what does it truly mean to "be lucky"

we determine how every aspect of our life plays out.
our successes and failures
alike.

whether that means bottomless sums of money or
life spent on the cement corner.

content and joyous or
a constant sense of numbness like your heart is filled with
anesthetic.

visualize, motivate,
and it shall be.
*******, luck doesn't exist.

They say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”.
The metaphorical epitome of health resting on a single fruit.
A single object.
A single piece.
A single phrase.
Everything relies on something simple.
Everything can be changed with something simple.

A life can be saved with a word.
A hand.
A smile.

But why is it that when we need, just this one apple, this one simple object to change everything, it is not there?

On the uplifting days we have a supply of apples readily available, yet on these days,
When the rays of sun are purely darkness, and we dance with the devil contained inside our head, these apples have vanished.

You reach out searching, you try to create your own, you force it. Nothing Works.

You can’t stay away from that doctor, you can’t stay away from that darkness.

You are engulfed, thinking maybe through the blindness you can still obtain the answer.
The Cure.
You’re Wrong.
You’re Trapped.
You Have Nothing To Stop It.

It’s just a simple fruit, but it is one that you can’t have.

if; all that glitters is not gold,
how come my mind and brain
deceive me?

what differentiates between reality,
and fantasty?

what if because it glitters,
i wish for it to be gold?

who decides that gold is valuable,
and glitter belongs to the
depraved?

Me? You? Society?

Me.

words are arbitrary,
each and everyone of us assigns our own meaning to
everything we encounter.

so why follow the definitions that others set?

two roads may diverge in a yellow wood,
but that doesn't mean you need to take
either path.

you were given two hands
to pave your own way.

problems are everywhere,
pain is everything,
build a bridge
and take step by step

until you're over it.

throw yourself into a grocery cart
and push
push through it.

until you reach the other side.

trauma hurts,
but standing in the same spot
unaffected, letting knowledge pass you by
like cars on a freeway
causes more pain than trauma.

look to your left
your right

this bridge is made to fit more than one person,
you're not alone.
it's built to hold
everyone.

you just have to recognize that
they're there.

confidence is simply just an outbluf F
take a step back,
gain control. hijack. break life down into pieces like a haik U
it's just a game,
enter your brain. a well-trained psychi C
bend the rules,
quite easy to be a fool. life is a storyboo K
and you are the author.

because no one else can see,
the pencil knows,
and
the paper will listen.

your pain may not heal,
too drained to feel,

but life drags on.

your heart may ache,
in part for someone you just can't shake,

but life drags on.

but don't yet give up
for what a gift it is to live, buttercup.

D reams are more existent than reality
E ach of us experiences more pain than happiness
A ll trauma is equal
T raumatic experiences are more important than joyous ones
H ealing is inevitable, and yet impossible.

we all have a path
me & you, our path
paved with each step we took,
hand in hand

i thought we were civil,
but you took your fist and created a rift
in our ocean
ripple after ripple

stolen emotion from my heart
crippled in your freezing hand.

i thought you were electric,
majestic,
authentic,

turns out you're just
path-etic.

i gave it all for you,
all the time, all the energy, all the love
every ******' dime, every **** worry,
above all else.

nothin' but a waste,
you never wanted any space,
so I held on tight,
avoided every fight,

held a light to brighten every room you entered
watched you bloom as I slowly withered

and in return i got:

a burning fire scorching me with every touch,
a broken heart
yearning for the reciprocation of love.

meaningless emotion,
effortless promises,

stab after stab,
it's my fault, you whisper to me,
as the knife jabs

blood pours out into a cup,
for you, I say.

why do i care?


because i can't bear the thought,
of others feeling pain.

it feigns empathy,
and yet is so much more deadly.

i drew a shield around you,
my heart
taking the blow of every shot,
your brown-eyed counterpart.

i told myself it was for you,
and you were worth it all.

but in the end, after taking each and every hit
i could do nothing but quit and
fall.

you’re happy,
until you’re not.
you want to breathe,
until you don’t.

we come out of the womb,
innocent, joyful, excited for the prospects
Of a whole new world.

But it only goes downhill from there.

we experience:
loss, trauma, pain, depression.

you’re enamored,
until the true feeling of life sets in.
you want to live everyday over and over,
until your days are filled with more agony than happiness.

we begin life with a fresh, clean plate.
and each day we live, this plate is sullied.
sullied with the pain we experienced that day.
we try to scrub it off, but no matter how much you work at it, there will always be remnants.
you may ask, what about the joy?
the joy,
that gets covered up by the stains of pain,
As if it had never happened in the first place.

you’re curious,
until you don’t care anymore
you’re getting through, day by day
until you just can’t anymore.

breathe in,
breathe out

let the gust of air brush against your lips,
as you contemplate how
meaningless
it all is.

breathe in,
breathe out

let the world melt away,
because it all means nothing
anyway.

breathe in,
breathe out

let the thoughts take control,
cause you were never really,
in charge.

breathe in,
breathe out

death is cruel,
but i guess...
so is life.

breathe in.

chained around the wrist,
bound with thoughts and regrets
you can't break them without breaking yourself.

there's no escape for you.

a light flickering in the corner of the dark cell,
a shadow appears in the doorway.

"Time", they say

"Time?", you ask, "how is time going to help me?"

sure enough, as the days pass, the flicker turns into an intense flame.
the whole room, illuminated with light.
the chains slowly deteriorate, until nothing is left besides
the clanging of metal within your mind.

you're free.

you stand up to move, but you're frozen.
your hands aren't bound but they're still stuck together like two lovers refusing to even coming up for air.

"why can't i move?" you whisper softly,
the shadow speaks one last time, "only you can decide when you're ready."

Love is a trick,
a facade, a mirage,
Love is a poisoned apple,
sweeter and sweeter with every bite,
and before you know it,

you're dead.

Love is a rope,
strings and strings tied together,
growing tighter
constricting like a snake, until you can't breathe.

Love is a door,
being pounded on,
screaming "Open Up",
over and over.

Until you just can't scream anymore.

Love trickles,
droplets of rain,
washing down through the sewers,
simply a drink for the rats.

Love is the tick of a clock,
tick, tick, tick,
stopping time, making a minute feel like eternity,
making a day feel like a second.

Love is a trick,
but Love is everything.

it starts with a simple drop.
drip, drip, drip
the light fades deeper within the shadows
close your eyes,

now open, they’re blurred.
your lungs are filled with everything you lost,
that which you long for,
your hope slips away, floats to the surface like bubbles.
you’re drowning.

the body is lost,
voice is nothing but an echo,
replay the memories until they
fade,
until it’s all turned to dust.

infected from head to toe,
it spreads
poisoning
your movements
thoughts

slowly
takes your life
rips it seam by seam
until there's nothing left,
but a string.

forces you into loneliness,
exiles you from your own life,
leaving you with nothing,
nothing but a shell of who you were.

memories are used as weapons,
torturing you with thoughts.

all that you had left is turned against you as if you're deserving of simply nothing.

because that is what this disease does.
it forces you to feel like
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
until you accept that it as truth.

but you can't, the only cure is to rip through the mirage.
you can't submiss to the negative,
when you can create positive.

you may left in pieces,
but everything is formed with pieces.
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g
Pieces are everything.

Crystal eyes as the waves crash,
the liquid golden sky shines to form your smile.

Your laugh radiates warmth as the waves splash
laying there with you, makes life all worthwhile.

The butterflies in your eyes,
fluttering just as fast as my ever-so beating heart.

We melt into the sky,
begging to never have to spend a day apart.

Take the jump into the ocean,
and we'll forget everything besides us.

Let the love wash over you, like a potion.
Everything besides us is simply superfluous.

Don't let these waves ever disappear,
this is the only place I want to be, and that is ever so clear.

lightning is important.
                                                                                                                 age 4:
i watched you fall lifeless right in front of me,
the lightning and rain outside shines through the windows,
your eyes go black,
body completely still,
my oldest sister,
my second mother,
taken from me.

i cried, screamed, begged for you to come back.
no reply.

i stood as your body was taken away,
buried,
taken out of sight
for eternity.

                                                               ­                                                age 12:
torn apart.
it took 8 years to divide us,
but the strike of the lightning
cut layers deep,
it was permanent.

family is something that should be held sacred,
but it had been 8 years since we were a family.

now we would have to be two families.
                                                                ­                                               age 18:
i get a call.

drive through the rain and lightning,
only to see you were already gone.
another life in front of my eyes, taken.
another body that would soon leave my sight,
and never return.

My hero.
Dad,
i wish i knew,
i wish i had done more,
i wish i could stop wishing and just do it.

we all begged once again,
come back.
why.

Why.
                                                                ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                   now:
i watch the lightning outside my window,
the flash shows strength.

the strength you must show everyone,
you must use to protect everyone.

but when you live for everyone else
and everyone is gone,
who is left to live for.

you.
how do you learn to live for yourself,
you've never done this.

you have to try,
otherwise you won't be
living.

Watch the lighting:
imitate the strength,
the power,
the force,
the persistence,
nothing stands in the way.

you got this.

Run
                                                             ­                                          we can't fly
Speak
                                                       ­                                 we can't be invisible
Write
                                                 ­                                   we can't stop thinking
Do it.
                                                                ­               we don't live for eternity.

watch the water crash,
the wave slowly crawling up to the tips of your toes,
begging for it just stop,
slow down,

wanting to turn around,
run away from the drips of crystal
but you're froze.

Muscles fight your thoughts,
a civil war within your shaking body,
grasped by the deep tremors.

The pain is just temporary,
but there's nothing more scary.

Water rises higher and higher,
your desperate thoughts turn to
screams.

why even try,
nothing can stop the persistent tide.

you just have to watch,
as it consumes you whole,
poisoning you from the bottom
slowing rising all the way to the shadows in your head.

You did all you could,
besides run.

which you've refused to do.

Throw ourselves into darkness,
Trust that we'll end up in the light,

In a land,
where blood from the bullet holes in our head turn to confetti,
and faded smiles are replaced with a temporary burst of joy.

Into the Rabbit Hole we go,
another escape, a way out,
even if we know it won't last.

Our wildest fantasies turn to reality and
reality fades to nothing but a dream.

Our scars dissipate,
replaced with sparkling images of strength,

Our fears morph into our best friends.

You reach a new level of euphoria,
a new form of happiness,
never before experienced.

It can't end,
you won't let it,

just let go,
Wonderland Lasts Forever.

There’s nothing left worth fighting for,
Lower your ****** fists,
Scraped and scratched over nothing but a thought,

Admit it’s all for nothing
Just let it go,
JUST BREATHE.

But you still choke,
Nothing but air fills your throat and lungs,
The air slowly piles out and your lung collapses,
Your heart is the next to follow,

Crushed,
Beaten,
Empty,

You think you’re close to the end,
To winning,
To letting it all go,

But as your eyes pan up,
You see the brick wall in front of you,
Not a single chip in it.
done.

no one knows
Of the demons that plague your mind
Taking a strong grasp over you every day
Stripping you of your happiness and using it to simply grow stronger.

No one knows
that you hide behind a smile,
a normalized sense of humor that just screams
“Everything is OK, I’m OK”.

No One knows
that you’ve lost who you are and
the search to find him is like searching for a fish in an ever-expanding ocean.
You don’t want to be yourself,
You want to be changed, someone else.
You want to beat yourself,
You want to be beaten, bruised,
to prove for once you’re not weak,  
because that’s all the demons scream in your head.
“You’re Not Good Enough”

No One Knows
All you want is a way out,
A way to escape this labyrinth,
But the pain from searching for a way out only gets worse
With each passing day.
And as you search, the demons chase you down,
You yell at them, “Just Let Me Be Happy”, and they say back: “but,
you created us.”

NO ONE KNOWS,
NO ONE ******* KNOWS.
because they can’t.

Who decides what’s right and what’s wrong?
How do we distinguish what to do in a tough situation?
Morality?
Logic?
Heart?
Brain?

Overwhelmed as our brain floods with water,
Mixing the black and white
Into a gray,
We can’t find the answer
Because there simply is no answer.

Everything is just gray.

We blindly choose,
Hoping for the best,
But little to our knowledge,
Based of this choice
A ripple begins,
And slowly spreads through the pond of our life,

Simply growing larger
And larger
Spreading further
And further,
An unstoppable force,
Continually altering,
more and more

Until the whole pond becomes
Gray.

Hop in,
Let’s go,
Get me out.
Let’s get away.

We zone and gas it,
The time slips by like water down a drain,
Loud silence fills the empty air at times,
Followed by off-key shouts along with the current song,

We all just need a way out,
A temporary place to hide,
We go not to be alone,
But to be
Alone Together.

Emptiness,
Numbness,
Loneliness,

A wave of heat rushes through your heart,
Like electricity through a power surge.
It grabs ahold of your body,
Like a demon possessing your being

Heart pounds,
Harder and harder,
Louder and louder,
Faster and faster,

You’re desperate,
Searching for a way to rid yourself of this feeling,
Anything for a way out.

What did you do that was so wrong?
Why are you so forgiving when it is not reciprocated?

The heat begins scorching your heart,
You feel the aching pain and it overpowers you
You grow darker and darker,
The heat is so powerful it leaves permanent burn marks,
It’s too much to handle,
The darkness must be stopped it before it takes full control.

You finally give in:
I’m Sorry

Some of us dream, simply for rest
Others dream for an escape.

An escape from reality:
Our fears,
Our stresses,
Our problems.

A way out, always accessible, always helpful.

Until that from which you are escaping is so heavy,
It follows you.
In reality, and in your dream world.

Where do you escape to then?
You’re trapped.
Where do you run,
When you no longer have anywhere to run.

Constantly tormented,
A dark shadow following your every footstep.
So powerful, it is still right behind you in your dreams.

That is when our minds begin to wither.
We depress and submiss
There is nowhere left to hide from these demons.
We are left with one option:
To Fight.

I’m done.

Slice me and pour out the blood.
Beat me, thud after thud
Numb to the pain.
Filled with disdain

Take a deep breath as it continues and you can’t feel a thing.

I could care less if someone jumped me. Beat me, take everything, just make it all stop.

A whole wave of nothingness grabs ahold of me.
Why do I feel so terrible?
What have I done that is so terrible?
I just want it to stop.
**** THIS.

I’m done.

I miss you.
Someone cares.
You’re wanted.
I need you.
You’re valued.
The broken pieces mend together,

Does needing to hear those words make you weak-minded?
It may be there, but why must you hear it?
Doubt
Fear
Insecurity
It can all be washed away with those few words.
Only momentarily.
For those brief few minutes it is all taken away,
All the bad thoughts, all the darkness swallowed by the shine of those words

Until it returns.

Darkness always falls.
The sun always comes up.
The thoughts are always there.
But so is the knowledge that you are wrong.

Take away my self-awareness, take away my ability to feel.
Jealousy
Anger
Weakness
Take it all away.
Even if I’m taken away with it.

I miss being praised.
Is that narcissistic? Selfish? Self-Obsessed?

No matter how much things may improve, the lack of a constant reassurance that used to exist leaves a gaping hole of insecurity.

You may improve yourself, get better, but if someone is not telling you that you are, have you actually improved? Are you truly getting better?

If progress is based off your own assessment isn’t that biased?

I Give Up.

You open the door. The fresh wind gusts through the door, your face flushes the burst of air overwhelming you.

There stands a silhouette, a familiar scent rushes through and a presence that brings warmth. Yet you still cannot identify that which stands before you.

The forefront of your mind screams. You know this. You want this. Just Think.

No matter how fast your brain processes, you cannot find the answer within this sea of emptiness.

You give up. Instead, you reach out. Grab ahold of the figure, then you’ll know.

You close your eyes and extend your hand. You grab ahold. Until you realize, you’re holding on to nothing. The figure has vanished and you’re alone.

A light shines down as you peer through the door only to see a mirror. You see yourself: mangled, unruly, changed, angry, upset. Not the same. Not good enough.

You want to slam your hands against his chest. Bruise his face, break him down because he allowed himself to break down. But yet, at the same time, you yourself cannot find the strength to fight.

You still push forward. You shove him back, throw a right hook, knock him down, kick him.

You continue to beat on him, but he is silent. Taking every punch, every kick, every bruise, every broken bone. Not even a single flinch.

He slowly stands up, awaiting more, begging. He finally utters two single words,

“Keep going”.

A second rush comes over you, you pick him up and throw him to the ground. Stomp on his chest, he’s spitting blood, but you keep going. Not because you have anger left, but because he wants it.

You want to prove you have strength. You want to prove you can do this. You want to prove you can beat your demons, even if they are yourself.

He’s finally had enough.

He lay there, ******, defeated. You look up, close your eyes, open them.

You look down, and the broken body is gone. Instead there’s a mirror. You take a hard look. Once again you just see a dark figure, but you look past that. You see yourself. This time a reflection.

You have a black eye, bloodied face, lost teeth. You lift up your shirt to see bruised ribs.

This whole time you were attempting to fight your demon, your demon that was begging for more, you were beating on yourself. No restraint, no mercy, pure enjoyment.

You just want to feel strong, to feel worthy, to feel good enough.
But you’re not.

How could you be?

How could you be good enough for someone else when you’re not even good enough for yourself.

You’re weak. You’re scrawny. You cannot protect yourself, let alone anyone else.

You are nothing,
but a joke.

*******.

I can’t.
I can’t take this,
I can’t feel good,
I won’t be good,
It’s never enough.

I jump in, and swim till I drown
I slice my wrists, I pour out the blood till I’m empty
I hold on till my fingers refuse to uncurl
I drive not only till the car runs out of gas, but piece by piece it begins to fall apart

just like me.
I’m falling apart, waiting for someone to piece me back together.
I gather the pieces myself, but my glue isn’t enough.
I need something stronger, I need to be someone stronger.

I want someone to tell me I’m enough. I want to feel needed.
I self-loathe, I self-pity, I hide behind a false sense of humor and confidence.
Underneath it all is nothing.
Complete, utter emptiness.
We say we’re empty, numb, but what does that mean?
We all feel, whether it be purely happiness or hurt, regardless of how numb.

Emptiness is not simply feeling nothing. It’s feeling as if you’re nothing.

Get the **** up.

You lay on the ground, self pitying, wondering why you are so helpless and weak.

Get The **** up.

You want to be worth something. You want to feel strong. You want for someone to truly believe you’re good enough.

Get The **** up.

But you’re not. You cannot be. You wish you could be different. In a different body, a different soul, a different life. But you’re you.

Get The **** Up.

Why the **** can’t I just be good enough. Why the **** do I always feel like I’m too weak, there’s someone better, I’m not deserving. Why won’t I stop self pitying.

GET THE **** UP.

I want someone to beat me. I want someone to give me a black eye, kick me while I’m down. Maybe then I’ll feel strong.