10 p.m.
My head hits the pillow.
My mind begins its marathon of thoughts that always end with you at the finish line.
Your plot to weaken me grows,
with every flashing glow from my phone.

12 a.m.
Electrical charges pulse back and forth from our lips.
A conversation on steroids.
I dread the withdrawal,
Until all that is left is my own wishful thinking.

3 a.m.
A hot waterfall of emotions slipping down my back.
Vulnerability, guilt, and pride swirl into a tornado down the drain.
Flinging on a robe, I leap to write down all hopeless fantasies of our romances.
Only evoking my insides to dance once more.

5 a.m.
Eyes blink rapidly.
Bricks lay across the body, but the heart weighs no more than a feather.
He types letters onto a screen to me like gasoline fueling a fire.
He places a match in my hands,
As he flees the scene.

I long to take a breath of air.
Uncontaminated air.
Air not poisoned by pride.
Air not masked in a fog of filth.
Air that is pure and clean and innocent.
Air that fills my lungs with life,
Instead of the air that blackened my core.
I no longer breathe in your oxygen.
For now, you are the carbon dioxide
I expel from my soul.
Into the mars of ruins you constructed.
My world is of peace and purity,
where you shall be excommunicated.

I want to take a bath in a pile of leaves.
I want to stuff snow into my pockets.
I want to bake cookies out of rain.
I want to fuel my car with fog.
I want to frost cakes with clouds.
I wish the wind would pedal my bike.
I wish the thunder would sing me to sleep.
I wish the lightning would start my stove.
I wish the hail would beat down my stains.
I wish the sun would give me joy.

the waves crash as i look back at you
a moment of pure inhibition
i am unable to contain
the feelings bottled up inside of me
like a ship waiting to be pulled out of the glass that captures it
captivated by the waves
or by the flicker in your eyes

my phone glows with a message from you and
a mini spark ignites somewhere deep inside of me.
your smile is plastered on my screen and
my face mirrors you.
you say words like they are water,
nothing out of the ordinary.
yet, you turn water into wine,
adding your own magic touch.
your honey-golden presence
turns into a forest fire between my legs.
getting lost in your eyes is like trying to count the stars,
endlessly overwhelming.
the moment you take hold of my hand, you take hold of my beating heart.
the tears you wipe from my eyes turn to butterflies that kiss the deepest parts of your soul.
and when my spirit becomes a desolate desert of despair, you envelop me into the warmth of your wings, and i am home again.

"he's not yours"
is what i tell myself
when the jealousy and unresolved emotions bubble up inside me
soon to overflow into the already existing puddles of self-pity.
"he's not mine"
is what i tell myself
when i want to cross over the line to the other side
even though i know it's illegal.
"you shouldn't care"
is what i tell myself
when i play tug of war with my heart against my mind
and my heart always fights to the end.
"you're not allowed to"
is what i tell myself
when electric charges pulse through my veins
and take over my body.
"it's not going to happen"
is what i tell myself
right before i take my fist
and punch it through my own body.

what does it say about
Him. that so many girls fall
in love with his eyes

have you heard this song?
click play. it dances in me
over and over it's you

does your body shake
or tremble in the presence
of his great unknown.

HE GIVES THE BEST HUGS
"you like long hugs don't you"
he knows i do
so he envelopes me in his warmth
and squeezes me till i feel giddy like a little girl
and sometimes
he even rests his chin on my head
and i wonder if he is memorizing what my shampoo smells like
and it's for this exact moment that i push through my workload each day and
it's for this exact moment that i walk through the rain each night
his evening smile is tattoed in my mind so i can dream peacefully
and he never fails to follow up with a simple love you snap
HE GIVES THE BEST GOODNIGHTS

Our chemistry is like a beautiful glass of richly red wine.
Taken in by slow sips in order to be thoroughly enjoyed.
Chock full of dopamine, seratonin, and endorphins.
And you want more, you want so much more because
the liquid slips down your throat in a way you've never experienced before. But it is an enlightening experience
Enlightening to the point of toxic. Toxic because it is alcohol and too much of one thing is a bad thing.
But it is deliciously addictive and you start to feel your body slip into an unconscious state.
You remain in this euphoric state with your heart racing and your soul ready to jump out of you, but your mind sticks like glue.

You have become a familiar sound.
The whisper of the wind in my ear,
The gentle breeze that tickles my nose,
The white noise lulling me to sleep at night,
The hum of my fan silencing all thoughts to rest.
I am drawn into the whirlwind of you
and all the pleasurable peace that resides within you.

“Are you ready?”
3...2...1... and suddenly I am a bird.
Soaring 434 feet above all things green and blue.
I open my wings and g   l   i   d   e.
“GRAB THE ROPE”
My exhilaration comes to a halt as I realize my wings are slowly breaking.
A rope is thrown in an attempt to save me.
My father curses under his breath as I slowly slide back into the blue-green abyss.
To my right, a waterfall cries and I feel at peace
as my savior comes to fix my broken wings.
I step foot on land as my father’s arms welcome me.

how do i
tell him
i miss him
so much
more than he
will ever
know.

how do i
hold him
in my arms
so that
he knows.

how do i
not scream
from not being
able to
love
the one person
i spent
7 months
loving.

how do i
feel this
when i am
the one
who broke his
used to be
piece of my
heart.

"He said
it's just hard for him
to see you
not with him."

and that was all it took
for my heart to burn
and my eyes to sting.

i fling my hair in your face as to catch your attention
i purse my lips in an attempt to grasp a glimpse from you
i open my mouth and laugh extravagantly to boost your ego
i let my cardigan fall off my shoulder to show you i’m easy going
i spin around to lure your eyes in
i bend over to pick up your wallet that you dropped on the ground
i hand it to you with a pearly white smile and captivate your attention
i use my body in a way that it was not meant to be intended
i use my body to boost my ego while blaming other women for boosting men’s egos
i know what i am doing but i cannot stop
i want the attention my body brings me
“can’t you get attention in other ways” they ask
yes but i feel my body is the only way
and this is the problem in our society and i too am guilty

why am i left feeling angry at you
it’s like i make excuses to be angry at you
sometimes i have reason to be angry at you
but other times i am angry because i want you to fight for me
i want you to tell me to quit being angry at you
tell me i have no reason because i am the only thought in your mind
tell me i have no reason because i am the only one who matters to you
tell me i am the only one you love and care for
fill my empty voids with the words i need to hear
i am not the strong woman i tell you i am
i need to be wooed and romanticized over
i am the hopeless romantic you hoped i wasn’t
i crave flowers and kissing in the rain
i am not the low maintenance girl you believe i am
i enjoy my designer bags and fancy restaurants
i am not the independent woman you think i am
i wish for a companion and despise being alone

if you aren’t willing to love the true me,  i think i ought to let you go

the anxiety always strikes me at my most vulnerable.
when it is just my thoughts and i, in a darkened room, with no sunlight to be seen.

i am desperate for some sleep.

i used to fall asleep just fine, but now i am burdened by every angry thought that is fighting for my attention.
i try to block them all out and focus on the positive but my mind says there is no positive.

i thought i had kicked my anxiety to the curb, but instead it kicked me to the curb and now it’s dragging me to its home.
“please”, i say, “please leave me alone.”
it does not listen, it slowly drains me until i am empty in the depths of despair.
i cry out for anyone to save me but it has turned all others against me.
it tells me, “i am your only friend”, and i beg and i plead, but it is too late.
i t  has consumed me.

i have not written a word of him-
since that moment i finally (reluctantly) let you cloud my mind over what i thought was my sunshine.

i thought you were the clouds ruining my day,
however, he was the clouds, blocking the blinding light that you knew i needed most.

i realize now that you are the brightest sunlight i have ever seen.
that your constant warmth and radiance enveloping me is the most powerful illuminator i will ever have.

i used to think that tall halogen lamp added a nice touch to my living room, until i found a more modern stainless steel one to replace it with instead. and even then, i allowed a crystal chandelier to hang from my ceiling. but none of them compare to the light i found hidden behind those clouds.

occasionally, i will have a rainy day where the old clouds form again and block my view of your sunshine. on those days, i feel like drowning in a puddle of my own tears and i tend to drown you too. i form imaginary clouds to try and block you out.

yet somehow, even when the thunderstorms roll in, you manage to clear them away and give me a rainbow.

you are God's Promise to me that the sun will always shine, and no matter how hard i try to cover you up, you always will be there waiting for me.

and i will bask in the sunlight forever <3

"i miss those desert drives from the passenger side"
the music is a faint echo behind the voice of your laughter
yet you are always listening
you grab my hand and place it on the wheel
you tell me to steer from the passenger side
and its 1 am but it feels like infinite time
i could drive hours in the night with you and feel pure bliss
until the moment i step out of your car
i am hit with realization and unbelievable emotion
you drop me off with a hug and an i love you
but the second i walk away i have this urge to cry
because you remind me what love feels like
and yet i wonder how you would define our love
cause i know i would define it as a secret buried in the passenger side of your car
only to be discovered in a moment of pure bliss alone with you

i feel like a cheat
one of those girls i swore to never be
why do i play with the hands of innocent boys
why do i let myself be torn apart and tossed among them
i wilt at their feet and yet they do not water me
he pines for me and i pine after him
a classic broken fairy tale
what sort of fairy tale is this where i am weeping on the floor
why do i crave what i cannot have
"what is wrong with me" - echoes in my mind
every hour, every day
i weep for the pain i cause you
i weep for the pain i feel because of you
i wish to be the plant that thrives solely on your water
quench my thirst
distinguish the fire
feed my fairy tale

words strung together like a necklace draped around my neck
"it was like you were the first person i wanted to see in the morning"
words paired together like my favorite pair of socks
you say we pair together in the same way

my brain cannot make sense of the past five days
why are my emotions on full display
i do not know how to control my behaviors
all i know is i'm in need of my savior

someone rescue me from this chaos, from this confusion
i am so torn, so stricken with distraught

your words mesmerize me like the reflecting light of your necklace

you were the candle in the darkened room
you were the brightest star in the sky
you gave me hope and happiness
you treated me like i was the rare diamond in the sky

my answer to all my pain was you
and i guess that was my mistake
'cause now i'm lost in the sky searching for any star
the night sky is a prison to me now - stuck
the air lingering in my bedroom is becoming a poison - ****

i am a ghost in the presence of you - unseen, forgotten, the past
you used to see me, now you see through me
why does life play with our souls
you were the only flicker i had left
but the ghost of our future let the wind knock you out
and now i continue to sit in my darkened room, staring out the window trying to find another diamond in the sky

my heart races when i see you
my thoughts become a tornado
destroying any good that stands in its way
my body trembles and my hands shake
i lose all control at the idea that i might look into your eyes again
my stomach panics and turns itself into a knot
a knot that you created when you tried to turn my world upside down
why does my body get weak in your presence
why do you have this hold on my soul
i make all efforts to pry your hands off and away yet
they always find a way back to my insides
i am a spare tire, used once and left on the track
no longer a part of that bigger picture
you left me useless now
standing in the middle of your racetrack

i want him and i want you
you miss me and you miss her
you like me and you like her
you care for me and you care for her
you love her and you want her
you see me and you understand me
you know me and you choose her

i feel like i am in a battle of untold secrets
the secrets shoot me in the heart
each enemy i stumble upon runs right through me
they don't see me for me, they see me as a place to hide
i am an open wound
slowly rotting to the core
from being shot with too many bullets to the heart
too many secrets to hide

when will this war be over

i keep wanting to write about you
but the feelings are so complicated
i struggle to find the right words

you are my best friend
you are also more than my best friend
we have this connection
you cannot deny the tension
when we are alone in the room

why do you pretend to ignore it
why do you pretend you like her better
why do you pretend that you're not hurting
why do you pretend that everything will be okay

why do you make me pretend it will all be okay?

you are the reason i learned to pretend

the ocean is the color of your bluest eyes
the sand is as fine and soft as it is when i run my fingers through your hair
the sun sears my skin in the same way as your lips do when they touch my body
the island of maui is a paradise i used to equal to laying in your arms
now i realize comparing you to paradise was me caught in my own daydream
there can be only one paradise
and sadly that is not you

the ocean is majestic
it calls me by name
the ocean is a song
it lulls me to sleep
the ocean is my future
unknown and secretive
the ocean is my guardian
it protects and watches out for me
the ocean is my home
it makes me feel like i belong

i stare into the temptress waters of your soul
i search for you upon the shadows
water droplets linger on my fingertips
the waves move as if they were in an argument with the moon
i stare the moon in it's eyes
searching for your soul
instead i find it in a treasure box under the sea
the box is locked and i do not have the key

why am i always writing about you
why did you pull me aside today
and said you needed to talk to me
you don't understand how many things ran through my head
you lifted my expectations
and then you let them fall to the ground
every time i see you
i want to tell you how much you mean to me
i want you to know what it is you make me feel
but i will never be able to explain it
you tell me to date another boy
you play with me like a toy
you ask me why don't i like him and
my heart screams and my brain aches
because all i want to do is say
it's you

every boy i ever know
always calls me cute
i am not a pretty girl
i am not a beautiful girl
i am not a strong girl
i am a twig
a vulnerable stick
that easily blows away in the wind
a boy messages me
they say im hot
they want my body
not my heart
the only boy who ever called me beautiful was a boy i used to love but who never truly loved me back
a boy called me beautiful the other day
he made my night
until i realized it was the curls in my hair and the dress on my body
he made me feel good in that moment
but those feelings never last

i just want to feel love again
i never thought id ever go back to being a hopeless romantic again
but here i am in a baggy sweatshirt curled up in blankets
with my tea in my hands and tears in my eyes
watching the fault in our stars for the 27th time
scrolling through perfect instagram feeds where you find nothing but perfect couples away on tropical adventures together and it makes you believe that is real life
endless hallmark movies giving you the intense hope that you will meet the man of your dreams in a coffee shop during Christmas time
why these are all illusions that play with our emotions
making us crave such unrealistic ideals
and yet we still psych ourselves up to believe in a dream world

i am ******* beautiful
i have a beautiful laugh
i have an amazing smile
and my eyes will always smile for you
you will always make me smile
i deserve love and affection and kindness
i deserve to be happy
i was created beautifully by him who made me
i will be loved
and i will love you
more than i have ever loved anyone ever
and i will never stop loving you
i will do anything to make you happy
i want you to be happy
forever
and i want to be happy with you
as long as you are happy with me

your words toy with the strings of my heart
your smile dilates my eyes until they are no longer brown
your hugs give me a feeling of safety that cannot be matched
there is no brighter moment than when you walk into the room

i walk by and read the mind of the girl you also smile with
i am not the only girl mesmerized by your bright colored hair
your laughter and gaiety causes every eye to turn on you
and once they do, they cannot look away

instead, each girl stares at the other in fierce competition
to figure out the thoughts of desperate minds and fearful hearts
yet each one longs to be the other in that moment
to be laughing in the eyes of a boy with bright colored hair

my legs are crossed but my palms are open
as i sit between you two
you poke me and play with my hair
while you tease me and make fun of my glare
i lay eyes on each of you but you match my stare

and yet my eyes still linger on your brightly colored hair
your laugh that billows in the air
i cannot help but reach my hand out and touch you
for the 25th time
i know you may never feel the way i feel
or understand the way i understand you
but there is not a moment that goes by where i do not wish to be
the cup of coffee that you hold or
to wear that sweatshirt that protects you from the cold
or the wind that gently touches upon your lips

i go long periods of time without the sight of you and
my mind is able to forget
the way you mesmerize me with your brightly colored hair
but you always return and i am always overjoyed to face you once again
and every time i ask myself what is it about you that makes me so connected
why do i feel so drawn to you, so understood by you in our shared moments of few words
or the way your eyes light up when you hear your favorite song being played
how you tell me you wish you could sing better
and i whisper under the melody - do not let fear interfere with your passions
and i could listen to your raspy voice for hours as long as i could smell the captivating collision created by your cologne and clothing

this is my last week of summer
5 more days
until freedom
also known as college
i am counting down the hours
i have nothing better to do

this is my last week of summer
4 more days
until i start a new life
i am counting down the minutes
i have no one to talk to

this is my last week of summer
4 more days
until i become a better me
i am counting down the seconds
i have no one to hang out with

this is my last week of summer
it is the opposite of last summer
i am alone
i am okay
but these feelings are new
they scare me

i crave touch and affection
as any human does
but i am reserved, an observer, an introvert
i am content to spend an entire day cuddled up
with someone who feels the same way i do
on a rainy day like today
there is nothing more i want
than to feel
to feel alive
to feel loved
to feel connected
to not feel alone

funny how one moment can change one's perspective on life

one moment i am beaming, enveloped in sunshine,
calm
at peace

but then a wave comes
taking me down as it crashes on the shoreline
i gasp for air
i stumble over the rocks
rushing to the dry sand

what happened?

at this moment i am anxious, enveloped in a cloud
hurt
in despair

i look up at the sun hiding behind the cloud
i search through the throng of people
i am desperate to find my peace again
i walk back to the waves
i sit before it
i beckon for a wave to come and drag me back to my sunny seas

when the anxiety hits
i used to sit there letting it consume me
no
i refuse to let it consume me now
instead
i write
i write because I know I am heard
somewhere
by someone
i am not alone
anxiety does not own me or you
we decide if we want it to consume us
or if we want to fight it

it is in the quiet moments
that i hear my brain speak.
i see the words coming to life
i feel my heart nudging me
i begin to write
i write and write till i feel whole and full
and no longer empty
but complete.
this writing thing is new to me
and also old at the same time
it was always in me all along
i just finally found it
buried in my heart.