I went to our place.
It was rainy.
It was cold.
It smelled of peaches;
the thing you thought of,
when you thought of first kisses.

I went to our place.
It was rainy.
It was cold.
It's funny how fast
that peach can mold.

"Not all who wander
are lost"
Yet still, I wonder
where am I
and where are we going?

But I know where I am
I'm in a library,
sipping a coffee
lost in my thoughts

Any of which range
from "what's for dinner?"
to "why am I here?"
Ranging from shallow
to deep.

My mind making
leap to leap.
Leaving me confused
and wondering,
Where am I
and where are we going?

The nighttime never bothered her
It went hand in hand with solitude
When solitude was a friend.

Cold breezes
   Dewey feet
     Star-filled eyes

The nighttime never bothered her
Until the magic was snuffed out
With one lustful shout.

Frigid winds
  Numb feet
    Lifeless eyes.

The butterflies in her stomach
assure her she is alive
with a nervous glance
and anxious sigh
she dreamily wonders about "her guy"

His body next to mine.
Full of bliss; feeling sublime.

The ghost of things
I never  said
keep me up
while I lay in bed.
In the minutes
that come before sleep,
I ask myself why
I never took the leap...
Of all things I am
One of them is not bravery,
in fact, to my demons,
I am in slavery.

3am the Enemy
3am the demons come out to play
coursing through the soul
the heart- it’s prey
The mind- the playground
monkey bars
and jungle gyms
a place where ‘what-if’s’
hang and linger
the air is pungent
and regret permeates
the night humidity
all but makes the stench lesser
putrid like rotting garbage
like the doll you
had to keep you safe
as a little child
that since should’ve been thrown
away
years ago.
the haven for mold
and dust mites
and other things toxic
3am
human’s one true
enemy.

Let's get drunk off cheap wine.
Make out under the stars.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

I worship the taste of my lover.
Soak up the sweat from his skin.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Singing praises that sound like moans.
Sighing his name, scarring his back.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Laying claim to the blessings.
Anointed by hot breath.
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Some would call this sin.
Some would condemn, but I'm
Feelin' spiritual tonight.
Hallelujah, amen.

Hold me close
Never let me go
Till sun comes up
Before it's too cold

Don't shy away
From the burning flames
As passion consumes,
Destroys, and leaves hate

I like the way ink runs across paper,
typing is cold, unfamiliar, and unfeeling.

Breaking into pieces and trying to super glue the parts together
Being twisted and damaged and acidic corrosion
Getting a welder's mask and tools
To melt the pieces together
And nothing is the same, forever.

She is emptiness.
She is disappointment
and cigarettes
hiding under breathe mints.
She is hollow
and resentment resounds,
reverberating,
and vibrating
her core.
She is anger
and grief.
She is mourning
and sorrow.
She is hopeless
nothing to look forward to,
not even the promise of tomorrow.
She is loneliness
and guilt
for letting perfect love
just sit there and wilt.
She is the morning after
a night of alcohol.
She is the memories
she desperately tries
to drown in another
cacophony of music
and sounds.
She is depression
that she tries to throw to the wind
as she throws another handful of pills
down her mouth.
She is hate
and it eats away
until there isn't much left
to say.
She is you.
She is me.
She is everyone
but no one.
She is.

Take Note..
(This is how a heart breaks)
It starts with a look
leading to hand-holding
and light conversation
     (with an underlying current of something deeper)
Cold nights fast approach
and body holding
and murmurs of sweet nothings,
just reveling in the warmth
     (and something warmer)
Blazing furiously, a passionate
burning and consuming
like fire to an old wooden house
     (but that house is you)
Forgetting each other
blinded by the lies of forever
never, ever questioning
     (but of course, it doesn't work if you can see)
Then weeks transform into month
slower than molasses on a cold day
drifting, little by little
     (but so little you never know)
Hand-in-hand walking starts to feel different
'til that one day, 'til you reach that one day
where everything subsides
      (no reason, no rhyme, a thorough good-bye)
Walking away
you must never look back
never knowing how tears could form a mask
     (why?)

She stares past as her life flies by,
some memories sweet
while others dissatisfy.

She remembers she was 8
and her dad pushing the swing
with muscular ease
as her hair swayed
with the honey-suckle breeze.

She remembers her 15th summer
racing on through
bringing with it raging hormones
and ***** boys.

She remembers bitter tears
shed on mother's caring shoulder
when Robert said that they were over.

She remembers prom and
mistakes she made
and the boy who never again
glanced her way.

She remembers the agony
9 terrible months later brought
for a tiny, screaming baby
and she remembers the love that grew
in spite of the pain.

She sits on that bench and
quietly remembers her child’s firsts:
teeth, words, steps that grew into strides.
and her only regret: only the man
with his godawful pride.

She climbs on the bus
gently grasping the hand
of her bright eyed
and well-loved child.
And this child,
this child,
who is wealthier than most
for the child knows only of
love.

I miss the way I could laugh carefree.
The way smiles used to light up my face.
But when I glance at him,
I see he struggles to do the same
and occasionally we will laugh together
and our smiles make the room seem brighter
and for a moment we're weightless.

And in those moments
my hearts swells to capacity
with love for this man
who can make me feel like I used to
by just looking into my eyes.

We see the depths of each other's souls
and find that we are equal
and always have been,
in this life and the next.

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones
Bouncing around my ribcage;
The only place I've felt at home.
This intruder destroying the walls of my heart.
Debris falling like lead to the pit of my stomach.


The dizzying lights
And astounding heights.
Falling through space,
Seeing his face.

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones
Shaking around inside my skull
Voiding every thought, zeroed and null.
In a crowd of people, feeling alone.
Each breath of cool air, through every pore.

The dizzying lights
And astounding heights.
Falling through space,
Seeing his face.

Music pounding, I felt it in my bones.
And I wonder,
Where is my home?
As I slept, I wondered,
Where is my home?

I'll write you a poem
when you break my heart into pieces.

I'll write you a poem
when you leave and ruin me.

I'll write you a poem
I want my heart good and broken.

Use me like a rag doll

and I'll write beautiful
and bittersweet
words.

Some say I'm obsessed with the night
and I, I say they are right.
I used to be afraid of the dark
the full moon
I used to be a huge horror fan
and well, I still am.
But I grew out of those childish fears
and now I see the wonder
as I gaze upon the stars
and adolescent angst
makes the night feel akin
to the dark thoughts
but as we mature
we realize that the night
is just the prelude to
a beautiful dawn
a new day
a new start
and the glory
of a beautiful sunrise
seen through introspective eyes
and even as I type
an essence of my thought
is lost
or simply kept
as I heard it put in another poem
and it resonated with me
like thunder on a dark
and stormy night
I used to feel afraid of the thunder
even though mom
would say lightning is something more
rational to be afraid of
but she couldn't hear the monsters
in the thunder that were out to get me
now thunder is calming
as I realize that there
are more worrisome noises
in day-to-day life
Going back to the night
as I sit outside
and tears stream down my face
as my eyes look into outer space
and I realize I'm just a speck
in this greater place
just floating on a rock
moving to and fro
like the waves that
crash shore to shore.
But we are all universes
with our thoughts
and even as I type this an essence
is kept
and lost.
Some say I'm obsessed with the night
and I, I say they are right.

Smiling gently
snow is falling
heart is breaking
for Christmases of old.
Times are changing
World is older
souls are merging.
Warm fires
bright eyes.
Warm fires,
bright eyes.
Couples dancing
families gather
the lonely watch.

Numbing pain with remedies unwise
Trying to forget
the past of lies

Going through day to day life
Such a battle,
so much strife.

Climbing out of bed
whispering
"you can do it, you're not dead"

Wanting with super might
to yell and cry
managing to mumble and sigh.

Resigned to the way
life seems to be:
Struggling; a vessel of empty

But each step taken
even with the ache'n
Is another foot forward
In the direction of hope; toward.

Each day gets better
don't stumble now
lighter as a feather.

Turning 18
I don't want cake.
I hunger for change.

Can we be lovers if we hate one another?
Love and hate, closer than you think
Stemming from passion and passion's all I've needed.

So, slam me on the bed,
Rip these clothes to shreds.
You hate me so good.

Yank my hair
Leave me gasping for air.
You hate me so good.

Can we be lovers if we hate one another?
And the answer is yes,
It's always ever been, yes.

Something about the way your eyes sparkle
when you say you love me
tells me that we always meet
at the wrong time for one another.
That our love orbits
but can never be too close.
Always just missing each other.

At the precise moment our eyes lock
we get pulled away; the tides are just too strong.
Never can we ever be more than just friends.
A love like ours can only destroy
and we are too scared
to take a chance
that we are the best way to destroy each other,
if destroying is what we desire.

Trees loom in the shadows.
Forbidding and threatening.
It reeks of 3am.
The animals hush their cooing.
The cars drive a little slower.
The rain is a bit colder.
It pierces the skin.
Each drop an ice dagger.
The sounds all around.
Enormous in weight.
The silent screams out.
The shadows come out to play.
Monsters and demons
make homes in the hearts
of the lonely still awake.
Of the poet
who feels 3am
as a kindred spirit.
Who knows lonliness in the pits
of his stomach.
He swallows sadness
and mashes his pillow
fighting the urge
to just cradle it to his chest.
It reminds him of
the eternal her
The girl who loved nighttime
who craved the cool dew
of the sleeping grass
under her barefeet
as she waltzed under the moonlight
with owls hooting
their sweet lullaby.
She swayed and danced
light as feathers
and she always danced
in his mind.
And she always danced
in his mind.

I was settled for in my relationship and he loves me, he loves me.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm second best, and he loves me, he loves me.
He looks at me but I'm not the prettiest, but he loves me, he loves me.
I know in my heart that he loves me, he loves me.
But I'll always know deep in my soul, I was settled for.

He woke to find this lovely woman in his arms,
her face lit up with the morning sunlight
and her hair framed her face like a halo
like in one of those hopelessly romantic movies.
Her face was gloriously calm
like he’d never seen before,
no etchings of worry or hints
of sadness to shadow her face.
His immediate and only thought:
how beautiful she was,
not just physically attractive,
but emotionally,
mentally and in
personality.
He was amazed that they were both
somewhat at peace:
both having had many sufferings in love.
She awoke with surprise
much akin to his;
they had both slept through the night,
peacefully,
no tossing
no turning,
no worries
to keep them awake.
No sadness to make them wake
in the middle of another
dark,
cold
night.
They slept together
not in the ****** sense,
but out of a need to ward off
another lonely night,
and out of a mutual love,
one that has smoldered for years,
not an intense “I want to f--- you” flame
that sparks
and burns
bright and
passionate
but soon turning to ashes, No,
this is a fire that has built slowly
and made to keep
each other warm
through many
harsh
cold
nights,
a flame that only gets stronger
with time.
A passion that is there,
but doesn’t have to be addressed
because simply holding
each other
close is enough.  
Two lonely people with a
beautiful,
intense,
all-consuming
love
that will inevitably
change their lives;
after facing the fire
the two  become
one
and live in that
“happy ever after”
that many desperately
seek after but
few ever find,
all they need
for the rest of their lives
is found in each other,
and for now,
that is enough.

Someone once asked me to write a poem
just for them,
And I smiled sadly, and asked for heart break.

We are electric
     from the first drunken kiss.
Passion's flaring
     on our first night's bliss.

We are steady
     falling asleep in a lover's embrace
Worries dying
     we've found comfort in this place

The agony
the torture
pure and sweet.
Haunting dreams
on the horizon of my
wanderlust vision
of pleasure and guilt
and a love that shall never wilt.

Inhaling smoke into tarry lungs
Exhaling poison.
Drinking alcohol to numb the agony
Setting fire to a scarred esophagus.
Selfish to a fault
Its always about the big ME.
Doing favors and expecting
to get something out of it.
Ignoring the small and weak.

I've seen the worst of humanity.
I looked in the mirror and it reflected back to me.

Traces of you linger
Scents, Sights, Places; Triggers
I can still taste your sweet breath.
I can still feel the ghost of the butterflies;
The haunting only your face brings.
Whispers of memory.
Tears have worn broken trails
down my face
crashing into the place
the eroded space
of my heaving chest.
Shallow breathing of a
heart, half beating.
The instinct to survive
hanging on by tiny thread.
One more memory
will send me over the edge.
I'm at the ledge,
I'm at the ledge
Toes hanging over.
Just a nudge.
*Just a nudge

The crickets serenaded her
and she danced in the moonlight
a slow waltz
savoring the feeling
of the dew drops.
Bare foot and free
she sings a soft melody
with the owl
in the pine tree.
The moon guiding her
safe and sound.
She danced.
She was free.

3 months as of today.
Around 3:30. It will be exact.
We didn't know what else to do.
I was tired of trying,
tired of fighting.
I wasn't even worth your trying.
You refused to compromise
and you lied about changing.
You didn't put in the effort,
I don't think
you ever cared enough to try.
our relationship was
worth the fight,
this I swear.
It just gets so exhausting,
fighting for two.
I know better now,
relationships between two people
only work through
communication
and compromise,
and trying to meet each others interests,
doesn't matter if you don't have much in common, the effort will be noticed,
and greatly appreciated,
because it shows your partner
how much you want
to be with them.
But you never saw it that way.
If it wasn't something
that interested you,
you pushed it away,
no matter how much
it meant to me.
No matter if it were me.
I went out
and tried to get on your level
only to be rebuked.
I try to make you see
how much you meant
and still mean to me.
But I never saw,
no,
not even once,
if I had even meant
anything to you
Anything at all.
3 months,
you act like the closest,
most intimate,
love never even moved you.
3 months,
you have pretended
like nothing ever happened
between us.
3 months
and you ignore my presence still.
3 months,
you still haven't said my name.
3 months,
you need someone to talk to,
and I wish that person was me.
3 months,
and I'm still carrying this weight.
3 months
and I'm still in pain.
3 months,
I'd still take you back.
3 months,
I think I'm insane.

I hate everything
myself
you
the mirror
the dust coating on the
material items
i hate those too
and this.
I hate the blue sky
and endless goodbyes
i hate the color of your eyes
and the sound of your familiar sighs
i hate the way you move and
everything about you
I hate my brokeness
I hate my wholeness
I hate my family
and faking smiles
I hate emptiness
lonliness
and people
and I hate my craving to
just be loved
and I hate that i am not.

I go to the mirror
Surprise
I hate the girl once again.
So I'll get the bleach.
I'll get the dye.
To change my aspects
To disguise
When all I want is to die (dye)

I saw you today,
first time in a while...
You looked good,
you wore a smile...
All those fights,
all that hurt,
doesn't seem to matter
when you talk to her.
I want to be jealous,
I want to be mad,
but I'm at a loss,
I'm not even that sad.
'Cause I saw you today,
first time in a while...
You looked good,
you wore a smile...

Children laugh and play
a man and woman
together forever they stay.

Many warm Christmas seasons
many smiles and much laughter
all of them with different ryhmes and reasons

Walking hand-in-hand
in the autumn park
looking for a soft piece of land.

a lifetime of resonating warmth
and happiness
seems too high a price,
but i can see it all, yes every last thing,
when I gaze into your honey brown eyes.

His love songs made her sigh.
His intent made her cry.

Words used to fall
From this mind of mine,
Flowing, gushing,
Waterfalls of inspiration.

Gardens used to bloom
From the ink that anointed
Many pages.
Like April showers bringing May flowers.

But lately I'm more like October
Bringing death and decay
Slowly fermenting to cold December.

I'm sorry that I never measure up
to you
to society.
Maybe if I had longer hair,
skinnier thighs.
Then, maybe then,
I would look good in your eyes.
If I modeled myself after
everything,
yes, everything,
because you can't really call
the carbon copy
plastic
crayon-riddled
barbies
an adjective that would make them
sound human.
Sometimes I wish
I was good at mimicking
society and perfection
just so I could get
a little bit of your
so-called affection
But maybe I was born
to be different
and that just means
I was born
to be
*alone

Choking on words
While consonants hold me back
"you need help"
My mind does snap
Pushing the limit
Stupid me, so timid
I comfort all
But all doesn't stop to think
About the girl starting to
*sink.

It's late
    I should be sleeping
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
3 A.M. came and went
    I've never felt more spent
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Losing weight
    but gaining in the bags under my eyes
        and baggage in my thoughts
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Can't eat
    But I eat anyway
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
Stuff my face
    Purge my sins
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)
My weary brain
    my downtrodden heart
        It takes everything just to start
(Who knew I'd miss you so much?)