


and you seem to be
everything to me
you’re the reason i can see
what’s next for me.


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.

i hide the ghost of who we used to be
underneath my covers. i sleep, my legs
intertwined with its legs, my fingers on its cheek.
it looks like our child would have looked, but
it has no gender, no identity other than the
two of us. innocence and frivolity coat its tongue
and unsaid i love yous are cotton ***** caught in
its throat, not set free, the people we used to be
could never set those three words free
into the air. into each other’s mouths. into the sky.
and as the cold body lies next to mine, i wish
i had a bigger bed and didn’t have to be tangled
with the ghost of who we used to be.

who's that girl and why is she prettier than me and why were you with her in a dark area that you never said you wanted to be with me in?

babe, you feel
like home.

soft, warm
and safe.

can i keep my head on your shoulder until i feel alright?
because i can never fall asleep at night,
and you make me feel fine,
like i'm bathing in all of the lights.

you are comfort,
when nothing is
comfortable.

you could be my home,
i don't need a map
to find your soul.

x

i think i'm going to break./
i'm so ******* sorry.

nothing makes sense right now and i'm scared
and i don't trust myself and god i'm sorry.

i shouldn't have brought you into this
and i don't know how many times i
can apologize-
but i'm so freaking sorry,

my heart is always yours.
i love you.

i want to sew this date onto my
heart for ever,
because that's when you,
so careful and so nervous,
told me how you feel about me.

darling,
you have the sweetest constellation
of a smile.
i love to play connect the dots
with the corners of your mouth.
i want
to use my pinkie finger
and drag it along your lips as
you
lay still
and my
hands shake.
i'd take
my time
and love you like an angel.

darling,
i love it when we embrace.
you always squeeze a bit too tight,
you call me el - i
only allow you to call me el-
and then you look me in the eyes
with those
blue, lightbulb, l-e-d, pastel coloured eyes
of yours.
****.

darling,
i'm moving forward
from the heartache,
and i'm looking at you.
you are not a fallback
and i don't even deserve your attention.
but when you say that you told your family
i sneeze like a kitten,
i imagine meeting them,
your mother saying:
that's the one.

darling,
maybe you'll save me from myself,
because he never could.

darling,
one day,
if
we kiss
goodbye-
no.
one day,
when
we kiss
hello
i hope i can say
i can give you all you deserve.

yes, i know,
your heart is aching
it needs to be handled with attention
and care
but no one seems to care
enough to be careful

yes, i know,
it hurts, it's in black
and white
you can't see/feel the colour

yes, i know,
sometimes you need
a friend.
me too.

if i could be a friend
the pale blue through your window
i'd paint your world in colour-
in every colour
with the tips
of my fingers
and i'd be careful.

my shattered soul arches in pain.
it aches
to love you without
this bleeding.

it misses the loveglow
the blissful nights,
the peace of mind.

but hey,
i'd rather remember
what it was like
than forget
what it was for.

i am forever yours.
forever yours.

hushed whispers,
in a night, of wild dreams,
procreated a child
and named her hope.

and she,
she whispered too;
quiet dreams of being lost
and/or found
in the thrill of it all.

but these hushed whispers,
in a night of wild darkness
and broken memories,
procreated another child
and named her despair.

suddenly hope was forgotten
and the creator of the hushed whispers
coddled despair.
traded hope for despair.

belligerent, and bitter, and broken
the creator
felt nothing
but the child held in the arms
that used to hold the other.

feathered dreams float into our closed fists somehow,
and while we’re wondering why,
they poke holes into our palms and crawl
into our bloodstream.

i'm a paper doll
ripped in two,
and half of me
dwells with you.

i.
they say to share an umbrella is to share your heart. it's pouring outside, everyone's so busy, that the only thing thing they share right now is the sidewalk.

but, hey. this makes me want to paint what love sounds like. i want to paint the stars on your chest and the rain boots stepping in puddles on your abdomen.

i'll paint the umbrellas on your eyelids so i can treasure them as you sleep.

ii.
they say to share an umbrella is to share a moment you won't want back. it's hellish and bustling outside. no one bothers to look up and wish for the stars when they have so much to do.

but, still. this makes me remember how rich and lovely our moments were even if separated by time, but do i want them back?

i'll tape poems on the ceiling , so i never forget what it's like to feel beautiful.

iii.
they say to share an umbrella is to be suspended in time. when the red of the stoplight shines, the cars stop and the people go, go, go.

but, darling.this makes me think. if we could go back in time would you be a car or a person? would you be halting for the travelers, or moving forward leaving the cars behind?

i'll sing along to any song you want me to babe.

safe sounds run soft in this world. eyes shut running backwards but reaching for the sky, my hands touch the horizon, fingers grazing an almost liquified sky. i focus on how it feels, not how pretty it is, and when i touch it, i can feel the colours can feel the things it's seen. it has seen so much.

                   i cannot save us
                   from the type of destruction
                   in my heart and head.

it's all about the wrong green, you know. shattered mirrors can't see intentions, but everyone's trying to make the green and have the happiness they think it can buy. the sky kisses truths onto my fingertips. it tells me that it has seen too many men lost to greed. too many men chasing a feeling rather than chasing the honest thing of it all. maybe the greed consumes them because they go about life with their eyes shut.
                  
                       i am so sorry
                       but blindness is the skin
                       i made, and it bleeds

"don't use me as a warning sign there's a place a few miles from here, past the place that reeks of the weakness of men, they call it utopia but it is not free of all the things that eat men alive. those animals are just more tame here" the sky speaks these things and i believe them only because i need to believe that men aren't slaves to their own blind-hearted goals. safe sound ring as men fall victim to it all.
                    
                      i'm leaving today
                      not to find more of the green
                      but to feel safer

we paint pictures of a war nobody remembers, but the sky does. oh yes it whispers it's pain and cries because it's got so much to cry for. "i have seen the blood of everyone dead and will see the blood of everyone living shed on the grass. the quiet deaths are just another safe sound you learn to embrace when you are this old." my chest tightens. "but what about the stars? there are people who stare up at you stricken with grief and hope all at once." the sky laughs, cold. "it's not long," it says. "it's not long before someone tries to claim them too and hope will be gone and grief will remain.
        
                       i refuse to think
                       that there's nothing left to hold
                       on to when in grief

his words always brightened my day and made
me smile

they were freshly printed ideas as much
as they were love lines,
like laughter lines
but on the inside of your chest
beat- beat- beating.

they folded themselves into my heart
and made me feel like i was
in love.

every word crafted beautifully in the blanket
that were his poems.

when i lay my head to rest
and tried my best to sleep
it was only
when remembering his words,
that i could fall asleep.

smiling.
dreaming.
loving.

i.
i wake in the dark.
i check the clock on my wall too see what time it is,
and it’s only three in the morning.
i’m reminded of that song
by matchbox 20.
it’s three am, i must be lonely.


ii.
i’m used to being left.
this shouldn’t happen
you said.
people like me never know what we need.
this shouldn’t happen.


iii.
i feel as if i am suspended in time.
while people keep moving on.
i’ll cut off my tongue
so the words i say
*can never hurt you.

i fell for an impossible heartbeat
i could never feel.
spat into a well of despair
to give it a piece of me.

eventually
i got tired of crying
of bleeding
of caring
of dripping
with desperation.
love me love me love me love me
emanating from my skin.

i will not be someone
with so much feeling
that i am numb.
that i go through the day
afraid
of how crumbled i've become.

so i took a pen and wrote
until the ink
carved you out of my heart
and i felt the
dam rise
and the flooding stop
and the pain trickle away.

oh how wonderful it is to be free.
spilling dreams on
a lined page
and hopes
onto someone new
someone
who isn't you.

don't get me wrong,
i care about you.
you're still my baby blue ford
in a way.
you are still a green light
shining in the distance.

but now, it's daytime here.
and the sun shines brighter here,
so your light
isn't so grand anymore,
you know?

i just want your compass to point you to the home you could find in me

**it doesn't matter anyway