I wish I had said
"I love you"
Before it was too late
And your heart had moved on like a love lost in time...
I wish I had said
How I felt when you kissed HIM.
And how I wasn't only "excited" for your happiness...
I wish I had said
How your words made the weight on my heart
Disappear.
Into the dark depths of my love for you
With what woe I had experienced.
I wish I had said
Everything I wanted to
Instead of being afraid of your reaction.
I wish I had asked you
How you were feeling
Instead of growing apart from you
And running from my own feelings.
I wish I had said...
"I'm sorry."

Remember me?
I'm the girl you sent away,
Cause you were afraid for your REAL children's safety!?
What happened to "You're our daughter now."?
Did I mean anything? I mean ****?!
And you!
Remember me?
I'm the girl you molested!
After you said I could call you Daddy!
*******
You knew EVERYTHING that happened to me as a kid,
You shoulda known it would **** me up more than I already am!
And you!
Remember me?
I'm the little girl you *****!
While you were beating my mom and me!
You were getting so high, you probably don't even remember me.
But ****! You remembered when your friends came over! So why not?
And you!
I'm the girl you gave birth to!
But you never gave a **** about!
You only cared whether you were sober or not,
Or if your supply was doing ok...
Do you know you have a son too?
Oh yea, you do... But like everything else in your life,
You scared him the **** away too!
So now I have to pay?
I've already given blood!
What more do you ******* want!?
Haven't I given enough???
I mean really,
I'm a big girl now,
And I'm still paying for your mistakes somehow...
But you couldn't care less,
Cause you got what you wanted...
Maybe child support,
Or just some ******* you started.
I Just gotta know,
Did it pay off for you?
You lost so much,
You almost lost me too.
I almost KILLED MYSELF.
BECAUSE OF YOU!
And now I'm going crazy,
I've lost **** too,
For starters, my virginity...
But that wasn't my choice.
But it's all gone now...
And I still don't have a voice.
Second, Blood
**** and lots of it.
I've bled and shed for you,
And you ******* love it.
Third, my mind.
******* thanks a lot.
It disappeared one day
while you were smoking ***.
Do you know what you did to me?
Can't you see?
What the **** is wrong with you?
CAN YOU ******* REMEMBER ME!?

I was only four when it happened.
Late at night, when I was alone.
You preyed on my innocence and my weakness,
How could I know that it was wrong?
The things you did so horrible to me,
My soul and body were barred.
What you did to that little girl,
Left me feeling alone and scared...
You said it was to show your love,
By taking my body for your use.
But now I know what happened to me,
It wasn't Love, it was ABUSE!
All the ***** things you did to me,
Won't wash away with rain,
Nothing on earth will rid my heart
of this never ending pain...
I hope that you hurt as much as I do,
Or do you even remember what you did?!?
Nothing will make up for the pain you caused,
When I was just a kid...
The physical scars on my body,
Have since healed with time,
But my pain still shows on the outside,
Whenever the the child inside me finally starts to cry...
That little 4 year old girl,
Had to grow up way too soon,
And ALL of the hurt and pain you have caused,
Will forever be remembered every time I look at the moon.

I can't live like this. Everything is fake.
My life is a blur and I don't know how much more I can take. If you want, you can take what you want to, salvage this heart, and drive a spike into the X. You created an X where you killed me.
I can't live like this. The eyeliners gone and my tears can't be seen. The mask of black mascara and lines on my body from long time mistakes remain.
I can't live like this. The words that come out aren't supposed to and they're turned into screams.
I want this all to be a dream, and if you can, I ask you one thing - SAVE ME! WAKE ME! TELL ME IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!.. I'm going home soon. Suicide will be my ride. A blade at my side or an empty bottle. STOP THE PAIN! "Can you make it go away!?!?" "Can you mend a broken heart? Can you mend a shattered soul and revive me from death all at once?!!!???"
Save me from the dark, cause I can't live like this.

Try and see through me, save me from myself. Try to live like this. Lie through your breath! Try not to **** YOURSELF when you think of it!! TRY NOT TO BLEED AS A CRY OF RELEASE! When a razor blade is glued to your hand... Try not to starve as you lose pounds off your body, and try not to cry as you're doing all of this!!!!!!
This is my life and no one can do it alone. You need to see how torn from the bone, skin can look. How scars can form, and how you can hook a *** appeal when you're "innocent" and UGLY!? ***** about how much it hurts and complain to a mom that's not there and try to live like me and be alive at the same time: you think you can LIVE LIKE THIS?!?!?

With solemn eyes and long brown hair,
Her life is a slide of emotional care.
Yes's and No's, a bus in the air,
Lies and worries, no one dare.
To enter her life is to be drawn into her bare sliced up heart, and try to wear the lies on her sleeves...
She swore she would never do it again,
Ripped from the headlines,
Her best friend turned on her, and tried to pretend everything was alright in the end. It spiraled down, starting to bend, until she SNAPPED and the authorities would send her away and she cried herself to be... not crazy.
Upside down and inside out
You turned my heart
Round and about
Took it in, spit it out.
You killed me
And there's no doubt
I'm dead you see
I'm going home
Not alone
But going to a questionable home
Where no one knows
The real me.

Instilled in my mind
The long dark scars
That align my nightmares
The pounding on the door
The thrashing in the tub
The water turning red
Confusion settles in
Fix me... You shall try
But you'll never fix
A broken soul
You may mend the heart
But you can never truly fix
me.
I lied saying
I'm not broken
But the truth is
I'm shattered
This will be
Me
Instilled
My mind goes dark
A broken soul dies.

Quiet is deaf
Pure bliss in nothingness
If not for it's existence
I would be sane
The screams inside
Would fall to ears
Filled with the blood
Of nothing in a room
The sound would have
No meaning
A bird would have
no song
Everything would stop
And all would die
This is pure bliss
For of which I
Wouldn't hear
Quiet would have
no meaning
And cries would fall
On deaf ears.

Lost in a world that no one understands,
Not even the one that's holding my hands.
Even though he's there,
He'll never know,
All of the pain,
I do not show.
My sister I love the most of all,
But I'm afraid if I ask her,
We'll both take the fall.
I'm happy here,
Like never before,
But there's still that demon,
Pounding my door,
I'm afraid I might,
Just give it a key,
Cause if I do,
It'll never leave.

So many stitches, so many wounds, so many knives hidden in my room. So many fingers pressed on her hips, it was HER that made me like This. How could something be as powerful as true loves first kiss? I couldn't believe it. How could I deserve this pain and punishment all at once? The marks on my body were from two hearts. Somedays I thought I was lucky to be that man's kid... But really I was lucky to have found HER. I'm getting more than for what I asked, but I knew that the love would never last. I left her on the way that day and never kissed her again. Until the next time my wife, my girl, my friend.

May from the ashes, he will rise,
May he breathe the air of life,
Wake from your eternal slumber,
Sacred one from the dead,
He will walk among the living,
And see out of his dust-filled eyes,
Smell the beauty of his wife,
And forever live again with her,
He will cry and feel the pain,
With from the flames he has come,
And Hell's gates will close behind him,
As for his friend, and for his enemy,
*In Pace Resquiscat

Nothing can heal a broken heart.
Not a bandaid,
Not pulling it farther apart.
From the mended pieces,
Stitched up already,
10, 20, when did I lose count?
Neosporin, Solarcane,
I only wish it were the same.

The punishment of knowing how to put it into words...

I wish I was mute,
Forever silent.
I wish I was blind,
Forever in the dark.
I wish I was deaf,
Forever without sound.
I wish I was alone,
Deaf, dumb, and blind,
So I couldn't hear the screams,
Inside of my head.
And I can't see the tears running down my face.
And I can't scream the words "I HATE YOU" back.
And I wouldn't be "important" to any of my "friends"...
Who probably are fake, just like me.
A doll dressed up with ribbons and bows,
This is ME and I hate it.
This is my punishment,
Knowing how
To put this
FEELING
Into
Words.

Being happy, being sad, is there a difference between good and bad? Where do we go after we die? Do the sinners pay? Will the families cry? The love affairs that cause you pain, when you are the one to blame, silenced by the hard words of no more than a child, mother, father, the love is mild, and icy winds take under your wings, I will go to meet the king, stay in his words, under his arms, I know he'll never do me harm, the nights I have endured your pain, by playing along in your stupid game. All that happens weighs me down, tight around my shoulder blades that keep me steady, arms gone from loss of blood, may I be set to rest, maybe I should, after the pain and misery and death.

This is mine, my own fault, and not your time, so don't pretend to know how it feels to do the time, to make a deal, with the devil himself, he keeps your heart in a jar on the shelf, with his scythe he will carve your heart until it's too small to keep. It hurts to know you're sad and dark but I remember our time at the park, the day we kissed and the time you said goodbye. I'll always cry, for you and me, how happy we could be, living in the eternity of death. I miss you. Being happy, being sad. Really... Is there a difference? Do they even exist? This is my time, my rhyme, my eternal misery.

The pride of death is so blissfully taken away because of a sad funeral, "The Black Parade". And it's true pride is never seen how the dead go on to live their dream. How the gates of heaven or the gates of hell may open we'll never know, until we have the pride in death to show, and stopping the madness if death being sad. It's a new life into the good or into the bad, the raging fires or the clear blue skies will not show for the despised in others hearts. We will never be apart. Let the record show that today I will live again, and be seen in the true, the pride of death. Taken away from the dead and given to the living, so that halos can be given to those that apply, and the wings torn off of angels who die and oh how they cry... We're all gunna die eventually. We just have to believe in the PRIDE OF DEATH.

So give it back.

Stuck in a world of total confusion,
Lights in my head keep me awake,
But all of this lives on the contusions,
Because of the devastation,
That lives on in it's wake.
It haunts my dreams,
It twists my feelings,
It lives on my nightmares,
It's not what it seems.
It's just out there,
Waiting for me to dare come talk with it.
I'm trapped under it's rough hand,
Tied to a ball and chain,
But I'm not supposed to be here,
That is very plain.
I put a smile on to please it,
I ask "How high?" When it says to jump.
I am what it tells me, it is my god,
And I can't stop when it says "enough".

Cause it will never mean it, either I know too much or not enough, then I'm stupid and unwanted. But when it comes to being me, I'm the one who started. Trapped in my mind, a world no one can find. Alone in the dark with it, it courses through my veins, and cracks through the bone so I will say it's name. It won't stop 'til I've given up. Sometimes I feel I've given enough and I want to quit, so temptation gives in, and I use it on myself and the cycle starts over again.

Looking in a mirror, I stare at a face that I don't know.
Looking around my room:
A hole in the wall
From a knife I almost
Drove inside of myself.
Scratches on my door
Pleas of help and reconciliation.
A bunny on my bed,
Stuffed with fluff... And my blades.
A mirror on the wall,
Almost covered with pictures of people
I HATE.
A bed with gashes
Again from my knife,
A dresser with a note inside
To all the people that find "me".
A blade in every drawer
Just in case I lose one.
Looking down at the pool of blood
Dripping from my hand
Falling to the ground
In an unconscious mess.
Looking in the mirror,
In a jacket tied tight,
Wondering "When will it end?"
Talking to the face I don't know.

Bad nightmares
Evil clowns
The worst fear of all
Is looking down.

"What a doll!"
"Porcelain"
"Perfect in every way!"
They never knew that she would go,
Mentally insane.
She was so convinced
That her life,
Was nothing but a waste.
Yet she was blind by the feel,
And the sickening taste,
of an evil love.

She had the love,
She had the life,
But Everything she lost.
For this bad love had no price,
No amount and no cost.

For what she had paid him,
Was her soul,
The ultimate sacrifice.
She had given her life to an evil man.  
For a piece of a happy life.

But she had given her life to him.
And her life was at an end,
Her survival was now sink or swim.
And she had no family or friend.

She was caught in the fall,
The wind in her face,
The feel of his breath,
With his chokehold embrace.
To escape it she ran,
With what strength that she had,
She returned to the spot where it all began.
Yet it was too late,
To return to her life.
She sold her soul,
And took her own life.

I got lost in the darkness,
And found HER on the way,
As I lay here in the dark,
I pray for forgiveness,
HER SINS haunt me,
Thoughts forever inside,
I lie here in the dark,
Wanting to DIE
Wanting to CUT
"WHY DONT YOU DO IT
YOU SCAREDY ****?!?!"
She pulls at my mind
Asking me WHY?
"WHY DONT YOU
PUT AN END TO IT ALL?"
My only answer is to cry:
"MANDY IS SO MUCH STRONGER THAN I!!!"

.AMANDA FALLS.

She saw it all go crashing down
On top or her small dream life
The acid of her mistakes
All of the dreams and heart ache
The tears and blood
Of sacrificed life
The skin was not meant to love the pain
Anguish and feel of a knife.

She honestly wanted to tell it all
The rise, the descent, and finally the fall.
Of all of them she wanted,
She couldn't compose the rite
Only to go deeper into the silent life.
Her eyes filled with tears.
Her mouth wide - was sewn shut
With the needle of lies she called - but no help.
They saw the pain, but no one saw the feel,
Of the peel of a heart.

Try to help as she might
It only came down on her small dream life...
Her eyes filled with lies,
Her heart consuming the pain whole,
Her mouth sewn shut.
She tried to call but was afraid
That she might rip the string.

I could **** you for what you've done to me...
You tried to take it all away from me.
You drove me insane from the day I was born...
But now I'm about to DIE and you feel sorry for no one... But... You.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never really cared about me...
All you cared about was your men and your, ecstasy.
But now your actions are taking hold of me.
So stop pretending... To... Care.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never saw it coming...
You never felt MY PAIN!!!
IT WILL ALL BE OVER "TOO SOON"
LOCKED UP INSIDE MY MIND!!!!!
THE CUTS ON MY WRISTS
THE BLACK ON MY EYES
DID IT EVER COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE?!?!?!

I could **** you for what you've done to me.
You took it all away from me...
You took my brother, my best friend, and now my life,
BUT NOW IM DEAD - IM PAST BEING SICK OF THE FIGHTS...
I just thought - maybe I could have won...
But now - I hope for you - NOTHING.
IM DONE.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!
YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

My ****** cross falls with speed, neck to blade, death to me. "Thou shall not take your name and use it in vain!" Now the final test becomes apart of my name, inside of my vein, and you can use this to your POWER, under your knife, "END THE PAIN"... It's just a game in your world, in my misery, pain, anguish, and DEATH, "One short breath". One more lie to lie to, to end the pain to, to stop the game to, to end the anguish in your world, with my vein and my game, with my knife, to end my life.

Take me back
To the place I was before
Back to the time
When our love was so sure.
Take me back
To who I used to be
Back to the time
To when we were happy.
Take me back
To that beautiful night.
When all I ever wanted
Was for you to hold me tight.
Take me back
Before the sorrow
Take me back
Today or tomorrow.
When ever it is
That you'll take back my heart
Put it together
For I've torn it apart.
Pull me fast
And take me far,
Just please
"Take me back to the stars."

I cry everyday thinking of you.
I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes, I see your face.
I cut myself trying to cause more pain, than what my heart is already in.
My chest is heavy and my heart beats in an irregular way.
I look at your picture and I can not breathe.
I read the letters you gave me and fight not to **** myself after every word.
I went on your myspace today and read the comments from girls who said how beautiful you are, and how beautiful your eyes are...
Those used to be mine.
All I can do is think of you.
Kayla was the quickest fix the night you broke my heart again... Although I did deserve it.
Lesbian *** and drugs were the only thing that kept me alive that night.
The drugs were never strong enough.
The cuts are never deep enough.
I can't pretend to be happy for much longer.
Derrick makes me happy, but "every time he kisses my lips, I taste your mouth, and every time he pulls me in, I feel disgusted with myself."
Every time I love him, I want to call out your name.
I'm sick of being in so much pain. I want to stop dreaming of you every night and waking up in tears and sweat.
I want to tell my mom that I'm ok, and actually mean it.
I want to tell myself that I don't love you anymore,
But that would just be one more lie.
I used to stare at you from across the courtyard at lunch, or go a specific way to class just to run into you.
I used to tell all of your friends about how much I miss you
Hoping they would tell you.
I tried everything to make you want me back.
I tried jealousy at the mall,
Even offering you my body once more,
But you made it clear you don't love me anymore.
Remember that day you walked me home and Mandy told you that I still cut?
And remember what you asked me: "What, does Derrick not make you happy enough?"
I never told you the truth in my answer.
Though Derrick had much to do with my sadness,
It was really because I can't have you.
You were my life, my love, my reason to stay alive. You were the only good thing in my life... And now you're gone.
And I know it's all my fault.
I still blame myself for your suicide attempt.
I broke your heart too many times and I'll never forgive myself for what I put you through.
Gina told me something yesterday that made me realize how stupid I am, and how stupid I was.
She said that in every relationship, there will be a test of love. A test of how strong I can be... And I failed you.
She told me about how for her, there was another guy making advances toward her while her and Brad were dating, and she almost broke up with Brad for him!
But she didn't. And now they are married.
My test came by the name of Cory.
It happened the same way as Gina's test; Her and Brad were having problems when the other guy showed up, and you and I had a lot of problems too when Cory came into my life.
Gina was strong and didn't give in. But I was stupid and gave you up for him.
And I had to realize that I'll always love you.
But you have finally stopped loving me. And now I'm too late.
And now my life is a huge lie,
Filled with quick fixes that only make things worse.
I want to accept the fact that you and I will never be,
But I think that the only way that will ever happen is after my death.
Maybe I take too many pills.
Maybe I cut one millimeter too deep.
Maybe after I finally put an end to it all;
The lies, the drugs, the alcohol, the cuts, the pain,
Maybe then, I'll stop loving you.

Until then, my love.
I shall rot away in this body
Killing myself one day at a time.

I'll love you forever,
Amanda.

I know who you are,
I know what you hide,
I know what you do,
But I can't understand why.
I know the truth,
About the drugs,
I know the names,
of the men you ******.
I know you're back
in rehab too,
And this is why,
I'm done with you.
I know you lie,
You've lied to me.
A thousand times now,
It's plain to see.
You take care of kids,
That aren't even yours.
Yet, you're not a mother,
Behind closed doors.
You're "The ****"
That sleeps around.
"The one" they say
"who's been around town."
The one who cheats,
On the ones she "loves",
The one who's sent many babies,
To our god above.
I know the truth
About that too
Kidney stones?
Yea, caused by who?
These are only
Just a few
Of the things I wish
I could say to you.

The world between what I know
And what I want
Is the most horrible place
Filled with haunted dreams
And scattered nightmares
Along with dreaded hidden truths.
Ones that stab you in the face
And scream
OPEN YOUR EYES
LOOK AROUND
Even though you wish you could sew yours shut
And fall asleep
Forever.
Only to awaken in another world
Where you're with your "Prince Charming"
At the alter
In a white gown.
You blink
And you're right back in your world
Where you get thrown on your ***
And hurt
But you have to put up with it
And make these decisions all alone
And learn from your mistakes
But I don't want to be here anymore.

The lies eating through my flesh
Burning in my eyes
He can see them
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.
His heart is so fragile
And it lies in my hands
He will never understand
How I can call him my friend
But to me, he's so much more.
Two years with him
He will never see what it meant to me
It means nothing to him
Equal to nothing in his eyes
He's just a boy
And I was just his "play thing".
What happened to forever?
He took it back.
But now I found someone
To promise it again
But I still think back to him
The one that took "forever" away
The very next day
So I turned to him for help
Yet now I lie to him
To hide the questions, tears and days
When I call him and say
How much I've missed him
His face, his voice
And the way he gets distracted so easily.
And how much I still love him.
But then my mind starts to wander
And I go into my distorted daydreams
Back and forth between
The love we made
And the pain it caused...
The pain I caused.
Thinking of his body
Every inch and curve of his beautiful figure.
The way I memorized his face
The shape of his lips...
How soft they are when they touch mine.
The pictures make me shake
And yet I can't look away
Yet the one who loves me so,
Trusts me so fully
But these lies I tell him
They burn through my skin
They show in my eyes
Eating away at the flesh in my heart
I'm choking on my words
I don't want to hurt him
But I don't want to hurt anymore.

With all the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one I'm sorry for most,
It's carried with me, the pain I feel,
Haunting me like a ghost.
Every time I hear your voice, you can still say,
That you love me, and you think of me every single day.
But the pain, it won't die down,
The band aids are not enough,
I'm just about sick of myself,
Just about given up.
Because every time I hear your voice,
I still want to say,
That I love you too and I think of you every single day.
But then I remember our tragic end,
And how I asked you to be my friend,
And how then I watched you cry,
And even almost saw you die...
But now I want to hold you close,
Kiss your lips and love you most...
But the things I did,
The things we said,
The nights I cried beside my bed,
Would never compare to the pain I caused,
The many lives that I have crossed.
It's much too late to turn back now,
Even if I could, I wouldn't know how.
I'm not so sure, on what to do,
But I'll never give up - give up on you.

But with all the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one that I regret,
This is the one I'll NEVER forget.
The simple truth of first TRUE love,
Is that well never forget each other's hug,
Each other's kiss, each other's touch,
The way we loved each other so much...
And still do.
The way I dream of still spending
The rest of my life with you.
The nights I still cry,
The days were I lie,
to the one I gave you up for.
But with everything I've done,
To you, my love,
I'm so so sorry.

Because with all of the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one I'm sorry for most:

Saying goodbye.

The splitting pain so intense
Yet so worth the act
Fireworks exploding in your eyes
Looking down on me as we lay in the dark.
So cold on that night but
Warm underneath your skin
Goosebumps flutter over mine
As you say the magic words
That made this all possible
I reply "I love you too."
Muffled by panting and kisses.
Breaths in the January air
Common white puffs
As our bodies intertwine
Pushing your bony hips against mine
Feeling the pressure so extreme
Tears rolling down my smiling face
Feeling the soft touch of your fingers on my back,
My nails digging into yours
Holding back the screams
I can only repeat "I love you."
Knowing not what else
And also just to hear your reply.
This only occurs so long
But after, I know:
Fireworks are the most beautiful thing in the world.

My heart, already wounded, wants to give out. It cried in pain the night I said goodbye, but harder still the night you kissed me again. It's choking on the blood that keeps me alive, so I think I'll drain it, drip by drip. It's so hard to think of all of these things that I've done, and all those things I did with you. My eyes shrivel up in pain, with no more tears to cry. You made me cry again tonight while I wallow in my guilt.
It hurts so bad to see you like that, so bent up... So unhappy. Because of me.
My heart can't take anymore of my abuse. We were a perfect twosome, tangled in the strings of grief and passion, pain and pleasure.
My heart has been destroyed. I feel the fluids of life slowly leaking out... It gets so hard to say goodbye, but now I know, that my heart is giving up. Giving up on you. Giving up on an "us". I love you. And I hate what you've done to me. But I don't want to leave you here... Alone in the dark. But only I can see the light and I want you to follow me.
So watch me pull myself together with some ***** needles. Watch the blood deep though the spot where your X was drawn and watch me curl up and die. But I'm sorry. Will that ever be enough?

Love
Is you and me
Laying in the dark
On a cold January night
Underneath our body heat
The soft friction it makes
The pressure makes me shake
In your arms
Under your skin
Keep me warm...
Safe...
Away...
Alas,
This only occurs,
In a dream.

You think you're the only one who's lying?
The only one who's pretending to smile?
The only one who's dying?
The only one who walks into a room & feels so alone?
The only one who's heartache kills them,
And they deal with it on their own?
I remember every kiss,
Every touch,
The forbiddenness,
Of every moment that we spent,
Memorizing each other's skin.
And now you look right through me,
And I smile the same old smile,
While you go on with your life
Destroying yourself inside
And I'm standing here waiting for you to realize,
Slowly killing the burning fire in my eyes.
I waited too long,
And now you don't care...
Best friends, yea, ok...
I'll pretend it's enough.
Try to make it through the day.
You're not the only one who's lying,
The only one who's pretending to smile,
The only one who's dying.
Look at me.
Just really look.

Don't come into my heart.
Don't come into my mind.
Don't come into my soul.
For there's nothing to find.
Let me be, Let me die.
Leave me alone to cry.
I need some time, space, and grace
To let these tears dry on my face.
But wait until then, don't come near.
Stay far, FAR, away from here.

You used to say you loved the fire in my eyes,
The light in my soul,
The passion in my life.
I used to love the way you smiled,
The way you held me,
So close and so tight.
It couldn't all just be lies,
So I tore down all the walls blocking my heart,
And I let you inside.
The rhythm of your voice kept me hypnotized,
And I fell into the deep abyss of you.
Now the reason why I laughed,
And the reason why I cried myself to sleep at night,
I was your sweet sacrifice.
And now every time I watch you walk away,
A little bit of the fire in my eyes,
Slowly and surely,
Dies. away.

Their names leave your lips and your heart starts to beat,
They fill your lungs with life as you speak,
Your heart is home to many loves that you keep,
But you have too big a heart.

Her sweet British accent made your mouth water,
Her flowing blond hair, you would have wished for your daughter,
The ones who hurt her you wanted to slaughter,
But you have to big a heart.

His warm hugs healed your soul and dried all your tears,
You counted his freckles as you both shared your fears,
He had been there for you through all of the years,
But you have too big a heart.

Her smell was addicting and her lips were so soft,
Her light olive complexion sent your heart aloft,
You traced her skin as her laugh would waft,
But you have too big a heart.

Her shy, gentle nature made you want to know more,
She guarded her heart behind a locked door,
But she melted away as you made love on the floor,
But you have too big a heart.

You loved him as her, and you love him as him,
You jumped in this pool, though you knew not how to swim,
Before his love, all of life seemed grim,
But you have too big a heart.

Night by night, you give and give,
Your heart dissolves, and you struggle to live,
You love so many, And love so strong,
Yet you know that this love is wrong.
The guilt, it builds and breaks you down,
In this depression you begin to drown.
Monogamy tears your soul apart,
All because you have too big a heart.

I want to cut.

I need to cut.

I miss cutting. 

I miss the scars. 

I miss the voices. 

I miss the deep spiraling depression.

I miss feeling out of control.

I miss feeling. 

Why do I miss being sick?

I thought I would be happy when I wasn’t depressed anymore, but now all I feel is emptiness. 

Where feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness used to live, empty space echoes revealing what is lost.

I miss it all.
And I know I shouldn’t.

But living in denial is my safe haven. 
If I wake up, then I would have to face reality… And in that, I would have to face the fact that I’m not ok.

Sludge caked in my throat
I don't want to think of it
Fire burning in my heart
I don't want to think of it
The memories **** the air from my lungs
I don't want to think of it
The blood drains from my face
I don't want to think of it

***** fingers touching my chest
I don't want to think of it
Evil lips on my neck
I don't want to think of it
The thick smell of sweat
I don't want to think of it
Fighting back his voice in my head
I don't want to think of it

The trust that was destroyed
I don't want to think of it
The guilt chained to my soul
I don't want to think of it
The disgust of my own flesh
I don't want to think of it
The taste that will never leave my mouth
I don't want to think of it

I don't want to see it
The flashbacks make me sick.
I don't want to feel it
The pressure between my thighs.
I don't want to think of it
My best friend ***** me.
But I do.

I wish I could tell you that after we texted last night, I cried for the fear that I might lose you.
I wish I could tell you that I still think about you all the time. And I often hope that you could be more in my life.
I wish I could tell you that I dreamt about you last night.
We made love like we did the first time; On the floor of your bedroom because your plushie collection took up the space on your bed... I didn't mind. I could smell you in my sleep and it made me so happy.
I wish I could tell you that I love you too... And more than just a friend.
I wish I could tell you that I want to kiss you...
That I want to hold you...
That I want to love you like you deserve to be kissed, held, and loved.
I wish I could tell you that I wrote this about you.
But I can't.
Because it might **** you.

It blows my mind that after all this time you’ve spent on earth, nobody ever bothered to tell you that your eyes aren’t ******* brown.

They are copper against honey and sage and when they water they glow, two perfect orbs the same shade as nature after it rains.

You’re not as simple as they wanted you to be.

She smelled like baby powder and men's cologne.  
She gave me goosebumps with her every touch.
She was as soft as silk, but she liked it rough.
She was a conquest.

Our legs intertwined - feeling every speck of flesh between us.
Hearts working overtime to keep up with our rhythmic movements.
Breathing in deep with each kiss, stealing oxygen.
She was a dream.

She bit my lip and pulled my hair.
My nails dug into her skin and my teeth into her neck.
Sin washed over us as I cried out for more.
She was a goddess.

We lay in the stillness of dark - exhaustion settling in.
Feeling her wetness against my thigh.
Tasting her on my tongue.
She was amazing.

Beautiful and hungry,
They proclaim my fears.
They scream out of the darkness,
They whisper into my ears.

"A moment on the lips,
Adds ten pounds to your hips."

It rips into my sides,
It makes my stomach churn.
I guess I'll always think this way.
I guess I'll never learn.

Caged within myself
A murderer awaits
Patiently planning
Patiently waiting
For the right moment
To strike.

Cut me open.

Remove the demons from me.

I don't want to be their friend anymore.

Emptiness fills her heart as smoke fills her lungs.
Each drag more empty than the next.
Her heart turns black with the soot that revives her.

Sleep eludes her.

Her dreams plague her.

Nightmares her only friends.

Herself: her enemy.

I offer myself to you.
Bare and naked.
I rip my heart out for you.
Cold but still beating.
I work my fingers to the bone for you.
Nothing but scraps of what they used to be.
But you can't see what you don't want.
And you don't want what you can't see.
So you throw me away, bare and naked.
You step on my heart, cold - no longer beating.
You push my bloodied hands away from you in disgust.
You don't see how hard I've tried.
You ignore the tears I've cried.
I guess this is all I'll ever be.
I love you anyway mommy.

"Dance for me my puppet."
And so I danced for her.
"Bind yourself to me my dear"
And so I bound myself to her.
"Listen to me and no one else."
And so I listened to only her.
"Starve yourself for me my precious."
And so killed myself for her.

Maybe one day the wind will pick me up and take me away from this place.

Maybe then it will whisper how lovely I've become.

I pull it inside.
It cools me as it flows downward.
It's black, sticky hands wrap around my lungs.
A cool shiver trickles down my spine.
My muscles unclench from the daily beating.
My blood calms down.
I have escaped the calls of the blade for now.
For now, the smoke flies away with me.