My impending fear,
With danger near,
Only increased until I began to see myself wondering how he left without shedding a single tear.
And happiness,
My biggest weakness,
Was on a constant downward spiral into something that made even myself wish to digress.
But suddenly,
Fairly abruptly,
I began to understand how his absence brought me a soft feeling of serenity.
My excuses,
Hidden bruises,
I was reluctant to push the blame onto anyone but myself even though I didn't choose this.
People asked me,
Quite literally,
If I was aware that I smiled brighter and laughed louder now that I've had this epiphany.
And finally,
Now I can see,
I allowed myself to be taken for granted just so I wouldn't have to be lonely.
And in the end,
I recommend,
Looking inside yourself and seeing the broken bonds you must mend.

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SLICED MY VEINS
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SOILED MY NAME
I'VE LOST SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I ONCE LOVED BECAUSE YOU'VE SPREAD LIES TO TEAR ME DOWN
I SLIPPED FROM OUT OF YOUR GRIP AND AS PUNISHMENT YOU CAME TO MY HOME AND SLEPT IN MY BED
YOU TOOK ME TO SLAUGHTER BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR WAY
YOUR RAN MY HEAD THROUGH THE MUD AND LEFT ME TO SUFFOCATE
******* FOR RIPPING EVERYTHING I LOVED FROM MY FINGERTIPS
I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR AND I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR SO LONG BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH
JESUS CHRIST, YOU TOOK EVERY YEAR WE SPENT TOGETHER AND PAWNED THEM FOR POCKET CHANGE
EVEN THOUGH I ASK FOR SO LITTLE I GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOU
NOT THAT I'D EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.
SO GO AHEAD AND DEMONIZE ME, IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST.
JUST KNOW THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE THROUGH YOUR SMOKE AND MIRRORS
AND REALIZE YOU WERE THE TRUE VILLAIN
ALL ALONG.

Because I still remember him
Because I can see him
In all of his glory
His touch still fresh
His hand imprinted on my thigh
Because I remember how he smells
And I remember how he felt
Because when he woke up
At six in the morning
Cuddled up on the bed
As I stood in the doorway
Tired from a sleepless night
And I smiled as he did for me
Because his hair was messy
But his skin was so warm
Because all touches
So early in the morning
Sent shivers through my body
Because I'll never be able
To forget his face
Or the way his arms felt
Around me
Imprinted in my
Pretty little brain
For all of eternity.

My wounds
They will not heal
I cannot move at all
My wounds will not heal if you tear
Them open

****** lungs
Breathe fresh air
Exhail ashes
Cough your dust

Scream my name
Your fatal flaw
Brings me
Pleasure

Mirrors shatter
Bones snap
Life will continue
Without you.

I wish you were still here.
I wish you still sang your heart out
And I wish you still smiled when you heard a song you liked
I miss when you'd dangle your feet off the edges of cliffs
Because you wanted to feel how it felt pre-free fall
I miss when you'd dance alone in your room
And dance in that same manner with an audience.
I miss your beautiful, kind soul
And I wish you still danced in the rain.
I wish I wasn't crying while I was writing this
And I wish you weren't in so much pain.
I wish you were still sweet like sugar
And I wish your eyes still shimmered like stars.
I wish your hands didn't shake like leaves
I wish your chest didn't feel so heavy
And I wish the same for your eyes
I wish you were still here to brighten the bad days
And I wish you weren't a victim of time.

My skin is steaming, bubbles forming like scales
As I waste away on my own watch
And there's a churning sensation inside of me
The tides are turning again and again and again
Like in a washing machine.
And I could panic or scream for a bit
Though I'd never be heard
Because help is for the weak, dear
Help is for the weak.
I could wish for calming waters
Or I could make things worse
Like always.
But, truth be told,
I'm a fraud.
My skin is but leather and I'm stuffed
Though I may be alive you'd not know upon first glance
Because I repeat, and repeat like a machine
Without faltering.
All that can be done is dream
For a new path, or a turn for the better
But it's impossible when only in one direction.

I just wanna SCREAM at the tops of my lungs but I'm worried nobody will hear me or, even worse, that I'd be heard and ignored and I can't remember the last time I was that loud

And I can feel my skin become ice cold no matter how many layers I wear and nobody can help anymore and it has **** near killed me

I don't remember how it feels to be content and I wish I did so I could at least find comfort in the past, but it's all a blur and I'm not sure if there's a cure.

She screamed until her lungs were
Bleeding. Her eyes dry and ******
Her frail bones cracked
And her heavy heart
Sank.
A pebble in her pool of tears
Shallow still for
The sun takes the bulk
While a small sadness
Lingers.
And she dreamed of a
Better place
Where the skies were
Clear and the air
Was still.
But no joy
No happiness or hope
Could stop her
Hurricane.

When I was seven years old, I found a body on the beach. It lay their, skin bloated and lips purple. I called to my mother and she took me away and told me not to look.

I asked her why the man washed up on our beach. It seemed as though she didn’t want to tell me. She put me on her lap and said,
“This man was very sad and lonely. He had no place to call home and no love of his own so he jumped off the bridge”. At the time I couldn’t grasp the concept of suicide.

Five years later I was crying in my room.

I asked myself why demons are evil, why did they choose to be this way when I eat myself alive if I’ve even remotely hurt another human being. I forgot how to feel.

And when I stayed home from school for a week nobody noticed. Why would they? I was just sick.

I asked myself why the rain had to fall. Why it swamped the Earth and drowned the good. I asked why I was here.

I was a disappointment. As if it wasn’t enough for me to feel as though I was one, I was constantly yelled at by the man who raised me for things I didn’t even do, crimes I didn’t even commit. In eighth grade he screamed at the top of his lungs and got red in the face with his “I GET SAD SOMETIMES TOO BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME CUTTING MY ******* WRISTS!”

There was no reasoning with him. He didn’t understand that there was nothing driving my sadness that was physical. He didn’t understand that sadness can spawn from deep within your soul and make even the sunniest days seem dark and gloomy. He didn’t understand depression. He didn’t understand me.

After the third of fourth time he caught me I blew up.

I asked him why a slap is accepted as discipline and why yelling is considered a form love. I asked him why HIS GOD would make me this way if it were a sin. That’s where his god ****** up.

And I asked why my wounds couldn’t heal with a band-aid and why the sun doesn’t shine on me anymore and why the days grow longer each day. I asked why the birds didn’t sing anymore and why I couldn’t lift myself out of bed in the morning because I felt as though someone sat on my chest. I asked him simple questions.

I asked why it was so easy to break apart razor blades and why he kept the pills in plain sight even when he knew how I was. I asked why nooses were so easy to tie and why he never came to get me when I was still in bed at 6:38 pm.

I asked him why the sound of me puking my guts out wasn’t recognizable from his bedroom. I asked him why he let me do this two myself THREE TIMES already without even maybe CONSIDERING the possibility that there was something wrong. My first trip to the hospital was when they had to PUMP MY STOMACH because of all the pills I swallowed. He kept them in a nice little cabinet in the bathroom with a lock on the door.

He told the doctor he hadn’t seen any sign and she asked WHY THERE WERE CUTS ON MY WRISTS WITHOUT HIM KNOWING.

Simple questions were asked.
“Why are you sad?”
“How long has this gone on for?”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

To this I LAUGHED I LAUGHED AT THEIR QUESTIONS BECAUSE I NEVER BOTHERED WEARING SHORT SLEEVES AND MY FATHER SAW HOW MUCH TYLENOL I WOULD TAKE TO MANAGE THE PAIN AND HE FOUND THE BLADES BUT SIMPLY TOLD ME TO DISCARD OF THEM BUT LITTLE DID HE KNOW THAT THERE WERE MUCH MORE THINGS IN THE HOUSE THAT WERE MUCH SHARPER.

I asked them why the man jumped off the bridge and why that wasn’t an acceptable option anymore.

The lilacs have grown
Out of my bones they have bloomed
They beg for a drink

One month and I'm a mess
A shell of what I once was
My spirit weak and mind adrift
And I don't know what to do.

Two months and I'm indifferent
Ups and downs of love and hate
Crying is worked into my routine
And I still think about you.

Three months and I'm lost
No real feeling anymore
No hate or love or grief
And my green eyes have turned blue.

Four months and I'm free
No remorse or empathy
No thoughts of sadness here
And I don't care for you.

Though I thought you were different
                              You betrayed my trust
And with every passing shower
                        My heart will collect rust.

Who knew love had such soft hands,
And the gentlest of eyes that could soothe any ache and calm any storm
Who knew love was so warm,
That even the sun would envy in its rays
And who knew it’s smile could brighten even the darkest of days?
I had no idea.
But god, do I know now.
Sometimes I forget I’m actually grounded
Because love is making me feel lighter than air
Love is taking its warm arms and wrapping me in its embrace
And I never want love to let me go
And I hope it never does
I hope love kisses my forehead every night before bed and kissing my hand every morning when I wake
Love makes me blush so deeply and lust so intensely
And I’m never be able to get enough.

my story exists in the lower keys
the ones that strike your heartstrings and echo in your empty chest.
it lies in the shadows just outside of the glow that a streetlight provides
on a dark, cold night.
check the bruises on your arms, and the slashes on your legs
it'll be there, too.
it's in the nights spent sitting in the shower with the water running cold
the numbness, that's it.
it's feeling too weak to get out of bed in the morning
and having only the energy to stare at the wall.
the tiny cut on your finger you didn't know was there until you squeezed a lime
it's the stinging.
that's where I exist
in the pain
in the dark
in the lower keys.

I count the stars each night before I lay to rest
I try to connect the dots between the freckles on my skin
I run my fingers over my scars like they’re ink on paper
Unable to be erased, and scribbling them out would only make them appear more obvious
I wish I could forget myself even for a little while
I wish to pluck my heartstrings and release the song I’ve been keeping inside of myself for far too long
The intense pressure that would be lifted from my being would be enough to allow me to fly
If only.
I wish to float in an ocean of dreams without sinking to the bottom
Or becoming seasick.
I wish the sun wouldn’t blister my skin
In the same way that your love does.
I wish the ringing in my ears would cease even just for a second so I could peacefully listen to the song I’ve had drilled into my skull for days now
I just want to get it out.
As fall arrived I remember feeling such a dread deep in my bones as I realized it would not be an easy one
Like a blanket falling over me I was covered in goosebumps with alcohol surging through my veins as my bloodshot eyes opened their gates and the tears started to flow
I just wanted to lay in the grass with crumpled leaves in my hair and count the stars as I took my last breath
I feel like I wasn’t asking for much.
I just wanted the air flowing through my lungs to cease like the aftermath of a mid-october hurricane
And I wanted to feel my heart slow to the point where it emulated the drums of that song I couldn’t get out of my ******* head no matter how much I tried to muffle the sound
But I wasn’t so fortunate.

God, I weep for you
Your eyes peer into mine
I melt at your touch
Though I’ve never felt it
I dream of you consistently
It is all for naught.
You drift further back
Slowly but surely fading
Purple bruises adorn my arms
Wounded.
Though you smile still
My eyes well up with tears
We see each other in a different way
Love has many meanings.
I dream of what we could have been
There was never any chance
I never had a chance.
Self deprecation,
Per usual.
I never wished to be hurt
I never wished to ruin what we had.

These days I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that everything nasty in the world isn’t all of my own doing
   And it’s been more and more difficult allowing myself to breathe easy because it seems the world is collapsing around me and I’ve caused the crumbling of every last brick
   Though my screams are lessened because I’ve been drowning for days the water doesn’t cancel the sound
   And it’s so deafening that it makes babies cry and tides turn and hurricanes begin to form in my eyes as an earthquake destroys a settlement with each step I take
   I’m afraid of waking up in this cruel world and setting off volcanic eruptions instead of fireworks
   My throat is filled with thorns and they tear my flesh with every breath I take and I’m tired of the blood pooling in my stomach to the point where I can’t think of roses without feeling nauseous
   I’ve tied my stomach into knots that I don’t know how to undo and my hands are shaking too much to even begin to try in the first place
   So I don’t.

I saw a bird once with broken wings

It just sat there, it would hop and sing

I thought one day I would help the bird

But I am no doctor

Her wounds were much too deep to heal

She hadn’t eaten a single meal

Her wings were smashed and bruised and crushed

I am no doctor.

Her wings could never be restored

But I had found what I was looking for

A beautiful creature in need of me

I am no doctor.

I’ll heal the bird and let it rest

I promise I will do my best

I’ll even make her a little nest

For I am no doctor.

I’ll make the bird feel nice and loved

Even though I can’t fix her wings

For my day is made solely

When I hear the little bird sing

I wish I had never brought you here
This place this place of love
This place of safety
I felt safe
My favorite place
The place I come to when broken
When snapped into pieces
Stomped into the sand
Where salt in my hair meant comfort
And the calm cooling zephyrs
Wrapped me with care
And I never had to worry
About how I looked
Or what I had to wear
Or how salty and tangled was my hair
But now all I feel is you
I feel your energy your weight
You've ruined this place for me
I'm brought to tears feeling you near
Near this place I used to love
Near this place I once called my haven
And how our memories haunt me
I can't escape you
Cannot rid of your grin
Cannot rid of your teeth and the sins that you spin
And you've RUINED this place
One summer and you've ruined
The place I've loved unconditionally
The place I've been coming to
Since the age of three.

Bottles and bottles
That’s what it takes for your love
Hit me if you must
You’re all I need.

If it must be dark
For us to speak
By God, it will be
I’m good for you.

I will never disturb you
I refuse to admit
That I would have already left
If you weren’t so hard to quit.

There is no being
That can make my stomach turn
Or make my eyes burn
More than he.

                                         On cloudy days
                                     I yearn for the sun
                              To kiss my frozen skin
                          He left my heart chilled.

I often think of our past
No matter how painful
And I still cannot believe
I allowed you to treat me that way.

                                            I was so weak
    Accepting demons that weren't mine
       But how could I stick up for myself
          When I didn't know how to love?

How was I to know
That self acceptance gives
Overwhelming confidence
To the broken?

                     I do not regret my mistakes
       I could not question my judgement
       Thanks to you, I learned my lesson
                                 And I'm better for it.

today was the day she was supposed to **** herself.

---

she woke to singing birds in the same bed where she googled how many sleeping pills she had to take for it to be lethal.
what can be done of a girl breathing so heavy she throws up her tears and screams so quietly she couldn't even hear herself suffering until it was too late?
she's a lost cause.
an afterthought, the newspaper you used to line your dog's crate.
she's the candy wrapper that missed the trash can and flew with the wind, only to get caught in the storm drain with the next torrential downpour.
she's been singing alone for weeks now.
today was the day she was supposed to **** herself.
today was the day she was supposed to swallow as many pills as she could fit down her throat
and subsequently lay in bed until they burnt holes through her body
she was supposed to bleed through her sheets, alone and suffering silently.
she was supposed to drown in her tears and scream until water filled her lungs
she was to go silently into the day with only her body to remain.
she was supposed to **** herself today.
this was her chance
and she ******* blew it.

---

she couldn't make it through the letters.
she had them all addressed, scratched in her messy handwriting
which was only worsened by her shaking hands.
she couldn't write them
she didn't make it past him
she could feel tears welling in her already so very tired eyes as she thought of how to tell her best friend and first true love that she couldn't hold on anymore
that she couldn't stand singing alone anymore.
she couldn't do it.
she couldn't make it through the letters.

---

i had to wait over an hour to be connected to someone from the suicide prevention hotline.
thinking back on it now, it's quite a flawed system.
someone might not have had so long to wait.
i know now that i never could have actually done it
i never could have said goodbye to the morning sun or the falling leaves
i would've missed the sea far too much.
i would've missed the feeling of knowing the ocean is nearby without actually having it in my line of sight
that's one of the best feelings in the world, i promise you.
i would've missed your hand in mine, and i would've missed our long drives.
i wouldn't trade those for the world.

---

today was the day i was supposed to **** myself.
but i didn't,
and i won't,
so long as the tides keep changing,
and the earth keeps spinning,
and the birds keep chirping.

One becomes acquainted to a certain way of life if lived in long enough
The most tragic of these circumstances being a found comfortableness in misery
When tears become routine and shaky hands are a custom
This is where home resides.
Light and love turn into foreign enemies against our comfort as we push away the people and things that mean to help
Ending in our personal isolated hell.
We find ourselves having rather cried ourselves to sleep than feel an ounce of joy rip through our walls
Happiness is so stiff and awkward it becomes an unwanted dinner guest and we are forced to realize that if we choose to get better we must feel quite a bit worse
And this is far more difficult than finding content in our cold misery.
The sum of the former is surely greater in value
Though it comes at the cost of our comfort.
We must trade goosebumps for smiles and tell ourselves it’s worth it
Even though it very well may not be.

The fog creeps
Quietly over each
Tomb
The clouds covered
Our moon
Tonight, we are
Different
Wet leaves stick
To our skin, we dance
Softly over the
Dead
Jagged teeth
Bring the untimely
Demise
Of a child
We have become
Different
Knots on knots of
Rope
Hang from each
Rotting branch
New victims bring
A gift each night
You will never find
Someone that cares
For you more than
I do.

We drove down memory lane
Cigarette cartons scattered at our toes
Trying to end our days with the setting sun
We switched lanes.
Our teeth chattered in the wind
Car top down, my top off
Our fingers blue and our eyes red
We took the wrong exit.
Dangerous turns down dangerous streets
Doors locked, windows up
We recognized the signs at first but
Something changed.
The engine sputtered and your hands tightened on the wheel
I tensed, my shoulders locked just as our eyes did
And we crashed.
Our hearts skidded on the pavement
Road burn kissing our skin so gently
And just as the sun was gone from the day
So were we.

i was awake at three in the morning with stomach pains that could bring someone to their knees, all because i was thinking of you and your all but kind words

i can’t do this anymore
i don’t want you in my life

your words were sharp like knives and I was bleeding out through my eyes, clutching my stomach as both my cheeks and my pillow case were wet with your daggers

yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulo­vedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyo­ulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousai­dyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyou­saidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme­yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulove­dmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoul­ovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme

i felt my internal screams escaping my lungs with each sob and eventually i was unable to breathe as i wept for our secrets shared and dreams made

falling from a cliff would be less painful than this.

Silky kisses
Painted jars
Hits and misses
Dimming stars

Angry yelling
Warming hugs
Story telling
Coffee mugs

Doubtful glares
Cigarette butts
Burned out flares
Paper cuts

Hot air
Lost ties
A worn out affair
A somber goodbye.

6:37 pm
Grabbing hands unwelcomed
Pinching my bones with your claws
Digging deeper and deeper into my flesh
Sap on my skin
Pine needles in my hair
An unwanted accessory
Thudding against the dirt
Pain striking my spine
His voice echoing still
He’s all I hear now
His ravenous eyes
His ****** fangs
Cry and cry as I will
Nobody will hear
As my ****** lungs tire
And my body imprints the dirt
I’m left to the wolves
Left to be feasted upon
And I cast a shadow on this man
Iron-pressed collars
Twiddling thumbs
What questions were asked?

Did she lead him on?
What was she wearing?
Is there any evidence?
Why didn’t she say something sooner?
If a girl screams alone in a forest,
Did she make a sound?

Your simple melody
A soothing serenity
Your notes dig into me
A beautiful symphony
I can feel my walls crumble
And you smile on and on
Your hand in mine like a glove
Letting me feel happiness once more
And though I'm broken
You're almost glue
Put the pieces together
One rainy afternoon
To make me and you
A little something new
And I smile between sobs
Because I beat the odds
Surviving the worst
Every single curse
And your journey ends
I guess it just depends
How happy you will be
And how you’ll make amends
You'll take me in your arms
And put me back together
And every time I see our sun
I'll remember your warmth
Though my heart aches
I'll be okay because
You'll be okay
And I float on your words
As you sing me to sleep
And it hurts so very much
And I'm hot to the touch
And every time you see our sun
You'll remember my skin
Burnt and blistered
Though I'm content.

I spend a lot of my time
Chasing a world of make believe
Why live in a cruel world
When you can settle on a nice cloud
Or fly to a happier place?
For the life of me I’ll never understand
Why people allow others to
Treat them so poorly when
They only deserve the best
Why walk across glass
When you could float above the clouds?
Every slap is the softest silk
Every tear is sugar
Nobody wishes to be alone
But being alone
Is better than being afraid
Because fear is very very real
And not the good kind

Drown me in the river
Don’t let me make a sound
Swamp me with beauty
And put me in the ground
Bullets could never hurt
If they came from you
So hold my hand, darling
And heal my fatal wounds
You’re the only one I’d let hurt me
You’re the only one I’d let fix me
Darling, you’re the one I want
To put me in the ground

Break my heart, it’s easier this way

the vivid pictures of raindrops tapping on windshields
have always been something to stay with me.
my raindrop memories of you were my most special
but as of late they've brought me nothing but sorrow.
the way your windows cried as we sat in our own euphoria,
shielded from the evils which plagued us
reminds me now of the way i had thunderstorms in my eyes
when you left.
i have an entire playlist of songs that i can't bring myself to listen to anymore
because every note reminds me of my fingers locked with yours
and every strum tugs at my heartstrings so hard they ache
there's no amount of pills in the world that could help me forget what your touch felt like
there's nothing on this earth that could soothe the ache in my stomach that arises when I hear your name
i thought of putting my pretty neck through a ******* noose once or twice since then
because i feel like i'm drowning and nobody knows how to swim
i can never be sure of how it feels to be shrouded in genuine happiness
because all this time i thought you were the source of mine
but how could something so perfect be so corrupt?
how could you take your once gentle hands and wrap them around my neck?
squeezing the life from my lungs while hot tears dance on my cheeks just like the raindrops on your windshield.

I'd rather drown a hundred times than let my heart go free
Because I can't hear your horrid voice at the bottom of the sea
And you've ruined every chance of love
So I pulled when I was supposed to shove

You don't know how it feels to love so blindly
All trust enveloped into another soul
Only to have them crush your hopes and dreams with one fatal blow  
Breaking down, slowly
I decay with the rest
A dusty box of your old shirts
I could barely bring myself to collect
But I'm the one crying myself dry
I'm the one fighting to keep myself alive
I didn't sleep, I couldn't eat,
Not a single soul could help me.
I can't trust others
I barely trust myself
So at the end of the day
It's me, myself, and nobody else.

Cannot listen to certain tunes
Due to poison melodies.
Cannot sing in an empty room
Too used to sympathy.
Cannot go to certain places
For fear that you are there.
Cannot hide in hidden spaces
For you are everywhere.
No "happy holidays" for me this year
The anniversary of life.
Shedding gallons of quiet tears
As you threatened with a knife.
As I burn all of your clothes
And scorch away the pain,
Your ashes flowing through the air
Though things will stay the same.

Heavy eyes and unspoken lullabies were familiar to me

Now, I never truly wished for your demise but the thought just came to me

If you were able to walk away from what we had without a single regret

Why wasn't I given the ability to pretend we had never met?

Unfairness was a common theme in our problematic little fling

And you were the one to pick a fight over every little thing

And I never wished for someone more muscular or tall

But I cannot love a man that loves to bang his head against the wall.

Though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things
Thing that are so real
Things that crack the foundation
Break your mother’s back for me
Energy surging through my fingertips
Every movement fueled by you
I’m running on fumes
Running from you
Running from your words and your eyes
They follow me no longer
I will run for new
New arms new home
New life away from you
This demon holds me down
Digging his nails in my skin
It is you.
I’ll get away, just you see
I don’t need you anymore
But you need me
You need my attention
You need me to need you
I don’t need you.
And though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things.

You were here early fall
Crisp air creating reason to bundle
The cracking of death under our toes
Though it was beautiful
We carved ourselves into pumpkins
An innocent activity for us
We picked apples
We (got)baked
My lungs filled with a burning
As things became even more unreal
And that night you
You, a god among heathens
You laid your hands upon me
My temple and my sanctuary
Without permission.
A ****** goddess laid in your bed
And you took advantage.
And though we ate cheese puffs
And visited graveyards
We were already dead
Already rotting six feet under
The insects knew our taste
We rotted filled with maggots
Awaiting a non-existent next life
Or maybe we were just asleep
But even in dreams
You **** me.

Awoken with butterfly kisses
And the humming of your hands
Warm air warming our hearts
Tempting our mouths to smile
A curl of toes
A mind of woes
Escape into the sea
The cool air blows through our hair
A salty symphony
The sun shining through the leaves
And through our blinds once more
Spring has blossomed to a new
As waves crash on the shore
Arms around my narrow waist
Pulling me out of bed
Your tired eyes connect with mine
A kiss on my forehead
A relaxing day
Our toes in the sand
Iced coffee in hand
The bees will buzz
The birds will chirp
An overall pleasant mood
Summer’s never felt so good.

I don't understand the concept
Of shaming someone for speaking
About their problems simply because someone else’s could be bigger

Why would one walk up
To a depressed woman with
Cuts on her wrist and say,
“You shouldn't be complaining,
My friend killed herself.”

Why on earth would telling someone
That their burdens aren't justified
Because they aren't heavy enough to
Fit society’s sympathy scale
Bring you any form of joy?

For the love of GOD, I'd never
Walk up to a teenage boy
And say, “You should be ashamed of yourself
There are kids starving in Africa but THEY DON’T CUT THEIR WRISTS.”

People often suffer in silence
Though they're being eaten alive
Because they think their demons
Aren't monstrous enough for sympathy

I can count on two hands
All of the times I've been told
“You should be grateful
That you don't have it worse”

My problems
Shouldn't be justified
Based on how severe I'm
Hurting.

Everyone has a different definition
Of “falling apart”
And if you kept yours to yourself
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid

Afraid to let people know
That I'm often not okay
But I'm afraid to hear someone
Tell me “it could be worse”

Because if I feel like I constantly
Wish I could sleep for a decade
It doesn't matter if
Someone else seems more distressed

I'm so tired of mental illness
Being a contest of who has it worse
Because it affects everyone
In different ways

I don't care if she may
Have it worse than I
Because I still find it hard
To get out of bed in the morning

And I really wish
Coming clean about your struggles
Didn't turn into a game of
“Who has it worse?”.

One can feel okay
And at the same time
Feel trapped
Lost in the woods
Or up high in the clouds
Cumulonimbus demons
Pouring blood into the streets
Soaked up and dried out
Are you still okay?
A smile means many things
Happiness
Excitement
Agony
As long as you can lie.
It’s hard to understand
How it feels to drown
Drown in sadness because
We have different shoe sizes.