my greatest fear

reveals itself to be

something happening

and you never missing me

im so beyond done with you

so why do you keep bothering me

im so much happier with someone else

does it bother you?

god i hope so

as the sun rises slowly
it illuminates your eyes
you take my hand
you pull me in
our lips brush
hair tousled
by an early morning breeze

you are beautiful
perfect
i am obsessed

i write lots of poems
                          most mediocre
whatever is inside my head
                                    flows through my fingers
into the keyboard
                      i spill my thoughts into the world
for others to see
                its amazing really
and beautiful
              to experience everyone
                        
                               ­            through their poetry

please stop
im done
i dont want to hear it
i dont care about the excuses

i did my part
i said sorry

i dont want to hear about why you cant

i almost had a midlife crisis and dyed my hair a soft baby pink

it woulda been pretty

pair it with a tattoo under my eye

a broken heart on one side

a sparkling star on the other

but then i thought to myself, it’s not exactly a midlife crisis if i’m only 16

more of a quarter life crisis

not nearly as dramatic

so i settled for painting my nails pink instead

and as we ran through the shallows
i found myself smiling
the water lapping my ankles
as i watched your blonde hair fly like a sail
the sun glinting in your eyes
the promise of summer around the corner
i missed you

i hate that i miss you
i hate it so much
i hate myself for getting so attached
i hate my heart for skipping a beat when i see you
i hate my stomach for dropping when i hear your voice
i hate my body for craving yours
i hate my mind for imagining the way you looked at me
i hate my eyes for tearing up in the middle of the night

i hate everything about me
as much as i loved everything about you

he was here last night
in my bed
his chest rising and falling against my back

our heartbeats in sync
skin warm

it felt so wrong

he isnt you

he is no one

from what i understand,
some of you are sad
very sad.
some are mad,
broken,
beaten down by life
who wields a baseball bat
with nails sticking out at funny angles

from your sorrow comes beauty
the words you write
so moving

you're all too talented to quit.

so stick around

you never know when things might get better

please save yourself for another day

everything
               about
                       you
              makes
                       me
                  feel
                

                              iridescent

poets are the most fascinating of creatures
coming in so many stunning varieties
lyrical flowing words
hard arresting phrases


you are all creators of such intense beauty

please
please stop

i’d really appreciate it

you’re hurting me
i don’t like it

please stop

i thought she was beautiful
every tiny detail was wonderful

maybe a bit too beautiful
and maybe i noticed a bit too much

(im sorry. ill send her a message)
(and let her know how u feel)

                                                                                                  [oh. u guys still]
                                                                                                                  [talk?]
(i sent it)
(<3)
(i miss u)
                                                                                                                    [...]

i hate spanish

thats all

thanks

you left me

don't you dare get after me
because i'm doing what i please
with whom i please

i am not yours anymore
don't act like i am

especially

after you gave me up

clothes thrown into a heap
sitting on the bag to drag the zipper around
that midnight excitement
like a child on christmas
phone ringing
friends asking if they need this and that

wednesday night

the adventure begins

The Perfect Child™

i ain't got time for their *******

you keep me up at night love
thinking of our future
and how wild the odds are
that i found you

something that scares me
is that so many people feel like i do

things are looking up
things are getting brighter
things are getting warmer

hope is not only an idea
it is active
it is optimistic
it is stunning
it is eyeopening
it is life changing

self improvement starts small
baby steps every day
self love isn't self centered
self care isn't selfish
self image isn't vain

my heart has been opened
my mind has been cleared
i am starting to understand
happiness is beautiful
and it is real for everyone

i'm sorry i am not enough

you don't even have to say it

you even deny it

we both know you're lying

i'm not trying to be a disappointment

everything i do is to make you see me as something better

i'm doing my best

cant you see that

i'm tearing myself limb from limb to please you

you should love me as i am

after all

you raised me

so i'll sit and watch
as you stay with someone else
someone you don't even want

and all that time you wasted
i spent wanting you

detached
so detached

everything in my life seems detached.
my own dad fakes a father daughter relationship for the good of the show so people don't ask questions. out in public hes a saint. at home hes a monster. at home he yells and breaks things and points out everything i'm doing wrong.

my ex boyfriend and first love, who i dated for a year is trying to talk to me again and part of me wants to let him but i honestly don't know what to do. we've been apart for 5 months and i've tried to move on with other people and be with other people and i've looked around and had a few little crushes but as soon as they show me attention back my stomach feels like physically sick. is that normal? i don't even know. i'm just scared no one will ever make me feel the same, and if hes the only one that makes me feel as happy as i was, do i really want to spend time with him? we broke up because he started hitting on my best friend, and then as soon as we broke up, my "best friend" stopped talking to me and spread a bunch of rumors. i want us to happen again but honestly i don't know what to do and i'm just a little worried. what if he hurts me again? then what?

school ***** and i've stopped caring because its so close to the end of the year and i feel like i should care more but i physically cannot. like i need to care because of finals but i have no motivation and i just get ****** into snapchat and then boom 3 hours gone. plus i need a job and if i don't get certified for life guarding i have no job. certification is next week but what if i cant do it? i've been on swim team since i was 7. i'm strong. it should be fine. but like, my anxiety is a beast and tells me i cannot do this thing.

because of all this stress i havent been sleeping, and ive eaten two meals in the last three days. but its okay. everything is going to be fine eventually. its just not right now and that *****.

apple blossoms float
through the air like pixies
the sun shimmers on her skin
like a precious metal
each freckle dotting her cheek and nose
like a new penny

water swirling in the creek
crystal clear cold
burbling merrily
through the stones
and leaves

her smile blinking in the sun
his hand
warm and tan cupped around hers
pressing his lips to her wrist

it seems i am losing people

left
                                                           and
                                                                                                                   right

i long for the sun
warming me to my bones
smiling
freckles
tan lines
cool water
windows down
music too loud
late nights
soft breeze
late sunsets
early sunrises
no more of this chill
i cannot seem to shake from my soul

and just like that

we are over

nearly a year

gone

i will love you
for longer then i should

we both agreed
this was for the best

we are stuck in quicksand
trying to hold each other up
the most you lift the other
the more you sink

one day
we will be in a better place
and we will stand strong
we will stand together

how did i get to this point
where i cant get out of bed
my eyes look so empty
deep lifeless pits
my body aches
with the pain of being alive

i don't understand
is it chemicals in my brain
scrambled into the wrong combinations
is it something i did
if it was
i cant remember

i'm not gonna last long

the good weeks and the bad ones
they flow like a current
sometimes your temper is choppy
drowning me
beating me
against rocks and sand

other times it is gentle
and pulls me lovingly out to sea
i think i can trust the waters
i feel safe

and soon after
i am thrown against the cliffs
again

how much longer
till i am dragged below the surface
by a fierce whirlpool
sunk against the bottom
breath gone
eyes blurry
never to be seen again