I made peace
with the pain
And reminisced
what is yet to end

You once asked me
what I'd do
if you asked me to stop being friends
with you

I said
- "I'd ask why,
and I'd feel sad"
- "I'd never be the
same person again"
- "But I can't really force someone
to be my friend"

You thought
I needed to fight more
for you

and then you said
"Know that will never happen."
"I would never ask you to stop being friends."

You never did,
You just left.

I'm no longer the same person

So I guess,
in a way
we both kept
our words.

Repeating
the same mistakes.

Everyday
feels I'm speeding
on a roundabout

Physics might disagree,
but I think if I speed enough,
I can crash into my past self;
stop her from ever starting
this vicious cycle.

I wonder
why it all started

what made me ride a ferris wheel
when I was afraid of heights?

was it the idea
of a view?
missing out on something I never knew?

The first time,
height was just a dimension
I felt limitless;
I discovered a new invention.

The view wasn't green grass,
or blue skies
it was a dark beard
and blue eyes

I thought to myself
"I never want this to stop"
so I got into my car
and tied my hands
to the wheel

he sat in the passenger's seat,
smirking at my addiction.
I thought his smiling,
was a happiness depiction.

with time
it started feeling consuming,
the fear of crashing;

I wasn't afraid of dying,
I was afraid of killing
the only person
who made me feel alive

.
.
.

Today,
I'm in a speeding car
driving in circles

In the passenger's seat,
is a bag of *****
and he's nowhere to be seen

I am still not afraid of dying,
but I choose to live

Our ancestors' DNA
altered our own

I bet
My ancestors
were runners

Maybe they
ran from lions
ran from fire,
ran from fear

Sometimes
I have the urge to run
I would be sitting in class
And it would suddenly hit


My fears are indescribable,
Unspecified

I run
from conformity
from reality
I run towards habit,
I run back home

Reverting
to my old ways

Falling
in the same hole,
black hole

I run
because I don't know
how else
to silence my brain

It yells so loudly sometimes
Sends impulses
Stronger than lightening
And my muscles shiver

I can't stand still
whilst self destructing

I need to know
That I've tried

I have tried
To fix myself
In the only ways
I know would work

Even if they are
The same ways
That ruin me

We were uncertain
of each other's feelings
hoping
they would be as our own

When you said goodbye
for the last time
it moved my heart to the back of my throat
and and my tears to the back of my eyes

Every fiber within me was fighting for love
for you

Unaware, I ran
It felt as though my eyes were closed
and yet I still knew my destination,
It was you

Let me tell you one thing
before time alters this memory
Let me tell you that I love you
before you express your apologies and flattery

.
.
.


It embraces me,
the feeling I never want to forget;
when all nerves within me fired impulses
as you spoke "I love you too"

But compromise, felt a lot like human sacrifice
I lost myself
To be with you

I drink my morning coffee,
gulp after gulp,
searching for sanity
in the bottom of the cup

Swimming in your sea,
and your waves keep moving me

I find myself on the shore of a country
am I now imprisoned or free?

I don't know.
All I know is-

I did not flee,
it was your spree,

It pushed everyone away, including me.

It was easier for him
to refer to me as 'she'

To avoid the streets I walk in
and to never drink tea

To avoid eye contact
and throw away his key

To make new friends
who are not friends with me

To convince himself
that I'm erased from his memory

To throw away the plants
and cut down the tree

To drop everything
and - just like that - flee

He doesn't know it yet,
but that doesn't help

He thinks he is forgetting me
but he is remembering-
he is remembering to forget me

and memory doesn't work this way

As much as it pains me to say,
- make new memories in the streets we walked in
- and associate tea with food, not me
- water the plants so they would grow, as can we
- look me in the eye and remind yourself, I am not the me I used to be, that you used to see
- repeat my name over and over, until you feel nothing
- keep your key because I changed the locks
- meet up with our friends, and hear my news- and wish the best for me

I wish the tear on my cheek was because I am cutting onions,
as I am preparing your favorite meal,
but it isn't

I hope you'll associate me with goodness,
and smile when you're 80 as you remember me

You were the reason why

and I forgot that

[you are]
woven into my soul
and brain
beyond recognition

The way you express love
is destructive
but I don't think anyone taught you
otherwise

And no one taught me
how to live in ruins

Take what you find pleasing,
your happiness is mine

Break me into pieces
and keep me in your fist

- He pulls my wrist
like a parent does a child
And I wonder
"Mother, what have I done wrong?"

I found a bike without wheels in his basement
I'll pedal till I'm courageous enough to run -

Our latest conversations are sounding a lot like goodbyes
I don't know
if you
have noticed

The high notes
in your voice,
as you cry
during goodbyes

Those shrieks,
so muffled,
like prayers
of the opressed

Your grip
loses its tone
with age

But sometimes
you mustn't
let go

dark clouds hover
over my head

I can't complain
about my shelter

And that silent gasp of breath
you take in the middle of the night
when you tears render you out of breath

breaks my entire heart

but I know
you'd rather
not talk about it

I'm tired of running
after love

he's a marathon runner
and I'm a short woman
with flat feet

my back
is shaped like the curvature
of his smile
and my breathing is heavy

his back is as straight as the arrow
that pierced straight through heart

I have cuts in my thighs
one for every time he didn't
look me in the eye

sometimes I forget
why I'm running

I think love is supposed to feel like rain

and with him
it feels like a silhouette
in a dry desert

I tied my heart
into my stomach

I am done
bearing the pain
every time
it chooses
to sink

My heart was still learning how to walk again
But somehow, you taught it how to skip

Sliding on my knees
was a game I used to play
It was determined by inertia,
who would win that day

Lately,
I landed on my knees
after my thighs failed to run
away from the man
I call 'the one'

I felt myself slide
as far as never before

And although,
I was running from
the man I love;
I knew in my core:

I won

because I slid further more
than before

You shook me so roughly
only to wake me from
the fantasy I taught myself to believe;
the lies I built around me,
and positivity I trained my mind to perceive.

And now that I have awaken to reality
I must say..
Boy do I miss that slumber.

If everyone is special,
then no one is special.

It's all about
what you choose
to perceive-

Spinning wheel,
take my home
my odds
are testing my patience

Starve.

I've filled your hunger once before,

But no
Not any more

Starve.

Till your heart runs dry
Out of *love

Out of glee

Out of me...

There are moments
when habit and subconscious imprison me
in an odd-shaped place I call my past

I find myself dialing your number,
heading towards your office,
and calling your name when I come home

I find myself straightening your toothbrush,
puffing your pillow,
and telling you to turn the lights off

I find myself
looking at your empty side of the bed and thinking "oh he's up early"

I believe its called a force of habit



But my God,

Am I dreadful
of losing the force
enclosing me
in my so-called
"prison"

Dreadful
of escaping this prison

for beyond its walls,
you are no longer here

Back in the day,
there were no cellphones,
so when people made plans
they did not confirm them


Can you imagine that?
Being completely dependent on the fact that someone is showing up

Looking for them in the crowds

Praying nothing has happened to them,
Worrying

You can't communicate with them in any way.

What you can and should do is:

have faith in them; trust them

They should know: this trust once torn, cannot be stitched
and if this is not motive enough for them to come
then nothing is

No thank you.
I think I'm going to stick with having real emotions,
And not being afraid to express them freely.
You should be proud too
Because if being a girl means having the ability to feel,
then we are all girls.

A day
might come
far long
from now

And I'll be
Just
A story

trying
feels a lot
like stuttering,
and I'd rather
not speak

The lights no longer dim
The weeks no longer long
They built a building
That blocked our view

I still try to remember
What it looked like before you

On the days
You hurt me
I chose to forgive you

I still know
That was the best thing to do

When I was afraid of change
My mind would trick me
Into submission
By forgetting
My favorite quote

Speak to me about regrets
as you reassure me I'm making the right choice

Talk to me about the fragility of human beings
as you remind me how strong I am

Tell me about the human memory
as you promise you'll never forget this moment

Mutter that I'm perfect as I am
as you gently hint I should ditch my bad habits

Whisper 'forever' in my ears
as you explain that life changes despite all odds

I'm asking you to be honest

Speak the two voices in your head


Instead of sugarcoating my rocks
Please, put pebbles in my sugar

You called me sugar
but sweetened your tea with **honey

she asked her mother
"why,
does the sun set?
why,
do the lights go out?
why,
do the doors close?
and why
do people leave?"
well child,
with every sunset, comes a break of dawn.
and dark rooms is where we dream till the sun comes out.
and with every closed door, a new door awaits to be opened.
and people come and go, but we can choose to keep them within.
as for me, i will be here, right here, till the end.

I saw butterflies today
they were beautiful

I spread my arms wide
like in cliche stock images
and welcomed
any sunshine

Maybe if you wipe the tears
From your eyes
You'll see the beauty of years
unravel and arise.

And maybe,
If you wipe the tears from your eyes
You'll come to realize
Why you never wanted to visualize
The agony that underlies--
them

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place
Your heart is so broken, that it barely left a recognizable trace

You're sharing meaningless stares with strangers
You're pondering straight through future dangers

You're so exhausted, that your legs have forgotten the feeling
of being stretched in bed, while you're staring at the ceiling

At that moment- you understand why
the call it: the art of getting by

Cuddled on a piece of ripped card board box
Bruised shins, ripped socks

Reeking with lack of love
A piece of neglected art

The sharp things below
are all your little feet may ever know

I wonder whats sadder,
your misty gaze into empty space,
or how common this is to the human race

You are not invisible, little boy,
but we are blind

and the biggest fool of all
is the one who left you behind

to collect
but you are worth more than this cold neglect

I don't need to know your story, honey
to know that you are worth more than pocket money

If only I can give you love
for that is all I can never run out of

but love never cured the sick
a hug never filled an empty stomach

so for now, here's a sandwich.

I told you I love winter,
and you thought that will change
when the cold numbs my feet
but it didn't

I told you I love vacations
and you thought that will change
when long vacations leave me unproductive
but it didn't

I told you I love you
and you thought that will change
when you break my heart
but it didn't

Loving you was like loving winter
a constant in my equation

and although I was never really great at math
I learned how to make a system of two equations

you are not a constant in my life's equation

**but you are a constant in my heart's equation

It's one of those times again,
when I wonder what happened

and it's one of those times
when I remember and go back
trying to figure out
the crack

I might be justifying,
wrongly here.
and this poem
might all be based
on wrong perception.
It might all be-
just a logical assumption,
I have come up with
in the middle of the night
to help myself
sleep

But

It was both of our faults,
mostly mine

I guess we tried to change each other
until we no longer knew
what we loved in
one another

we were so indecisive of
what we wanted
each other to be

and perhaps all the love in the world
couldn't erase
the repressed feelings we had
of being forced to change

I hope you understand.

'He spoke about his scars with uncertainty'
I looked at them with admiration

'He said
He had
Cigarettes
Put out
On his back'

Oh how many tears
have been stuck in your lacrimal sac?
and how many infarcts
are in your lungs?

How many cells of yours
are apoptotic?

And how tired
is your heart
from pumping
blood
to your scars,
in hopes
that there would be tissue to feed
and skin to color...?

...in hopes
that in some way
you have gotten back
to normal?


little does your heart know
you're better than normal
you're special
you're delightful,

"I love you"

Hey you, poor little fella
trapped in the "friend zone"

I'll tell you something I bet you didn't know
Don't think for a second that she's clueless about your hidden love for her

she knows
girls always know

they're just good at not letting it show
And don't take it as an offense

the only reason she locked you in the zone
is because deep down she knows that boyfriends come and go

And she wants you to *stay

And as you held your bags
preparing to leave,

I felt pain

the kind of pain you feel
when a terrible bruise starts to fade away
when you know the worst has passed

don't you get it?
you were my bruise

and despite the pain I felt
I am truly glad you left

If you keep wanting what you don't have,
*you'll never have what you want

You can't travel between
the lines of the book
or the clouds of the sky

Put your feet on the path
that leads you where you want to go
and dear, don't land, you have to fly

On a cold Saturday, he smiles at me in the middle of our conversation and says: "Remember how different we each were two years ago? We've come such a long way."
I smile at him and reply: "My God, we really have."


Four years later
and this conversation still replays in my head
I think my subconscious
was hoping that replaying it
would eventually make my conscious understand

... Would eventually make me understand

How did we come a long way?

How did we get this far?

We were walking in opposite directions.