it's not your fault baby bird
they never taught you how to fly.
you were forced out of the nest
while they watched you fall and die.

i got really good at living in my head when i was a kid
and now i can't seem to find my way out.

how much is reality?
which parts did i wish to see?

yes, your heart broke. but let me tell you this, it didn't happen the way that you think it did.
it didn't shatter, crack, or crumble.
it broke open.
it had so much love inside that it simply spilled right out. an overflow of emotion so deep it brought you to your knees.
you can feel it in your chest, like you're being pulled open, like your soul is being pulled right out through it.
but give it just a little while to adapt, my love, and you'll see it grows fast
it will expand to shove that love right back in again. plenty of space for a new love to take place.
it's a flow of emotion, feel it like a wave and float with it.
ride it til the tides are guiding you back to shore and ground yourself then. your toes in the sand.
you're apart of everything that exists.
feel the sea, feel the sand, feel the trees, feel the land.
but most of all, feel the love.

with the invention of humans
the universe became conscious
of itself.

"goodnight"
was her way of saying
"goodbye"

she wouldn't be there in the morning.

i'll make believe
i never saw your face
beneath the moon

but that glow will forever
haunt me

and i'll long for you
every n i g h t

she was every star in my night sky
i was a handful of fireflies she kept in a jar
she was my sun;
illuminating my entire world
i was her lamp;
glowing dimly in the corner of her room

i still sees stars every night
all of the fireflies died out
i still wake up to the sun every morning
she turned off the light.


↠mndi➣

i wished on a falling star that you would love me back.
the wish, along with the star, seems to have crashed and burned.


↠mndi➣

not many people know what it feels like to cut themselves open in slow motion and feel the blood drops change from raindrops to tidal waves before their very eyes,
that were coincidently dripping too.
similar to the way it felt when my feelings for you started to pour through and all i could do was try to hold them all back and stitch up the cracks before i'd lost too much and fallen too hard, landing in a puddle of red that could very well have been what was left of my broken heart.


↠mndi➣

I woke up next to you that morning, with bruises and bite marks on my arms that proved you loved me the night before. You kissed them and I swear I heard them sigh.
But that same night, you left me again. What changed in you within that day I'm still unsure. But you told me I could no longer be a priority to you. And I felt all my importance disappear in an instant.
It all made sense to me after that, though. The bruises, I mean. You left a mark so I would remember you even after you left. You even kissed them goodbye.
And then you disappeared as well.


↠mndi➣

I miss you less and less each day
and that breaks my heart in every way.


                                                ↠mndi➣

I know that you don't like to cry
especially not in front of people
especially not in front of me
you know then I'll start crying too
and we just can't both be crying
because then who would be the shoulder?
right, exactly
I also know that you like to feel strong
and you like to take care of yourself
and you're scared to death of depending on anything else
but you're misunderstanding me if you think I'm trying to save you
I don't need to save you
I just need to be there with you through it
even if all you need is for me to lie with you while you cry
a hand to hold
or two to hold you
a kiss on the cheek
or a kiss so deep your mind quiets down for a while
I swear to god I can be so strong for you
if you ever decide you need a little help


↠mndi➣

Just once*
I would like to swim in the ocean
without every ******* wave
trying to knock me down.


↠mndi➣

Too afraid to ask any questions
'cause I'm so afraid of what your answer will be
like if I were to ask you
are you still in love with me?

If your answer was a no
well I don't know what I'd do
I'm not prepared, I mean after all
I've spent the past year in love with you.


↠mndi➣

her veins stick out real dark and her skins as pale as her cigarette smoke.
they look like deep blue rivers running through the snow.
her lips look like rose petals floating in milky waters.
and they're soft like them too.
her eyes are the beautiful red brown color of the trees,
surrounded by snow.
and the way they light up when she looks at me,
it's as if they're wrapped in christmas lights too.
her hair as dark as the winter night sky and soft as the light of the stars.
and her skin, always cold to the touch.
no matter how close we're cuddled together,
pretending it's for the warmth but really it's for the pleasure,
her skin always feels like an ice skating rink
and my fingers turn into little ice dancers and figure skaters,
giving her even more chills.
and when she moans, and i can see the fog of her breath rolling out,
i can't tell you how good it feels to literally watch the pleasure escape from her.
or when her entire body shutters under mine
and i know it's not because she's cold.
she's like my favorite season come to life
and maybe that's why i adore her so much.


                                                              ­                        ↠mndi➣

It was only inevitable that I would fall in love with you.
I knew it from the minute you first came into my sight
and ever since then I've been trying to tread light.
I've never been one to take it slow.
patience for me is agonizing
If it was you that I was after, I wanted you to know.
and I wanted you bad, you were so enticing
What's the use in hiding all the love I've got to show?
But loving you was like leaving footprints in the sand
two steps forward, Twelve Steps back again
til the tides washed them away
along with all the progress that we've made.
I have sailed through your stormiest seas
while you kicked up water and tried to drown me.
I held fast and tried to stay afloat
while you raged on and tried to sink my boat.
And then somewhere along the way
you realized I'm not one to stray.
I wouldn't disappear
I wouldn't turn to dust
you knew you didn't have to fear
that's how I finally earned your trust.
That's when you let me in
you let yourself love me too
and ever since then
its been easy sailin' with you.
You were well worth the wait,
that was something I always knew.
And even if I can't be your soulmate
at least for a while, I got to have you.


                                                              ­                                                     *smndi

i had dreams of meeting outer space
running laps around the rings
alien murmurs like whispered sweet nothings
snorting cosmic dust
leads to
eyes that grow like eclipses
starlight sticking to my skin
initials carved in moon rocks
hurled through the stars like a telegraph service
it wasn't until i met you
that i felt the gravitational pull
it was you holding me to the earth
i didn't mind
suddenly space felt empty
it was small and you were vast
i pulled my head out of the clouds
and laid it on your chest
your eyes shone with the glitter of the cosmos
putting the twinkling stars to shame
black holes were filled
in me and in the universe
i stopped yearning for the undisturbed quiet
the minute i heard your heartbeat
through thin fabric and skin
and as cold as it was above the atmosphere
it was no comparison to the cold felt
when your body was away from mine
similar to how the moon would feel
should the sun ever cease to shine on it
the chill of unprepared absence
you became the center point
a bouquet of warmth and light
and life on earth
without you
was no longer possible


                                                      ­        *smndi

The way the sunlight tiptoes in through the cracks of the blinds each morning to kiss you awake, well I could swear it rises just for you.


                                                          ­                   *mndi.

I want a girl with eyes like daggers
that tear her up when she's looking at me
with a mind that badgers
and I know it's thinking about me

I want a girl with hair so wild
but eyes that could calm the sea
with a voice that smiles
every time it's talking about  me

I want a girl with a real good grip
and hands as soft as sunlight
with her arms wrapped 'round my hips
sleeping next to me all night

I want a girl that likes to read
so she can read all that I write about her
a constant source of inspiration to me
she never lets me run out of words

I want a girl that likes to ****
and wouldn't mind falling asleep right after
with a talent for making her own luck
and getting  people to fall for her

I want a girl that wants me too
that made a list of qualities I happen to possess
I want to know you're right for me and I'm right for you
and we won't turn this into a mess.

                                                               ­                     
                                           ­                                      *smndi

How much can you really love a person
if you can't love them when you're sober?
I'm starting to think my love affair
isn't really with you,
it's with Captain Morgan.


                                                       xo, *smndi

well you've been all over the place
born and raised in the southern states
dragged back to california
but you had nothing going for you
so you moved up north to the bay
san francisco livin', drank your life away
ended up in rehab with a price to pay
so next came moving day
and you came back down to the palms
and you moved back into your moms
but we fell in love and you started staying with me
we had it good until you needed to get free
so you got a little place downtown
didn't take long til you stopped coming around
but I know that's nothing new
that's what you do
you make a place your own and then you move
you're there to have fun
and when it's done you're on the run
so really what I'm saying is
there's no place you're from
just places you've been
and getting you to stay was battle I couldn't win.


                                                          ­       *smndi

I rearranged the scars on your arms and formed a roadmap
I asked you to take me somewhere
                                                               and you took my finger
                                           and you traced it down their paths
we went for a walk and
                                                             ­           I went every place
                                                           ­                    met every face
that tried to rip you open
but you sealed yourself back up
and when those scars healed,
then so did you
                                                    like the time your mother left you
you left four scars on your left wrist
and later,
three more on the right
                                                             or when your father left too
you left nine scars on your leg that night
you placed them carefully in a way
so that they spelled out DAD
                                       don't forget the time she broke your heart
you left 12 scars on both your thighs
one for every month you were with her
(you still stayed six months after that)

there is a pattern of broken hearts
but i won't be another scar.
                                                        i erased the lines on the map
                                                          we forgot they ever existed.


                                                          *smn­di

when it rains, it pours
and i've been living in a flood
we used to dance in the rain
and kiss with raindrops on our lips
but now i find you under an umbrella
telling me
you're tired of being wet.
i don't know how to stop the storm
i just try to stay afloat
but without you there to play with me
without my baby keeping me company
it's getting harder to keep swimming
i'm not playing in the rain anymore
i'm just trying not to drown



                                                         *smndi

Sadness came to me tonight
I said, nope, I'm not ready yet
So I put that sadness in a box
and that box under my bed.

Anger came to visit me next
I said, I'm definitely not ready for you
So I stuffed that anger in a bag
and it went under too.

I thought I was safe for the night
and then in came impending Doom
This one was a little bit stronger
so I had to lock it in it's own room.

So when I saw Pain walking up the street
I knew it was coming for me
I said, I guess it's time to accept defeat
So one by one, I set them all free.

I cried with Sadness
I screamed with Anger
I mourned with Doom
I whined with Pain

And then Happiness came
and I watched the others disappear.
We shared a happy life together
when I finally stopped living with Fear.


*mndi

Sleep does not come easy
when I'm not sleeping with you.
I'm so used to doing it
not alone, but part of two.
There's too much room
in this here bed
there's a pillow here
missing your head.
And my heads missing your lips
I can't sleep tonight
not without that goodnight kiss.
The moon looks in my window
watching with empathy I'm sure
she knows this lonesome feeling
her lover too sleeps not with her.
Sad insomniacs
with empty sheets and empty arms
you're somewhere else asleep without me
the thought alone just does me harm.
If I could rearrange the stars like monkey bars
I'd cross this desert straight to you
if I had to dodge through speeding cars
let me tell you, there's not a thing I wouldn't do.
My eyes are growing tired
but my mind is racing with thoughts of you
it won't seem to let me sleep tonight
I think it's trying to run to you too.


*s.mndi

My Jailbird Brother
you are both selfish and foolish
and i'm not sure which is worse
or which i envy more
less than five hours you were home
less than t h r e e  h u n d r e d minutes
a careless release, really
but you wasted no time finding your way into trouble
the same kind of trouble that got you taken away
kept under lock and key
when you should have been here growing up with me
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
i envisioned hugs and tears and rambling stories
instead i found drugs and fears and repressed memories
i thought that when you came back it would be like you never left
..it was exactly like that
in the worst way
like you really never went away
you'd been here the whole time
making messes and breaking hearts
among so many other things
making mom cry
because look at you
you're not the same
you came back worse than when you'd left
maybe they got it wrong
maybe they sent back someone else
you adapted to survive
but there's a point where stoic turns cold
and resilient becomes defensive
and you're hiding your feelings to the point
where you can't even even find them
i never saw you as a criminal
but now that's all you know how to be.


*smndi

paintbrush strokes of white on blue
stretching over me and you
colors change to pink-streaked yellow
the earths settling down, getting sleepy and mellow
now it's all gone black with specks of white
any color has left us alone for the night
it's getting brighter
bluer, whiter
the birds in the trees are singing like a choir
they're pretty high up, but i think we're higher
i'll stay up all day, and all through the night too
if you'll be there with me through every shade and hue


s.*mndi

"It's so pretty out today," she said
with a beaming smile on her face
a look of lust in her eyes
staring out the window at the sky
cloud streaked and grey
dark & gloomy at it's finest
she was always most romantic about the darkest things.


*smndi

I'm battling my own demons while at the same time fighting off hers
like a prince slaying dragons for the princess
she never asked you to, but you do it anyways
don't get me wrong
she's no damsel in distress
she's her own knight in toughest armor
but you're still there
to pull the sword from the stone
when she just can't find the strength
to kiss her awake
when she can't get herself out of bed
to free her from whatever tower
she's locked up inside of
because my life may not be a fairytale
but I'll be ****** if I don't make hers feel like one.


ᴍjᴍ

You didn't know what to say anymore.
So you didn't.
You picked up your guitar
and you played for me some more.
You sang for me
songs we'd danced to before.
And it hurt but I smiled
and listened to you.
You played all my favorite songs
that were all your favorites too.
I watched you
you, with your eyes closed shut.
The petals fell from the sunflowers
and your room got dark and cold.
You sang songs you'd written in rehab
that you swore weren't written for other girls
but when you sang them
your eyes got still
and I could swear you were remembering someone.
That was our last night together.
And I didn't know it at the time,
but that was the last music I would hear.


*s.mndi

The sun came up
I came to
you looked at me
I couldn't look at you
you drove me home
we said goodbye
I went inside
tried not to cry
I checked my phone
no text, no call
my eyes got wet
I let them fall
tears began to pour
I could feel my heart break
I cried on the floor
til it turned into a lake
I went for a swim
had a bottle of wine
your life went on
and so did mine.


*s.mndi

My brother, it's as if we're speaking of a ghost
when we speak of you.
Your name
constantly accompanied by
"remember when"s and "I miss"es.
But you're not gone,
you're just away
on a little trip that turned
into an extended stay.
But it's no vacation paradise.
It's like you took a one way flight
into a bird cage
and you watched the door slam shut
right behind you
with nothing you or I could do.
And it pains me to see
because you're such a free spirit
but they strapped a name tag to you
and made you their pet.
Threw you in with the convicted rest
until you rebelled
and they kept you by yourself.
Well over a year spent in solitude
and when they let you out
you weren't the same.
And mom, she wasn't either.
I swear I saw her flinch every time she heard your name.
Little brother, he's the spitting image of you.
Like he's trying to make up for your loss.
A stand in
a mini me
every time he laughs it's your face I see.
He wears your hat every single day
and it breaks my heart
he wants to be just like you
and I pray he doesn't take after your bad parts too.
You're coming home soon
and as happy as I am
I'm scared to death it won't be long
before you're back at it again.
Rehabilitated is an empty word
you know what it means but it's something you've never heard.
You are what you will always be.
Even if what you're not is free.


*s.mndi

How could you not fall for
an angel like her?
nobody in their right mind,
not a single person could resist
all that she is and comes with,
h*eaven and hell alike.


s.mndi

as I stared at the face
in the all grey sky
trying to decide if his lips were curving into a smile
or a frown
I waited for a sign.
a blink
a wink
some kind of change
anything
to let me know that I was part of the universe.
but all that I was seeing
was the face
fading slowly
as the clouds kept rolling on
and the face
disappeared
without a trace

and maybe that was the sign.


*s.mndi

at night before we go to sleep
it feels as though you're mine to keep

but by the time the mornings here
the love you had has disappeared

I wake up and I'm filled with dread
knowing it's over when we get out of bed

and all day long I hope and yearn
that tonight you will return


*s.mndi

It's that half smile of yours
the one that you make
when you're making me moan
and you're enjoying yourself
simply by making me enjoy you.
Your eyes
so concentrated
but so calm
and they look at me
like they're reading my mind
like everything I'm thinking
is written in my eyes.
Your hands move over me
like they're retracing a familiar place
like they've been there many times before
but still have so much more to explore.
You know me too well
and not at all.
You're comfortable
and amazed
all at the same time.
You love me the most
when we're all alone.


*s.mndi

She smiles when she ***** me.
That must be what making love is.


*s.mndi

I want to tell you that you'll be okay.
That you'll bounce back right away.
That everything you're going through
is nothing new
you've seen and done it all before
nothing scares you anymore
you brushed off those scars and every bruise too
you don't need anything left to remind you.
You're tougher than that
you always pull through.
And I'll be right here
to make sure you do.
If there's anything you fear
and there may still be a few
darling, I'm always near
watching over you.



*s.mndi

The ice it clinks
the straw it stirs
you're making drinks
that won't drown her

She's up all night
you put her to bed
but she puts up a fight
falls asleep with the drink in her hand

Sneak out for a smoke
she's fast asleep anyway
when I came back, she awoke
baby why'd you go away?

But shh you're there now
she's already passed out again
with her little body curled around
yours, she's asleep with a grin.


*s.mndi

The stars that fall
from the sky so blue
well they learned it all
watching me fall for you.


*s.mndi

I want to come together with you
so close
that the chemistry between us
so hot and dense
is enough to coalesce
to form new stars
new galaxies
a whole new world all our own.
Enough to trigger the most brilliant Supernova
so we may live
on the brightest new star
in the celestial sphere.
And then
I want the entire universe built
in the image of you.
All the forests will be done
in the redwood brown color of your eyes.
The freckles in your skin
become the comets in the sky
and the lines on the palms of your hands
become the basis for all the constellations.
The mountains are formed in homage
to the shape of your spine.
The color of your pale white skin
is who to thank for the moon's soft glow.
While the fire in your heart
is how the sun learned how to burn.
And both, too brilliant to lay eyes on.
The waves in the oceans
like the waves in your hair.
The clouds in the sky
as white as your sparkling smile.
The sparks that fly
when our lips come to meet
will be the second Big Bang
sweeping us off our feet
and our world will be born
surrounded with you
and the best part of it all
it's a world just for two.


*s.mndi