I can feel it.
Just under the surface, it's there.
That hard prominent perfection.
Under my fingertips that trace my imperfections.
They are there.
Beautiful and white.
Just pull my skin tight and you can feel them too.

The cold steel glides over my throbbing flesh.
It yearns for the screams of a thousand nightmares.
It beckons to me from the darkness,
It frees me from my cage.
I answer it's call, holding it my arms like a lover lost long ago.
Reunited in a painful embrace.
This long forgotten feeling, now once again flows over my skin.
Spilling over, worthless rubies fall to the floor.
The flush cools my once screaming veins.
They whisper all together a collective "Thank you" as they fall asleep.
My precious metal friend falls to the ground.
I lay cold, dying, alone;
The screams from within me are now silent with their goal achieved.
Content, they scatter back into the darkness.
My relapse is complete.

My demons sometimes force my hand.
They sometimes make me smile.
They sometimes know how to make me laugh.
They know how to make me lie through my teeth.
Vices keep me level.
Fire helps me breathe.
I hope my demons have forgotten how to swim,
Because I'm neck deep,
And I never learned how.

My mind is a dangerous place to live. It's so cramped and loud, and your neighbors are demons. You try to escape, but there are no doors. The windows are caked thick with blood and the sunlight burns your eyes. Where there use to be innocence, there is only darkness and pain. The hatred fills your lungs like a black tar - it becomes hard to breathe. You fall into madness, gripping for anything, anyone, but there is nothing but the sound of your own screams.

She's burning alive
in her dead empty heart.
No one can tell
that she's falling apart.
She's cried all her tears
and she's screamed all her pain,
And now all the memories
flow down the drain.
She's empty inside
and she can't hardly breathe,
Her eyes are so swollen,
she can't hardly see.
The battle is over,
Depression has won,
She's all out of blood now,
Her sad life is done.

Everything they say,
Everything they do,
Everything they spout,
is a lie.

I know because the voices in my head told me so.

Just let me melt into the floor.
Leaving no remnants
of my life on the hard wood.

Stare into me as I evaporate into the sky.
And run through my shadow
as though I were never there.

This love is pungent.
Draining my heart of the light that used to live there.

My shell has broken,
And my insides have seeped out through the scattered fragments.

I've nothing left to do but
Disappear forever.
So wave goodbye as you watch me drip through the floorboards
And disappear into the sky.

All that's left in her cold veins
Is what hasn't been excised
She stares off into the crowd
Wondering what it's like
To have a soul.

EDNOS is:
 confusion.

-starving for days,
 then bingeing every day for a week.

-puking until you see blood, 
because you failed yet again.

-starving again, 
because you’re too fat to function.

-puking some more,
 because you’re not strong enough.
EDNOS is: 
manic.

-running for hours,
 because running makes you thin.

-exercising in the early morning,
because every minute counts.

-constantly fidgeting, 
because moving burns calories.

-counting calories like a pro,
 because everything has to be exact.

-organizing everything,
 because it calms you down.
EDNOS is:
 horrible.

-pulling your head out of the toilet,
with tears running down your face and puke all over.

-fake smiling at everyone,
 because no one would believe you if you were honest.

-your mind spinning 100miles/hour,
 because demons control your thoughts.

-comparing yourself to everyone you see,
 because you’re too fat to be a part of society.

-wanting to die every second, 
because you’re not perfect.
EDNOS is:
 me.

We are who we are, because of what they are.
The need to be perfect. The need to be thin, skinny, beautiful and popular. The need to be in control. Self-destruction our only friend. Anorexia, bulimia, and ednos, our sicknesses. Self harm - the only way we know how to control our pain. Suicide... The the only way we see as a means to escape. ****, molestation and abuse filled our sick childhoods and now we all pay the price for it. We pay with the blood from our veins, the ***** from our stomach's, the tears from our eyes... We pay for their crimes until we are empty and can not give any more.
We are what we are, because of what they are. And we scream out for help. We cry for forgiveness. We do anything we can to beg for mercy and yet, no one answers. So we cut, and we starve, and we purge until we have withered away to nothing but scarred up bones. Just empty shells of the kids we used to be... And still they don't notice. So we try to **** the pain inside... Over dose. Hanging. Gunshot. Slit wrists.
And then... they notice... But for us, it's already too late. They made us who we are. Whether or not we succeeded, we are already dead inside.

Far away
Wearing the eyes of me
Listening to the mass destruction
Of something that could have been
Should have been
Now watch me die
Even though it can't be right

Now hold the blade
One swift cut
And a velvet obsession
With a sweet seduction
And scarlet temptation

Drinking
Never goes fast
What don't I
What don't I feel.

It calls to me in the wind,
Like a soft, warm whisper,
Beaconing me home.
It wraps its cold hands around my throat,
And I am at it's mercy.
I am free in its chains.
I am powerfully weak.
Like a threaded puppeteer,
I am no longer in control.

You're beauty radiates through your mahogany eyes.
They are the portal to your glimmering soul.
Each time I see them, a candle is lit in my heart... A light in the darkness to keep me alive.
Your skin, so perfect - a porcelain silk.
My fingertips crave it's touch with each passing moment.
My lips quiver at the sound of your name, it melts my heart and calms my soul.
Your smile is by far, the most beautiful I've ever seen, lights up my day like nothing else.
Just to have you in my arms, Just to feel your heart beat against mine, would make my life complete.
You are the air that I breathe.
You are the life that fills me.
I love you now and forever.
You're beauty radiates through your mahogany eyes.

Look inside.
Watch me pry my soul out for you.
Walk on by.
Watch me bleed and die for you.

Cause I bet you know this pain.
I bet you know this line.
Call my ******* name.
Yea. I'm ******* fine.
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...
I don't know.
My heads a ******* mess.  
What a show...
This false smile burns my flesh.

Look inside.
See the emptiness between my ribs.
Walk on by.
Go away and see my face behind your lids.  

Cause I bet you know this pain.
I bet you know this line.
Call my ******* name.
Yea. I'm ******* fine.
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...

I want to see you cry these tears.
I want to see you fear these fears.
I want to see you scream in pain,
I want to see you once again.
Blood dripping down your face.
You make it look so ******* easy.
You make us look like a disgrace.
You make us feel so ******* queasy.

All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...

I'll rip out my heart for you,
I'll place it in your perfect hands.
Watch it beat and pulse for you,
This is my loves dance.
I'll rip my soul in two for you,
So that we can become one.
I'll make it work so hard for you,
So that you'll smile like the sun.
I'll tear myself apart for you,
So you'll have all of me.
I'll put it in a box for you,
To simply make you happy.
I'll do what ever I can for you,
To make you feel my love.
I'll take glue to every inch of you,
To fix my broken angel from above.

Right now we are bound by the chains around our wrists.
Right now we are fighting with our arms raised up in fists.
Right now we are bruised and ****** and feel so weak.
Right now we would give anything just to fall asleep.

But we know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

Right now we fight with butterflies and ink.
Right now we fight the horrible urge to drink.
Right now we lock all of our terrible secrets away.
Right now we'd give anything to just be free today.

But we know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

I know these times are so hard and you just want to let go,
But it's through these times we have to hold strong and we just have to know
We know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

“I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.”
- Virginia Woolfe

My insides are broken,
They bleed and they weep,
For I've been unkind,
To this soul that I keep.
I find that I'm ugly,
My insides are thick,
My outside, it jiggles,
So I make myself sick.
This addiction, it started,
On account of a name,
The boys called me "Thunder-thighs"
As a part of a game.
This name, it would scar me,
And darken my heart,
It convinced me of things,
That would rip me apart.
I thought that when empty,
This pain, it would cease,
Yet it only encouraged,
The growth of the beast.
This beast that I speak of,
It lives in my head,
It plays on my fears,
And it wishes me dead.
It screams in the night,
From it's den of deceit,
"You can be lovely,
Just purge what you eat!"
So I bow to my ruler,
At a porcelain thrown,
I flush out the ugly,
And I'm never alone.

Now with each phasing moon,
The pain grows in my chest,
My hair has become brittle,
And I can't seem to rest.
I search in the mirror,
For some noticeable change,
But it only shows failure,
Our mind is deranged.
This reflection I see,
Is fat and so vile,
So I run to my throne,
And puke up more bile.
I want to be pretty,
And I want to be thin,
So nothing will stop me,
This war I will win.
But my bones become weak,
And my skin becomes dry,
I can't seem to breathe easy,
And I can't seem to cry.
I cut into this flesh,
That repulses me so,
I cover with clothing,
So no one will know.
My head spins in the chaos,
As I fall to the floor,
The blackness engulfs me,
As I reach for the door.
I call out for help,
But no one is home,
No one can hear me,
I am alone.