I lost years to you
Submitted my soul from the start
I bowed down to you
I served you till my fingers bled
I followed you everywhere you went

I lost years to you
Thinking this is all I'd ever get
Thinking that without you I'd be be worthless
Until the day I gathered up my courage and left

Today I decide to believe
I believe in my undying beauty
Today I choose to be self encouraging
This epic beauty is undying

I am Jane Doe
My identity is unknown
I am a face without a name
A pile of mysterious bones

I won the war
You asked if I was proud
I could never feel pride
For having to fight
In the first place
I won the war
I'm left with the thought
What were we even fighting for?

I was once a girl
Until my thighs were covered in blood
A woman had possessed me
Filling me with adulthood pressure
I was once a girl
Until one day I found that I wasn't

This type of miracle
Is a rare occurrence

This type of love
Is a once in a lifetime moment

This type of feeling
Is a momentous experience

This type of miracle
Is a rare occurrence

Please close your eyes when you look at me
Pretend for one moment that I am someone else

I listen to Ani DiFranco  
When I want to be inspired
She fills my tortured soul
With lyrical fire

I listen to Ani DiFranco
When I want to hear wisdom
Any given song
Is a musical politics lesson

I listen to Ani DiFranco
When I want to be inspired
She fills my poetic soul
With lyrical fire

I don't hate men
No, not at all

I am simply aware
Of what they are capable of

I don't hate men
That would not be fair

But neither is the act
Of *** without consent

When I was eleven
My teacher asked me a question

What do you want to be when you grow up ?

I said,
I want to be a poet
I want to create words out of nothing

I was already a poet
I did not realise
That I had always been

You begged me to stay
So I stayed

You begged me to change
So I changed

You begged me to smile
So I smiled

If I beg you to die
Will you die?

I don't want to win
I want to live
In a world where winning doesn't matter

What is this competition
That I did not sign up for?

I don't want to win
I want to live
In a world where winning doesn't matter

Let me tell you a story
Of a poet who forget her words
To tell you that this was debilitating
Would
Be
An
Absolute

U
N
D
E
R
S
T
A
T
E
M
E
N
T

I saw myself today
It was a startling sight
It takes bravery to look one in the eye

I've spent years rewiring a brain
Trained to believe it was ugly
So to see me as utterly beautiful

Was progress like I've never seen

the more you bleed
the deeper the passion
so
i
severed
your
jugular
and soaked myself in our crimson romance

I crept into your room last night
I left holding a secret
Between
My
Thighs

if.
you.
ever.
touch.
me.
again.
i.
will.
rip.
off.
your.
*****.
with.
my.
TEETH

this monologue is getting repetitive
and
rather


lonely.

god
must have been
drunk
when he decided to create you
it's the only explanation
for
your
vile
existence

*****
no
amount
of
makeup
can
hide
that
toxicity

magic.
the very first breath of a brand new baby

magic.
the unsuspecting kiss from a teenage crush

magic.
walking down that isle towards your forever person

magic.
front stage at the concert of your favourite musician

magic.
the moment you discover that you are a poet

If I keep saying sorry
Will it lessen the pain?
Will it soften the blow?

If I keep saying sorry
Will it make it feel better?
Will it make the scene change?

If I keep saying sorry
Will I turn into the good guy?
Will it make you stop crying?

If I keep saying sorry
Will it repair this carnage?
Will it clean up this mess?

pain is a strange phenomenon
i hate it when it happens
but after it passes
it becomes the most useful learning tool

I never asked to be your victim
You made me into one
Without asking for my permission

I never asked to be the subject
Of this endless torment
Of this ceaseless disrespect

I never asked but here I am
******* in your rancid *******
Following your putrid commands

I never asked to be your victim
You forced me into one
I promise myself that I will find a way out

how well do you really know me?
if you pull back all the layers
if you strip me down to the basics
will you recognise the core?

how well do i really know you?
if i use this rusty scalpel
if i dissect the depths of your soul
will i be shocked at what i find?

how well do we really know each other?
if we pull back the covers
will we only discover
that we are just perfect strangers?

I am not Cinderella
There is no glass slipper on my feet
I don't need no Prince Charming
I am already complete

My story is no fairy tale
This does not end the way you think
Reality is harsher than fiction
Good guys don't always win

I am not Cinderella
I traded my ball gown for ripped jeans
I don't need no Prince Charming
I am already Queen

is
my
feminism
measured
by
your
misogyny?

do
you
see
the
patriarchy
that
is
trying
to
escape
me?

I was raised by a pack of male wolves

Who taught me their version of womanhood

They called me Little Red Riding Hood
Handed me a cape
They told me to run through the woods
So I did.

When I got to the house of safety
And found a wolf hiding there
I thought he was my family
So I was not scared
When his paws were on my body and I dissolved into nothingness

I was raised by a pack of wolves
Who never bothered to tell me
I was one myself

what happens when we die?
i don't think i really want to know the answer

what happens when we fail to live?
i have always known that answer

why are you still here?
is
it
because
you have nowhere else to go ?

i will never forget the year 2020
when one little disease turned the world into a frenzy

i saw people fight over toilet paper
it seemed like my life had been changed forever

i will never forget the year 2020
it was the wake up call we had never been expecting

Guess who I saw today?
Myself.
In you.

I wonder if today you saw
Yourself.
In me.

in 1996
when i was seven years old
my father introduced me to my first ever search engine
he told me i could
search
for anything i wanted
anything at all
so
i
typed
in
dolls

I was born in the eighties
I grew up in the nineties
I became an adult in the noughties
The
Rest
Is
History

I haven't been able to recognise myself for a long time

The mirror is no longer my friend as I got tired of looking at a stranger

Today I looked in the mirror and I finally recognised my reflection

I recognised myself but My God, I did not like what I saw

I wish I could go back in time and be who I was before

I only come out at night
When the monsters roam
You ask me why I live so dangerously
Why I risk my life, my safety
My dear,
Did you never realise?
The scariest monster is me

I can keep dreaming, hoping, praying for your demise

Or I can start scheming, planning acting out my revenge

Dear ******,
I made this lovely coffin
Lined with beautiful red satin
I crafted it perfectly
Handmade especially for you
I know you didn't ask for it
But neither did I
So what do you say,
Fancy a nap?

I wonder where you go
When you are gone
All
I
Know
Is
That
You
Are
Not
Here

I want to know his story
The history written in his story
I want to know the layers
That make up the whole
I want to know each chapter
I want to meet each character
Tell me the history in his story

I am not perfect
I am an imperfect mess
These flaws make me, me

I am not perfect
I will never try to be
Perfect is a lie

I am not perfect
I love my imperfections
Who wants to be perfect?

You have the power to ****
I have the power to birth your babies
First prize goes to me

He lathered me up so well
I didn't know the soap was lies
So even though I felt clean
It was all a cruel disguise

I am a diamond that fell off a ring
I am lost but I know my value
I am broken but I know my worth
I am a diamond that has never been worn
I am yet to be adored but I will never stop shining

I sit in regret
This terrible sin killed him
Alas, I'm dead too

I know that I took a switch blade and cut a hole in the fabric of your heart

I know that I have no right to ask for the forgiveness to patch it up

I know that you no longer recognise me and that I no longer recognise myself

I know that I took our Heaven and turned it into Hell

I know that when you touch me, in your mind you see me touching him

I know that I will pay dearly for this sin

you told me this cage was a palace
you told me I was lucky to be in a place so luxurious
with beautiful bars to grip and look out through

you told me the people walking outside were the prisoners
you told me that freedom is poison
you kept feeding me stale bread reminding me how miserable they were with their champagne and cavier

i kept looking out at the ocean and wondered what it would feel like to swim beneath it's depths
you caught my gaze and promised me that the ocean would only drown me

you told me this cage was a palace
that i was outrageously lucky
so, why did you never call me your queen?
why did you never join me in this so called luxury?

He ripped off my clothes
It's the way life goes
Those who have the power
Will naturally wield it

When he finally had me naked
He found I wore a chastity belt
Alas, he had no key
I was smart enough to swallow it

So he never got inside me
The way that he had planned
Those who have the power
Don't always have the upper hand

i slammed on the brake
a second too late
and i crashed head first
into
my
biggest
mistake

i wonder
if
you
ever
noticed
the
space in my heart that i left for you