One after another
One step after the other

They walked from life
In strides of anguish
With steps of pain

They hid from us
The horrors within
Their secret wish

One after another
One step after the other

They ran from life
With a bottle of pills
With a gun to the head

Six months ago
Dressed in red
She was finally free

Three days ago
Clad in blue
He was finally at peace

I can’t look myself in the eye
I can’t gaze upon my face
Reflections are my enemy
Pictures are my fear
Poisoned by standards
Intoxicated by privacy

I stand here wondering
I stand here asking
Will I ever be unmasked?

Mask my face
Mask my name
Mask my home
Mask up
Don’t forget it
Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Break a mirror
Punch a wall
I don’t want to see
I don’t want to know

Red wine
Rainy day
Stay inside
Stay away

Don’t leave and you’ll be okay

In pink she skips through the grass
She laughs at the butterflies
She basks in the warm sunshine

In white she soars through the sky
She jumps with the summer sun
She runs with the winter winds

In black she walks through the dark
She cries with the midnight moon
She screams at the stars above

In red she rests in our hearts
She sits among the flowers
She stands among the mourning

If only you could see us
Together again for you
All of us in black and red

If only we could show you
How many people love you
All the lives you’ve touched and changed

If only I could call you
Tell you how much I miss you
Tell you how much I love you

You didn’t have to leave us
You didn’t have to do it
You didn’t have to give up

I’m begging you to come back
I’m begging you to stay here
I’m begging you to live

I’m sorry for all the pain
I’m sorry for all the loss
You deserved to have better

Living was hard, I know it was
I’m so proud of you for trying
I can’t wait to see you again


“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.” -For Good, Wicked

Livin’ and breathin’ is all that I got
Take a deep breath got my stomach in knots
Can’t tie me down, no you can’t enslave me
Hopin’ someone will come out and save me
Fear and depression are clouding my head
I’m closing my eyes, I think that I’m dead
Fighting for sanity, fighting to lose
Fighting for the chance that I get to choose

Running from something I can’t recall
Too many steps and I’m gonna fall
The buildings edge is right in my sight
One little leap and I can take flight
Lost in the sounds and lost in the pain
Know what I’ve done’s been done in vain

I’m haunted by the past of me
A ghost of who I used to be 
Their mistakes are all that I can see

I’m running, I’m running

I hate the scars along skin
A memory of where I’ve been
They’re white lined trails of my darkest sin

I’m running, Im running

Screaming and crying filling my ears
Covered in burns from venomous tears
Im breaking mirrors, I’m screaming in pain
Can’t go on living, theres nothing to gain
Losing myself in the ruts of my days
Breathin’ in smoke with eyes blurred by the haze
Once a week poison killin’ me slowly
Devil on my back, they call me unholy

No where to go, got hounds on my trail
Begging that somehow I will prevail
Imagine a life where I can rest
Instead I’ve got this weight on my chest
Got these voices, they callin’ my name
No one around me, no one to blame

I’m haunted by the past of me
A ghost of who I used to be
Their mistakes are all that I can see

I’m running, I’m running

I hate the scars along skin
A memory of where I’ve been
They’re white lined trails of my darkest sin

I’m running, Im running

I can’t do anything right
I can’t do anything outside
I can’t leave
The voices in my head are screaming
Cover your face, don’t let them see
Cover your face, hide what you are
Mask up, keep it on
Paranoid about my privacy

Days on weeks
On months
On years
Hiding away from the world
They’re always asking
They’re always wondering
They want to know
They speculate

Anxiety attacks
Hands shake
Breath halters
Heart thumps

Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Hide away hide away hide away

Don’t show them what you really are

Anxiety
Insecurity
Self hatred
Fueled by staying inside
By never seeing people
By wearing a mask

Full face
Half face
No face
Hide behind the cloth
The screen
The walls

Privacy
Intimacy
Fear
Leave me anonymous
Unseen
Invisible

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost years ago
To the cancer in her body
Her ashes spread in the sea
Resting where she loved

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost way too young
The water too deep for her
Stuffed animals on the alter
Two years wasn’t enough

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

He was lost last week
When he fell too far
Only eighteen years
Sister said “see you soon”

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost long ago
Her heart beat blocked
A daughter, a sister, a niece
Just SMiLe, you’ll be okay

I’m tired of people dying

I pledge allegiance
To the discourse
Of the divided states of mind
And to the guns
For which they hold
One crowd
Under fire
Inescapable
With funerals and bullets
For all

Summer after our senior year
The best days of our lives
The best parties
The best dreams
The best memories

It was supposed to be
The best days of our lives

Not enough was done
Not enough was said
Not enough was together

Together
Together we’ve laughed
Together we’ve hugged
Together we’ve dreamed
Together we’ve believed
Together we’ve loved

Together doesn’t last forever

The best days of our lives
Were spent apart

The best days of our lives
Were spent away

The best days of our lives
Are gone

These were supposed to be
The best days of our lives

Leave me alone
I screamed it into the night

Leave me alone
I cried it into my pillows

Leave me alone
I begged it into the dark

Leave me alone

So they did

They left me alone

“We don’t remember days, we remember moments.”

I remember four boys
willing to take in a lost kid.
I remember meeting him
in the middle of a winter night.
I remember meeting him
when we got lost among the rocks.
I remember meeting him
in an island bakery.
I remember meeting him
when I tripped into his life.

I remember that first gathering,
how awkward and nervous I was.
I remember not wanting to speak
for fear of ruining everything.
I remember mad libs in the dark,
how I never knew my turn.
I remember telling them my age,
for I am but a child in this world.
I remember talks under the stars,
how we were never tired yet.

I remember hearing his voice
and being surprised by him.
I remember adventures in the trees,
learning what it means to be mortal.
I remember learning his language
and completely butchering it.
I remember keeping him up,
how he claimed to never be tired.
I remember the sound of his voice
and the color of his eyes.

I remember his unique accent
and how mesmerized I was.
I remember the forbidden mine
that echoed with our laughter.
I remember the stories he told
and the memories he shared.
I remember hearing his dream,
how he wants to change the world.
I remember the way he spoke
and the hope he gave me.

I remember being nervous around him
and not wanting to mess up.
I remember when he called me friend,
how happy and proud I felt.
I remember his bad jokes
and the chaos he caused.
I remember his description of me,
how beautifully he thought of me.
I remember the strength in his words
and the safety I felt in them.

I remember how he stumbled
and how embarrassed he was.
I remember complimenting him,
how flushed his cheeks got.
I remember his infectious laugh
and the brilliant smile that joined it.
I remember how he treated everyone,
how he made all of them feel loved.
I remember seeing the universe in his eyes
and finally feeling free.

I remember hearing his voice
and how it shook with fear.
I remember his unique accent
and how choked up it was.
I remember him being nervous
and not wanting to slip up.
I remember how he stumbled
and how terrified he was.

I remember my skin
and all the blood it let.
I remember the pain,
how I went numb.
I remember the tears
and how they stung.
I remember my breaths
and my struggling lungs.
I remember it wasn’t enough,
that there had to be more.

I remembered my boys.

I remembered their fear filled eyes.
I remembered their tear-stained cheeks.
I remembered their hitching breaths.
I remembered their shaking voices.
I remembered their worrying hands.

I remembered.

I remembered
I needed them.

I remembered
They needed me.

I remembered my family.

I remembered
I couldn’t leave them.

I remembered to live.

A down trodden path.

A rainy night.

Muddy boots.

****** hands.

Marching on.

And on.

And on.

Tear stained cheeks.

Eyes filled with terror.

Hopeless,

Lonely,

Broken,

and

Defeated.

Bad days come and go
they weigh me down
they're heavy on my chest
they're a strain on my breath

Bad days come and go
they tire me out
they're a fog I can't clear
they're the blur in my eyes

Bad days come and go
they wear me down
they're cuts against my skin
they're the weariness in my bones

Bad days come and go
they come and go
they come and never go

It's just another bad day

Right?

Behind my smile
I'm sadder than I seem,
I'm more lost than I appear.

Behind my smile
I'm at war with myself,
I'm trapped in my own mind.

Behind my smile
I'm struggling,
I'm in pain.

Behind my smile
I'm overrun with thoughts,
I'm void of emotions.

Behind my smile
I can't go on,
I can't bear it.

Can't anyone see?
Why does no one ask
What's behind my smile.

In my last days
No goodbyes will be spoke
No sadness will be felt

In my last days
I will be numb
I will smile all the same

In my last days
Nothing will matter
Nothing will seem real

In my last days
No one will know
No one will stop me

On my last day
I will write a letter
I will load a gun

On my last day
There won't be tears
There won't be regret

I will be free
On my last day

Things are always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight my demons emerge
At midnight my thoughts race
At midnight I remember

I remember I'm useless
I remember I'm unloved
I remember I'm unwanted

Things always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight I can't sleep
At midnight I can't breathe
At midnight I can't feel

My eyes are filled with tear
My skin is covered in cuts
My bathtub is stained in blood

Things are never okay
Until midnight rolls around

I am a single boat
Drifting in an endless sea

My words fuel a fire
Embers glowing bright

My steps stir the ash
Sending clouds into the sky

My lungs breathe the smoke
Dark and heavy

My eyes follow the sparks
Jumping and flying

My body feels the heat
Burning in my chest

My brain is melting away
My feelings lost in smoke
My thoughts burning away

My life is in flames
I am burnt out

What do I do
when the one I love is so lost
when he is so distant

What do I do
when he is in pain
when everything hurts

What do I do
when everything goes dark
when everything stops

What do I do?

I'm devoid of all emotion
I'm just empty

I smile
I laugh
I joke

None of it meets my eyes

I draw
I sing
I dance

None of it is fun

I sleep
I eat
I shower

None of it seems needed

I hurt
I cry
I cut

None of it seems bad

I'm devoid of all emotion
I'm just empty

You'll never hear me say
That I want to hurt myself
That cuts line my skin

You'll never hear me say
That I have dark thoughts
That I am sick

You'll never hear me say
That I imagine my funeral
That I dream of it

You'll never hear me say
That I know how to tie a noose
That I've done it before

You'll never hear me say
That I've picked the date
That I have it planned

You'll never hear me say
That I'm afraid of myself
That I don't know what I'll do

You'll never hear me say
That I need help

He was the warrior king.
He was known for being strong.
He was Mogar.

Shallow breaths passed through his lips.
Hot tears rolled down his cheeks.

Arms wrapped tightly around him.
Knees pulled close to his chest.

He tried to hold himself together.

How did he get here?

Unable to laugh or smile.
Unmotivated and unfocused.
Unable to sleep or eat.

An empty shell.

Devoid of all emotion but one:

Shame

He was ashamed.
Ashamed he couldn't push through.
Ashamed he wasn’t strong enough.
Ashamed that he was broken

He was the warrior king.

I live in my head
In another world
                               A world full of magic
                               Full of mystery
                               Full of adventure
                                                               A world with kings
                                                               Good and bad
                                                               Courageous and cowardly
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world with friends
                              A tight knit group
                              A family to lean on
                                                                 A world of happiness
                                                                 With laughter
                                                                 With inside jokes
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world of love
                              With comradery
                              With protection
                                                           A world I never want to leave
                                                           It's everything I ever wanted
                                                           It's everything I ever needed
I live in another world
That has become my home

It's never dark enough.
Light slips through the window
From the street lights and the stars.

It's never quiet enough.
Sound pushes through the walls
From the roads and the houses.

It's never warm enough.
Cold seeps through the blankets
From the wind and the fear.

It's never lonely enough.
Voices whisper through the dark
From the shadows and the corners.

It's never enough.
I'm awake through the night
From sundown to sunrise.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

My birthday approaches like a train
I am stuck on the tracks of time

Nothing comes with being seventeen

College applications pile like snow
An avalanche waiting to bury me

Nothing comes with being seventeen

Adulthood looms like dark clouds
Ready to pick me up into the storm

Nothing comes with being seventeen

When his eyes lit up
They glowed amber
Out shining the stars in the sky

When his lips laughed
They vocalized a melody
Harmonizing with the universe

When his smile beamed
It radiated happiness
Dazzling even the sun above

I should have noticed

When his eyes dimmed
They flickered chocolate
Barely a candle in the dark

When his lips quieted
They whispered noise
Barely murmurs in the silence

When his smile dulled
It reflected joy
Barley a stone among gems

I should have known
When his eyes went dark

I should have known
When his lips went silent

I should have known
When his smile went cold

I should have known

I should have known

I should have known...

Their words pushed me into the water
They became waves stealing my breath
They turned to brinks around my wrists
     Pulling me
     Down
     Down
     Down
“It’s easy to swim” they said
They moved easily through the water
“You just need to try a little harder”
     I sank
     Down
     Down
     Down
My lips parted allowing the air to escape
Cold water rushed into my lungs
I gasped searching for any amount of relief
     I fell
     Down
     Down
     Down
I felt the ocean floor against my feet
Fine sand floated around me in a haze
The darkness enveloped me in a cold embrace
     I accepted the end
     I drowned
     Drowned
     Drowned...

One
Two
Three
Four

One means hope
Thinned hair
Nausea

One
Two
Three
Four

Two frays your nerves
Bald heads
Tired limbs

One
Two
Three
Four

Three brings pain
Chemo filled veins
Faltering hearts

One
Two
Three
Four

Four is the end
Fills you up
Destroys you

One
Two
Three
Four

“Life is a precious thing. I've learned that in my time on this earth.”
Life is a precious thing. I’ve learned that in my time on this earth.

“15 whole years of being a speck in oblivion.”
Seventeen years of being a speck in oblivion.

“I'm crying as I speak these words. I wish I could have made a mark on this world.”
This time I’m not crying as I write this. I see that I don’t need to make my mark.

“You know...... Just one thing to be remembered by. God this is so fault in our stars.”
I don’t need to be remembered widely. Living in a few hearts is all I need.

“I'm not ready for this. Three weeks to do what? Sit here and rot away?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but everyday is a gift to live and enjoy.

“Sleep and say goodbye to everyone I care about. This isn't how life should work.”
Goodbyes will never get easier but they’re never forever and that’s how life should work.

“You're supposed to grow old with the man of your dreams and tell stories to your grandkids.”
I’m going to grow old with the love of my life and recall my glory days with them.

“To get married and run off with cans on the back of your car.”
I’m going to get married in an old church and drive off in a classic car.

“I haven't even gotten to go to prom and dance with the guy I like.”
Prom this past year was amazing. I’ve never felt more loved than dancing in his arms.

“Because I don't care what people think. I want to go to college and stress out about school and homework and tests.”
I could care less what people think. I’m going off to college next year. I’m stressed about applications, and homework, and papers.

“That’s what teenagers do. They don't have to worry about how long their going to live and if their best friend will come and say goodbye.”
That’s just what teenagers do. I’m lucky that I no longer have to worry about how long I’m going to live.

“They have two arms and two legs. They do sports and hang in groups.”
I’m missing one of my legs. I run track and play basketball. I see my friends most every weekend.

“They go to the mall and the skate park. They don't have to care about anything, but I can't help but care because I can't stand see someone suffer the way I have.”
We hang out at the mall and each others’ houses. We all care about something, we’ve all felt pain, and we all don’t want another to feel the pain we’ve had.

“I know things could be worse, but they could be better too.”
Things could always be worse, but they don’t get better than this.

The was stage set
The curtain was drawn

I took long slow steps
At center stage I stopped

The mic before me sat a silhouette
Against the blinding lights

My lips parted to speak
Silence
I spoke the words I know so well
Silence

Was my speech falling on deaf ears?

My voice rose
Silence
I leaned close to the mic
Silence

I screamed at the top of my lungs
Until my throat was raw

I stood in the center of the stage
Silent
No matter what I said
No matter how loud I was
No one was listening

I wanted to tell them
About the sadness drowning me
About the hate burning in my heart
About how hopeless I felt

I sat in the center of the stage
Silent

The stage was empty
The curtains were closed

The snow began to melt when I was told to just SMiLe
The clouds turned gray when tongues around me began to curse
The doves flew from view when hate turned to cuts on my skin
The lamb disappeared when my father left and I laughed
The daisies wilted when my church preached that I'd be going to hell

The soggy ground became normal when I starved for beauty
Storms rolled in when I had my heart broken
The crows circled when pain turned to a rope around my neck
The wolves snarled when he wanted it and I couldn't form the word no
The thorns grew in when alcohol became my escape

The last of my innocence
It's a sliver of a moon in a starless sky
I fear the day I'm consumed by it and lose my way

Beyond my faded skin is more than you can see
Beyond my glassy eyes is more than you can know
Beyond my broken frame is more than you can understand

You don't look beyond
You think you know
You don't really understand

All you see is my crumbling skin
All you know are my foggy eyes
All you understand are my collapsing bones

You don't take the time to look beyond

Stress
Eating at my stomach
An acid dripping through my chest
Burning in my blood
Searing in my skin

Frustration
Clogging my lungs
A hand clenching my heart
Freezing my limbs
Blocking my thoughts

Doubt
Fogging my thoughts
A weight pushing on my chest
Crushing my heart
Choking my lungs

Anxiety
Racing hot in my blood
A bear trap around my ribs
Compressing my organs
Stopping my breath

Exhaustion
Weighing down my thoughts
A sharp pain in the back of my eyes
Pulling at my eyelids
Dragging my limbs

Helplessness
Tugging at my heart
A black hole pulling away my spirit
A void in my chest
A cavern in my stomach

Anguish
Sawing at my veins
A dull knife stabbing my chest
Cutting at my stomach
Rusting my veins

I can’t escape them
They follow me like the stench of my wrongs
My fears like flies swirling around me
Learn how to rid of the smell
And you will rid of the flies

Disappointment

I see it in my mother’s eyes
I hear it in her voice
I feel it in the air
The tension is painful
It’s sharp like needles against my skin

Her words hit me like broken glass
“Can’t” “Don’t” “Wouldn’t”

“Why”
     It stings
“Why”
     It seeps into my skin
“Why”
     It creeps through my veins

How does a mother’s disappointment explain why?

Why?
     My brain was asleep
Why?
     I was on autopilot
Why?
     My head was full of fog
Why?
     I wasn’t in control

Disappointment.

I am everyone’s greatest.

I was born in a house
All I ever needed was a home

I just want to go home
To a place where I won't hurt
A place I feel safe
A place I want to be

How do you go home
when all you have is a house?

It starts in my chest and grows
like a parasite it eats at me
It feeds on my insecurities
It weighs me down

It runs through my veins and spreads
like a virus it breaks me down
It drains me of energy
It slows me down

Its destroying me

By the time I was your age
I'd give anything
to fall in love truly was all i could think
that's when i met your mother
the girl of my dreams
the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen

She said, "boy can i tell you a wonderful thing?"
I cant help but notice you staring at me
I know i shouldn't say this
But, i really believe i can tell by your eyes
That you're in love with me

Now, son I'm only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things

Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink
We'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything
Too young to notice and too dumb to care
But, love was a story that couldnt compare

I said, "girl can i tell you a wonderful thing?"
I made you a present with paper and string
Open with care now im asking you please
You know that i love you, will you marry me

Now son, im only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things

Youll learn one day ill hope and ill pray
That god shows you differently

She said boy can i tell you a terrible thing
Seems that im sick and ive only got weeks
Please dont be sad now, i really believe
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me

Slow, so slow
I fell to the ground on my knees

Don't fall in love
It's just too much to lose
if given the choice
Then I'm begging you to choose
To walk away, walk away
Dont let her get you
I cant bare to see the same
Happen to you

Now, son im only telling you this
Cause, life can do terrible things

I want to live, not just survive

-Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab

Blurred images
Hazy edged pictures
Images with burn holes 
Things to see behind
Clouds of lingering sleep
This is the first time in awhile
I've actually felt okay
The world is still moving to fast 
And me too slow
But my mind has a window
So I can see and hear 
Though my throat still 
Struggles for sounds
My hands form letters
That form words
That form phrases
My thoughts on pages 
My feelings on paper 
My soul wrapped into words
That will never be spoken 

These are my own words written by someone else, hope you guys enjoy my first poem in a while, things are actually improving. If im lucky i'll survive -Andy

Your eyes they flutter
Like butterfly wings
When closed they blend
To the same tan as their background
But,
When opened
They shine a brilliant blue
And throw me off

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we
can see

There's the girl you called a **** for being pregnant
There's the boy you made fun of for crying
There's the girl you shoved in the halls
The boy you called lame
The boy you beat up for kissing another boy

Behind tinted windows we all have battle that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

She was *****
His mother is dying
She's already being abused at home
He has to work nights to support his family
That's his only reason to live

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

Her sweatpants and hoody provoked him
Cancer is a *****
Her father is a drunk
His father is in a wheelchair and can't work
His family told him they'd rather him dead than gay

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
It's only what's deep inside we can't see

Hey you're more than pretty. You're gorgeous. You're eyes sparkle brighter than any star. Your smile beats the moon. Your hair is so much fun to play with. Remember not to starve, purge, cut, tear, stab, poke, burn, scratch. There's no need too. I don't need to see your face to know your beautiful. I don't care what the mirror says. You deserve to know the ugly truth. You will always be beautiful and there's nothing you can say or do to change that.

Like the end feel the smoke
White to yellow runs out
Light another, a whole pack
Feel the smoke

The stars lean down to kiss you and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. The silence isn't so bad until I look at my hands and feel sad. 'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

Stars blink
Once
Twice
Three times
They seen to say
You'll see another day

The sun rises for me
It sets for you
I've started another empty day without you
You ended a great one without me
I'm struggling through it
You sleep soundly
I can feel the pain
You sink into dreams
I'm lost without you
You couldn't be more found without me

White walls
White beds
White floors

White sheets
White tiles
White gowns

White faces
White eyes
White lights