I won't listen to your words,
I won't conform to your evil curse.
I know better now.

Yes, sometimes I may look at myself,
And not be so proud,
But you don't offer control;
You only take it.

I don't care if you won't leave me alone,
Because I'll get you away from me,
You don't blind me anymore:
I taught myself you're not what I need.

My door won't be darkened by you anymore,
I won't notice your shadow occasionally waiting.
Instead I'll say goodbye again
And I will stay fine without you.

Though you don't deserve another another contribution
This is
Love from,
Me.

I really don't want to write this poem.
Doing so means you're really going.
You've been a big part of my life.
I was only just turning three.
That was when you came.
You've been here since I can remember.
I don't want you to go today.

I hate how much you're struggling.
I can't believe it's today.
If I could take away you're pain,
I'd do it this very second.
If I could I'd still be seconds late.

There's an ache in my heart.
I know it won't go away for so long.
I don't want to miss you,
Because if I miss you then you'll be gone.
You don't know how hard this is.
It's way too hard to let go.
Why give in?
Too bad there's no other way.

You fought so hard.
It's not your fault and god knows you don't deserve this.
I can't believe it's your time.
I don't want it to be,
But sadly that won't change a thing.

You though, will change everything.
You've always been here.
You have to be here.
Why do you have to go?
I know it's you're time.
I know you've lived long.
I just want you here forever.

I could cry a thousand tears,
But that won't stop you going.
Oh well I can't help,
So I'll do it anyway.
I'll continue crying millions of tears.
Unfortunately though, still you will go.

I won't say goodbye.
Not really a goodbye.
If I do it would mean you're going.
You're not really going.
You can't really go.
You belong here at home.

You might be a dog,
But you're our family.
No matter what happens you will always be.
You can't be going.
I know you are,
But you'll never really be gone.
You still have to be here.
Be here everyday.
Maybe we won't have to move on.

You are the best dog ever.
You always will be!
Even when you're 'gone'.
Wherever you go,
Does anyone really know?
Do we even have to.
I know you'll be somewhere.
I'll see you again.
Until then I'll be missing you.

Very soon I'll have to let you go.
I know it's for the best and all,
But even so it won't help this pain.
At least you won't be suffering your pain.
I have to try to let go,
But that's the last thing I want to do.
You've always been here.
So why can't you stay?
I can't help these pointless questions.

Eventually I'll move on,
I know.
Thats how all of this stuff goes.
That doesn't mean I'll:
Forget you,
Stop loving you,
Stop thinking of you
And I know I won't stop missing you.

Goodbye max.
But this isn't goodbye really,
Because this is not the end.
One day we'll all see you.
Then we can all be happy together again.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe i'll get over it.

Maybe then this will be behind us,

Well it's already behind you.

I bet you've already put the book away,

Saying no it's not an option.

Then that's all it is for you.

Maybe I don't want it behind me.

I keep this book open,

Because I want to keep it close.

For me it's not an option.

It's something I need to happen.

Maybe we shouldn't be together.

Maybe you are right.

Maybe you were and always will be.

Maybe is only a maybe.

Maybe we shouldn't for now.

But maybe doesn't mean forever.

Maybe if you read all this.

This one poem now.

Maybe you wouldn't realise,

That I'm lying to myself.

Maybe I can say maybe.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Another thing I can say though,

Is maybe that we should.

Unfortunately you don't agree with that.

Maybe as I know,

You never will agree.

Maybe one day you will.

Maybe is a word,

That I can say a million times.

If I say maybe we shouldn't,

Even if I said it that much,

It would never ever mean,

That the maybe wasn't a lie.

Maybe I'm still into you.

Maybe I always will be.

Maybe you'll never want me.

Maybe I'll be fine with that.

Maybe I just lied again.

Maybe I would rather that,

Than having my love for you stop.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Now I could put that in every verse.

Maybe I could put in the opposite,

But that would change this poem.

This is about how we shouldn't,

Even if I think we should.

Let's be honest here and now.

You think we shouldn't,

But I will always think we should.

Maybe it will take you twenty years,

To actually understand why.

I don't mind if my hearts get broken,

As long as it's by you.

It may already be cracked,

But I'm proud that you caused that.

Maybe I'll still be sitting here,

All these years later.

Maybe i'll still write these poems.

Maybe I'll put them in a letter.

Maybe I could send them to you.

Maybe I'll throw them in the sea.

Maybe at least they'll go somewhere.

Anywhere could be better.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Do I need to say it another time?

All of us here are knowing,

That these lies keep coming.

Maybe it's only you,

That I will ever leave my heart open to.

Maybe one day you'll open your heart as well.

Maybe I already know,

That it won't be open to me.

Maybe this poem is stupid.

Maybe it's full of hopeless hopes.

Maybe it's all lies.

Maybe it won't be so simple to you,

But I know what I feel inside.

Maybe we shouldn't,

The name of this poem.

This poem is all a lie.

I briefly thought about messaging you
To ask you what exactly it is you want
Because it can't be a daughter,
It can't be something I am not.
What exactly will knowing do for you?
What do you want from me?
Are you going to rip me apart,
And watch me deal with it too?

I look at all the words I mean,
Not wanting people to come back right at me,
Reprimanding me for criticising health care professionals
(“They just want to help, it’s their job”
- Well that’s what I thought too,
So maybe someone should tell them to do their “compassionate” job right,
And to think, I wanted to be just like them
But better)
Criticising me for criticising the NHS,
It’s not about the NHS.
I’m not blind to see that this happens everywhere,
I was all for the NHS
I was
“Going to be a nurse”
And so so happy about it,
But they managed to take that from me too,
It didn’t encourage me to do better,
It just made me want to get as far away from them as possible.

So I thought, “don’t post it!”
And just as suddenly recalled that I should not hide this,
Even if occasionally in some twisted kind of way I do feel guilty, like it’s all my fault;
What they said, how they acted, what they thought,
Or just simply of their proposition that I’m ill because of myself.
After all, if I don’t speak out who will?
I think of those who do tell the world of their experiences,
And how when I read about it I felt understood, almost like there’s a place for me,
And how I wish I could be that brave,
Whilst knowing that I’m not.
They remind me that it’s not okay,
To keep being treated this way,
So why not speak out?
The side of me I taught to be nice to myself,
The one that challenges cruel thoughts, tells me that
Shouldn’t I deserve these rights? Shouldn’t I be heard without fear?
People like me have had things they need taken away from them by doing this,
But I never had them in the first place, so why not?

These health professionals have so much jurisdiction,
When it comes to our bodies and how we perceive them,
Even for patients who are headstrong and less vulnerable this can be volatile.
It will be painstakingly explosive.
I suppose optimistically I’d like to hope,
They don’t realise the power at their hands; their words, their treatment
That somehow makes it okay for them
To bruise the strong but delicate souls,
Which they manage to crush so easily, so mercilessly
(Instead of our symptoms)
But then I wonder, I just honestly wonder:
How it could be fathomable that they could look us in our pleading eyes and downright refuse us,
Undermine us, all at once as if we were a common inconvenience,
Like the whole point of their vocation
Is not to help people,
Not only when they need it most, but at all!

Sardonically, I laugh at it now,
How very hard I tried, and was happy to try, to be in this field also,
Because no matter what the cost to my current emotions,
I always told myself, just do this really well so you can be a nurse,
So you can help people.
Each time my life was hard I told myself it’s okay because the end result is that I’ll get to be a nurse to help people.
To help people.
It’s just so funny right? Because the nurse I saw didn’t want to help me!
And I know they’re not all like that,
There are good nurses, good doctors (I hope - I’ve heard if you’re lucky you’ll find one someday),
But I can’t stomach how you could go through all that effort to help someone,
To then be so inconsiderate and futile.

And around about here,
I tell myself again that I’m probably a horrible person,
Because I know not to paint everyone with the same brush, there are good and bad people in everything,
But if I have child one day in the distant future, would I want them to be okay with this?
With the ******* and insufficient “care” I’ve endured,
No. And I would even like to think I would scream it from the rooftops,
But I’m not that audacious or loud enough,
And frankly it’s scary,
Terrifying as hell because while you look at your health care system and see:
Trustworthy, compassionate and caring,
I see: fear and a hierarchy that will never hold you high enough to be heard,
Once one doctor’s said it’s because of your mentality
None of the others will look at you twice unless it’s to see into your psyche and not your physical body.

So part of me may half heartedly deny this when it comes to speaking out about this,
But this is not okay,
And this is not only for me to get the words out somewhere,
But for every other person like me, who didn’t get what they deserved from those supposed to help us,
It is not your fault,
And maybe one day in the long and distant future that we may or may not see,
(Because change takes a long time and not because we’ll die from misdiagnosis - that’s a bit dramatic,
Although accurate for some unfortunate people)
All of us together, we can make a difference.
This is a fight that I never thought I’d be a part of,
A war I never knew or acknowledged existed,
And one day, I want to say that I haven’t lost every single battle of this never ending war.

It's mind abusing.
I can't stop thinking about it.
It keeps coming into my head.
I try not to let it hurt me,
Because that's what it did too long ago.
It shouldn't still hurt.
There is no reason for it.
It's not like I can change it.
The past has gone and I couldn't have stopped it.
It shouldn't randomly effect me now.
It's all been and gone.
The time that people could sympathise has gone.
It's not like anythings been done.
I should be used to it by now.
I can push it aside.
I passed crying over a year ago.
There's no reason to go back.
Nothing's going on in my life.
I should be sorry for someone else,
But not for myself.

I'm trying to stop
Although kind of, I'm not.
I might want to feel okay today,
Reliving through ways,
It's not harmful they say.
Hiding in your mind until it's okay to come outside
Just for a few seconds at a time,
Yeah I'm sure you think that's fine.

I daydream about living a normal life,
Dramatic yes, but it's what I decide
Even if I don't want it.
I don't want someone I love most to die.
Sometimes I wonder if I can do it,
Stop it.
No don't say that too,
You don't understand it.
If I want something like this falsity I'm immersed in
Then I'll have to live outside of it.

You think it's so easy,
You think it's all right
To keep it
And no I won't give it up -
That's not something that's possible,
It's not something I'm capable truly to fight.
Nothing is ever enough.
I give myself what I want
And what I would hate most:
They are mixed together
But if you wake up in my reality,
Much of that you will not see.

This is for everyone else,
Because finally I'll get this off my chest,
But it will never be out of my system.
This is my apology;
The pain you may never see;
Just me saying sorry for ever single time.
Everyday the rest of you expect communication,
Except you've stopped attempts to seek it from me,
And although some of you make efforts,
It's still just not the same.
I'm separate from all of you.
This is why I'm telling everyone;
I'm sorry I can't speak with you;
I'm sorry when I walk into a room
That you wish I wasn't there;
I'm sorry when you're paired with me
It's such a problem
-I'm just not as fun as the others,
And it's kind of like I'm not there;
I seem to just get in the way,
But everyone's too nice to show it bothers them.

Now here's my attempt to explain,
Or to try and make you almost understand.
It's not that I don't want to talk to you;
Or that I hate everyone here;
And I'm not trying to eavesdrop without giving anything away.
Instead it's as if,
I just can't work the same way you all do.
Sometimes I try to socialise,
And it just doesn't work.
Mostly it's just that,
Me and the rest of us
Have different takes of what that means.
For me, being social
Can just be showing up.
Humans thrive off social interaction,
So obviously I do too,
But for me this is limited,
Because this can just make my life worse.

I see how now everyone is more like one big group,
Which I am not a part of.
I guess I prefer having a few close friends,
Plus after the last group I'm less confident,
And now the aspect's not that bright,
I became a mess.
You all seem to be happy in company,
And then there's just me standing away from it all:
Literally on the sidelines.
If I was like you lot,
I'd just be able to start talking,
And that would be okay,
And maybe I could even be part of the jokes and fun.
This almost happens in one lesson,
But the thing is, those of you in it,
Would still think I never talk in those moments.

Many of you are kind,
And really try to make me feel...
Spoken to.
Maybe less anxious.
Then I get more socially anxious,
Because I don't do enough,
I can't just start talking to you like all of your friends,
So maybe you don't think I appreciate it.
Though you could literally give me one kind glance,
And I'll be amazed and eternally grateful,
As I expect less than that.

So because I cannot speak enough,
My mind doesn't seem strong enough to cope,
And the rest of you think I'm really shy,
I'm saying it here,
One last time:
I'm sorry I don't participate, communicate and socialise like you want,
But I won't tell you it will change,
Because that's not something easily cured,
And this was my apology.

Everything about the future is so different now:
Thinking about the future before,
Used to be like fluffy white clouds,
Hopeful and filled with friends,
Back then, I could never have imagined not having friends
And I'm not even the type of person who's magically friends with everyone,
But I always assumed I'd still have a few,
And then it wouldn't matter so much how many people hated me,
Hypothetically, if anyone even bothered enough to.
I'm not sure they would though,
Because I don't feel like anyone even sees me,
Not anymore, and probably not in the first place,
But I didn't care then, enough to notice.

Convalescence,
How are you?
Better,
But I've been saying it
Since the beginning.
Are the whispers inside true,
That maybe I can finally start to believe it?

What did it take,
Some may innocently wonder.
Patience.
With every single breath I make.
I've been half trying to ignore the improvement,
Fearing one moments notice will
Surely steal it all back.
"No," I whisper alone, "I want to be better."

The other half
Astonished,
I try to be proud for the little things now,
So really I should feel
Amazing.

I swear I do very much venerate all of my achievements,
It was the only way,
That I could continue to survive.

Unequivocally honestly,
I'm afraid.
Scared of it all going wrong again.
Waiting to feel the terror of all the endless times I've tried,
Getting thrown right back in my face again.
Because isn't that what's been destined to happen
From the very start?

I've been having an almost
Two month long rest,
A complete break of everything.
It was only meant to last a month, but after that month had been and gone,
It started to actually feel
A little better, brighter,
Less dark.

I'll admit it,
I'm guilty,
Guilty of getting comfortable with how it started to feel.
I didn't want it ripped away from me,
Please.
I know once it's gone it will be hard as Hell to get back,
I've already been through all that,
I am still.

I want to get back to pushing myself.
(Like this)
I never wanted to stop,
But I had to listen,
My body was screaming at me, for me
To stop.
And this evidence is telling me why I had to listen.
It seems you can't beat your body,
Ever, but especially not when it's fighting for you and against you.

And the symptoms yelled
Please stop, please be still,
Like they wanted me to sleep all day,
But still it will take half-a-year for there to be any difference.
But I waited.
I didn't get any choices.

So now, I'm sorry
It just terrifies me that trying,
When I finally let it be,
Might tear me back down, to where I used to be.
I'm not foolish enough to expect this is the end.
Surely when I try again my symptoms will join in too.
They only started to improve
The more I tried to rest.
Yes, eventually - After a lot of effort I got here,
But you have no idea how I tried.
How I limited my actions,
So in a month maybe it won't be so hard.
Now I'm here, I'm worried my efforts will send me back.
Wasted.
Don't make me go,
I don't want to be useless anymore,
I'm still bad but so much better,
Please don't
Stop me,
Hurt me,
Trip me,
Trap me,
Lose me to my own body.
Not anymore.
I'm still here
Fighting.

It's as if I want to hate you,
And I might even say it to myself.
But at the same time,
I'm saying I love you too much.

Sometimes I'll think that I don't want this pain.
At the same time I'll know that I like it.
I like how it feels,
how it stings,
How it burns.
At least I'm feeling something,
That I think could be love.
But it's only one sided,
So how can I tell.

I'll tell you how it goes.
I love you,
I think of you,
I miss you,
I want to talk to you.
When you don't reply,
Even if you've been online,
About 15 thousand times,
You'll take another 24-48 hours.
Then I want to not like you anymore.
Even though you still haven't done anything.
It just slaps me once again,
That you will never feel the same.
But it can be a nice feeling,
So I cling onto it,
Thinking that it's worth it.
The most it's done for me is cause pain.

But then you're face.
It brightens my day.
But that also makes my heart break.
How many times can a heart be broken?
And this is only by one person,
Who hasn't done anything to break me.

No one can break me.
No ones broken me.
I'm not some object.
I am a real person.
I have real feelings,
But are these real?
Well I don't know.
I haven't had the chance to find out.
If you saw me, the way I see you...
Oh silly me that could never be!

What am I here for?
What do I care?
It's not like I deserve you.
It's not like I've always been there.
If you were by my side, though,
And you needed me,
Then I would bow down to your feet.
No, not literally.
But I would be there.
I would help.
I would do whatever I could.
You should realise that.
I bet you know.

None of that,
none of this.
Could possibly change any given thing.
I know I can't just write,
And make you feel things.
I know I can't just love,
And expect the same from you.
I don't.
I won't.
Oh, and you never will.
Basically, what I'm saying is:
You feel how you feel.
This is what it is.
This is not what it's not.

You and me.
We seem to be two different things.
Regardless of this,
I continue to dream.
I don't expect you to change your view.
I know how you feel about me.
You know how I feel about you.
Now there's not much left to say or do.
I'll just keep myself here.
Apparently this is what I do.
I sit here,
I sit here.
And I wait for you.

No matter how loud I have the music blaring,
It doesn't work.
I'm not at all aggressive,
Yet I have so many thoughts.
I would never do anything,
But I feel like smashing their skull into thousands of tiny pieces.
And you don't need to worry,
There's only this one person who fills me with so much hatred.
They're the one and only exception.
I know it's not worth it,
You don't have to tell me a million more times.
Over two years and this is still all too much.
No matter where they are,
It is like they're still here.
It's as if they're etched into my brain,
So now I can't have normal thoughts.
I'm sick and tired of so many things,
That are just silently going on.

No dad, no hassle.
No parental battle.
I guess this should be a good thing.
It's not like it's ever bothered me.
Except that it has,
But depending when you ask,
It doesn't anymore.
I'm completely fine.
I'll continue my life.
Nothing, nothing has changed.
I've managed without,
So why would I need?
Why would I want?
But sometimes I can't make up my mind.
So I do nothing to it.
It's the only thing that's safe.
Because once you've done something,
There's no going back.
Why give it the chance to effect me?
I don't want you.
Don't want to know you.
You don't even want to know me.
You're not my dad,
Barely a father.
To be a dad you have to stick around,
But you were never there to begin with.
Other daughters and fathers bond,
But I wouldn't want to with you.
You're the wrong type of person anyway.
Even though, I've seen some of your Facebook posts.
One I found very ironic.
And too much time has gone since I was born.
I bet you don't know I'm fifteen.
You've probably forgotten about your unknown daughters.
And why wouldn't you?
Funny, you don't know I exist.
But this poem, I wrote about you.

Sometimes I miss it
But I know it's a bad thing,
Destructive, deceitful and sometimes even
Deadly

And I've secretly been planning,
All of this time,
To go back to it,
In a way that no one will notice,
So that I can get away with it
Without hurting anyone for a little bit,
Only that can't happen now.
Plans have changed so that
I'll never be able to hide it,
And I don't want to feel the shame
When people find out.

More still,
They'll send me to more counselling,
Maybe they'll be more intense this time,
If I did it properly, perhaps they'd send me away,
Sometimes I think I don't
want to ever leave my house again.

I know what they would all be thinking,
See we knew it,
She's completely ******* up there,
That's why her body doesn't work properly,
We told you there is nothing physically!

I shouldn't be admitting it.
None of this,
But really it started with a question
To myself:
Is this a relapse?
Of course not!
You see, I don't do that!
Although, I'm not sure if you're aware,
But I never really tell myself
That I've had a relapse,
Unless it's the good kind.

And that makes me sound sick.
There is no good kind,
It's just the one I'd rather be found doing,
Except I wouldn't.
I never want you to hear me gagging, crying, frantically getting rid of the evidence in the bathroom.
And if you insinuate this at any other time,
I'll sound surprised and maybe even offended,
It's all a lie.
No one knows about all those times,
Not too many, but still,
It is still my secret,
That sometimes I wonder if I'll accidentally take to
The grave, my eventual grave.

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

Everyone needs to find their way,
Through the screams and the cries,
The silence and the goodbyes,
It may seem like I'm talking straight into walls sometimes:
I just need something to lean on,
Something to steady me while I'm still awake.

I try to find comfort in people I've never met,
Things that also can never really help me,
Not physically bad things though,
So people never see my heartache as strong enough,
It's just time to find a willow tree to weep and wallow under.

These things and these people,
I guess I'm naturally inclined to grasp to,
Except in this world nothing is perfect
Because that's reserved for earned peace with God
So here we get things we don't deserve,
Because perfection's what we crave we pretend it exists
In these things, these ways, these people.

But people (and things, methods) they let you down,
And they don't have to be sorry,
Repentance to other human beings doesn't change anything,
Especially when they continue with the same cruel things,
Even though they know they are unforgivable.

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

People can always let you down,
I don't like saying it
Even if you don't quite believe it
But they have let me down,
And still I keep on going,
Letting it happen again,
But people deserve forgiveness
And not to be judged by actions they didn't commit.
One mans sins are not all of his generations.

It's easier to hope that people can change
When you have never been around them,
Yet are still too emotionally connected
To join the others in their march of distaste.
I know I partly agree with them,
But I wouldn't go that far,
I wouldn't wish someone dead
I hope no matter what they've done.

Then there's that someone that you know,
Whose done things that are far more innocent,
But you can't bare to think about it
So you go to what you can handle,
Back to those things that steady you,
Just as you feel you're falling.
Then you sit there as you're crying,
Or maybe not at all but the silence is still painful
And you realise you're left with nothing at all.

Many times I feel there's nothing left,
That can make this all go away,
No clean slate,
Sometimes I have thought I'd lost my way,
Then I was shown it again
Except I don't want to follow,
I'd rather just pause,
I may not cry that much
But I don't need to
Just to know that this can really **** hurt.

There's nothing but just one day left.
By then I have to be over him.
I know that it makes no sense,
But nothing ever makes sense.
Maybe what I'm really longing for is someone who will do that.
Someone to make sense with,
Other than my best friend.
How do you get over someone in one day,
When you've had a senseless crush on them for a year?
There's not much attracting me to them,
There's just thoughts of my imagination and he's there to fill the place.
I can't keep doing this,
But I just can't stop.
Something not even a slap around the face could solve.
I may as well dive into ice cold water,
Knowing I have no towel.
That's what it's like falling for him.
However I managed to get myself into such a state,
That it's not even him I like anymore.
And I tried so hard to prevent this,
Yet I'm sure it's still happened.
I have one more day to convince myself it's not worth it.
That I already know.
I just can't control my thoughts,
And lately it's been making me feel so crazy on top of everything else.
I'm not sure what to do now,
But breathe,
Just breathe and hope for something.
So many things going on in my head.
Just forget these feelings.
What was never here needs to leave my mind.
I feel so stupid and I feel mental.
Is there anybody who knows the answer?
I've been searching and I can't find it anywhere.

Pity love,

Is the love you give me.

The only reason of your love,

Is out of pity.

I hope it's not true,

Because I'd like to think,

You don't see reason to pity me.

I don't want to be,

Your pity love.

I want you to have proper reasons,

And I want to be,

Your one true love.

Come and take me,
My misery's attacking me,
You don't have to save it,
Just destroy it so it's gone.
I look at myself and think,
I should just purposely ***** up more.
If it's easy for life to **** me up,
Then surely I get to go further.

Nothing's okay,
There's just always a facade,
To satisfy the rules,
Because the world will keep turning either way.
Of course I'm not going to sit and complain,
Vocally every second of the day.
When I'm socially active around others,
What they see is normal,
For me at least,
Even if in the background I hear screaming,
Of my thoughts never sorting themselves out,
So instead I welcome more:
Everything that eventually "left me",
Why don't you come back for some more?
If destruction's where life is taking me,
Then why shouldn't I join in,
Just another bad habit,
Won't bring the end that closer,
If anything it will make myself see,
How much I know this is getting,
Too tough for me to be.

I know how I'm acting,
Even if you do not,
I know I contradict myself,
I can't just tell you the truth,
I need to do what it is I want to prove,
Although that disproves what I assure you,
By about a thousand degrees,
From before I hear my own last screams,
As I once again ignore my very own beliefs.

Never going back,
They're so sure that's the truth,
Most of the time I have been too,
I know how to convince,
After I finally gained trust back.
The issues are almost irrelevant to me,
Because I've taken to just concentrating,
On exactly what I'm doing now,
Because I gave up the effort of relying on the aftermath.
I know the next time,
That this comes to light,
It will probably just be even worse,
Maybe it's half why I need my secrets,
To pretend they don't happen,
That they don't matter,
Because I'm back to believing that's true.

Don't save it,
Just take it.
I'm finished with trying to preserve it,
I've found there's no use,
While looking for something else without a clue,
Because everything's just impossible,
And I don't want to have to,
Get to where I cannot reach,
Maybe other people do see things in me,
Although I'm often self-positive,
In general terms,
I still don't see the point in being,
When I show up places,
It's not like I have a choice,
I've just always mostly been obedient,
If you dismiss the scratches I have made,
They won't forget the indentations,
Because they felt it too,
They felt me drop, crack, break and watched me,
Pick myself back up again,
So going back downstairs is silent,
Avoiding the inevitable from happening a second time:
Prolonging my pain,
Deafening this angry silence from them,
To lengthen out the disappointment,
They must one day receive.

I had just said how I
Don't want to go outside again,
(That means existing)
And then I realised
My body said no too.
At times like this I can't even get to my room.
Almost like my failure
Is flashing up in lights.

Avoidance is okay if,
It's the only thing you can physically do.
Sometimes I start to wonder
If I should say thank you.

Sometimes I'm allowed to eat and it not mean anything.
It can just be food,
Not a definition of unhealthy, healthy, too much, too little.
There doesn't have to be laughing voices
Around the corner of my brain.
I can surely watch the TV without feeling guilty.
Not everything needs to be labelled:
Food can simply be consumed without questioning if it is right;
If it's a bad habit, if I should put up a fight; stop right now; or if regret should take the foods empty place on the plate.
Because it can be okay,
Not questioning is supposed to be positive normality
And if it strays, then it will still be all right to realise that whatever has happened is fine.

There's plenty reasons

You'll never love me

My body is one

It's far from the best

It's one of the worst

Also I'm not pretty

All the other girls are

I'm not very clever

Not compared to you

I'm just average

I don't stand out

I have loads of spots

That not even make up

Can cover up

I'm not at all popular

Not many people like me

They'd rather spend their time

Making fun of me

I'm not very tanned

Instead very pale

And everyone likes tanned skin

With slim bodies to match

We both know I have none of that

My eyes aren't perfect

So don't look too close

My personality doesn't stand out

I can be very quiet

Or at times very loud

Loose strands in my hair

Fly everywhere

Loads of split ends

You are just my friend

I'm stuck in the friend zone

I don't like myself

So I don't know how you'd cope

I'm lucky to have you

Just as a friend

But I can't help wanting more than that

So reasons why you'll never love me

There's more than a few

Those are some of them

But don't worry there's more too

When you realise that everyone else’s poetry is amazing,
And yours is of course just **** mixed into a muddy puddle,
Because you defy the teachers,
You do it your way,
Without making sure to use all those literate techniques,
After all, this isn’t Romeo and Juliet.