A floral mat
Separates me from
The tile floor
I feel anxious despite the peace
The instructor speaks
My heart stops
Because I know
The chest binder can’t hold
Through another downward-facing dog
you shouldn’t really wear a binder when doing yoga but i would rather not exercise that do it without a binder
The weight on my chest
A distinctive sign
From the other men in the room
Stitched into this sac of skin at birth.
That fused to your bones
Fabricating a narcotic seamless facade
We pluck at the seams, with crude claws.
Laboring to unravel the lace seams
Whirling, flickering, suffocating nausea aimed at
Misuse of our pronouns of
Our echoing repulsive abnormal figure.
Funding a doctor to shed our skin.
Mutilating skin and bone to perfection.
It starts in my chest and grows
like a parasite it eats at me
It feeds on my insecurities
It weighs me down
It runs through my veins and spreads
like a virus it breaks me down
It drains me of energy
It slows me down
Its destroying me
Born, I was Kaylynn. And I hated that.
I despised it so I got a new name, but this one just keeps sticking to me.
Nicknamed at two years old, I was Boogaree. I liked it for a while.
Given by my autistic older brother for my peekaboo skills
It was written on birthday cakes as a term of affection.
But death and destruction have wrecked my life since
Now the name brings bad memories
Makes me cringe.
So, I changed it again.
I chose any name I could.
Kayla, Kay, Kitty, Kimmy, even heather.
I ran from my birth name and my past.
Just like masks, though, they soon wore off.
People could see into the cracks of this facade.
I stumbled apon Jason.
A boys name?
I couldn't take that.
It would be unacceptable, aren't I a girl?
So I struggled for a bit with my gender identity.
I figured it out.
I came out.
But the closest person to me ran.
My brother added the Y and with my moms approval I was Jayson
But I feel like I rushed into this name
Can you rush a name?
Its been almost a year
Can I change one last time?
I just want to be me.
But being myself is the hardest thing I'll ever do.
So I'll test out this new name. I found it when I wasn't looking and it has stuck
Maybe I'll give it a test run?
But I'm afraid of the retaliation.
This is just a short poem/story about some of my nick names. I was rambling it off at almost 6am after an all nighter. I'm sure its crap. Maybe I'll edit it when I wake up tomorrow.
— The End —