Oh, the stars that are alight in the vast darkness we call sky,
So beautiful, but so far away,
So large, but only a twinkle to our miniscule eyes,
How is it with all our knowledge and ambition,
All our strides to seek the unknown,
That we can only yet dream of touching a star?
We are but children, attempting to see the universe, through the keyhole of a door.
So I keep to my dreams that I may fly on a shooting star.

There's a spit of land where I live
Jutting out into the water, the strait
It's rocky, but has beaches, too
Lots of feral housecats live there
Breeding for years, now....

This place is where my innermost thoughts and feelings
get explored by my broken mind and heart;
heart... just a cavern anymore...
filled with the bones of too many dead friendships
dead relationships
dead friends
dead lovers
why is death such a common thing in my life anymore?

The rising tide wraps around my ankles but I stay in place
standing there staring at the country across the strait
the mountains I've never climbed and I wonder why;
why do I feel so hopeless and destitute anymore?
Why do I bother living anymore when all I know is pain?
How come I feel like I'm drowning from the inside out?
the water is to my knees

I've loved three women in my life
tried to love a dozen more but couldn't
tried to save a hundred souls and can't
so I cry in a pillow at night
I cry standing here and now
salty tears mixing with salty water
just a drop in the ocean I can't change
why can't I change my life?
why can't I make things right?

I keep building up walls but the water pours over
up to my neck and I'm still standing still
I'm a statue with a stone heart,
no,
a stone shell of a heart
cuz I invited hell to my heart
I lost my start
and there's no restarts
High tide fills my lungs
just close my eyes and let it happen

There is a fear resting on this brain
Fear of obsolescence too young
Use used up too early
Spidering across my mind's eye
It is
Unsettling
To be old at a young age
In body & mind
The mirror shows your youth but
Cannot discover the years within
Everyone says "You're so young you have your whole life ahead of you!"
(It's such an oxymoron, your whole life is only ever behind you... If people cared to think they would learn this)

Young
young
y o u n g
Is it just a number?
Do I have to bury friends and family before I'm considered old?
Where is the invisible threshold that I must have passed when I was a child? Or a teen?
I haven't pocketed my third decade but my
HEART
                    is
HEAVY

I long to die but I'm scared to die so I just want to die so I stop thinking about death all the time. People will get over me.
If I'm (un)lucky my words won't be remembered
Most words are memories we want to forget
Yet we write them down
To the deep parts of our souls
Etch them in our marble foundations
Hoping out dreams will show them some nights
But I want to forget it all

I'm old ******
If you don't believe me ask my friends
If you don't believe them ask the dead
If you don't believe them stop reading
Because you were never listening in the first place
Just waiting for your turn to talk
To say I'm nonsensical
To eNcOuRaGe mE to lOoK fOrWaRd
When forward doesn't exist yet
By the time it does it's just more minutes
Stacked on my back
Days stacked on my back
Months stacked
Years stacked
Until you call me old
and I tell you I've been here the whole time

(You just chose not to believe)

I held on while I let you go; and darling if that's not love I don't know what to do.
When you walked away I only told you one lie and that was that I hated you.
That lie was true only on the surface because deep in my heart, darling, it split me in two.
I'm still in love, despite my best efforts; you're beyond me while I'm in my own noose.
Staring at a map, I cross the distance with my fingers and understand there is no use.
Life has made it's own plans for what became of us, and darling, love is always askew.

Where is all the grandeur of the stars?
   Beauty between the notes of a violin?

Lost, inconsequential, insignificant...
   To the sample of your bare flesh.

Tell me to listen to your heart,
   Ear pressed to the thumps.

How I would feel that heart against mine!
   How would I ever feel the same again?

Lamenting the light that has left this domicile/
Love has lain down never to rise again/
Lost in the liquid anguish of empty bottles/
Lust bid farewell in a rose stained casket/
Laced in black with pale skin never to touch again/
Loneliness holds me close to her/
Lurid faces meet my peaceful sleep/
Loss is the one thing I know I have/
Life's lyrics looted and left barren...

You should believe in love, girl
One day it's going to find you
Love will say your name
and you're going to fall

It's going to be okay

When it's real and unmoving
At your side when you're low
Love will say your name
and girl, you're going to fall

It's okay

I had a gift for you, once
Wrapped perfectly and in pristine condition
It was the absolute best gift ever
Nothing else could compare.

But first, I was convinced to open it for another
One who wanted to show me how to use it
Then came the second, to show myself I could use it
And the third, to master the use of it.

Now I don't know how many times it's been used
It's well worn, half broken... tainted...
The wrapping paper is gone
And it's value is less than a dime.

I was supposed to wait for you
But I wanted fun and pleasure
And now, this night is here
And my gift is not yours alone.

I'm so sorry...

I'm sorry I couldn't get to you
I'm sorry you had to take your own life
I'm sorry I didn't love you more
I'm sorry you felt you couldn't carry on
I'm sorry I didn't notice
I'm sorry you fell for me

You never knew, Love;
You never knew did you?
The heart that waited and wanted
Fastened to you, hoping for his chance
That chance you never gave me, Love.
Why?

Your fragile heart collects the dust
After years of misuse and abuse
From all the ones who squandered you
While all the while I was there
Clawing at the door to your heart.
Why?

Do you know tonight, this night, Love?
Tonight, this night is the night love dies;
Oh the night that love finally died!
Because you were too scared to see
That my heart has always been yours.
Why?

**Because you
               Were always
                                  The One

How can I love you with all my heart,
When there's only a fragment of it left?

Why were you always so scared to fall?
My promises weren't enough for you?

My heart has been broken so many times by you,
Yet with this remaining fragment I still love you?

How can this be?

I know there's no water in this pool of love,
But I'm still going to jump off the high board.

Someone please tell me they can set a broken leg.

Spinning a web, spinning a story,
Spinning a plate, spinning a yarn,
Spinning a lie, spinning a tale,
Spinning out of control, and I'm loving it.

Spin with me, spin and twirl,
Spin in circles, spin beautiful girl,
Spin and swirl, spin in joy,
Spinning round, spinning is fun!

Before you get in bed with me, there's a few things you need to know.

I'm a lot more than just a warm body you lay with, I promise.
Don't get me wrong, I love a woman's curves as much as the next man; but I know it's not the thing that matters.

I'm good at what I do when we get between those sheets, but I'm not going to just run there to get laid. I'll take you to a world of ecstasy and pleasure you may not have ever had before, but I don't get there so easily anymore.

I'm really a sensitive guy who's heart has multiple scars on every wall. See, I've been in love. I mean real love; the kind of love that should be made into a chick flick because it's so unrealistic but it actually happened to me. And it happened to me twice. And I lost them both.

So I have a lot of trust issues, and a lot of pain - really I'm terrified of being hurt again. I'm so tired of being hurt. And I know you want to take my pain away, but if you're just going to use my body then that will hurt.

I don't really care about the ******* anymore. I care about what's going on in your heart, I lust for the emotional intimacy and security and vulnerability that comes when we take off more than just our clothes. Cuz I want to be close.

So take that all in, I'm an open book. I won't hurt you, please don't just leave. If you're okay with something more than just flesh, then let's give us each other until morning light.

The gift of life
  The curse of life
   The bitterness
    The jealousy
     The heartbreak
The pain of love
  The thrill of love
   Pursuing the impossible
    A conquered heart
     What cuts us to our core...

The greatest gift of life is our loneliness, our pain.
The things that make us vulnerable to love from one another.
To have a shattered heart be held by a friend, as you confess to being violated.

Cut my heart in two with this hope.
Shiver my spine with this fear;
That I will suffer loneliness all my days,
That not a single day will I ever be alone.
Set me off on the river in my casket,
When I am gone with the flowers passing.
I'm waiting for the fall, for the gift of life...

I tell you again: the greatest gift of life is our loneliness, our pain. The things that make us vulnerable to love from one another.

If you would just talk to me
I have words
but
I don't think they're worth speaking
Poetically muted, I'm on pause
Take a breath
Take a second
It's fine
I'm fine
Just a normal response
to my love
Is to become
Discarded

Do you know that my heart is with another woman?
As I lay here holding you tight against me, my body is yours.
But can you feel this heart call out for her? Someone who isn't you?
Did you feel me as we made love, reach out for her? Cry for her?
It's her I see when I'm with you. And I don't know how that makes me feel.
You think I love you, but I'm just playing your heart like Beethoven under a moonlit night sky, playing a sonata...

Do you feel that? That warm tear that fell from my eye onto your cheek? Could you possibly know it's for her?
When I tremble alone at night, howling at the moon... yearning for the smell of her breath, the taste of her skin... her...

I barely know you, you're just pretty to me. Not as pretty as her.
Your hair is too long, too dark, too straight, too perfect.
Your eyes foster no depth to them; shallow and lifeless, a void. Hers are like diamonds reflecting a blue moon of a summer night.
Everything about you is wrong, compared to her. Your voice, your arms, your mouth, your heart... you aren't her.

But here I am with you, holding your hand.
There she is, sleeping alone.
Life is cruel.

If only I had no consequences to my actions.
Stars that glisten in the sky's night light,
Reflecting your beauty that matches endless suns.
If I had no consequences to my actions, surely,
I would join our lips in a sinful embrace.
Could we have just this one night?
This one moment?

I strike thee heart, as you struck mine,
Entertaining the peripheral of untouched love.
Hand holds hand, finger against finger.
I wish it were so!

You are going, going away,
Unbeknownst to you,
My heart sojurns with you.
Even to the ends of the earth,
Beyond the rugged edge of it all,
I follow you to your tomb.

If only I had no consequences to my actions,
I would give my heart to you.

The loneliness gets to me
& when I get lost I know how not to be found

The love gets to me
& when I give freely I know I'll stand alone

The pain gets to me
& ... I no longer know how to hold it back anymore

Another moment
Another thought
Can't stop it
Thinking of you
All your words
All your twinkling
Bright mind
Beautifully entwined
Our broken souls
Please be okay
I'm so sorry
Another moment
Another thought
Can't stop it
Thinking of you
All your passion
All your embrace
Heart of gold
Adorable girl
Our broken souls
Another moment
Please be okay
please be okay
*please be okay...

it's hard to lose somebody
       you used talked to everyday
& they aren't there anymore
       so a little bit of you dies
day by day, night by night
       until the face in the mirror
isn't           you           anymore

scared to touch
these feelings
so I'll just watch them
float away
like a bubble
wonder about life
being alone
so used to it
but so uncomfortable
pity the mirror that reflects me
who wants to be scared
who wants to be alone
who makes the choice I made
to amputate your own heart
sometimes I still play make believe
except this time
my bed is a casket
not a pirate ship
and I won't have to get up
tomorrow morning
and face the same day
that was faced yesterday
and today
I'm worn to my bones
my bones worn to marrow
cannot stand anymore
so just sit on the floor
weak
weeping quietly
should I drink or should I ****
I hide both from the ones I love
until the feelings disappear
and let in the jealousy
that they get to float away
while I stay grounded
too scared to
let it all go

The leaves of life, fallen from their homes in the branches, blow through my ribcage (because I feel so empty)

Bid farewell to love, never to feel your thorns on my heart again; being alone is safer in the solitude of madness

Let me swallow the sand from the hourglass of time, so that it can be empty like me (you're on my mind lately)

Words are printed from a machine like they are nothing but a receipt; simple sounds, words, without talking

It was too far to fall away, crashing through the solar system to die a million miles away (you were my star in the sky)

Sometimes I sit like I'm in a tranquil garden and let the memories of our friendship wash the pain from my eyes; I have not forgotten who we once were

I want to hold your hand in the silence of the night and let the static from the TV blanket our ears (I miss our heartbeats, when did we lose them?)

We trusted love to the wrong people who didn't know what it's value was, and it ripped us apart like a bacterial infection

Now I breathe your smell, and I see the bloodied remains I made you, and I'm sorry; I'm so sorry. (This wasn't how it was supposed to end)

Turn the page,
Words of rage;
I'm on the wrong
side of broken,
and you put me here,
but I chose to stay.

I want to blame you,
Hate you, but I can't shame you;
There's something in the mirror,
it's slowly becoming clearer,
you're my highest low, my trigger.

I wish we'd never met,
You're my living hell;
torturing my heart now a shell,
harsh words from the man that
once loved you without fail.

You're a seven year wound,
I can't figure out how to forgive,
this bitterness is a wickedness
brought to the surface by wordless rage.
I hate you.

Yet I still love you,
at least the memory of you;
before you changed,
personality rearranged,
I loved you as you were.

The ones hardest to love
Are the ones that need it most;
you rejected mine and buried your own,
carried us to the gravestone,
are you alone tonight?

The love turned to ache,
when you chose to forsake
me to my demons within;
do you think of me still,
or am I just a speck of your past?

I loved you.
I hate you.
And I don't know how to let go.

Air
It moves in an out between my lips
If fills and empties my lungs
It provides oxygen for my blood
And yet I hate the taste of it
It reminds me I'm alive
And I despair in life
Because life is harmful
My soul wrongs itself
So that tears fall from my eyes
If the air were to stop
I might be happy
Then again if the air stopped
I wouldn't have you

Everything is crushing me
Silently the world passes by
Onlookers without love
Demons plaguing their lungs

But demons plague me as well
The dust stuck to my lips
Gravel caught in my teeth
The bootheel against my throat

Yes, everything is crushing me
As I try to carry the world
Everything is crushing me
Because I'm under the water

I stand in the field, like an old man who remembers his childhood fondly,
Squinting against the sun, breathing solemnly as bees buzz around me, inconvenienced at my presence.

Hunching my shoulders against the heat, yes the heat, I look down on the ground, seeing the bike left here so many years ago.
Like my love for you, I abandoned. Left on the ground, overgrown and eroded away. How I loved to whisk away on this two wheeled thing... how I loved carrying you through the threshold and into the bedroom.

You were my everything, at one point.
My rock and shelter, my love, my life.

But somehow we simply fell out of love, stagnated, and withered away, unnoticed to our numbed sensitivity to each other. Cast to the ground and left there, like my bike I stand and stare at right now...

They say you can never forget how to ride a bicycle.
I know I won't forget you, my love.

I think it's time for me
to stop counting the days
with notches on the wall
about something
I never really had.

It's time to stop
living in the past
& let go of mistakes
that I made in my youth
& taste the freedom of today.

Our days are a finite number
passing with each moment
every grain of sand swallowed
by the hourglass of life
until nothing remains.

Coughing up blood again
This time it's black as ink
So I decide to write in blood
And not wash it down the sink

Covering all my walls in all my failures
Until every last drop leaves my body
Leaving me pale, cold and rigid
And a heart withered in my chest

Suicide by writing
The note is my life
The ink is my blood
The death is alright