how did i get to this point
where i cant get out of bed
my eyes look so empty
deep lifeless pits
my body aches
with the pain of being alive

i don't understand
is it chemicals in my brain
scrambled into the wrong combinations
is it something i did
if it was
i cant remember

i'm not gonna last long

my eyelashes flutter
like delicate butterflies wings
my head is on your shoulder
curled into you
my hand cupped
over your heart
feeling the steady rhythm
lull me into a peaceful slumber
i feel safe
you are my home

i had no idea this would happen and now i'm staring at the wall in a stupor unable to comprehend anything going through my brain because i shouldn't care but i do and i know you need someone but you wont let me help so i'm just confused and i'm so lost and so sorry

“i’m not sure how long it’s going to last though. we tried to fix things but she’s being so distant recently”

i nod my head

inside that head i’m begging things to fall apart so i can have you

you have no empathy
yet you claim to have my best interests in mind

you go through my things
yet you claim to trust me

you call me a disappointment
yet you tell everyone how proud you are of my achievements

you micromanage every move
yet you tell me i have a choice

it really makes me wonder
if im really the liar

im a
rowdy
unforgiving
loud
angst filled teen

i'm going to do whatever i want
sounds awful
but

sorry dad
love you mom

you love me less and less each day
hopefully
once i've come home from a party
smelling like *****
and a boys cologne
it will be enough for you to give up on me

i had you for a few days

a few golden days

but then you went to a party, you got wasted, you ****** your ex

and now she isn't your ex anymore

as depression left
anxiety moved in

its almost as if my brain
is renting itself out to various diseases

one is evicted
another pays its way in

and you have me strung up again
wrapped around me like a snake
whispering lies in my ears

"you cant leave me"
                                "I'll hurt myself"
"you're the only one i can talk to"
                                                     "i'm alone and everyone wants me dead"

i have to leave
i have to get out

i must maintain myself
i must maintain composure

for your attitude is toxic
contagious
i can feel myself spiraling

i've got to spread my own wings and drift to safety
i'm done trying to wrench yours open to save you
especially when you have them so firmly shut

i arrived just in time to watch you follow her into another room

i left just in time to watch the police turn into the neighborhood

i almost called you to warn you

but i realized that if you don't respect me

why should i do anything less for you

something has happened

it is plain to see

i wont forget you

and you will never forget me

to the guy
eating a burrito
on the plane behind me

stop

it smells weird

i understand the long term affects of my actions.
i may not be an adult,
but i am old enough to understand.

someone chain me down
so i don't float away

someone hold me gently
to remind me i'm not alone

someone take me away from here
teach me to love again

i just looked back on a poem i wrote october 2019 about how i thought a girl was "too pretty"

well ive come to realize i am a raging bisexual, so yeah! character development.

anxiety
smoking in the bathroom
falling asleep in class
social hierarchy
sleepless nights
baggy eyes
empty souls
battered and bruised
knives to wrists
hidden by sweaters
hidden by bracelets
seasonal depression
cold rooms
numb
C+
D-

i haven't checked on this site in a while
how is everyone?
what have i missed?

i almost forgot about this small community
of beautiful people

im never right.
i cant have an opinion.
im just a stupid kid.
no one hears
anything i have to say.

i am the future generation.
start listening.

it brings me such pain to see love poems written to someone who didn't love me.
the words i poured out over this boy who would cheat on me, and pick at my emotions.
it makes me almost uncomfortable.
i want to go back to comfort my past self.
i want to wrap my arms around her and tell her its okay, and that he isn't the one.

but,
the universe has its ways.
through a cheating liar, i met someone new.
hes quiet and sweet, with a warm smile and dark eyes.
he cares, he is kind.
he understands and shares my dreams and interests.
he is supportive and loving.
i just hope i don't have to look back on him with anger and regret.

i have nothing to say

i have no words for you

my emotions

slim to none

i cant tell if my heart is still beating

i cant tell you who looks back at me in the mirror

what creature stares at me

with gaping holes for eyes

ive decided this is my official coming back.

i missed all of you.

im currently quarantined with my extremely toxic family and its a struggle to stay sane and mentally healthy.

i need somewhere to vent and somewhere to feel the support of others and in that process i want to support all of you and read your poems and gain knowledge about your experiences.

thank you for being such a lovely little community, and a safe haven for people wanting to put their work out into the world.

hp isnt letting me post and ive just about live laugh lost my marbles

the inside of my head is either swirling
swirling with sharp
dark thoughts that pick at my soul
like vultures

or its empty
like a wasteland
covered in skeletons

i honestly don't know which is better at this point.
i just want to make it out alive.
i want to escape myself

have you ever gotten to the point
where you'll do anything
just to feel

pills
blades
smoke
matches
liquor

you really don't give a ****
what happens to you

as long as it brings your body and mind
your soul and bones
to the realization
that you really are
alive

Depression is often hard to describe.
It is like...
I am sitting in a pit.
It is dark.
Sticky.
Like someone dumped hot tar,
right into my head.

Like someone tied my hands behind my back and asked me to play the piano.
Like someone blindfolded me and then asked me to take an eye test
Like someone broke my legs and then asked me to run a marathon.

There's glimmers of light, like dying embers floating through the air.
I am scared to touch them, even though i can use them to make more light,
and escape.
I could get burned in the process.

I cant seem to understand why
I am afraid of getting better

But really what is worse?
Being burned for the better,
or drowning in the thick, choking, vanta black of your own thoughts?

Wild.
Absolutely ridiculous.
Insane.
Dangerously outlandish.
Unethical.
Bad choice.
Stupid.
Foolishly planned.
Daring.
Out of your mind.

But that's all I want.

To get out of my mind.

i sit here
in the dark
frigid
isolated
trembling
muscles tight and achy
from the constant shiver
the unrest in my body
the unease in my mind
the chill
that grips my bones

it hurts me so much
to know you hurt so much
it rips my sanity apart to know the inside of your head
is a battle ground
with you in the middle
my soul shrinks into a corner
my heart is gripped
in cold
sharp claws
i cant sleep
i cant focus on anything else but you
i know you're sleeping
happy to escape into unconsciousness

please be okay
we're going to make it

im going to call you in the morning

i miss you

angel boy

starting to think maybe this wasn't meant to be

as much as it hurts me

a hard truth to swallow

the idea of you leaving makes me feel hollow