I can't get out of bed,
Anxiety too bad.
I can't focus on his words,
Too busy planning my own death.
Can't work well,
Too tired.
I slept well,
I am just so depressed.
Can't they tell?

Not a girl nor a boy but still a person.

A hero in a book or movie.
Fighting the evil queen.
Reclaming a homeland-or mountain.
Saving the world with a companion in a blue boxs.
Leading a rebelion.
Beind captain of a ship- Serenity or the USS Enterpise.
Cathing a serial killer.
Or stopping a psychotic well dressed villian.
One man or woman saving the world.
When I was younger I wished I could be like them.
But now I can barely fight the demons in my mind.
Why would I dream of saving the day when I am not sure I want to live another day?
Life is no fairy tail.
This is not Middle-Earth or Narnia.
There are villians and monsters yes but not ones that we can defeat during wizzard chess or with a want or lazer sword.
They are just as real and dangerous.
But the live in our minds.
I tried to run from the watching tv series and movies and reading books.
Dreaming of another life.
But eventualy the demons got closer to chatching up.
And no hero will be able to safe me.
I will have to fight the monsters in my head myself, all on my own.
And I hope that I will be strong and brave enough when that time comes.

Alchol
To drown
Fight my thoughts
To drown the pain
Alchol

All alone.
No one there.
No one will see.
So then why bother to hide?
My pain,
My scars,
My fears,
My dreams,
My hopes.
What's the point?
When I am all alone.

Am I loosing myself?
Or did I years ago?
Is that why I feel so empty inside?

Do you like what you see?
Am I pretty yet?
Or do I need to add some more make up?
More lies?
Hide my true self?
The one that no one likes.
When will I be pretty?
Lose some more pounds?
So that you can see my weak bones?
Would you like to see that?
Or can you be content?
With the body I have?
The body that is me.
If not, how do I become pretty than?
How do I please you?
Why are you so ******* me?
Can I ever be pretty in your eyes?
Or will you just continue putting me down?
Deep down I know.
In your eyes I will never be pretty.
But I pretend that I don't know and some more make up.
Some more lies.
Till you don't see me anymore.
But just a bunch of lies.
Will I be pretty than?
Am I pretty yet?
The girl of lies.
Am I pretty yet?
What do you think?
Am I pretty yet?
Now you can't see me from under the lies.
Am I pretty yet or do you need more lies?
Another fake smile?
More make up?
Less weight?
More lies?
Tell me.
Am I pretty yet?
Or do you need more lies?

In the moonlight an angel shall dance
playing with nature's purest feelings
with earth's soul
And this angel's dance...
In this bright night...
In the beautiful moonlight...
Will be like an everlasting flame

As the darkness comes,
And the night rises,
Putting me in its pure embrace,
Tears fall on my pale face,
Another day has passed by,
But I am still here,
And I will still be here,
When the sunlight drives away the darkness of the night,
But you won't be there,
You won't smile at me when I wake up,
You won't whisper 'good morning love,
And I will never feel your arms around me again,
Never I will see your beautiful eyes again,
And never again you will wrap me in your arms,
The only embrace I will know now,
Is the sad embrace of a lonely night

Are you okay?
I am breathing.
You should stop.
Why?
Why not?
Stop it, you're in my head.
Yes and it is a horrible place.
I know.
You should do something about it.
Like what?
Do you see that gun?

Am I the only one who wonders,
what ants do all the time?
When they walk seemingly without a pattern,
do they know where they are going?
What do ants think of us, do we scare them,
or are we not importand enough to care about?
How do they communicate?
Can they be sad?
I keep thinking about the ants?
Do they ever think like this, about the flies? Or spiders, or butterflies?
Who will ever know...

An old radio playing a new pop song in the background.
Some birds in the trees outside.
A family member cooking in the kitchen.
The breathing of your lover in the early morning.
Happy laughter from your neighbours house.

As a fenix I shall rise
And my wings on fire shall be as bright as the sun
Nothing will be able to stop me
Nor an army of titans nor an ocean
And I will fly

Being used to wanting to die,
Being used to wanting to die makes it easier and harder,
Because what if I don't remember what it is like to want to live?

When I dress up in completely black, they maybe get the message, and leave me alone, or maybe help me.

Breathe in,
the fresh air,
of a lovely spring day.

Feel the air fill your lungs,
giving you energy.

And smell the scent of sweet flowers,
it's magical how such a small plant can make your day.

Feel the sun warm on your skin.
It gives energy and warmth to all.
And all for nothing.

Breathe in deep.
Simply because you can.
Breathing is nice.

Just keep it simple.
Enjoy the small things.
Just breathe

Close your weary eyes my child

welcome the darkness

take my hand

let us become one

Dear people,
I wanted to create a group chat with people from the LGBTQ+ community on Hello Poetry,
A place where we can share our problems, seek advice, give tips and talk.
A chat where people can find support and people who they can identify with.
The group is open to join, I used the application called Kik.
The name of the group is: HelloPoetryLGBTQ+

You can beat us to the ground, hurt us.
Ignore our screams.
Pretened that we are fine.
Because kids can't be depressed.
You can tell us how to live and feel.
Tell us our demons are not real.
But we are just other human beings.
Looking for their own indentity.
Going trough darker times.
Just younger but not untouched by pain.
Just because we are younger doesn't mean we can't be hurt.
So yes you can be ignorant.
You can tell us that we lie.
But that won't help us.
Won't change a thing.
We are the depressed teenagers.
And we can't do anything about it.
So please stop reminding us that we should be happy.
That our teens are the best times of our lifes.
Cause if depression is the best we will get,
how much must aldult life **** then?

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
Leave me alone.

I tell you that every day.
Everything else has left,
So why not you?

Please do me a favor.
Just go away.
And leave me alone.

I thought I had lost you long ago.
But you came back to me.
I guess you never really left.

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
Leave me alone, this time for good.

I pray for this every night.
Want you to leave so bad.
But you never do, always are on the back of my mind.

But please do me a favor.
And just go away.
Leave me alone.

I lost everything but not you.
My friends, my hopes, my desires, my love for myself.
But you always stayed.

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
And leave me alone.

I did not ask for you.
So please go away and leave me alone.
This time for good.

Don't bother leaving the light on,
I am not planning on staying here
Don't bother leaving the door open,
I am not planning on comming back anyway
Don't even bother to ask,
for the answer is clear,
I don't wanna stay here
Don't bother to wait for me,
as I won't come,
I won't follow anymore
No more steps I will take
So don't bother to wait
Don't bother leaving the lights on
That would be such a waste

Hold on, don't let go!
You don't want to die.
Put the razor away.
Breath in the air.
You don't want to die.
Hold on, don't let go!
Don't turn of the light.
Life is worth the fight.

Do you ever want to cry but no tears come?
Do you ever want to bleed but no blood flows?
Do you ever want to die but death won't come?
I have this all the time.
I want it all the time every day.
But I cannot cry, bleed or die.

Empty swings.
Playground left behind.
No children playing or running.
No people here laughing.
Or just talking.
Just a mother alone with her mind.
All the happiness gone.
Blown away by the cold northern wind.
The same wind that chilled you.
Killed you.
Took you away.
My sweet child.
And now I am here.
Just me.
A childless mother and her mind.
Standin by the empty swings.
At an empty playground.
Left behind.
I just stand there.
Mourning your untimely death.
Missing your beautiful smile.
Your warm laugh.
Oh my sweet child.
Every day I mourn your death.
Curse the cold norther wind that took you away.
The wind that took a mother's child.
The most precious thing.
Oh my beautiful child.
And every day.
I come back.
To watch the empty swings.
And look back at the past.
To mourn your untimely death.
And every day I watch this empty swings.
The swings you used to play on.
Till this cold northern wind took you away.
Now a mother comes to the empty swings.
Every day.
Crying for the lost of her son.
A childless mother at an empty playground.
All  happyness long forgotten.
There by the empty swings.

I am falling...
deep
...into the darkness...
I can't see a thing
...of my own mind.
there is no light

Am I insane?
Save me please

I am falling
*deep into the darkness

Some fear spiders,
It is called arachnafobia.
Some fear hospitals,
It is called nosocomephobia.

But how...
How-
Is it called?

Xenophobia,
Fear of strangers.
Coulrophobia,
Fear of clowns.

But how...
How?
How do we call this?
The fear of myself.

No one sees mt pain.
No one hears me cry.
No one knows I slowly die.
But here it is- my final goodbye.

Pizza
Chocolate
Pie

Na na na
Food
Unhealthy delicious food

Na na na
So bad so good
A random poem about food

why do people think that they can force me to go out and be happy?
A smile can be faked.
But how I feel won't change.
I am sorry that I can't live a joyful life.
I think to often about when I die.
I can barely fake another smile.
But people still think that I can be happy just because they asked me to be.

My body is a curse,
A boundry I cannot cross,
for tommorow it will be a bless,
my body is a cage,
my mind the captived one,
my body is like a prison,
for my very own soul

Pretty girl walks down the streets,
But no-one knows,
She is actualy an he.

Give me…
Give me…
I need…
I need to get my mind of…
Give me…
Give me…
I need….
Make me feel better.
Help me get rid of my thoughts.
The demons in my head.
My wish to die.
Give me…
Give me…
Drugs.
Give me…
Alcohol.
Give me…
Something to get my mind of…
I need…
…Help.
Help me!
Before I die!
Drown myself in the drank.
**** myself with the drugs.
A fight in vain.
Drugs, drank, *** against the pain.
Give me…
Give me…
Anything to put the demons to silence.
To give my mind some rest.
What can help me?
*** without love.
Drugs slowly killing me.
Cigarettes burning my longs.
Drank wasting my mind.
When none of above works where do I go?
I grave more.
Give me…
Give me…
I need…
More!
I try to feel the emptiness in my heart so hard.
But every time I fail.
Every day again.
So I try everything but nothing works.
The things I try make death only come sooner.
And you know what, I am not even sure I care.
Not anymore.
I’ve been dead on the inside for way too long.
You can’t save me.
So why do I bother to ask for help.
I am already too far gone.
Too lost.
I am already dead.
But why than do I silently cry for help?
Help…
Help!
I want to…
I don’t want to die!
Help me…
I want to…
I don’t want to live!
Just help me!
Or am I already beyond saving?

lets play hide and seek*, said my indentety, *I will hide, you seek

Hold me close.
I am afraid I might fall.
Hold me in your strong arms.
Fight away my fears.
Light my day.
Whisper sweet words of love in my ear.
And don't leave me.
Because I love you.
And I did be lost without you.
So hold me close.
Before I fall.
Don't let me walk alone.
I wouldn't make it far.
I need your smile to light my day.
And you arms around me to feel safe.
Cause I am so scared.
Without I would fall.
So please hold me close.
And never let me go

I dwell between the seven realms of reality

For I am,

But am not,

I have no name

Nor a soul

I just am

But I am not

Am I real or is this just a fantasy?

I dwell between the seven realms of reality

But I doubt my own

What am I?

And am I?

For some reason I can't stop pretending that I am alright.
I can't break the illusion that I am fine.
I think I am just scared that when I stop pretending it might never go away.
I am afraid it will get even more real.
But how then can I make you see that I am not okay when I don't dare to admitt.
I need help but don't dare to ask for it.
Why am I so scared of showing how I feel?
I wish I knew...

last night,
I was not tired.
I could get no rest.
So I waited.
Waited for the sun to rise.
And it was beautiful.
The sun painting colours in the sky.
The beauty of nature.
Always worth waiting.
Staying a wake.

I don't fear the darkness
I don't fear the light.
What I fear is a mixture of those.
When I don't know wich one will take over.

I feel sick
I am not doing well
I am falling every day
Breathing under water
Drowning in my pain
I want throw up
Headache and dizzy
No freaking fun
Mind racing or incredibly slow
Thoughta suffecating me
I want it to go away
Anxiety and fear
Sadness overwhelming me
Battling myself
It makes me sick
It drains me
I wish I could just say goodbye
But I have to keep fighting
Don't let it win

Don't think for a second I am going to wear a dress and watch Titanic or The Notebook with you- We are going to have a Firefly marathon whit too much food and I'll wear a hoodie, or Watch Mad Max Fury road, but darling, don't expect me to be like the other girls- on somedays I even ain't one, and even when I am- Star Wars and Harry Potter are still favorite- Star Trek and Supernatural, Sherlock and Doctor Who, so you better keep up with my geekyness or you won'the know when I love you.
I love you- I know
Because sweetie I am a geek and a fangirl ;)

I hate it, I hate it
I can get them out of my head
I hate it, I hate it
The voices in my head
I hate it, I hate it
It is driving me mad

I killed her

I killed her

I can't get it out of my head

I killed her

I killed her

Don't be sad

I killed her, yes

Soon she will be dead

I killed her

I killed her

Don't be mad

I killed her

Please, don't be sad

She did not deserve to live

I killed her

I killed her

Soon she will be dead

Soon I will be dead

I killed her

Now don't grieve

Don't be sad

The darkness is comming

I got to go

I killed her

I killed myself

Iam going to the light

I tell you I'm okay.
but when I am okay means, I am breathing and don't have a wish to stop doing so today.
Can you really say that I'm okay?

They once told me light is the fastes thing to travel, but why then is the darkness there always firts?


The darkness was overwhelming, it blinded me.
It was the only thing around me.
And I wasn't sure that was a good or a bad thing.
I did not know wether it scared me or comforted me, maybe both.

It felt like finaly comming home, but leaving it the same time.
It felt somehow dangerous, yet so peaceful and safe.
Till there suddenly in the darkness, was a pressence.
A pressence that made me doubt everything I ever believed in.

In the mirror,
Sadness reflected.
Shattered dreams,
And hopeless smiles.
In the mirror I stare,
seeing thousand of broken pieces.
Empty eyes,
waiting for death to come out of the mirror.

I am locked up in this body,

In this world of lies,

And deep down I know,

I will never be free

I want to give up,
I can't live without your love.
I want to give up,
But you told me no to.
I promised you,
It was practically your dying wish.
But it is so hard, living without your love,
That all I can think about is giving up.
But I won't, I promised,
I will stay strong.
For you, for our undying love,
I will never give up.
I want to give up, cannot live without your love,
I promised, I can't and I won't give up.

It was not long ago that I thought

That I would do anything for you

Oh- what was I naive

I should have known

I should have known better

Yes, I had to know better

I had to

I should have, I should have

But I was so naive and blind



I should have known better

I should know better

I will still give up everything

And I still will do everything for you

I might not be that naive anymore

Nor that blind

But that doesn't make me any less stupid