It's agony, hearing her name on your tongue
Like ripping my soul out and taking a bite, only to spit it out
And I can't bear seeing a smile she's caused
But all I want is your happiness.
So I'll gladly sit back
And watch you love her, though she's undeserving
And I won't be able to understand what you see in her
But I'll be happy for you
Because you'll be happy.
But just know
That it's agony, hearing her name on your tongue.

There seemed to be stars above your bed but they were just ******* string lights
Five dollars from your pocket so I’d happily close my eyes and spread my legs
Because you knew I was afraid of the dark and took it to heart
One-hundred twinkling lights shining upon my freckled skin made you seem less of a monster.

While my head was spinning in the ambulance I thought of you
An IV was in my arm pumping my veins with the familiar feeling of your weight pressed against me
A ***** of my finger and I was gushing your name
Which comes regularly when I’m so very afraid.

I met someone today that shared your name
At its sound my head began swimming
My lungs filled with seawater as the lighthouse blinded me
It was not the white light I had been hoping for.

I wish I could get this song out of my head but it's drilled in
My headaches are getting worse and worse every day and I don't know how to make them stop
I wish sleep could at least lessen the pain you've caused me
But I'm not so fortunate.

"What's wrong with you?"
I'm asked once more
As I stare into my hands.
I'm never sure how I should reply
Because they're not happy with "everything".
I can't tell them that my toes are cold
Or that I feel sick when I see him
Or even that I'm just upset
Because those aren't good enough reasons.
I can't say that I'm overwhelmed
Or that I can't get out of bed
And I can't say that my heart is well
When all I feel is dread.
I'm afraid of everything all at once
And I don't know how to say
That I can't believe people when they say
"The future will see better days".

*******
*******, YOUR HANDS AROUND MY THROAT
TRYING TO GET ME TO CHOKE ON THE WORDS YOU WROTE
WHILE I STRUGGLE AGAINST YOUR TOUCH AND YOU GRIN KNOWING ALL I WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO LET ME IN
AND I KNOW YOUR SMILE IS FILLED WITH HATE AS YOUR ROTTEN BREATH SEEPS THROUGH YOUR TEETH
AND ALL MY FRIENDS JUST WATCH IN DISBELIEF BUT NOT IN DISBELIEF THAT YOU'RE HURTING ME
THEY JUST STARE AND WONDER WHAT I DID TO **** YOU OFF, WHY I HAD THIS COMING
I CAN FEEL MY BREATH GETTING WEAKER AND MY HEARTBEAT GETTING SLOWER AS I LOOK DEEP INTO YOUR COLD EYES IN SEARCH OF RELIEF BUT FINDING NONE
INSTEAD I'M MET BY YOUR GAZE OF STONE
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY LAST WORDS WILL BE?

*******.

Silky sheets as soft as kisses, cool to the touch like a winter pine
I am so in love.
Goosebumps of a different kind form on my skin and in my mind as I feel your flesh on mine
Static.
Like cool mountain air that fills my lungs you envelope every fiber of me
Like a bubbly foam I’m wrapped in your love as it sprinkles upon my skin
I could never ask for anything more.
And while you are gone I am the utmost content as awaiting your return makes it all the more sweeter
Love had grabbed me by my throat
and I hope it never lets go
I hope it leaves marks on my neck and chills up my spine

I want it to own me as I’ve always wished to own myself.

Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful
Dear Diary, I didn't eat today
Not because of self image but rather my stomach's in frayed
Knots and I can't seem to keep anything down
Except the kind words of those who are around
Dear Diary, I couldn't sleep last night though I felt so tired
And that made it so hard to get up in the morning it felt like my
Shoulders were being held down by rain clouds
I wish I could fight this feeling somehow
Dear Diary, people keep asking if I'm okay which I
Don't understand but either way I say
Yes I'm okay, just a little blue
But at night it feels like my mind's split I two
Dear Diary, I cried ten times today
But my parents aren't asking me if I'm okay
I come home each afternoon and lay in my bed until my brain sings a different tune,
Dear Diary, I saw my doctor today
She FINALLY asked me if I was okay and I didn't
Know how to respond because honestly I didn't know on my own,
Dear Diary, I didn't wanna get up today
So I stayed in bed and it was there that I laid
And doodled on my arm with a razor blade until
Every foul thought slowly faded away,
Dear Diary, my parents have noticed my arms
But they didn't seem even remotely alarmed as I
Stayed in bed once more then I added on another four,
Dear Diary, I often wish I was dead because there
Are thoughts screaming at me in my head and I'm
Trapped in this cold body I'm in while I
Waste away as the walls slowly spin
DEAR DIARY, THEY PUMPED MY STOMACH TODAY
AND AFTER HOURS OF AGONY I WISH I HAD STAYED
HOME ONE MORE DAY SO ID HAVE MORE TIME
SO WHEN MY PARENTS CAME HOME THEY'D HAVE ONLY MY BODY TO FIND,
DEAR DIARY, I CAN'T GO ON THIS WAY,
EVERY DAY AFTER DAY IS FILLED WITH PAIN AND I'M
TRAPPED WITH THORNS AROUND MY THROAT BUT
I CANT BRING MYSELF TO BRING THEM UP CLOSE,
Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful.

I'm still. I watch,
The hustling of the outside world
The ups and downs, twists and turns
Yet I'm immobile.
And I couldn't say how I became this way
I'm still waiting for the answer myself.
But though stagnant,
I can feel myself shutting down.
As my ribs cave in
And my lungs collapse
My hands grow cold and my skin, stone.
And so I wait, alone
On these busy streets
For a change of scenery.
And though I yearn for the outside world,
*I know I can never leave.