Honey, pay attention
I've been craving your affection

I've been deprived of you
for too long it's true

I'm going mad without your touch
a simple kiss would mean so much

I know the fun you get from teasing
but just this once, let's skip to pleasing

*s.mndi

Sticks and stones and broken bones
in the cemetery where we left you to rot

Words sometimes hurt but never worse
than the ones left unsaid
especially when
you left right after we fought.


*s.mndi

In a town just up the mountain
straight out of an old John Wayne movie
where there's no parking lots
just places to tie up your horse
and the jail has one cell
and you'd expect to see Billy the Kid
breaking out of it any minute now
joshua trees
and tumble weeds
and all the bars have swinging doors
and there's a coffin leaning up against one of the walls
of the bar with the swinging doors
that's where you took me to your favorite place in the whole world
a restaurant
where a different band plays every night
with a different sound and a different look
from ones composed of old hippies and cowboys
playing their accordions and mandolins
singing old folk songs that everybody just knows
you don't know how you know
you just do
and then to the band of kids
straight out of suburbia
singing songs about ******* and heartache
with their hair slicked back
and their pants rolled up
and their moms are sitting right there
in a table right in front of the stage
eating burgers and salads and talking about the burgers and salads
then there's the girl from New York
she spells her name real weird and keeps her hair long and flowing
just like her dress
and she sings about empty motel rooms
and the Bhagavad Gita
and she tells stories in between songs
and there's writing all over the bathroom walls
little gems like
"what would Joan Jett do?"
or
"punks not dead, punks sleepin' drunk"
but mostly
just names of lovers in hearts
sometimes just initials like a secret code only they know
and the dates that they became lovers
there's paintings on all the doors
horses and hookers and cowboys under the stars
and all the walls around the stage
are covered in license plates
one from California from 1939
one shaped like a bear from Canada
one from Saskatchewan
wherever that is
and all the drinks
come in mason jars
and all the candles on the tables do too
and none of the chairs match
but that just makes them all unique
you're sitting in a one of a kind
but the whole place is really one of a kind
and that's why it's her favorite
she finds all these things to be just beautiful
not to mention the bartender keeps giving her free drinks
because it's her birthday and they take her word for it
and she's making friends with all the hippies
and she's dancing under the strings of lights
and we're kissing under the dark black sky
and I've never seen her so happy.


*s.mndi

play me that song
that you wrote long ago

that you thought I forgot
but every word I still know

sing it to me till I fall fast asleep
let it be the last memory of you that I'll keep.


*s.mndi

I could spend hours writing about you
and believe me, I have
but they all end up the same way
"I love her  I love her  I love her"
I want to put the pens down and grab your hands instead
run them across my body while I tell you all the things that I've written
but never said
pull your lips to mine and let our tongues do all the talking
while they're conversing I'll start *******
you slowly
I wanna savor the moment I come in contact with your body
move my lips down to your chest
and whisper my secrets to your skin
leave a message in every kiss
and a kiss at every corner
while I breathe you in
every breath I take
now the beds starting to shake
as I start to make
love to
you

Every past flame I've ever had
quickly turned into a raging fire
leaving me burned & scarred.
You are not a flame
but a much needed storm
that soothed the dried up heart
and extinguished any existing flicker.
The calm, cool waters proved therapeutic
to the scorched skin.
You poured until you flooded
you overflowed
and I was overwhelmed
but still
I dove right in
not concerned with whether
I'd sink or swim.
So I submerged myself
into the deepest depths of you
where I would live out
the rest of my days.


*s.mndi

You know the one I'm talking about.
The little stuffed raccoon
with the lipstick on its face
that I don't know where it came from
but maybe it came from me
trying to kiss you
and tell you how much
I miss you.

But it's just a smudge
so maybe you moved away too fast
before I could finish
and you messed everything up.

But it's okay, I'll let to stick around.
At least until it can fade away completely
and leave me with an
"I'm not in your life anymore"


*s.mndi

You changed me.
You made me better.
You gave me back my sanity -
     you became it.
I didn't need drugs to get away. I needed you.
I escaped to you. And felt safe and free again -
but like never before.
I was getting high without coming down
     and I craved it.
I had no more reasons to search for escapes
and I had no more excuses to defend my findings.
I had to quit everything else
and survive on you
because I had let myself become addicted
and I didn't care
I wasn't scared.
I felt sane again
and it was all thanks to
                                  you.


*s.mndi

who was I one year ago?
a sad little drugged up ***
no one taught me anything
I was so desperate, so eager to please
please don't go, stay with me
I'll do what you want, give you anything
everyone took advantage
of my biggest defect
I don't know how to say that word
I'm programmed to talk but not to be heard
I can't stand up
I don't fight back
but if I was Marty McFly
I'd take it all back
I'd save myself
from my biggest heartaches
the worst mistakes
I've ever made
I wouldn't be so troubled now
so negative and bent
maybe I'd be loved right now
if I hadn't hurt all of them
but **** it all
I'll just get high
fly to the moon
and drown in the sky.


*s.mndi

feeding me lines
and I take them with ease
I take as I please
codependent like daddy
can't stand to stand alone
always need somebody
for me to call my own
take care of me
oh baby please
I need I need I need
I fall in love way too fast
becoming too attached
and then I can't seem to grasp
the idea that you could leave
now I'm alone
I can't find where to go
because I've only been taught to follow
to hold on and depend
I just want love and nurturing
I'm sick of all my friends
but somehow I've made it this far
broken, bruised, and left with scars
but I'm still alive and I'm all I need
I'll say goodbye to the broken me
like I said goodbye to you.


*s.mndi

sew my eyes shut
no I don't want to see again
I want to learn to see within
I don't want to see myself
in all my glorious filth
point me to the sun
eyes wide open and run
let my demons out on the way
gotta be clean for judgement day
nobody wants a *****
a home wrecking bore
all she does is take take take
self destructive nature
is the downfall to her fate
you'd think she has no ears
ignoring the bad things that she hears
how can you possibly stay?
get out now, baby, run away
close your eyes and count to three
spin in circles, now you're free
don't go back, they're history
come on, baby, now you're free
run further than the eyes can see


*s.mndi

I am my father's daughter
the apple of his eye
that didn't fall too far from his tree
the fruit of the same loom
that I use to weave my web of lies
always shady
like I'm perpetually standing under those branches

I am my mother's daughter
her second cracked egg
that should have grown into a dove
but came out a vulture instead
didn't need a nudge to leave the nest
I was first to fly the coop
a free bird
while the others flew straight into a cage

Now the tree went up in flames
and took the nest with it
and I'm starting to think that
maybe
I was a Phoenix all along
and from the ashes
comes the new soil
that I need
to grow.


*s.mndi

We sat in the backseat of your car
parked across the street from the
godawful
house I was staying in at the time.
We sat quietly for a few moments
still unsure of how to act around each other now.
I could feel your eyes on me
a smile forming automatically.
(**** nerves)
"What are you thinking about?"
I turned to meet your gaze
and an unspoken staring contest began.
Without a pause
you answered,
"I was wondering if I've ever told you you're beautiful."
It was unexpected.
It was honest.
It was cute as hell is what it was.
I thought about it for a second. "Probably."
I shrugged. Playing it cool.
Pretending a whole migration of butterflies
did not just migrate right into my stomach.
We thought some more
and then
you whispered
"you're gorgeous"
and I felt my heart break.


*s.mndi

You know that feeling when you can't remember if something really happened or if you only dreamed it?
That's what it felt like the first time you said you loved me.

It happened in that fine line of time
the border
between late that night
and early the next morning
when you can't find the sun
or the moon
and the sky's a pinkish shade of blue.

On my knees
in the bathroom
too much liquor
never been sicker
my stomach coming up
through my throat
angry with me
letting me have it

You stood behind me
"shh baby" & "its okay"ing me in cooing whispers
rubbing my back
petting my hair
despite all the times I slurred my words at you
telling you to get out
thinking about how disappointed you must be

and then I heard it
and I know I was drunk
but I heard it
you said
"I love you too, Sarah. I love you too."
and you kept saying it
and I kept thinking
"This is real. She said this. Please remember this. Oh god, please remember."

I woke up the next morning
next to you
thank god, you were still there
and you asked if I remembered anything from last night
and I said I think I do
but I still wasn't sure if it really happened
and you confirmed it
and laughed
and said "of course that's the only thing you remember"
and I smiled
because that was all I needed to


*s.mndi

When she kisses me?
It's like a fairytale in reverse.
Her lips put me under a trance.
Instead of waking me up
I fall into a deep unconsciousness.
Rather than breaking a spell
she puts me under her own.
Maybe that's the reason
I'm always dreaming of her.


*s.mndi

I want you to crush me
light me up
and breathe me in.
Inhale
and hold me
in your breath
until I burn holes
in your lungs.
And then hold me some more.
I want you to mourn for me
as you exhale
and I dance
in ripples and rings
my way into the atmosphere.
I will sail
through endless schools of stars
like a lost fish
in a foreign sea
trying to find my home.
And maybe it's
just a few galaxies
away
or in an
entirely different universe
altogether.
But until I find it
I'll wander
free.

(I'll miss you)


*s.mndi

"Can't she see it? She needs me."
I spoke with frustration and anger. I whimpered with longing.

"She can't see anything yet. She isn't looking."
He spoke with a confidence that was calming. He spoke like he knew.
Like God himself had let him in on a little secret he was struggling to keep.

"I would love her."
I pouted like an impatient infant.

"You will love her when she needs you to."
He smiled like a father comforting his impatient infant.

"And?" I pleaded. I needed more.

"Be sure she is what you need too."

And with that, he vanished.


*s.mndi

poor girl, you're still not seeing it. your sight is selective beyond all repair. but it's not your fault. you only know what you've experienced. you're only seeing what you choose to see. where is your moment of clarity? where is your light bulb, your bright idea? you are only seeing with your eyes but close them
breathe deep
and reflect.
until it all makes sense to you. until you have that piece of mind you so crave.

dig deeper and tell me what you see.


*s.mndi

"What's wrong?"
The voice whispered

"What's not?"
I whispered back
in a drunken state of remorse.

"Is it your fault?"
The voice slipped through the darkness
like breath slips through the harsh cold.

"Yes. All of it."
A nod was all I had left to give.
A nod
and then a bang
against the wall
leaving my skull a little sore.

"Tell me something. Do you blame the trees for losing their leaves? Would you say it is the moons fault she runs from the sun? Is it the poor clouds fault they sometimes need to let go and pour out all that they've been storing inside?"

"You cannot blame the seasons for changing,"
I huffed in frustration.

"And you, my dear, change as swiftly as the seasons."


*s.mndi

The urge
to off
the beast
inside
grows as the days
roam on.

The sleek metal
begins to shine
drawing my eyes
to its four
lovely
points.

An attempt
to tempt me.

The rushing water
starts to sing
a siren's tune
as it fills
the pearly tub.

My eager ears
cannot ignore.

With all my self control
I make a deal with myself.

It will not be done
by my own hand
but
if perhaps
an accident does occur,
so let it.

Like maybe
I'll stop wearing my seatbelt
or looking both ways
before crossing the streets
or I'll talk to strangers
or I'll take too many pain killers
in an attempt to **** the pain.
(I know it won't)

I'll simply forsake the struggle
and leave it up to Death
to take care of the rest.

Living has become a hassle.


*s.mndi

There is a brief moment
between when you wake up
and
when you come to.
And in this moment
sleep lingers.
The dream has not yet ended.
What was happening in your dream
is what you still know to be true.

Last night, I dreamt she loved me.
She was mine, she told me so.
Now even if I never hear those words
in reality,
I still have the memory of how they sounded
in my sleep.

When I awoke
for that moment
she was still
mine.

That moment of bliss
before the cruel joke
the realization
sunk in.

I rolled over with a bitter refusal
to let her go
any further.
I went back to sleep
with the hope
to wake up
back in whatever world it was
where she was mine.


*s.mndi

Do not deny me the simple privilege of expressing to you all the truths that I see. The pleasure in speaking my feelings. I need to tell you that you are beautiful. I need to say it.
I need to put it out there into the world and hear it.
I need to remind you, as well as myself, how lucky I am to be staring at something so divine.
Because oh god, you are what beauty is.
In every sense and tense of the word.
You are now,
were yesterday,
and will be tomorrow
a creature forged by the godly hands of Aphrodite
in all her glory.
A gift to all around you.
A pleasure to look at,
to speak to,
to think of.
You are a vision and I'd like you to know that.


s.mndi

We stood in the parking lot with our heads up in the sky.
She showed me where the Big Dipper was. I was thrilled.
I showed her where the Little Dipper was. She was skeptical.
We found Orion's Belt together and argued over whether or not we were seeing the right things.
I could have spent all night with her under those stars.
Each constellation watching us.
People gazing.

But the pain of being stuck there on earth started to overwhelm.
I wanted desperately to take her up into space to become our own little string of stars.
Put us together in a nice spot and wait for other lovers down on earth to gaze upon us.


s.mndi

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi

My heart is too big
it's weighing me down
The muscles in my face
only know how to form a frown
I thought life was going good, I thought I had it great
Now I'm sitting here alone with this drink
questioning my fate
I've got so much love to give
but no willing recipients
The loneliness is sinking in
and I wonder
what is it about me that makes them afraid to commit?
Maybe I'm a drunk and my lungs are full of ash
and I know I don't have much cash
but I swear to you I'll give you the world
if you just give me a chance.


s.mndi

The first cigarette in the morning is always the most
relaxing.
Sitting on the balcony.
The birds telling secrets from different trees.
Chirping different melodies.
I've got so many things going wrong for me but each drag makes another one feel a little less steep.
I wish that you were here with me
to watch the breeze sway the palm trees.
I'm losing my mind like they're losing their leaves.


s.mndi

It's my favorite time of night. We slip outside for a smoke and with each drag her face is illuminated in a fiery glow. The whole world is dark and all the light is right here. It's coming from her. Every star decided to leave the night sky to become something better. They became the sparks in her eyes. The crescent moon followed too and adjusted itself to fit in her glowing grin. Now every time she smiles at me I see the night sky.


s.mndi

You woke me up in the darkest hours of the morning, before the sun had even blinked those sleepy eyes twice, with a question that I'd been waiting for.

I'd thought about this question. I thought about how you would ask it. Where. When. Why. What I would say. What you would say back. But I never thought about it happening while I was still asleep.

I rolled over to see you. You saw me and said, "I have to ask you something."
I knew the question before it slipped through your alcohol flavored lips, and it still knocked the wind right out of me.

I wasn't prepared. Despite all the times I'd planned and reworded.
So I started to say, "Sometimes I think I do. But then.."

And you, so drunk and stubborn, you were not having it. You rolled over with a pout and proceeded to fake sleep.
And I rolled over behind you, put my lips to your ear, and I whispered it.

For the first time, I admitted it.
"I love you."


s.mndi

We met because I had to take my best friend to the clinic to get birth control because she told me she'd **** herself if she got pregnant. I believed her. It was a matter of life and death.

It only seemed right to take her to lunch after such an occasion. We needed to talk and we weren't done talking. Neither the bus rides nor the long walks were long enough.

My mom introduced us. When I looked up from the table to see that raving smile of yours for the first time, it happened. I changed. I had decided then that I had to have you and I got rid of all that I already had.

And now, 11 months post meeting you, I am still working on getting you again. And making that bright smile appear like the sun after the eclipse.

I got you, now I need you to stay.


s.mndi

When you're here at night
I feel alright
I fall right to sleep

But the nights you're gone
it all goes wrong
and in the bad dreams creep.

s.mndi

From the Moon
came light

And god I've never seen
the Sky so bright

The Stars lit up
and beamed in white

The Sun hung in shame
losing to the Night.

s.mndi

Let my tombstone read:
"wish you were here"

'cause even when I'm down below,
I'll be thinking of you, dear.

s.mndi