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in 1996
when i was seven years old
my father introduced me to my first ever search engine
he told me i could
search
for anything i wanted
anything at all
so
i
typed
in
dolls
my first experience with a search engine
my face is shaped like a miracle
my voice sounds like pouring coffee
my touch feels like melted chocolate
my hair smells like all of your ex girlfriends rolled in one
my skin tastes like new beginnings
new beginnings
7 things to say at the end of a life
I love you
I know you
I'll remember you
I hate you
I abandoned you
You are nothing
Who am I?
who am i?
i was standing at the edge of a very long fall
only to find i never existed at all
In the whole time I experienced you

It all comes down to this main truth

Fourteen-year-old girls

Should not feel the hell

That comes from getting in that car

Driven by that older man

Who knew better than to let it get that far


So then years later,

That girl can hate

Every single man

Who didn’t treat her right


It’s a painful sight

A beautiful woman,

Losing her pride

After accepting that ride

It was the biggest mistake of her life.



Let’s talk about the truth

I meant little if nothing to you


That was back then

But now

To me, you’re just a memory

I barely reminisce

To you, I don’t even exist



Let’s face the facts head on

The only reason that I haven’t

Cut your memory completely off


Is because

Some mistakes are just so huge

And my epic life mistake was you

You’re in a microscopic part of my mind

So I remember. Not. To. Repeat. You.



And to teach my future daughters

As well as women of today

To accept nothing less but kindness and love

As the only way



So if you must open his car door

At least enter guarded

At least enter strong

Wear your pride wherever you stride

And remember you are a woman…



So, you can never be wrong.
say NO to ****** assault.
feed me lies like you feed me chocolate cake
make me a chocolate cake for each mistake
so you can feed me chocolate cake like you feed me lies
one lie per bite
a fair price
one lie per bite
me in the after
is the you in the before
me in the after
is the you
that i am waiting for
me in the after is the you in the before
i caught a glimpse
of your life
i was surprised
to see myself
in it
i was surprised
I needed you to agree
So that I could be free
Of you
Of them
Of it
I needed you to agree
Because arguments always look better that way
agree with me.
She was the most talented poet.
She wrote with such emotion.
Except no one liked poetry.
if no one liked poetry...
I lost all my reasons to love you
You lost your will to try

I lost all my faith in faithfulness
You lost your dignity and pride

You lost all my trust
When you lost your mind that night

So darling lose my number
This is how I say goodbye
this is how i say goodbye
When I was eleven
My teacher asked me a question

What do you want to be when you grow up ?

I said,
I want to be a poet
I want to create words out of nothing

I was already a poet
I did not realise
That I had always been
i have always been a poet
you will always be here
like the moon that hovers
stoically independent

you will always be here
unequivocally present
luminously magnificent

you will always be here
like a God that loves abundantly
forever omnipresent

i may no longer see you
but you will always be here
death did not destroy you
am i too honest?
the thought consumes me, constantly.

am i too honest?
i am not honest,
enough.
i am not honest enough
i wanted her to be skinnier
and that was great
because i was improving someone else
she didn't want to change
wanted to live her own life
but that was great
because i had a grand plan
i tied her to a chair
slit her throat
cut off her limbs
she was dead
but she was lighter
and that was great
she committed the sin of being over weight
so he taught her a lesson
i used to get angry
until realisation hit me
you are stuck in this
you aren't controlling it
suddenly anger became pity
suddenly anger became pity
if you could be
any animal
what would you be?

she asked me
with a sombre face
of negativity

she said
she would be an eagle
so that she could fly away

or
she would be a butterfly
so that she could change

her answer
made me oh so sad
in a way i can't describe

i turned to her
giving her
my honest reply

if i could be
any animal
what would i be?

i would be a human
because then
i would be me
i would be me
I stare out across the Indian Ocean
I see God's face amongst the waves

My darling, He looks a lot like you.

An interestingly ironic image, considering you don't believe.
That's just what I see.
my two greatest loves
I've got the power to create
The hips and thighs
Perfectly voluptuous

I've got the power to birth
I've got the power to make life
I've got the power to make breath

Don't tell me that I am powerless
Don't tell me to do what you said
You answer to me

I am The Goddess
you answer to me
the bombs went off
all chaos broke loose
just before the world exploded
she thought to herself
this is just how i thought it would be
what a dramatic way to die
what a perfect time to leave
what a perfect time to leave
I cannot apologise for my G cup ******* and touching thighs

I cannot apologise for my mental illness diagnosis and my broken promises

I cannot apologise for wanting to commit suicide
You would too if you lived my life

I cannot apologise for my G cup ******* and touching thighs

Let me make just one thing clear
You will find no apology here
let me make just one thing clear
I don't know why they hate me
I was only trying to make
The world a better place

I don't know what makes
A man into a monster
A monster into a man
There is so much that I do not understand

The better place
The "superior" race
Is a lie I told myself every day
the birth of a monster
Her beauty is profound
Leaving me blinded and tongue tied

Her grace is majestic
Inspiring me to learn her secret language

Her intelligence is a sacrament
Enticing me to be baptised and take off my disguise

Her gaze is soul searching
Precipitating my inevitable spiritual rebirthing

Her beauty is profound
Leaving me enraptured and spell bound
she had the kind of beauty that was simply profound
I knew you in a past life
We were arch enemies
Constantly fighting
You killed me in battle
You were filled with remorse
So you found me in this lifetime
Just to declare another war
i knew you in a past life
Tiny secrets grow in size
The longer you hide them
They multiply
The more that you lie
What once was tiny
Is now a gigantic army
An army of secrets
Preparing to fight
an army of secrets
preparing to fight
He walks with disgusting confidence
Confidence that ventures into arrogance
Arrogance dancing so ugly
Arrogance worn like a costume
A costume he always wears
He thinks he is a gift
A gift sent from heaven
I count all the way up to seven
Before I disappear
i count all the way up to seven
i believe in forgiveness
if a man told me to
but not in regards to truth
or proof for that matter
mark it with laughter
and a sprinkle of ignorance too
but not in regards to truth
I'm that girl with the Australian accent
I'm the poet who writes in the corner
When the party is getting boring
You'll find me with my journal writing scribbles with my blue pen

I get easily distracted
I tend to feel fat most of the time
Sometimes I seem to lose my passion
Until I hear Ani DiFranco and my heart is set on fire

I fall in love so ******* easily
I'll see your ocean eyes and fall upon my knees
Suddenly I'll see your face on every street
Secretly hoping that one day you'll want to marry me

I'm that girl that got bullied all through school
I think that being different is a fun activity to do
I might get rejected on a regular basis
Rejects tell the most interesting stories

I'm that girl whose got bipolar and anxiety
I've been hospitalised for both of these things
I lost my faith in the mental health system
I know that no one has the decency to fix it

I'm that girl with the Australian accent
I'll always love even if I don't receive it
My best friend has always been Jesus
When I die I'll leave behind the words I write with this blue pen
a little poem about me
she was an Australian beauty
with a European name
her accent was her birth right
but her olive complexion gave her away

he was her Australian saviour
he gave her a brand new name
her accent pronounces it clearly
but her complexion still gives her away

European blood
surges through her Australian veins
her accent was her birth right
her olive complexion gave her away
European blood surges through these Australian veins
I needed to ask
I needed to imply
I needed to explore the possibility

I needed to know
I needed to see
The bare bones of your reality
the bare bones of what i needed
can we be more than animal?
venture outside of,
basic instinct.
let me be more than,
animal.

be more than how i think.
can we be more than animal?
Honesty is myth unless you pay for it
Beauty is a commodity that we confuse with superficiality
I am beautifully honest but you are unaware of it
beautifully honest is what i was
Your intelligence is divine
Oh, what a beautiful mind

Your words are verbal medicine
Oh, there is no comparison

The formation of your ideas
Create a scintillating souvenir

Your intelligence is divine
Oh, what a beautiful mind
your mind is pure beauty
I bottled your tears
Crystalline,
Luminous,
I kept it on a shelf for display
So strange,
How something so beautifully pure
Could have been borne from pain
the beauty in sadness
i am not ashamed of my failures
i use them to paint beauty from the ashes
each failure was a place of learning
each failure is a sign of growth
there is beauty in every single failure
they help me paint a picture from the ashes
they help me paint a picture of hope
painting beauty from the ashes
her beauty is undefinable
a force to be reckoned with
a force without a name
you cannot put a name
to something so constit antly changing
her beauty changes at the speed of light
never in sight long enough to take a picure
all though it lingers long enough
to make you think it might exist


her beauty is raw
undiluted
exposed
it takes a whole new kind of bravery
to let such honesty show
she dares to mask nothing
leaving herself on display
her in depth vulnerability
mixed with passionate intensity
reels strangers in until they cannot look away

her beauty is undefinable
simply impossibly to name
when you meet her, you'll be overwhelmed
irrevocably changed
but as much as you will grow to love her
you will not be able to stay
some forms of beauty are just too intense to be defined
You begged me to stay
So I stayed

You begged me to change
So I changed

You begged me to smile
So I smiled

If I beg you to die
Will you die?
i beg you to stop begging me
I don't believe in best friends
But I believe in you
You paint my sky cerulean blue
You give me hope to hold onto
You make my broken heart feel brand new
I don't believe in best friends
But if I did my best friend would be you
i dont believe in best friends
a nothing
within something
something powerful
something small
a nothing
within something
is bigger
than law
i slammed on the brake
a second too late
and i crashed head first
into
my
biggest
mistake
the infidelity i regret
every drop i bleed
is another chance of life gone
every passing month
a sober reminder
of a clock that won't stop ticking
tick. tick. tick.
desperate hands
on a hollow womb
every drop i bleed
makes it harder for me
to meet you
desperate hands on a hollow womb
what are you so scared of?
is it the trace of ***** on my mouth?
i love men too
is that not allowed?
you think my sexuality is greedy
yes, i am greedy for your acceptance
am i in?
am i out?
oh honey, i am both
this biphobia fills me with anger
i deserve to be noticed
is it the trace of ***** on my mouth?
I won't say goodbye to you
Because I can't

You are part of my chemical make up

We are eternally bonded

I won't say goodbye to you

Instead I will make room for you

I am not ashamed of you

I won't let the stigma win

Bipolar, come and take a seat

We might as well be friends
I make friends with my crazy..
The bird took flight
She was frightened by the slamming door
She flew into an electric fence
The bird, it is no more
oh, what a slamming door can do
i'm a *****.
a ****,
powerful.
talented.
unapologetic,
*****.
now get down on your,
grazed knees
bow your,
unworthy head
worship,
this *****.
get down on your knees
Betrayal comes in many colours
Betrayal comes in many forms
No betrayal quite matches yours

The knife you stabbed into my back
Twists and slices my flesh
A painfully bitter reminder that I won't trust you again
the bitterness of betrayal
The blade feels cool against my skin
This place is so dark but strangely familiar
I pray for the courage within
To press down hard
To commit that fatal sin

The blade feels like home
The most morbid honesty I've ever known
Pain is something I can understand
Blood is a friend that I could keep around

The blade feels cool against my skin
This place is so dark but it's my reality
The blade feels cool against my skin
The blade will set me free
pain is something i can understand
pain only hurts
when you know it is pain
the bliss of ignorance
cancels out the ache
hurt me if you like
i will be ok
the not knowing is my silent saviour
the same way i don't know faith
the bliss of ignorance cancels out the ache
I dared to be different
They did not want different
So I did not want them
i dared to be different
I was born in the eighties
I grew up in the nineties
I became an adult in the noughties
The
Rest
Is
History
~ established in 1989 ~
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